Class of May 2018 Part 4
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
I talked to an old, dear friend last night for an hour, and that was so nice. I have been invited to come out to visit, yet again, but before I'm able to do that I will need to raise money, so he is planning to come see me again this year. I'm starting to come out of the shell that I put myself under while my Dad was becoming more ill and then passing away.
This will be my first day back at work, and I am looking forward to it a little bit but not with enthusiasm. Because the University I work at was closed for Spring Break during the days after Dad left us, I haven't used any bereavement leave yet, so if I need to help out Mom sometime this week I will be able to take another day or two off to do so (or for myself). On the other hand, getting back into routine will probably be good for me.
My AV was speaking to me yesterday, but it was easy to put that away. Prolonged periods of time off and stress are things I need to be careful of when I am still early in sobriety, so it doesn't surprise me much. It wasn't the holiday being what it was.
Any new job is a lot of pressure, Free, so just hang in there a while and it will become your second nature to do what you need to do. I know you are aware of that, but it helps to be reminded by somebody who just went through it. I will be happy when the conference I am organizing here will be past next month, so I will have that off my plate, still plenty of details to check off on that list.
After some coffee now, I am beginning to feel better about going to work, LOL. I am going in early to get time alone to organize. Add in a little breakfast and I should be at full speed.
I can hear others leaving for work, so I better get my things in order, too.
This will be my first day back at work, and I am looking forward to it a little bit but not with enthusiasm. Because the University I work at was closed for Spring Break during the days after Dad left us, I haven't used any bereavement leave yet, so if I need to help out Mom sometime this week I will be able to take another day or two off to do so (or for myself). On the other hand, getting back into routine will probably be good for me.
My AV was speaking to me yesterday, but it was easy to put that away. Prolonged periods of time off and stress are things I need to be careful of when I am still early in sobriety, so it doesn't surprise me much. It wasn't the holiday being what it was.
Any new job is a lot of pressure, Free, so just hang in there a while and it will become your second nature to do what you need to do. I know you are aware of that, but it helps to be reminded by somebody who just went through it. I will be happy when the conference I am organizing here will be past next month, so I will have that off my plate, still plenty of details to check off on that list.
After some coffee now, I am beginning to feel better about going to work, LOL. I am going in early to get time alone to organize. Add in a little breakfast and I should be at full speed.
I can hear others leaving for work, so I better get my things in order, too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 454
Goodmorning free, willow, guener, mantra, John and Dee!
Free- a new job is hard work. But as someone else said... eventually it becomes second nature.
guener- hope all goes well with going back to work and a normal routine after losing your dad. Xoxo
reading old posts is so helpful! It quickly brings me back to the dark, lonely place I was... which is also sometimes so easy to forget.
hope you are all doing well, congrats on 10 months to those how got there! And soon the rest of us will be joining!!!!!
Im at 10 months of my ‘life changing’ date. May 13th, mother’s day last year. I was in such a bad space in my life. I told my husband everything. It was terrifying, I was desperate to change, I needed help. It truly was life changing.
i did make a terrible choice to drink once in June 1. But I haven’t been focusing on that day lately. It bothered me for a while... but I do feel my ‘day’ is May 13th in regards to importance.
Sitting on the couch this morning with my 4 year old daughter. My 6 year old is still sleeping. She has had a temperature since Friday. Hoepfuly she feels better this morning when she wakes.
It is crazy, 10 months later and the sober morning stil isn’t old. And the dreams!!! I am a dream machine lately. Rarely I remember them, but I dream a lot. I have a Fitbit that tracks my sleep patterns, it is so intriguing to me.
ive been into listening to podcasts lately about recovery. And reading ‘alcohol diaries.’ Both are interesting and helpful.
have a good day guys!
my daughter is requesting breakfast.
bumble
Free- a new job is hard work. But as someone else said... eventually it becomes second nature.
guener- hope all goes well with going back to work and a normal routine after losing your dad. Xoxo
reading old posts is so helpful! It quickly brings me back to the dark, lonely place I was... which is also sometimes so easy to forget.
hope you are all doing well, congrats on 10 months to those how got there! And soon the rest of us will be joining!!!!!
Im at 10 months of my ‘life changing’ date. May 13th, mother’s day last year. I was in such a bad space in my life. I told my husband everything. It was terrifying, I was desperate to change, I needed help. It truly was life changing.
i did make a terrible choice to drink once in June 1. But I haven’t been focusing on that day lately. It bothered me for a while... but I do feel my ‘day’ is May 13th in regards to importance.
Sitting on the couch this morning with my 4 year old daughter. My 6 year old is still sleeping. She has had a temperature since Friday. Hoepfuly she feels better this morning when she wakes.
It is crazy, 10 months later and the sober morning stil isn’t old. And the dreams!!! I am a dream machine lately. Rarely I remember them, but I dream a lot. I have a Fitbit that tracks my sleep patterns, it is so intriguing to me.
ive been into listening to podcasts lately about recovery. And reading ‘alcohol diaries.’ Both are interesting and helpful.
have a good day guys!
my daughter is requesting breakfast.
bumble
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
I fell this morning due to the cat (the little one, I think) getting under my feet, and I slipped on the kitchen floor and crashed my ribs into the counter-top trying to catch myself. Ouch! It's the kind of fall that I might have taken while drinking, so it's a bit disconcerting to remember that kind of thing. I will be achy for a day or two, but the cat was safe, LOL.
Yesterday was stressful and a bit disappointing on one count but I will be back at work doing my best.
Feeling out of sorts but hoping for better hours ahead.
Yesterday was stressful and a bit disappointing on one count but I will be back at work doing my best.
Feeling out of sorts but hoping for better hours ahead.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 1,280
Hi Bumble and everyone else in this wonderful May 2018 group 
I don't post as much as I used to but I'm always reading posts here. A few more days and I'll also be at 10 months.
Take care everyone, problems and difficulties do pass.
John
I don't post as much as I used to but I'm always reading posts here. A few more days and I'll also be at 10 months.
Take care everyone, problems and difficulties do pass.
John
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Well done everyone and congratulations on making it this far sober! We’re rocking this sobriety business 
Hi John, Manta, Solly, and everyone
And hi Dee
Guener I agree, being at work is helpful to distract me from grief. But it’s also important to take time off if you need it. It’s good that you have some time available that you can use, both for yourself, and to support your Mum. It’s a tough time dealing with losing loved ones. I still struggle, with good days and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day, lots of tears for my Mum. But I know that grief comes in waves. I’m learning to let them wash over me, just hanging on till they subside rather than trying to avoid them.
Free I hope the new job is going well. Hang in there, it will become familiar the more you’re there. New situations are always a bit scary but you’ve got this!
Bumblebee I agree with you, May 13th is your day. It’s the day everything changed for you.
Me too. I remember May 13th well. It was a Sunday. I woke up with a hangover and I then proceeded to drink about 2 and a half bottles of wine. I started drinking about 10am. I already knew I had to stop because every Monday for months I had been trying to stop but barely ever making even one day. I had started keeping a daily diary about my alcohol consumption and how I felt. So I finished off the wine and went to bed absolutely reeking of alcohol yet again. But I knew that night that if I didn’t stop, the drink was going to kill me. I barely slept. My heart was pounding and racing, I thought it would break out of my chest. I was filled with anxiety and dread. And I vowed that this time I would stop. I tossed and turned and felt like crap all night.
May 14th was Monday morning and it was my day 1. I knew I had to really do it this time. No more halfassed attempts. I stayed in bed all day and drank water. I felt dreadful for days. And I stayed in bed for a few days. In hindsight I should have gone to a doctor, but I just got on SR and read post after post after post. During those few early days I knew I needed help. I couldn’t do it on my own, so I joined SR and started posting. I joined the class of May And I’m still here
I go back and read my diary whenever the AV gets too persuasive. It’s a great reminder why “just one” is a BAD idea. I never ever had just 1. I may have held it together on the surface quite well, and continued to function, go to work, maintain friendships and a relationship, but “just one” was always at least three or four. Pretty much every day. And often quite a lot more than a few. So NO AV, I’m NOT going back there.
You guys are a great support to me. Thanks for being here
Hi John, Manta, Solly, and everyone
And hi Dee
Guener I agree, being at work is helpful to distract me from grief. But it’s also important to take time off if you need it. It’s good that you have some time available that you can use, both for yourself, and to support your Mum. It’s a tough time dealing with losing loved ones. I still struggle, with good days and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day, lots of tears for my Mum. But I know that grief comes in waves. I’m learning to let them wash over me, just hanging on till they subside rather than trying to avoid them.
Free I hope the new job is going well. Hang in there, it will become familiar the more you’re there. New situations are always a bit scary but you’ve got this!
Bumblebee I agree with you, May 13th is your day. It’s the day everything changed for you.
Me too. I remember May 13th well. It was a Sunday. I woke up with a hangover and I then proceeded to drink about 2 and a half bottles of wine. I started drinking about 10am. I already knew I had to stop because every Monday for months I had been trying to stop but barely ever making even one day. I had started keeping a daily diary about my alcohol consumption and how I felt. So I finished off the wine and went to bed absolutely reeking of alcohol yet again. But I knew that night that if I didn’t stop, the drink was going to kill me. I barely slept. My heart was pounding and racing, I thought it would break out of my chest. I was filled with anxiety and dread. And I vowed that this time I would stop. I tossed and turned and felt like crap all night.
May 14th was Monday morning and it was my day 1. I knew I had to really do it this time. No more halfassed attempts. I stayed in bed all day and drank water. I felt dreadful for days. And I stayed in bed for a few days. In hindsight I should have gone to a doctor, but I just got on SR and read post after post after post. During those few early days I knew I needed help. I couldn’t do it on my own, so I joined SR and started posting. I joined the class of May
And I’m still here I go back and read my diary whenever the AV gets too persuasive. It’s a great reminder why “just one” is a BAD idea. I never ever had just 1. I may have held it together on the surface quite well, and continued to function, go to work, maintain friendships and a relationship, but “just one” was always at least three or four. Pretty much every day. And often quite a lot more than a few. So NO AV, I’m NOT going back there.
You guys are a great support to me. Thanks for being here
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
I decided to take one of my bereavement days available to me as a day off tomorrow to spend with my Mom going through some of Dad's stuff together. I think she is beginning to have things sink in about being alone. As we clear out some of his belongings from the house, we can talk and remember him however it pans out. I think we both need it.
In the past 24 hours, as I have been having that disordered feeling in my head and physical pain from my silly fall, I have been reminded of some principles that I need to remain mindful of lately.
* Some things are simply beyond my control
* Do not entertain selfish thoughts
* Negotiating with my AV is as pointless and dangerous today as it ever has been
Coming up on a year it's probably a good idea for me to review my recovery plan. Just going over it can help me to remember how I got here and what needs even more attention to remain sober. The three things above need to be included in that exercise.
In the past 24 hours, as I have been having that disordered feeling in my head and physical pain from my silly fall, I have been reminded of some principles that I need to remain mindful of lately.
* Some things are simply beyond my control
* Do not entertain selfish thoughts
* Negotiating with my AV is as pointless and dangerous today as it ever has been
Coming up on a year it's probably a good idea for me to review my recovery plan. Just going over it can help me to remember how I got here and what needs even more attention to remain sober. The three things above need to be included in that exercise.
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Originally Posted by Free2bme888 
How do I get back to my earliest posts here?
It seems to stop loading after so many pages.
I agree willow, going back to read is a great reminder.
Blessings!
It seems to stop loading after so many pages.
I agree willow, going back to read is a great reminder.
Blessings!
Searching all your posts
A normal search will only give you your last 500 posts (about 25 pages of results)....if you have over that, to go back to your first post...try this
(thanks to member Cynical One)
Find 'search' on the toolbar.
Do an advanced search.
On the RIGHT side
Put in your user name.
Choose the forum you first posted in.
On the LEFT side
Where it says Sort Results By
Choose Thread Start Date In Asending Order
And, then tick the Posts box
A normal search will only give you your last 500 posts (about 25 pages of results)....if you have over that, to go back to your first post...try this
(thanks to member Cynical One)
Find 'search' on the toolbar.
Do an advanced search.
On the RIGHT side
Put in your user name.
Choose the forum you first posted in.
On the LEFT side
Where it says Sort Results By
Choose Thread Start Date In Asending Order
And, then tick the Posts box
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Thanks for that Dee, I think I’ll try that myself. Re-reading my posts would be really helpful. I kept a diary too but I only did that for the first 100 days, then Mum passed away and I stopped doing that, along with many things...
Im glad you’re taking a day off Guener, it will be good to spend time with your Mom.
I’ve been struggling the last few days. I’m glad I have an appointment with my grief counsellor today. She’s been so booked up that this is as soon as I could see her since my initial appointment which was a month or more ago. I’m glad they fitted me in for today
Im glad you’re taking a day off Guener, it will be good to spend time with your Mom.
I’ve been struggling the last few days. I’m glad I have an appointment with my grief counsellor today. She’s been so booked up that this is as soon as I could see her since my initial appointment which was a month or more ago. I’m glad they fitted me in for today
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 454
Wow, all this reminiscing about our early posts/day 1 is kinda a crazy feeling.
yes willow- you are right May 13th was the day Everything changed for me.
you are also correct, it was a Sunday. And just like you I can remember so many details about that day... and the day before too.
on Saturday, May 12th. I went to a first birthday party. The party was at a gorgeous house, with a fully stocked bar in the basement. I was sneak drinking before the party... and then stayed in the basement at the party to ‘watch the kids’ in the playroom (next to the bar.). I proceeded to sneak sips of vodka straight from the bottle.
I was feeling crappy before (hangover, body shutting down from days of drinking, withdrawal symptoms that would not go away even when drinking.) apparently I looked awful, and so I told my husband I didn’t feel well. He left the party to drive me home. Drop me off and went back to the party.
i just laid in my couch and cried. I knew I had to be done. It wasn’t fun anymore. I hurt everywhere. I hadn’t slept well in weeks. All I could think about was when, how and where will I do drink next.
It took my till the next morning to put in my big girl panties and tell my husband.
Sunday morning. Mother’s Day. My husband made me breakfast in bed. I flushed it down the toilet.The sight of eggs made me nauseous.
i didn’t have the guts to tell him face to face. So I finished the wine I had And I wrote this on my notes section of my phone:
5/13/18 7:42 am
Well happy Mother’s Day to me.
Here we go. I’m so scared... you are my best friend in the whole wide world. You know everything about me except this.
I am an alcoholic. I drink all day every day. If I don’t drink i shake and I’m scared I’m gonna have a seizure and die.
I need to live for the girls.
I’m scared to tell you this... but I’m even more scared for my life.
I don’t want to every drink again. Ever.
I’m so sorry pat, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am the luckiest girl in the world and I ruin it.
If you can help me now, I promise I will be a better wife and mother
I kept that on my phone, and re-read it somethings. It puts me right back to that terrifying moment. but seriously, the best decision I ever made.
yes willow- you are right May 13th was the day Everything changed for me.
you are also correct, it was a Sunday. And just like you I can remember so many details about that day... and the day before too.
on Saturday, May 12th. I went to a first birthday party. The party was at a gorgeous house, with a fully stocked bar in the basement. I was sneak drinking before the party... and then stayed in the basement at the party to ‘watch the kids’ in the playroom (next to the bar.). I proceeded to sneak sips of vodka straight from the bottle.
I was feeling crappy before (hangover, body shutting down from days of drinking, withdrawal symptoms that would not go away even when drinking.) apparently I looked awful, and so I told my husband I didn’t feel well. He left the party to drive me home. Drop me off and went back to the party.
i just laid in my couch and cried. I knew I had to be done. It wasn’t fun anymore. I hurt everywhere. I hadn’t slept well in weeks. All I could think about was when, how and where will I do drink next.
It took my till the next morning to put in my big girl panties and tell my husband.
Sunday morning. Mother’s Day. My husband made me breakfast in bed. I flushed it down the toilet.The sight of eggs made me nauseous.
i didn’t have the guts to tell him face to face. So I finished the wine I had And I wrote this on my notes section of my phone:
5/13/18 7:42 am
Well happy Mother’s Day to me.
Here we go. I’m so scared... you are my best friend in the whole wide world. You know everything about me except this.
I am an alcoholic. I drink all day every day. If I don’t drink i shake and I’m scared I’m gonna have a seizure and die.
I need to live for the girls.
I’m scared to tell you this... but I’m even more scared for my life.
I don’t want to every drink again. Ever.
I’m so sorry pat, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am the luckiest girl in the world and I ruin it.
If you can help me now, I promise I will be a better wife and mother
I kept that on my phone, and re-read it somethings. It puts me right back to that terrifying moment. but seriously, the best decision I ever made.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
That's a telling remembrance, Bumblebee, it must feel very different to you today to be I to face each day without the drink and the anguish. It reminds of days where I felt so crushed that nothing was helping, not even a drink. I don't have a profound recollection of the day that I stopped, and now I am enjoying a better place, too.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
I had a really good session with my counsellor and have managed to book a couple of follow up sessions, so I’m grateful for that. I think it’s good to work through my sadness and find a clear path forward. I hope you’re sll going ok.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 1,280
It's been interesting to read people's notes from last May, thanks everyone.
Here's some of mine:
13/5
I really think that’s it for alcohol, for as long as I can manage. The hangover the other day was a reminder how sh*t it can be, as was the previous evening. It’s been a mad few weeks and I’ve also been having too much caffeine so will also address that from now.
18/5
A week ago I was feeling as rough as f**k. Just a week later and I’m already considering having a drink but I wonder if I could actually manage to be moderate.
22/5
Too much alcohol over the last few days. Feel down and sh**ty, enough is enough.
And enough was enough, here I am nearly 10 months later
I have drink related journal notes starting from 2015, I might post a few more at some point.
Here's some of mine:
13/5
I really think that’s it for alcohol, for as long as I can manage. The hangover the other day was a reminder how sh*t it can be, as was the previous evening. It’s been a mad few weeks and I’ve also been having too much caffeine so will also address that from now.
18/5
A week ago I was feeling as rough as f**k. Just a week later and I’m already considering having a drink but I wonder if I could actually manage to be moderate.
22/5
Too much alcohol over the last few days. Feel down and sh**ty, enough is enough.
And enough was enough, here I am nearly 10 months later
I have drink related journal notes starting from 2015, I might post a few more at some point.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Thanks for sharing John and well done on 10 months!!!
it’s amazing isn’t it, how sneaky the AV can be... your words about “I wonder if I could actually manage to be moderate?” This comes up for me over and over and over again. Looking back over recent years, I had been drinking too much for too long. Trying to moderate for years, not very successfully at all. But still the AV trys to get us thinking that we can... I’ve tried so many times over the years to moderate that I should know by now I’m not good at it. It’s easier to abstain completely. So I don’t know why I even give the AV space in my brain...
And onwards we go!
and well done on 10 months!!!it’s amazing isn’t it, how sneaky the AV can be... your words about “I wonder if I could actually manage to be moderate?” This comes up for me over and over and over again. Looking back over recent years, I had been drinking too much for too long. Trying to moderate for years, not very successfully at all. But still the AV trys to get us thinking that we can... I’ve tried so many times over the years to moderate that I should know by now I’m not good at it. It’s easier to abstain completely. So I don’t know why I even give the AV space in my brain...
And onwards we go!
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 1,280
Thanks Willow and yes, my notes are full of AV instances like that. sheer madness! AVRT has really helped me and I'm not sure I would have got this far without it.
Glad to hear your counselling session went well.
Glad to hear your counselling session went well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
Here I am also happy that your session went well and that you have some future ones lined up. Yesterday, early in the evening and until this morning, really, I was feeling just like crap: mildly despondent and bereft of all motivation. But today I have picked up a bit and am feeling more like my new normal self.
I'm still recovering from my cat's putting me on the floor, but all that needs is some more good rest, I think.
It's hard to believe how quickly this week has passed, when the first few days were a bit difficult, but here we are up against another Friday and weekend. I will have to make some plans but not too many. I'm just a bit tired from poor sleep and difficult dreams.
I really have liked the shares from the past brought up, it tells much to see where one was feeling and how it was a big mess in the beginning.
I'm still recovering from my cat's putting me on the floor, but all that needs is some more good rest, I think.
It's hard to believe how quickly this week has passed, when the first few days were a bit difficult, but here we are up against another Friday and weekend. I will have to make some plans but not too many. I'm just a bit tired from poor sleep and difficult dreams.
I really have liked the shares from the past brought up, it tells much to see where one was feeling and how it was a big mess in the beginning.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,335
Hi everyone I’ve liked all the shares to from the past. I think I’m about 70 days out from a year and one week away from my 10 month anniversary.
I have been giving the thoughts of alcohol some rent space in my head. Both in romanticizing it and in distain for it.
Although I am reading all of your texts/threads, because I don’t comment individually does not mean I do not appreciate all of them.
Know that I am here with you reading and lurking.
I have been giving the thoughts of alcohol some rent space in my head. Both in romanticizing it and in distain for it.
Although I am reading all of your texts/threads, because I don’t comment individually does not mean I do not appreciate all of them.
Know that I am here with you reading and lurking.
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