MariahGayle

Thank you everyone I woke feeling pretty physically sick from stress of it all, I have an appt with councilor @ rehab in an hour. Worked on a plan this am & took a couple of steps toward my financial situation this am. Im going to have to get out from under this house & expenses that go along with it as the stress of waking every morning wondering how I’m going to pay this bill or that bill to keep afloat is too much.........I’ve done all I can do today & I’ve told myself all I need to do the rest of this day is to not drink/smoke.

MariahGayle

My youngest Son, 20 years old told me 2 days ago he’s going to fight wildfires this summer. Our fires are becoming increasingly dangerous & he has asthma. Will be real good for him to go live in the thick of forest fire for 2 or 3 months. We lose young men every year & the thought of that in just unbearable

freein14

Hope your counselling session goes well, Mariah. It's a good move to be seeking more support at this time. Thinking of you,

MariahGayle

What a week.....things have been extremely uncomfortable at work but had a talk with my supervisor today & she assured me I didn’t have to worry about my job & that the things I’ve told her in confidence as a friend, would not be disclosed to anyone. I know I’ve not been giving my best there the last couple of months with my drinking spiraling out of control along with my emotional state & I assured her today that I am committed to giving my best to our department, to do whatever I can to make things easier for her.

I am not feeling very good about this out patient rehab I’m in......went to a relapse prevention group again after work tonight & like last week.....I don’t feel I got a thing out of it. I have been doing meditation every morning & as I go to sleep at night & that has helped with the anxiety which is Almost unbearable now that I’m not drinking.......going to call it a day, the next 2 days are going to be really busy at work. Night all

freein14

Glad to hear that your work situation has improved, Mariah. It sounds like your supervisor is supportive, and that will be a great help.
Are you seeing someone to help specifically with the anxiety? Now that you're no longer covering up the underlying issue with alcohol, the anxiety may be forcing you to discover something important about yourself. Meditation is a great resource.

Talking of which, I'll be leaving for my retreat in a little while.....I'll be back on Monday evening, so will check in then.

Have a great start to the weekend everyone.

I'm in for the Bargain.

MariahGayle

Enjoy the retreat Free!

MariahGayle

Early morning.....in local parade for work. So glad that is over & home for a clean & sober night. So glad to have the day off tomorrow & going to spend some time with Mom. Have a good night all

Dee74

busy week - hope everyone's doing ok. In

would they accept your son with asthma Mariah?

D

MariahGayle

I haven’t talked to him Dee & I’m afraid as he’s not had much trouble with his asthma the last few years, I don’t think he’ll tell them. I did send a text to his girlfriend who is a Medical assistant, my concerns....probably why I have t heard from him.

MariahGayle

Nice day......took care of a few jobs around the house, mowed the lawn & watered. Took my Mom down river to a property that has been in the family for over a hundred years, where my Dad proposed to my Mom while sitting on the limb of a giant madrone tree. The property is being sold by my Uncles kids & Mom wanted to go down one last time. We took some “snips” off some rose bushes & bought some root starter to see if we can get some plants going for our yards. She told me she was glad I was there with her. I took some nice photos of their tree

Hope alls well with everyone

MariahGayle

So quiet here......Free, hope you are home safe from your meditation retreat.

Tops, you must have 1/2 a dozen projects going around the place with only working 2 nights a week? Hope all is well

Glad to be home for the evening. My roommate is gone for the next week, his 23 year old step brother died of a heroin overdose this last weekend & I drove him to the airport last night. So very sad

I went to my Doc yesterday to ask he prescribe something more for my anxiety....he won’t & said I would need to see a psychiatrist & don’t think they have one where I go for treatment, so plan on talking to them tomorrow (I left message with a councilor there yesterday who still hasn’t returned my call) & closing out with them & going back to another agency that has a psychiatrist. In the mean time I’m committed to not drinking/smoking & am feeling better, accept the anxiety. I’ve been doing my meditation morning & evening.

I’m going through some hoops right now to get in a position to either sell or rent my house out. Not sure where I’m going from there but trying to be optimistic I’ll find something much more manageable financially for me. The thought of change is a bit scary but is time. Have a good night All......

topspin

Free , … have we lost you to a state of Nirvana ?

Mariah , started riding a little more ,..and making a little headway with several projects . Nothing too exciting ,... mowing , pulling weeds , chopping up some old rotting stumps , etc.

They need me to work Fridays now , … "until they find someone "
It's not a bad schedule . Fri. and Sun . are 5pm -1 am . Mon. night is the only shift that ends at 2am . You'd think it wouldn't make much difference ,....1am or 2 am !?


Once you get from behind the eight ball on the house situation ,..that'll be letting go of something that causes stress hormones we were never built for . Our stress hormones were designed to be used short term ,...like when we see a lion .
Fight or flight stuff ,... we run off and get away ,..or get eaten . Either way, our cortisol levels go down soon . !

In modern life ,...having an unmanageable financial situation for instance ,...or a boss that is a jerk ,... etc. can be long term, (persistent,.. day in day out )... and cause unnecessary metabolic health problems .

MariahGayle

Your just now a few hours in on you shift TS & hope you have a good night.
Yes, this is definitely been a stresser for awhile now & am glad to be taking my some action! I’m a bit concerned about finding a smaller place that is affordable here with the price of rentals, but I worked for a property manager here in town who said he would manage this place at a very reasonable price so that I can completely walk away, even if I just rent it out & am going to let them know what I’m looking for & Wait for the right place, even if I have to camp out for a while.

Home for the night....I’ve been coming home completely exhausted this week & just trying to go with it & take it easy for a bit. I had planned to work a couple hours tomorrow but our entertainment cancelled so I am glad to have the weekend off.....going to have All Grandsons tomorrow am/noon for awhile to play in the Pea gravel out back with trucks. Will have 2 little Great Nieces in the afternoon & for the night too going to get some rest so I can keep up with them all!

Thinking about all the Fools.....

freein14

Nirvana?

Not quite, but it was a life changing experience for me. I'm aware of many roles and conditionings that I have identified with, and some have just dissolved away. I feel lighter and freer somehow. It was incredibly intensive, and possibly one of most challenging things I've ever done. I did contemplate coming home after the first few hours, but thank goodness I stuck with it.
Coming back home, and back to work has been a bit of a shock to the system. Everyone I've spoken to about it hasn't really got it, so to speak. I feel a bit like an alien.
Things that seemed important before, have lost their pull. I hope it lasts. I'm diligently practicing mindfulness meditation, and trying to stay as receptive as possible.

Mariah, you have been a total star over these days and weeks. You've kept focused, stuck to your priorities and got on with the show that is life! There's a new chapter on the horizon.....I bet it's going to be a good one. I hope you find a mindful psychiatrist that will look holistically at your situation. It will be very helpful I'm sure.
Keep keeping on!

I have the whole weekend at home, my dad has gone to stay with my brother for a couple of days.....wow, 2 whole days!!!

Tops, Hope your days going well too - I'm out in the garden today too.......ohmmm

Dee, glad all's well with you,

Love to all

obosob

Morning all.

Dropping in to say hello.

Lost an old friend to smoking and drinking 2 weeks ago.

He was 58. I was the last one to see him. He was sick. He wanted to die. His body was shutting down. Red wine all day for 20 years and chain smoking leave a man as a complete wreck.

He didnt want to go to hospital. He was aware of what was happeneing. He wanted to die on the family farm. I demanded he go to the doctor. He argued it was his decision to make. I left him with well wishes and positive thoughts. He died that night.

Ive been dancing around with this devil for far too long. I could often see the devil in his eyes. One of the last things he told me was he wished he had quit drinking 20 years ago. His pancreas and liver were so shot one more drink would kill him. And still thats what he did.

So Im back you guys. With a new level of sincerity.

Very grateful to have this platform to talk about everything.

Hope all are well

lessgravity

54 days here

MariahGayle

So sorry for your loss Obo & good to see you post. I’ve been reading a lot here too Obo which is very helpful. Im just 15 days sober now (drank once in last 30 days) & just ready......absolute acceptance that I can’t & don’t want to drink again. It takes me to the lowest of the low if only inside myself & we have this one life.
Glad your on our bus Obo

Have an appointment with treatment program councilor on Friday. Will be writing down some things Ide like to address & hopefully leave there with a plan.....
Good night/Day All

MariahGayle

Less gravity glad to see you post too & congratulations on 54 days....awesome!

obosob

Thanks Mariah its good to read your posts too. A lowly day 1 here. A mental and physical shell of myself. But im going to turn this around. A new plan is needed.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss Obo.

D