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Class of April 2018 Part 9

Old 02-22-2019, 03:10 PM
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Hi kids,

i had had a long day. My brother is buying a Honda pick up truck and we went to the dealer for a last minute look over before he gets it tomorrow. It’s an hour drive so he wants everything perfect when he gets it. Then we went to New Haven to look at a motorcycle for me, which I like. A nice BMW G650GS Adventure Bike. At home one the highway and dirt roads. It’s a 2011, but only has 2300 miles. So it’s a basically a new bike. Service done. The options I want (antilock brakes and heated grips) and a lot of extras that add up. If the BMW Motocycle dealer had it they would want top dollar, but it’s at a Yamaha/Honda dealership and the price is really good. I might call in the morning and tell him I want it. Dunno.

Then we had to go to a tire place and here and there, and I’ve driving around for 8 hours straight. I had a horrible nights sleep with panic about even going to look at the bike. It was awful. I still got it together though and went. I am beat. A very long day, but I think I’m improving.

According to my brother, if I am willing to meet up with my sister and him at a therapists office, and hash things out, she’ll give it a chance. That’s also got me feeling better because for an hour of difficult conversation I can probably end this. And I’m willing to admit my own BS.

Ok later folks. Gotta look around online at Moto gear (Shopping Suze!!), and chill out.

V
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Old 02-22-2019, 03:20 PM
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Good evening all

That bike sounds like a good buy Viper, go for it. You're definitely improving if you can do all you did today after the night you had, you're stronger than you know.
Good idea to meet with your sister & brother, get it sorted, life is too short for all that sh*t.

I'm off to bed now, I'm really tired so see you all tomorrow.

Sleep well. xxx
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Old 02-22-2019, 10:30 PM
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Morning all,

All good here. Just a quick check in to say hello as going to work so getting up now to get ready. Will post properly later.

xxx
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Old 02-23-2019, 12:49 AM
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8.45

Morning Aprils, hope you're all okay. I can't believe the beautiful weather we are having at the moment, I've never know it to be like this in February, ever, it's so mild and sunny, this time last year it was freezing and snowing. It's very odd but in a good way, it makes me feel so much better.

Have a good day Suze and I hope work is kind to you, I'll look forward to reading your post later.

Have the best Saturday you can all of you, see you later. xxx

Thought for the day..... "Some people thrive on huge, dramatic change. Some people prefer the slow and steady route. Do what’s right for you."
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Old 02-23-2019, 05:47 PM
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Oi Amigas,

I put a hold on the Motorcycle today. I’ve got some ligistics to work out before I can just get it. It may or not work because of other stuff in my life. The guy didn’t want a deposit, just for me to text a photo of my license, so he could write it up. I think he recognizes my brother and I aren’t a couple of jokers. No sense in negotiation since it’s an excellent deal, and he said on used the price is the price. What a really nice motorcycle dealership. Wow. No congratulations yet though. See if I can make if work.

My Nurse Practioner thinks the motocycle is the best idea ever. She thinks it will be really therapeutic for me.

I was up early, but I took s nap later. Then I went to the old artist building in the city that I lived in for 19 years today. Yikes, the drinking I did there. Anyway I know a good young dude that would really like to get into the college I went to. You can’t just apply, you need contacts. We’ve been texting back and forth. So we had a good talk. I think the guy deserves a shot. I’ll reach out to some folks. It’s hard for me to believe that I went there. I rock! 🐍

a decent day.

V🐍





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Old 02-24-2019, 12:01 AM
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Hey all!

Daisy your zoo day sounds fab! I want to take Seren! It is so lovely to read you doing all these things with your grandkids ♥️♥️

Viper, sounds like your sister is willing to work things out. As we well know, willingness is the key!

Hey Erratic and Nichole. I hope you are both ok??

I am in Washington but I have a sore throat ugh! I seem to keep catching stuff which is not really like me, but am eating healthy and taking vitamins so hopefully can fight it off. It's rubbish weather here , hopefully it will be dry in a few more hours so I can go to the AA meeting I have been to before here. Other than that it's a bed and netflix day!!

So I went to my sister's best friends wedding reception on Thursday evening. It was weird, I didn't want to drink as I know what alcohol does to me and am under no illusion it will be different the next time, but I also didnt want to go because I couldn't drink! If that makes sense. For the first half hour/45 mins I felt really awkward and uncomfortable without my old crutch But that soon disappeared! I was laughing and joking with my family and by the end of the evening we were all up dancing!!! I had a great time! And of course I woke up hangover free. The next day me and my sister met my other sister and hubby and we went for lunch and had a really nice meal and tea and coffee after and a really lovely chat and we were there for ages. I would have only ever wanted to sit and chat if I had a never ending supply of wine. After lunch I drove to my exes as my daughter was there and stayed the night as she really wanted me to and also I wanted to as hadnt seen her the night before and then had work. (I stay in a separate room to my ex!!). I wouldn't have been able to do that if I was drinking! I have so much more freedom now . Also my relationship is continuing to improve with my daughter's daddy. I would say we are even on a friends level now . Sobriety is a beautiful gift that just keeps on giving. Yesterday at work I felt so happy. I am so so grateful I never have to go back to how I used to feel before. Even my bad days are nothing compared to how I used to feel on a daily basis.

Just watching back to back forensics Vipe!
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Old 02-24-2019, 02:37 AM
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Good morning all, it's another gorgeous sunny one here, I hope this isn't our summer all back to front, I'll be upset if it snows in July lol. I had my 9 yr old grandaughter sleep over last night, g.son was with his daddy, it was lovely spending some quality time with her, we watched an old Walt Disney film 'the Aristocat's' one of my favourites and she loved it. She's still fast alseep at the moment, so is my husband so I'm enjoying some 'me' time for a short while.
I hope all of you are well and happy and enjoying the weekend.

I hope the bike deal works out for you Viper once you've checked the logistics, it sounds ideal.
Good luck to your friend who is trying to get into your old college, it's very kind of you to help him and yes you're right, you do rock.

Hi Suze, I hope your sore throat is much better today, I bet you get loads of germs off the plane trips, all those people in warm environment, you're bound to catch something.
I'm glad you enjoyed the wedding reception, the photo's on F.B were lovely, you looked like you were having a good time. Who knew you could have fun without booze eh? We know different now don't we? I'm glad that you're on friendly terms now with your ex, it's so much better for your daughter to be like that with him.

Right I'm going to do a bit now, catch up with you all later and whatever you're doing today, enjoy. Much love to you all. xx

Thought for the day..... Every new day is another chance to change your life.
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Old 02-24-2019, 11:28 AM
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Thank U
Alanis Morissette
How 'bout getting off these antibiotics
How 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up
How 'bout them transparent dangling carrots
How 'bout that ever elusive kudo
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
How 'bout me not blaming you for everything
How 'bout me enjoying the moment for once
How 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How 'bout grieving it all one at a time
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
The moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down
How 'bout no longer being masochistic
How 'bout remembering your divinity
How 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How 'bout not equating death with stopping
Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence
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Old 02-24-2019, 11:31 AM
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the other is this
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Old 02-24-2019, 11:32 AM
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Lyrics
I'll give you careless amounts of out right
Acceptance if you want it. I'll give you
Encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it.
You can speak of anger and doubts,
Your fears and freak-outs and I'll hold it.
You can share your so-called
Shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it.
And there are no strings attached,
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
And you owe me nothing in return.
You can ask for space for yourself
And only yourself and I'll grant it.
You can ask for freedom as well
Or time to travel and you'll have it.
You can ask to live by yourself
Or love someone else and I'll support it.
You can ask for anything you want
Anything at all and I'll understand it.
I bet you're wondering when
The next payback shoe will eventually drop.
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up.
I bet you're wondering how far you have now danced your way back into dead.
This is the only kind of love
As I understand it that there really is.
You can express your deepest of truths
Even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it.
You can fall into the abyss
On the way to your bliss
And I'll empathize with.
You can say that you'll have to skip town
To chase your passion and I'll hear it.
You can even hit rock bottom, have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it.
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Old 02-24-2019, 11:40 AM
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sry i am or had break down. funny thing is i thought i was 48 but im not lol asked hub other day and said i am 47 and i thought i was going to be 49 this year! i have no clue how i lost that! i know i have black outs and got health probs and yeah mental health probs, but to lose a year? sry again not just health, need to get eyes checked out and i ended up smashing head at work and no its not first time i have been having probs with definition orwhat the heck. i am so embarrassed that i am telling u, and i dont know where i am going from this.



I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything is going to be quite alright
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused, I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chicken ****
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to, my friends, yeah
Is that everything is just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab
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Old 02-24-2019, 02:05 PM
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Hey Erratic, there's no shame in having a breakdown you know, my husband had one a couple of years back and I probably contributed to it if I'm honest. Mental illness is just as serious as any other kind of illness and deserves the same empathy and respect.
It's good that you can come here and talk about your problems, no topic off limits here. Sometimes it just helps to write your feelings down, it's like offloading your worries.
I hope you didn't hurt yourself too much when you smashed your head, did you need to go to the hospital? Go get your eyes tested if that's what's needed, you have to look after yourself and your eyesight is precious.
Oh and I'd be happy to lose a year or 10 and that's the truth. I don't think you losing a year on your age is that bad really, its no worse than me when I get my grand children's names mixed up, honestly I've even called my granddaughter by the cat's name and vice versa. I'm always doing it.
Go and have a chat to your doctor if you're concerning and take good care of yourself. Big hugs and lots of love to you. xxx
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Old 02-24-2019, 02:07 PM
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Just checking in to say goodnight, I hope you've all had a fabulous weekend.

Sleep well Aprils, see you tomorrow. xxxx
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Old 02-24-2019, 02:51 PM
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thanks daisy x
having a very big prob in communicating. watching film with hub and not seeing same thing, also looks like with others x. was working this morn and was in fine mood ass i am a morn person and end of shift everything was wrong. me banging my head is just a small thing, just little things going wrong. yeah just **** as looking into health probs, but its a linkin song crawling . not knowing my age and **** is like linkin song confusiong what it real. there is something inside me, the world is closing inside of me. to find my self again found this way before insecure! my wounds will not heal, confusing x

sry for this crap

speak when i can
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Old 02-24-2019, 06:53 PM
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Do you have a Dr or counsellor you can talk to Erattic?

I've learned to go see someone when somethings not right - fair enough my probs are mostly physical & I know mental health is often seen differently to physical health but it shouldn't be IMO.

D
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Old 02-25-2019, 01:15 AM
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Morning all. Back from Washington, am now at the premier inn at Heathrow before jetting off to New York tomorrow. Feel much better today, doing nothing in Washington was obviously the right thing as sore throat almost gone now.

I forgot to say I am 10 months sober wooo hoooo!! I never EVER thought that would be possible.!!

Erratic, as long as you are comfortable sharing, then please post whatever you like here. I won't and I am 100% sure no one else on this thread will judge you. We have all suffered with alcoholism and other things too. I am 46 now but sometimes I really have to actually think how old I am!! I know that putting the alcohol down was the SINGLE most imortant thing for me to do. Can you just concentrate on getting sober for the time being? Remember we are all here for you!!

Gonna try sleep now. Will check in later x x
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Old 02-25-2019, 05:38 AM
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13.25

Good afternoon Aprils and it's a gorgeous sunny one here. Hope you're all okay. I've had a bit of a busy morning, did the school run then took my car in to the dealership for them to investigate why it's burning oil the way it is, thank goodness it's still under warranty. They will be keeping it for a few days but the courtesey car they gave me is lovely and I won't want to be giving it back.

Erratic, as per what Dee and Snitch say, can you possibly go and talk to your doctor please or your councillor?I'm really worried about you and if you go and see someone sooner rather than later you might nip this thing in the bud rather than let it escalate out of all proportion. You know yourself that something isn't right so please go and get it sorted, that's what you'd tell me to do isn't it?

Wow Suze, many congratulations on 10 months, it's an amazing feeling isn't it and I always knew you could do it.
I'm glad your sore throat is better, I hope you get a good sleep and then come back and post some more. xxx

Love to you all. xxxx

Thought for the day....."Your body is precious. It is your vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care."
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Old 02-25-2019, 02:55 PM
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Evening all,

Gonna hit the sack in a minute as early start tomorrow. Got to get up at 5am for New York yuck. Hate really early starts! My cold has come out in full force now. No sore throat just sneezing and bunged up, haven't been able to do any of the workouts I was planning but hey ho!

I've been spending most of the afternoon on my step 4 work. I have procrastinated a bit with it but decided to pull my finger out and get cracking and it's been good. It's all about healing myself so why wouldn't I want to do it?! That's my addict mind for you, trying to keep me in the pain and misery lol.

Daisy it's great your car is under warranty still. We were going to scrap mine but now we are thinking to get it lot's elsewhere and see what someone else says and maybe look at fixing it and getting another year out of it. We'll decide when I get home.

Viper, I need your diet, I want to get shredded too. Lol! Actually am serious I need to know what you eat! Or don't eat! Haha.

Erratic how are you doing? And you too Nichole?

Night all
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Old 02-25-2019, 04:30 PM
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Hi Aprils, just posting quickly before I go to bed, I hope you've all had a good day.
I'm a bit stressed out and head-achy tonight, my son again of course. His landlord Bill took my grandson to school this morn and let him cross the road and go into school on his own, it's a busy road at drop off time and there are lots of road works there at the minute, plus my g.son is not street wise and not particularly sensible. One of the mums at school raised her concerns to me so I messaged my son and politely asked if he could ask Bill to make sure he sees my g.son into school if he takes him again and I explained why. You wouldn't believe the abuse I got back, seriously, he also phoned me screaming like a lunatic, he was so loud I couldn't understand what he was saying. I ended up terminating the call. He then sent me a text saying he is 'done' with me and calling me a manipulative b****! Wow. The good thing is that I have no desire to drink, I would have done 12 months ago, but not now, I refuse to give him that control. It's times like this that I find letting go of resentments really, really hard. I'm struggling with it.
I'm sorry to ramble on about him and I know I'm boring, but I just need to get it off my chest.

I hope your cold disappears quickly Suze, keep it to yourself, I've just got rid of one. I hope your trip to New York goes smoothly and at least the mornings are getting lighter now, though I'm a morning person and quite happy to be up at the crack of dawn.
Good luck with step 4, I have no doubts that you'll crack it.
Yes, thank goodness my car is still under warranty, it's only a little Hyundai i10 but it gets me from A to B.. You should see what they've given me though as a courtesey car, a brand new top of the range, all singing, all dancing cherry red i20. I won't want to give it back and I don't even like driving!

Viper, please share this shredding diet because I'm interested too.

Erratic, you okay?

I'm off to bed now to read a chapter or two. Sleep well all of you. xx
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Old 02-25-2019, 09:29 PM
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Hello Aprils !

i am writing this from my phone and sans reading glasses - I won’t know how many mistakes until tomorrow haha!

Thanks for sharing the Alanis lyrics. I expect ally love ‘thank u’. And thank you for sharing what’s going on with you. Sounds like you’re doing the best you can considering. I agree with Daisy, I’m happy to lose a year or 10 haha!

Im healing to NY on Weds to see friends and family. My friends in NJ, NYC and mom and stepdad in CT. My mom and I share a birthday (3/4). We are exactly 25 years apart. We couldn’t be more different. My mom was quite abusive and critical my entire life. She’s mellowed a bit with age and her long term illnesses but she’s a HUGE trigger for me - but I limit my time to 48 hours or less and this has worked the last few times I’ve gone to visit. Please send some good wishes that this is a good visit. I think I’m stronger now than ever, but it’s amazing how fast the mother daughter dynamic can change in an instant. She alwasys seems to mention something she doesn’t like about me or why I play with my hair or chew my gum “like that” or cutting me off and changing subject when I try to tell her about certain accomplishments. I truly feel like she is envious - it’s a terrible feeling to have abkutbyour parent. My ex used to say it to me all the time and I didn’t want to believe him. almostn8 years ago we got into a fight after I had been drinking and she punched me in the face and knocked me to the floor. After I told my aunt, my mom made up a story that I had kicked her in the stomach, which NEVER happened. I was not in a black out and in fact hadn’t drank for several hours by the time this occurred. She then told me I wouldn’t remember because I was drunk. She straight up lied to make me look bad so she didn’t have to be revealed as the abusive mother that she’s been. It was one of the most painful times in my entire life. And guess what? My drinking escalated to new proportions after that....

anyway - sorry I didn’t expect to even share that.

Suze I’m about to be 46. I think getting older is an honor and a privelfge but sometimes I do fear getting older. I go back and forth and working on being more in acceptance on a daily basis. Everyone is going in the same directions. No one gets out of this alive.

ok I will check in while I’m on the East Coast. Sending lots of love and hugs to you all !

xoxoxox
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