Purplrks3647

Happy St. Patty's Day, fellow Undies! "Gee, I wish I had gotten wasted last night" ~~~ said no one ever

Guener

The only green thing I can think about on this St. Patrick's Day is how I would feel if I took a drink. Actually, not true, I did visit Ireland some years back and remember coming in for a a landing and seeing just how beautifully green the landscape was as we approached Dublin. Despite drinking at the time, I had a very nice visit and would love to go back again as a sober man.

tootsl1

Hi Undies, how is everyone doing?

Purplrks3647

Hey Toots So far so good....haven't really had "drinking dreams" that others speak of, but last night in my dream I drank half a beer before I was like What am I doing?!?! It was kinda weird.....

So nice of you to check in on us!

tootsl1

I would call that a drinking dream! I feel a 'drinking dream is avny dream where you are consuming or have consumed alcohol and yet part of you is aware that you shouldn't be doing it? I know I often felt quite out of sorts the day following any drinking dreams. I do still occasionally get one, but it doesn't bother me so much.

Willow00

Hi Toots and the Undies
I’m ok. I’ve been quite flat for a few days and I have been struggling to pull myself out of the slump. I went to see my counsellor yesterday which was really good, and she recommended a couple of books, one of which I started reading last night, which is so far so good. I need to take positive steps to build my life into what I want it to be. The AV was quite loud and persistent and insidious for a few days there, but it’s back in its cage at the moment and leaving me alone. But its only 6.30am and I’m not fully awake yet, so that could have something to do with it..

tootsl1

At least you are doing something positive when you feel you need help Willow. That is such a good move. Keep strong sweetie!

Guener

Yes, as long as we are doing what we need to do, that is some progress. Some days I fly along with ease in my recovery and others are a bit more difficult. I had one or two of the more rough days this week, and I'm glad that I'm still around sober and more or less mentally fit.

Lately my brain has been sending me signals that I need to be careful about how I interpret things, that if I wasn't attending to my sobriety that it would, in the past, have led to a crash. Or maybe I'm remembering that the last longer stint of sobriety I had lasted just about this long, and I'm faced with hard days now and am more vulnerable. Regardless, I am here, sober.

Am I struggling now? Not fundamentally. I just notice the noise in my head is there lately.

Purplrks3647

Sounds like some good mindfulness there, Guener I think of that too....when I get to that point of around 5 months, (my longest sober stint) I know I'll be feeling shaky, like a fear of the unknown or something

tootsl1

I feel that in early recovery our focus is putting one foot in front of the other and making sure neither hand finds a bottle, it takes all our focus. A few months in, we are more able to look outside our recovery at what life is doing around us. We begin for the first real time, to deal with situations in the emotionally adult fashion that we always should have, but stunted our ability to do. It is difficult learning or relearning to deal with the complexities of emotions we find in differing situations when our default setting is ' run, find a bottle, hide,'
I thing you are all doing so well dealing with especially hard times in life just now and dealing admirably. I know you all have what it takes to make it, and I feel you are all learning to believe that of yourselves.

Guener

Early this morning I'm putting the scrub brush to the floors, literally, to do a little refreshing of my environment. It feels good to be doing something like that today. I like the idea of one foot in front of the other and the hand away from the bottle, it's got motion and restraint in one idea. I am not thinking of anything while I'm cleaning but on what I'm doing instead of letting my mind wander or race.

If I was a gardener I would be planning out what the spring beds would be needing to be readied. But I just kill plants, LOL. It takes a lot of discipline and care to grow things, I just have to focus on what I am good at presently.

John65

Hi Toots, I'm doing ok thanks, hope you are too!

Hello to all the other Undies

Guener

I was inputting my markers on an app I use daily to track my health and mood, work, exercise, etc. and all was pretty good. Still, I am feeling somewhat anxious and cynical today and am going to have to let it go. Harboring these kind of emotions isn't good for my sobriety. I did a lot of work but feel like I didn't get anything done, WTH, LOL.

There, I got that off my chest. I'm actually glad to be in a busy time, despite being worried about a few things getting done. I like the feeling of movement toward a goal, and perhaps that why I'm off right now, I feel stilted. Tomorrow can be a better day.

tootsl1

Guerner, maybe find a little time to meditate, that helps me let go negative feelings. It doesn't need to take long either, just a little me time to focus on bringing more positivity into your day. I think you are doing tremendously well.

Guener

Thanks, Toots, I do need to put in some quiet time for letting things go. I should have taken a walk after work yesterday, why didn't I think of that and just do it? I'm not particularly good when it comes to meditative thought, my mind is always talking to me. I know it's okay to let the stream happen, but it is hard. Willow reminds me to breathe, and I need to practice that more and more while I'm under stress during these days.

tootsl1

A walk after work is another way of getting some quality 'me' time Guerner. I took Molly for a walk up to the observatory behind our house today after spending hours painting. I hadn't felt like it but she needed the run, and once out i was really glad to be stretching my legs in the fresh air!

Purplrks3647

Guener there's lots of music on Youtube that can be very soothing...meditation/relaxation etc. There are also guided meditation sessions on there....just a suggestion....I find them pretty helpful

Willow00

Hi everyone, just popping in. I’ve been so busy with working lately that I haven’t had much time to get to SR, but I’m trying to have a quick read and post somewhere each day

Guener

My energy level is low lately, or I'm tapping my reserves and feeling it, but sometimes that does make it mentally difficult to come up with something "worthwhile" to contribute. When things are taking a lot of new time and energy to navigate, that makes a difference, too. Such are the ebbs and flows.

jimmyJlover

Today marks a strange day for me I guess. 6 years ago today I embarked on a quest for staying sober, although I didn't know what to expect and perhaps didn't quite understand what I was doing. Around this time I had begun to realize I had a real problem. I felt beat up and remember it quite well. I'm not sure what I had planned or how committed I was, but I wanted to not drink. I think my goal was to be "fixed" and maybe learn to drink socially or on fun occasions...like everyone else.

I racked up 90 days but still held onto to some notion I would be ok with time off from alcohol or learn to drink normally again. There was never any real withdrawals or pain. Just hangovers and feeling like a complete loser, knowing I had this problem of isolating myself and slamming beers, but too weak to fix it. But I ultimately felt I could do this on my own.

So after telling myself I would be ok having abstained for 3 months, I drank again. I wasn't able to ever succumb to the fact I had a problem with alcohol. I didn't want to relate to other alcoholics. No acceptance and in fact, a complete stubbornness that I was too good to have a problem like that. I was strong enough to fix this I thought.

What made me drink again was wanting to feel normal. I wanted to have a few with some friends etc. I wanted to be social. Then just like that, I was back at it and I remember knowing with clarity how quick it took to be right back where I was.

It progressed, worsened, and then something happened...drinking changed. It owned me. All of it. Flash forward to last year, I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to stop the madness, so I did.

But I cannot help to feel anger, resentment towards myself, and play the game of "what if" today. What if I could've just stopped? What if I could've accepted I had a problem and realized I needed help? What if I would've adapted to AA? I would have 6 years sober today and probably avoided some bs along the way.

I know I shouldn't do this to myself, but it's hard.