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Class of February 2018 Support Thread Pt 5

Old 08-12-2018, 09:44 PM
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Have my son back after a month away. He is different. Just in a grown up way. Bound to happen.

So should I be concerned. Laying in bed husband thought I was asleep I look over and he is scrolling porn. I'm often asking if he is attracted to me and I always get a yes. I def have a high sex drive. I know I just went through surgery and haven't felt sexy lately. Should I be mad? I took off my ring and ripped up his photo I keep in my bedroom. I know I have that bottle of vodka in my closet and I came close. cant catch a break. Fml
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Old 08-13-2018, 08:53 AM
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(((Sunshine))) It's good to see you back but what a bummer that you're going through that. It's not worth it to pick up. Someone gave me a bottle of booze a while ago. It's been sitting around, I think I'm going to throw it out. Take care of yourself first and if you feel like you may pick up, post here please or anywhere.

Hugs, love, and good vibes going out to you. Take care of yourself first.

Love ya, Aly ♥
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Old 08-13-2018, 09:23 AM
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Hey Fabulous Febs,
Mrs. Tiles and I are in Anaheim this week. Everything is going well. We missed the plane theft/suicide at SeaTac shutdown by about six hours. The island the mechanic crashed into is one of four islands in south Puget Sound that's about 25 miles south of SeaTac.
We were at Venice beach yesterday, birthplace of the Doors. It was pretty crazy, but not too bad. We walked past one house where tons of pot smoke was billowing out from, and lots of people were smoking pot, but it wasn't all that noticeable. Not much emphasis on booze. We walked and then set up our sun tent on the beach and hung out all day. Went to the Muscle Beach weight pen and hung out and got some good pics. Some street lady was peeing against the wall of the Muscle Beach gym when we walked past, and we saw her a couple more times later that day. I wanted to get a picture with PeePee Longstocking, but Mrs. Tiles forbade it.
On Saturday we went to Laguna Beach and Crystal Cove beach and hung out. Friday was in the park and we're getting ready for a day in the park. Hope everyone has a great week!
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Old 08-13-2018, 09:32 AM
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Originally Posted by sunshine72 View Post
Have my son back after a month away. He is different. Just in a grown up way. Bound to happen.

So should I be concerned. Laying in bed husband thought I was asleep I look over and he is scrolling porn. I'm often asking if he is attracted to me and I always get a yes. I def have a high sex drive. I know I just went through surgery and haven't felt sexy lately. Should I be mad? I took off my ring and ripped up his photo I keep in my bedroom. I know I have that bottle of vodka in my closet and I came close. cant catch a break. Fml
Sunshine...first I want to say that I absolutely love how honest we can be here. I think all of us in recovery are the most honest people in the world because we've been through something that destroys people and we've had our egos dented and bruised a little bit.
Next, I would not be offended or worry if Mr. Sun was looking at porn. In no way does it mean he doesn't love you or feel attracted to you. He was indescrete and should have known better, but I don't think it means anything other than men have an extremely high sex drive.
Last, not to preach, but you have to dump that bottle of vodka please. You obviously were thinking about it and nothing good will come of it. Speaking for myself, I absolutely can't keep alcohol in the house or I'll drink it, even after over two years of being sober. Please get rid of it. that's the first thing. As for the porn, I wouldn't make an issue of it or drag him to counselling. It would be extremely embarrassing for Mr. Sun and would drive a wedge. I would seriously let it go. You can let him know it's not okay, but then drop it and don't rub his nose in it.
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Old 08-13-2018, 10:19 AM
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Jimi - How are you doing? I know you have a lot going on, just wanted to see if you're ok. Let us know when you can. Good thoughts.
Aly ♥
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Old 08-13-2018, 12:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Outonthetiles View Post
I wanted to get a picture with PeePee Longstocking, but Mrs. Tiles forbade it.
Another Tiles classic haha!

Seriously, Tiles your words to Sunshine were much better than I could have said it and I concur with those thoughts. This too shall pass Sunshine, stay strong.

I agree that you and Aly should both dump or give away the poison today. I will say that my wife always has wine and often vodka in the house, it can be tough in a moment of weakness.

Thanks for asking Aly, I'm doing ok. I'm glad you're fighting off your urges. We all should be proud!
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Old 08-13-2018, 12:22 PM
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Well I haven't drank bit I have taken. Xanax and Ambien and chased witmyquil. For a long time I don't want to be here. I feel fat mean a.d ugly and the only thing I have to get these cases parently the pay off my life insurance policy if I die. so if nobody really wants me around then why don't I just off my cell phone and they can have my life insurance policy.
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Old 08-13-2018, 12:25 PM
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If I lose my son and my husband I will not be able to stay In this place. I have nothing else to live for. Sometimes I really truly hate being alive period for some of us it's just torture. So it's like if I have to be sober and I can't have any sort of a release then I feel like why even bother carrying on if no one even wants me anyway
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Old 08-13-2018, 12:26 PM
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Honey, do you have a therapist or anyone like that? You are a totally worthwhile person. You mean the world to me and I'm sure everyone here as well as the people in your family. This will pass. Just hold on, stop the bad thoughts, even if you have to distract yourself, please don't pick up. This will pass and one day at a time. Tiles and Jimi had some good stuff for you too.
(((Sunshine)))♥♥♥
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Old 08-13-2018, 12:28 PM
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And if I'm providing too much negativity for the proup please just kick me out I'm in a pretty low place right now
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Old 08-13-2018, 12:31 PM
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I'm just so sorry you're feeling so down. If you feel like you might hurt yourself, promise you'll call 911. Please just let some time pass, you won't lose your son and your husband. We all feel like crap about ourselves sometimes, but it passes. Hang in there. Let me know if you need to PM me.
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Old 08-13-2018, 12:31 PM
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I did therapy for three years I worked through a lot of things but it's not the cure-all. some things will be with us for the rest of our lives. So I'm going to carry my pity party on and I'll be back later and I love you all I can't handle pain gets me everytime
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Old 08-13-2018, 12:33 PM
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You are in my thoughts. Hugs, love and prayers coming your way. ♥

Are you going to be ok?
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Old 08-13-2018, 04:00 PM
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I passed out. I'm fine. That was a massive anxiety attack. I'm sorry for worrying you all but isn't this what this place is for. Life isn't always positive.
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Old 08-13-2018, 04:04 PM
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I'm glad you're OK, that's what's important. ODAAT. ♥
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Old 08-13-2018, 05:08 PM
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Exhausted from melt down. Still have tears. Lets get this straight. It's really not over porn. In honesty I watch it too with him. It's that I have felt sexually and intimately neglected and unsatisfied. Then with this surgery I've felt extremely low. So to turn to see my lover choosing porn over me (how I felt) cut deep. I'm not a prude, Porn is o.k. Just bad timing is all. I love him and maybe another night of dealing with my emotions will work. We have some deeper issues that I think are coming out with this incident. So we will see. I don't want to drink. I know alcohol does absolutely nothing for us. I need to learn to deal with pain. Signing off for the night. Thank you for being there.
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Old 08-13-2018, 05:10 PM
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Take good care and sleep well. xo
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Old 08-13-2018, 05:43 PM
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I'm glad you posted - and please don't feel bad or defensive about honest shares.
I think you could use some help tho - I appreciate counselling and therapy are not cure alls, but they can help.

If you're feeling suicidal there are numbers to call and things to read:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html

I hope I'm not coming across as scolding - I, like everyone here, wants to see you happy Sunshine

D
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Old 08-13-2018, 06:14 PM
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Thanks Dee I know everyone here has my best interest into mind and vice versa. I just wanted to reiterate that this wasn't just about porn because that is understandable. I think there are some deep underlying issues that I've been tucking away hoping that they weren't real. Sometimes do you have thoughts of what it would be like and how it would affect others if I wasn't here any longer. Sometimes I think that I'm not strong enough to handle this harsh life. I think about the people that I love and how they would be affected and hurt and that always turns me around because I don't want my son to ever have to live with the fact that his mother took her life for the rest of his life. But sometimes I don't even think he would care and I would not be in his way anymore. I will reach out and try to talk with someone professional. I have done so in the past and I've never connected with anyone on that level because I just see right through them and they're just trying to earn their paycheck and watch their clock until the time's up and they have to deal with the next nut case. from all of been through in my life I'm pretty strong and I'm sure this is going to pass. Just like everything else does. The Show Must Go On. However I think that maybe we all have thoughts of what life would be like if we weren't here any longer. Sometimes I don't feel hope that there are better days ahead and that's a low place to be. I'll get some good sleep and tomorrow will be a better day and I hope to be back to my happy self.
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Old 08-14-2018, 07:18 AM
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I did it! I got through the biggest low point I've had in a very long time without drinking!!! Thanks much to you all for being here for me!! Thank you so much. I asked my husband to sleep elsewhere last night and he respected that. Although, I woke up with him next to me. He really does love me. We talked it out and he understands why I was so upset. He has apologized and now I'll work on my self-esteem. Wow that was a very close call. I'd like to apologize for putting so much negativity on our wall.
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