One Year and Under Club Part 62
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: GA
Posts: 700
Hi all. I've been sober from alcohol and cocaine since March. I see some familiar names! It's nice to be on SR again.
I'm here because I recently started taking adderall again rather responsibly (I thought) until NYE when I for some reason decided to flash back to a former version of me and treat it like it was coke (even though I used to be prescribed adderall and never did that). I felt a familiar unhappiness when I woke up on new years day morning, shame, guilt, regret, wondering where the heck I went wrong...
I had been going to AA weekly and only had the last step left with my sponsor but she dumped me around Thanksgiving because I turned down an invitation to a party she was hosting. And probably also not speaking up in meetings, going to enough or generally being enough of "a part of".
I felt fine and not resentful about it, still getting support from my family and also sober bf. Still have sober IG, read sober lit, listen to sober podcasts. But at some point I got offered free adderall, didnt turn it down and then didnt act in a very honest or sober manner, hiding what I was doing from my bf in the upstairs bathroom, going back to do another, just like I was back at the bar I worked at. I want to move past it, pretend it didnt happen. But it did and since I no longer have a sponsor to look to, I must be honest "aloud" somewhere.
I'm also struggling with my sobriety date and all that BS. It shouldn't even matter. But it does. Too much.
Thank you for being here.
I'm here because I recently started taking adderall again rather responsibly (I thought) until NYE when I for some reason decided to flash back to a former version of me and treat it like it was coke (even though I used to be prescribed adderall and never did that). I felt a familiar unhappiness when I woke up on new years day morning, shame, guilt, regret, wondering where the heck I went wrong...
I had been going to AA weekly and only had the last step left with my sponsor but she dumped me around Thanksgiving because I turned down an invitation to a party she was hosting. And probably also not speaking up in meetings, going to enough or generally being enough of "a part of".
I felt fine and not resentful about it, still getting support from my family and also sober bf. Still have sober IG, read sober lit, listen to sober podcasts. But at some point I got offered free adderall, didnt turn it down and then didnt act in a very honest or sober manner, hiding what I was doing from my bf in the upstairs bathroom, going back to do another, just like I was back at the bar I worked at. I want to move past it, pretend it didnt happen. But it did and since I no longer have a sponsor to look to, I must be honest "aloud" somewhere.
I'm also struggling with my sobriety date and all that BS. It shouldn't even matter. But it does. Too much.
Thank you for being here.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,166
Hi GBE, good to see you are looking for support her to bolster your sobriety. Obviously you realised that beginning to take Adderell, was your AVs sneaky way of getting you back into addictive thinking, leading to your mistake on NYE. I feel you need to look at why you are holding back from participating in meetings enough. Is it that you are holding back because you find it difficult to do? Are you shy and anxious about speaking? Are you holding back because there are things you are afraid or ashamed to talk about? Or possibly do you hold yourself apart because you don't believe you were addicted to alcohol and cocaine, merely an abuser of both?
I feel that if you get to the crux of why you don't engage with others in recovery, you can begin to move forward from there, with the right kind of help. It sounds like your sponsor was insufficiently able to help you, though the way she dumped you was unfortunate. I've never gone down the AA route myself, but friends who have, tell me that the relationship with their sponsor is important. It is possible she did all she could, and now you need a different kind of help.
I'm free to be PMd if you don't feel like spelling things out here but want to 'talk' .
I know from my time here, that I only truly began my journey through recovery, when I finally embraced my alcoholism. It is a part of me, part of my biology, my chemistry. I need to accept that. It is no worse than diabetes and in a lot of ways easier treated. Just. Don't. Drink/Drug.
My exh was an alkie, drank vodka at 8am. Drank even as he spewed his guts up and DTs almost rattled him off the bed. I compared my alcohol abuse with his and knew I wasn't an alkie. Wrong. Anyone who has an unhealthy relationship with an addictive substance, has a problem. The level of that problem doesn't really matter, how deep we fall, how badly it affects others. What matters is how it affects how we truly feel about ourselves. If we wake feeling one iota of self disgust then we have a problem.
It is the hardest thing having to give up an addictive substance, and it is made so much harder when said substance is socially acceptable and you are considered different for not partaking.
Be Strong Undies, you have a force behind you called SR. It will give you the necessary strength, but you need to reach for it honestly, nakedly and seek your rebirth.
Here endeth the Toots New Years Lecture!
I feel that if you get to the crux of why you don't engage with others in recovery, you can begin to move forward from there, with the right kind of help. It sounds like your sponsor was insufficiently able to help you, though the way she dumped you was unfortunate. I've never gone down the AA route myself, but friends who have, tell me that the relationship with their sponsor is important. It is possible she did all she could, and now you need a different kind of help.
I'm free to be PMd if you don't feel like spelling things out here but want to 'talk' .
I know from my time here, that I only truly began my journey through recovery, when I finally embraced my alcoholism. It is a part of me, part of my biology, my chemistry. I need to accept that. It is no worse than diabetes and in a lot of ways easier treated. Just. Don't. Drink/Drug.
My exh was an alkie, drank vodka at 8am. Drank even as he spewed his guts up and DTs almost rattled him off the bed. I compared my alcohol abuse with his and knew I wasn't an alkie. Wrong. Anyone who has an unhealthy relationship with an addictive substance, has a problem. The level of that problem doesn't really matter, how deep we fall, how badly it affects others. What matters is how it affects how we truly feel about ourselves. If we wake feeling one iota of self disgust then we have a problem.
It is the hardest thing having to give up an addictive substance, and it is made so much harder when said substance is socially acceptable and you are considered different for not partaking.
Be Strong Undies, you have a force behind you called SR. It will give you the necessary strength, but you need to reach for it honestly, nakedly and seek your rebirth.
Here endeth the Toots New Years Lecture!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: GA
Posts: 700
Thanks so much Toots. I will think about these things. I have no doubt about my addiction to alcohol. It destroyed my spirit and my body and I dont ever want to return to drinking the poison. I suppose I have a harder time finding the same passion to hate substances that didnt "do" me like alcohol. If I'm honest I'd say I am still self medicating, but to a much less damaging extent. It's hard to condemn it since I dont get hangovers, feel very emotionally stable and mostly happy....until something like NYE happens. I must reassess.
I do not share in meetings because I have panic attacks while publicly speaking and the thought of saying anything immediately gives me enough anxiety to distract me from what others are saying. I love my sponsor and thank her for what shes done for me since March, but I do think she's done all she can. I love the steps of AA but hate the legalistic side. I'm not tossing it away completely. Even though I didnt share in meetings I tried to be helpful after meetings with cleanup and dishes, I tried a weekend AA conference with 2 other women, I went for dinner at the local female sober living home a few times.
I don't know toots, I will keep ruminating on it!
I do not share in meetings because I have panic attacks while publicly speaking and the thought of saying anything immediately gives me enough anxiety to distract me from what others are saying. I love my sponsor and thank her for what shes done for me since March, but I do think she's done all she can. I love the steps of AA but hate the legalistic side. I'm not tossing it away completely. Even though I didnt share in meetings I tried to be helpful after meetings with cleanup and dishes, I tried a weekend AA conference with 2 other women, I went for dinner at the local female sober living home a few times.
I don't know toots, I will keep ruminating on it!
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,166
I think it's a bit ripe of your old sponsor to try to be so forceful about you sharing if she knew of your anxiety, if she didn't maybe you should tell her, even if you feel the 'relationship is over. It may make her think more about her own reasons for her actions next time she has the responsibility of another's welfare.
It sounds like you are doing all you should regarding AA, it the self medication thing is really just AAs sneaky wa of keeping you using an addictive substance. Anything that alters your reality ought be stopped as it can be an avoidance for dealing with real life and real emotions. You say you feel emotionally stable, but are you really avoiding emotional upheaval?
I know that the first year of stopping drinking ( by then only drank, my other drug had been pot) I pretty much projectile vomited suppressed emotions from years back. It was bloody hard to deal with, but I needed to in order to move forward.
I'm not judging sweetie, just offering my own perspective and thoughts. I'm glad you are here
It sounds like you are doing all you should regarding AA, it the self medication thing is really just AAs sneaky wa of keeping you using an addictive substance. Anything that alters your reality ought be stopped as it can be an avoidance for dealing with real life and real emotions. You say you feel emotionally stable, but are you really avoiding emotional upheaval?
I know that the first year of stopping drinking ( by then only drank, my other drug had been pot) I pretty much projectile vomited suppressed emotions from years back. It was bloody hard to deal with, but I needed to in order to move forward.
I'm not judging sweetie, just offering my own perspective and thoughts. I'm glad you are here
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: US
Posts: 16,898
I've never had a sponsor, but I would be turned off by that too. I also don't attend many meetings or share when I do; I just quietly sit and listen. I figure if I show up and get through the day without drinking, then that's what's important(?) Maybe not 
P.S. Toots I love the picture of your pup!
P.S. Toots I love the picture of your pup!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
Just posting a few random thoughts ...
* I had one of those drink dreams last night, and it woke me up. It's been a while since I've had one of those. I was aware of what I was doing was putting myself in jeopardy, so that being in the dream was a good thing, I guess.
* My anxiety from the holidays has been coming down pretty significantly. For my next extended time away from work I think I have learned that I need just a little more structure than I had to get through it with less stress. I'm feeling more confident.
* My finances are becoming a bit of a concern for me lately, so I am going to have to make some choices, mainly giving up cigarettes, to alter things for for the near term. For the longer period of time I'm struggling to find some additional work from home (evenings) occupation part-time to supplement my income.
* I love having my new kittens around, and I owe my home class some pictures. They are growing. (So am I.)
* I have a lot to be grateful for, and I will do better to remember those things more frequently.
Many happy returns to all of you.
* I had one of those drink dreams last night, and it woke me up. It's been a while since I've had one of those. I was aware of what I was doing was putting myself in jeopardy, so that being in the dream was a good thing, I guess.
* My anxiety from the holidays has been coming down pretty significantly. For my next extended time away from work I think I have learned that I need just a little more structure than I had to get through it with less stress. I'm feeling more confident.
* My finances are becoming a bit of a concern for me lately, so I am going to have to make some choices, mainly giving up cigarettes, to alter things for for the near term. For the longer period of time I'm struggling to find some additional work from home (evenings) occupation part-time to supplement my income.
* I love having my new kittens around, and I owe my home class some pictures. They are growing. (So am I.)
* I have a lot to be grateful for, and I will do better to remember those things more frequently.
Many happy returns to all of you.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,337
Hi everyone!
I don’t post here often but I’m still around.
Read all the posts from the past few days, good reading!
My anxiety level is down to about a 6 from a 10. Things falling into place.
My prayers for everyone here, that we are posting in the ‘overs’ by this day next year or sooner😍
I don’t post here often but I’m still around.
Read all the posts from the past few days, good reading!
My anxiety level is down to about a 6 from a 10. Things falling into place.
My prayers for everyone here, that we are posting in the ‘overs’ by this day next year or sooner😍
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 1,276
Originally Posted by Stronger2017 
Belated Happy New Year from me!!! 16 months sober and feeling ok. Actually enjoyed the Christmas holidays (numerous parties and all). I might be getting this😉 All the best for 2019!
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Hi everyone 
Just popping in to say hi
I’ve been travelling and camping out for 3 weeks with my partner and catching up with his family and friends. Lots of drinking going on but I stayed sober (ate waaaay too much crap food and sugar, but I can get back on track once I’m home).
It was a big challenge remaining socially engaged the whole time, as I was the only non drinker and I am still grieving the loss of my parents, this first Christmas without them
But I got through it without drinking. I’m looking forward to getting home and having some quiet time and personal space again. In one week I’ll have 8 months sober.
I’m so glad the festive season is over, I’m hopeful that 2019 will be a much better year than last year. Love to you all ❤️
Just popping in to say hi
I’ve been travelling and camping out for 3 weeks with my partner and catching up with his family and friends. Lots of drinking going on but I stayed sober (ate waaaay too much crap food and sugar, but I can get back on track once I’m home).
It was a big challenge remaining socially engaged the whole time, as I was the only non drinker and I am still grieving the loss of my parents, this first Christmas without them
But I got through it without drinking. I’m looking forward to getting home and having some quiet time and personal space again. In one week I’ll have 8 months sober.I’m so glad the festive season is over, I’m hopeful that 2019 will be a much better year than last year. Love to you all ❤️
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
Willow, you have shown such strength and character while going through so much. You deserve to have a return to your space of familiar things and people to allow you to continue your journey of recovery and in processing the grief that you have been feeling. I've also got to return to a healthier diet after the past few weeks. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Anywhere USA
Posts: 2,099
Hello all! Guerner I am with you with the eating healthier plan, I have great plans and intentions but fail miserably in practice,,,,
The other night I had a throw back drinking dream, its not that I was drinking, I was buying wine and hiding it again. Woke up in a all to familiar anxiety attack. I am still having some residual emotions its like I have to remind myself that if I haven't bought any wine than there is none to hide or be discovered. I have had some echo's of my AV trying to enter my life again, little whispers, suggestions of "just one". The trigger I know is that my husband is leaving this Friday and will be gone for a little over a week. prime drinking time (was ). Fortunately my AV is one of the stupider one and pops up when I am no where near wine and couldn't buy if I wanted to. Getting my sober muscles a good stretching and will be ready!
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The other night I had a throw back drinking dream, its not that I was drinking, I was buying wine and hiding it again. Woke up in a all to familiar anxiety attack. I am still having some residual emotions its like I have to remind myself that if I haven't bought any wine than there is none to hide or be discovered. I have had some echo's of my AV trying to enter my life again, little whispers, suggestions of "just one". The trigger I know is that my husband is leaving this Friday and will be gone for a little over a week. prime drinking time (was ). Fortunately my AV is one of the stupider one and pops up when I am no where near wine and couldn't buy if I wanted to. Getting my sober muscles a good stretching and will be ready!
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