Originally Posted by Willow68

24 please, We had a private family gathering for Dad at the cemetery yesterday. Exactly 1 week since my Mum’s funeral. Dad’s memorial service is tomorrow.

I had major a AV attack from sideways yesterday, I was out with family getting stuff organised for Dad’s public service and we spontaneously went into a bottle shop that was on our way. I walked along the aisles of wines and the AV was trying to persuade me to buy a lovely bottle of red or two as I have been so good not drinking through a few really really difficult weeks and surely it’s fine to relax with a lovely glass of red.... It was so hard to walk out empty handed but I did. And later when there was red and white wine and beer being drunk around the dinner table I had another cup of tea.

I was feeling really sorry for myself and just want this all to go away and not be happening and my parents to still be here, but I know that’s not possible. So I went to bed and looked through all the photos we put together for Mum’s funeral service and I told her I loved her. And I’m feeling guilty that most of my tears have been and still are for Mum and I haven’t really cried properly for my Dad yet apart from my tears yesterday when I saw his coffin but I think those tears were intermingled with tears for Mum, I’m still crying for my dear cherished Mumma who has always been the centre of my world. I know she’s now with God but I miss her so very much. I’m so sad for my Dad too and I know I need to grieve for him too but I haven’t gotten through grieving for Mum and it’s all jumbled together.

I know I’m not processing my thoughts properly and I know I don’t need to feel guilty and nothing was my fault, my parents were both in their late 80s with chronic and serious health problems but I do. I keep thinking maybe I shouldn’t have taken Mum on holiday to see Dad and maybe she would’ve not got sick and what if I’d taken Mum to hospital sooner, and what if....etc.??? I ate five chocolate chip cookies but could have easily eaten another 20.... But somehow I didn’t drink.

I just want to fall asleep and not have to deal with all of this. It’s so tempting sometimes to find oblivion in a bottle but I know the next day will be horrible and I am choosing not to go down that road . One day at a time. 24 hours please. I will not drink today. Love you all, thanks for being here ❤️

Originally Posted by least

I was sober in CA and now sober back home in Ohio. Another day sober for me, please.

Originally Posted by kevlarsjal2

Willow you're being amazingly strong these days and weeks. It's impressive! You are impressive! You're doing so well, dealing with all this grief and sadness and then on top of that not listening to your AV but thinking things through, focusing on what's best for your in the long run.

One thing that I used to do when I was glued to the wine aisles was to think of ANYTHING that I really wanted from the shop that was not booze and treat myself to that instead. Fancy chocolates, some fresh sushi, a fancy rare tea, a sugary soda drink I normally wouldn't buy for myself, those italian handmade biscuits that are clearly overpriced but always look so good... Just anything that I can carry home with me and look forward to, so I don't feel like I went home with empty hands

Originally Posted by Delilah1

Willow,

You've had to handle so much loss, in a short period of time, I'm so sorry. I'm so glad you chose the cookies over the wine, keep them nearby in case you need another few.

You were there for both of your parents, and I have no doubt that was so comforting for them. Sending so much love your way.

❤️Delilah