Calmerwaters

Yes, I do agree - there really is nothing than to be there and listen. Emotions change from day to day (for everyone). Thanks Phoenix - I really do appreciate your sharing.

I've always struggled with the doing too much / guilt that I haven't done enough. Or letting someone down. Part of it I think is the growing up with a parent who was alcoholic...having to be the parent, anticipating what would come next, responding to moods. The terminal feeling of not somehow meeting someone else's needs. (or anticipating them before they happen, ideally)


It's interesting, I had an awful dream about my best friend and it's really affected me also.


Anyway, I'm really just thinking (typing) out loud...my ponderings, musings on this. I'm grateful for you all.xx


Thanks for my cuddle, Gilmer. Wish we were closer - I'd give you one right back, lovely lady.xx

Soberwolf

A little pop in to say Youuuuuuu Guyyyyyyys

Calmerwaters

Hey Wolfy!! Great to see you!!! Hope you've been doing well. (And your lovely wife too, of course.)

Calmerwaters

More venting here. (I'm also suffering a little from insomnia at the moment, so apologies.)

Sooo, I'm never, ever one to really interfere in my kids lives, or specifically their relationships. As hard as it is, I do think they are adults, and the pain of life and their choices are a result of their decisions. (Of course, it's hard to be all philosophical - I'd love to jump in and fix everything, but that's not healthy, right?)

….Anyways. My son has been through a really draining, what I would call 'volatile' relationship for the past 2 years. Breaking up, making up. I'm pretty sure that his partner had bipolar. Along with that, early in the relationship, one of her children from a previous relationship was diagnosed with a pretty grim diagnosis of Autism.
My son, to her admission also, had always been super supportive, cooking meals, babysitting her children and generally filling the gap wherever possible that her (apparently) abusive ex-husband left.


About a year ago, I found out my son had been giving her significant amounts of money to cover groceries, or power bills etc. She would drop requests on him at the last minute - a sob story that her power bill arrived, or she had no money for various reasons. She claimed the lack of money was due to her ex-husband sporadically, or simply not paying child support/maintenance.


She miraculously reunited with my son after about their 100th break up and claimed some treatment was needed for her son. My son took out a significant loan to cover the costs of her childs treatment. She broke up with my son about a month later. No efforts have been made to repay the money.


Long story, but my son has just tried to forget about it but is still really in a bad way over the break up. As in I do fear at times he is suicidal. I'm dealing with immense anger at this girl, and also see that she has most likely cheated on my son, played him for a fool and basically moved on to her next line of money.


Sooooo….every part of me wants to contact her and indicate that some efforts need to be made to repay that money. Her family is actually quite wealthy too, but she's probably out stayed her welcome on that credit line.


I know it's just best to put this all behind us as a scrape with a very destructive, cruel person. And as a parent I should butt out. I spoke to my daughter about it and my current partner (both of whom have witnessed her behaviour first-hand) and both said yes, I should contact her. I found that part really surprising. I was thinking they would say no, let sleeping dogs lie. But our whole family feels totally taken advantage of by this girl. I'm also considering contacting maybe 1 or 2 of his closer friends to see what they think.


I know everyone here has their own lives and problems, so yes, I'm mulling this over in my mind, typing it out here, but any thoughts (or no thoughts are fine too) are welcomed. Butt out, and help him move on, or make some effort to see if the money can be repaid? I don't think my son is emotionally strong enough to deal with her in any way, but I feel like she has screwed us all over and my son is left to repay a loan for her childs treatment, whilst all I can see is her posting pics of her and her new guy swanning around on fb.

Gilmer

That is rough, Crois. I’m really sorry that he wasn’t wise to her sooner.

Calmerwaters

Thanks Kathy. Yes, they had problems early, before the 3 month mark and I said to him then, if it's this bad in the honeymoon period when everyone is normally on their best behaviour, this is as good as it's gonna get. And it wasn't very good. She's actually very charismatic, almost to the point where you do doubt yourself. A few times my daughters have even said, it was unnerving. Narcissist perhaps.

Anyway, thanks for reading my essay. It was late, and I probably spewed it all out wanting to vent. Sorry for inflicting that all on you here, haha.

I doubt I would confront her, but it doesn't mean the desire isn't there to right a wrong in some way. Logically, I tell myself she's so heartless, that no resolution would ever be had on the money anyway.

Dee74

HI CW

I was taken quite badly in a monetary sense by one of my partners back in the day, so I'm gonna go a different way to some of the advice you're getting.

I agree with this.

The likelihood of you seeing any money back is not very good - and if its the price for everyone being able to move on, its probably cheap at twice the price.

Trying to get the money back kept a connection alive - my ex loved it...in the end I had to walk away,

I do see your concern for your son and his mental state but I'm not sure getting the money back would change that?

I hope he finds the help he needs.

D

Calmerwaters

Thanks Dee. What you've shared means a lot. Yes, I agree, that's a good way to put it. 2 years of his life wasted on her was a big enough price to pay, no need to drag it out over a monetary thing which still keeps her in the picture in some way.

A sleep and a vent here helped dramatically. Thank you for helping me to find some peace with it.

Soberwolf

Hiya Croiss xx

Didnt mean to jump and post directly in a meaningful conversation yesterday guys i just thought of my crew (julyers) and thought lemme say hello xxx

Spk soon x

Calmerwaters

Appreciate your noting that, SW, but I honestly didn't notice - I was so genuinely happy to see you pop in. I get it. Thanks for saying something though...x

Mags1

Hi CW, I truly hope your son will move on from this bad experience. Sending prayers and love

SnoozyQ

Happy Birthday Mags, sorry I missed it xoxo

Hi everyone. Hope you are all well.

Crois I am so very sorry to hear about your best friend, I truly am.

SR is where all your friends are and I hope we can give you as much support as you need darling.

It's been a terrible year for a lot of us and we just hap to keep gathering up that strength that helps us through the hard times.

It's not easy, but I have you wonderful group of friends that have unbelievably help me through bad ****.

We are all doing ok .

My love and thoughts are with all of you .

Much love Wendy xoxo

SnoozyQ

So lovely to see you Wolfy xoxo

Mags1

Good to see you Snoozy. Lots of love my friend xx

SnoozyQ

You too lovely xx

Gilmer

Great to see you, SW!

resolute50

Hi gang.
It is easy to retaliate,CW. Much harder to hold our tongues.
People like that will eventually answer to a higher power. Sometimes before they leave this earth. I have seen people that abuse and boast knocked down.
And you just know that it was brought on themselves.
Sad that people have such a damaged and dark heart like that .
I suppose we all could be that way if we were not blessed with a caring spirit.
Your sons gift was given in good spirit. In hopes of helping her son that was born with issues. I pray that this act of kindness will be repaid 10 times in return. God Bless.

SnoozyQ

Sorry Crois we must’ve cross posted and I just saw this now.

Oh boy, do I understand where you are coming from girlfriend.

She is a nasty piece of work and sounds just like my sons partner.
My ex husband set my son up with a business and lent him 50k from an inheritance from his parents . He also payed for both of their phones for 12 months to get them on their feet.

Once the money was payed down, this bitch had a fight with my ex and told him to get off of their property !!!! I tried to tell him to stop lending them money because of how nasty she is.

She asked me herself if I could loan her 10k it would get them out of money troubles and if I loved my son , it would stop him from committing suicide as he was so depressed.

I said No & if Christian is depressed I will talk to him about it and not her.

Well...then she started ...you’re a ****** up mother you’ve always loved your girls more, you are the one who sent him into depression.

Etc etc blah blah blah. She called me every filthy disgusting name under the sun.

I rang my son and she answered his phone and told me to eff off.

She then tried my sister for 10k and said the same. If he commits suicide it’s on your hands etc.

Eventually they list the business because of her stand over tactics and abuse to customers.


My point is dear Crois. You can never argue with stupid.

You are more than likely going to get yourself more worked up and lose more sleep over it.

This is only my opinion , but it’s WORTH that money to get her out of your lives. Otherwise it just lingers and festers inside you.

You will never see that money again, think of the gift it was to get her out of your lives.

I would gladly take that loss.

Sometimes it’s just not about being right, even though you are 100% right in this case. It’s about your peace. Your inner peace.

Delete her out of your life and try to get you son to as well. Get her off of fb, block her number and just move away from it.

What’s done is done and perhaps you could help your son out a little financially if you can of course so it doesn’t seem a huge loss.

It was never going to get better with this girl.

After what I’ve been through I would NOT wish that upon you.

Life is too short, let the bitch go. Xoxo

Calmerwaters

Aww Bob, I saw your post very late last night just as I was going to bed and it brought tears to my eyes. He is, and has always been the kindest person. Even when he was little, the Mums at school would come thank me because he'd stood up for their little girls when they were getting picked on etc. He was the little boy who sat next to the girl with the huge coke-bottle glasses, every day at story time, when no one else would. He has a hodge-podge of friends, that he's often dragged home for love and care, growing up. And to this day, his friends will always say he's the one they can always depend on.

But with that comes a cost. And yes, I do think this is going to be one of those pivotal points in his life where he looks back and learns that unfortunately, not everyone has the best intentions or a good heart.


Thank you for your kind, calming words. Yes, we need to move on.

Calmerwaters

And after Bobs, lovely calming post to go to sleep to, I woke up to this cracker of a post from you, Snooz. Thank you too!


Thank you for taking your time to share all of your story, I could see your spirit in there too...it's exactly how I feel. Thank you for reminding me I'm not alone in this. How awful it is what you've been through with Christian - I knew some of it, but the above would have just added insult to injury.

yes, I have not been friends with his ex on fb for a very long time because they were always arguing. I did just check and look after my son said she'd moved on with someone else, but yes, I'm not looking at her stuff anymore. Solves nothing.