scottynz

Hi everyone,

I am shattered after an intense two day course. It was on the other side of my city so it’s been 5am starts, but still getting to bed lateish as all the cooking/cleaning/homework kid wrangling etc still needed doing.

It’s been a really interesting course but very full on and my brain is full. It was located in a very upmarket hotel and to get coffee in the morning you had to walk past its bar overlooking the ocean. The bar was closed that early, but damn if my AV didn’t decide it felt like a drink. I’ve never been a morning drinker so it was such a weird sensation. It’s like the AV is getting frustrated by being denied and seizing any opportunity it can. It was just a fleeting thing, but just strange.

I’m finding the advice to ‘play it forward’ really helpful in combatting the AV in general, yes that first drink might feel great, but that is not where the story will end.

I’m really struggling with sleep and sugar, quite possibly they are related. I haven’t slept well for a long time (part of that is due to a kid who roams around at all hours - lots of people with autism do not have typical sleep patterns) and I just seem to be craving sugar too much.

Tomorrow is 50 days for me so I am going to try to give the quitting sugar thing a go again.

Sorry I don’t have more time to catch up properly, but just quickly congrats on finding a house Sunflower. I settled for a home I did not really have as my first pick and it ended up bringing me connections to really important friendships and a whole change in career that would never have happened without it. I was SO upset when I missed out on my first choice, but now so pleased it happened.

Enjoy the new dog ubntubnt, mine is an old girl now and has been such a delight, even if a few chair legs were gnawed in the early years.

Great to see our other classmates, I am still concerned about Trophyn, hope he is ok.

scottynz

oh man, I typed a long message and it didn’t show up. It’s been a long two days on an intense training course. Too tired to try to write it again, but thinking of everyone, celebrating the wins and walking alongside you with the challenges.

scottynz

lmaoOh lol there it is, I forgot to turn the page

PalmerSage

ubntubnt, I had to google that type of dog, and some of the pictures are so cute it's ridiculous. Is it one breed, or a class of several different breeds? We're in the market for a dog too, but we're stuck because my husband wants a big dog and I am resisting.

numblady, that is a serious list of mocktails! I'm so weird in that I even stopped drinking most of the sodas I used as mixers, but I've loosened up on that somewhat. You've intrigued me with this "drinking vinegar" concept, it sounds terrible but I want to try it anyway! I'm sorry about your cat, too...I've never had a cat, but it doesn't seem like they would appreciate all the things you mentioned!

scottynz, isn't it funny how the AV surfaces? That's great that you're thinking about giving up sugar. A part of me wishes I could, but then I'm like, "what would l have left?" Which of course is a strange deprivation mindset.

shell77, great to see you, my friend!

NewChapter, I'm so sorry that you're going through a rough patch with your husband's business. I know it seems like you don't have time to post, but it could also be very therapeutic too.

Day 79. Yesterday was a better day than Sunday, mostly because I was out of the house and doing stuff, including something I've been putting off for a while. I still feel very emotional, tearing up at odd times and then thinking that maybe I should play some sad music and just get it all out at once! I'm not sure that's how it works, though. I guess I just need to practice some patience and appreciate that some things are not in my control, and will resolve themselves in due time. Man, it was hard to even type that because it's so not me!

Today will be a tough day at work, because I have a difficult conference call followed by a lunch where I need to be very "on." However, I will focus on drinking my water, eating better (I basically ate sugar yesterday with some brussel sprouts thrown in), and making sure I get on the treadmill this evening.

Have a great day, all!

ubntubnt

Hi Palmer, it’s a cross breed designed to be as adorable as they look. I probably would have chosen a bigger dog but once I saw his big eyes looking up and me whimpering for attention I instantly melted and that was that, game over.

I can relate completely to the sugar cravings. I am getting them each day around 8pm/9pm. Right when I would normally be loaded up on sugar and alcohol. It’s funny that I would think nothing of drinking hundreds if not thousands of calories with alcohol but would rather cut my hand off than drink a glass of full fat coke. Anyway for now I am not sweating it too much. If I eat some chocolate and fill up so be it. Then brush my teeth and off to bed. That’s a win. I can wage the war on sugar later, maybe next week I will try to cut down a little but if the AV pipes up I am eating a kilo of chocolate.

All in all things going well at the moment. Life seems to be coming together and I have no real scheduled events in my diary that would be a big risk. Let’s keep it simple and enjoy the small stuff for now. Nice and slow.

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class,

Day 51 for me. I woke up this morning with crushing anxiety again and had to take a Xanax to get myself out of bed and into work. I haven't had to take it in months, and not since I was drinking. The situation with my husband's business is increasingly stressful and I just feel like I am drowning. I'm trying to keep focused and working on getting through this rough patch, but it is becoming increasingly difficult as I feel like I've exhausted my reserve of positive energy at this point. I know that it doesn't help that I've missed the gym and yoga for the last week due to adverse weather conditions where I am (a lot of businesses were closed for most of last week) and this week I am incredibly busy with work, trying to get on top of things for my husband's business, with clients of my own and with study/lectures. I apologise for dumping all of this here, I don't really expect any guidance or sympathy, it's just cathartic for me to have a safe space to vent my concerns and name my fears, to get it off my chest.

Thanks for your kind responses last night, it really helped.

@Ubntubnt: I googled Teddy dogs and they are so adorable!! I'm so happy to hear that you are enjoying all of the little gifts and perks of sobriety.

@Shell: Well done on 73 days (74 now?!) - what an achievement. You're an inspiration to me! I'm so sorry to hear you are going through a similar rough patch. I know how difficult it is to open up about these things. I usually try to bottle it all up and that's when the anxiety goes into overdrive and leads to binge eating/drinking and depressive feelings/lethargy and finding it hard to get up in the mornings. I'm trying to get out in front of it so I can mitigate these negative effects and take control of the situation. Please know that we're all here for you if you need to vent.

@Sunflower: You are so right. When the AV came whispering, I shot that sh1t down by reading over old posts and journal entries, and reminding myself of how much WORSE drinking would make everything. Things may be bad right now, but at least I am sober, and that's something to be grateful for at least.

@Numblady: I am sorry about your cat!! It's not silly at all - pets are an extension of the family and I can totally understand why you feel that way. I hope kitty recovers well and speedily!

@Scotty: That's great to hear that you are enjoying the course (if a little intense!) - I'm completing a diploma course at the moment and loving it, it's so interesting, even if the lectures are adding to the chaotic schedule right now. It's interesting that your AV is starting to get more conniving by trying to catch you off guard at any opportunity - well done on identifying it and shutting it down! Congratulations on 50 days!

@PalmerSage: You are absolutely right re: posting and finding the time. I noticed myself slipping and quickly realised this was a dangerous pattern as it could leave the AV with an open opportunity to capitalise on my stress and alienation from the SR support here. I will be actively posting and reading daily to ensure this does not happen. Thanks so much for your concern and gentle advice.

I hope everyone else is keeping safe, sober and well, too. Thanks Class.

milly4me

NewChapter - No need to apologize for "venting" here. That's what we are here for. Honestly. I'm so sorry to hear about the stress you are under. Xanax is serious. I know it's not something you would resort to unless your stress load was really bad. I really think our alcohol addiction (for many of us anyway) really is an addiction to a bad coping mechanism. We drank to blur the edges off of stress and eventually we drank TOO much and it added to our stress load. I'm sending you my best and strongest "peace vibes" - lol. Seriously though both you AND I need to find better ways to cope, kwim?

Tyg2 - I wanted to thank you for reaching out to me and responding to my post. I have to admit I was surprised because I haven't seen you posting much. I'm so thankful you did though, because your post really woke me up. I do hate doctors. But you pointed out that I need to deal with medical things better. So . . . because of your post, I did call and make an appointment with my doctor. Thanks!

(see guys, I really do appreciate and listen to all your great advice - lol)

Ubntubnt - I just can't even concentrate on anything you said beyond YOU GOT A PUPPY!!!!! I WANT A PUPPY!!! Seriously, I promise never to drink again if I can have a puppy - lol!!

Shell - How are you doing? Are you still reeling emotionally from your mini "meltdown" the other day? Feeling better?

Sunflower - I have to say this to you. Moving is absolutely one of the biggest stressors I've ever experienced in life. So many people do it so well . . .like it ain't nothing. But man that stuff is soososooo hard for me. Two and half years ago, I moved. Ug. And I bought a house I wasn't 100% in love with (moving from a house I lived in for 24 years and loved, loved, loved). My home just is such a grounding thing for me. If my relationship with my safest place on earth (my home) is "off" then everything is off. I'm not trying to scare you with my strong feelings - lol. I just want you to pause and know that moving is a big deal. You are perfectly right to let it be the big deal it is and not try to minimize any emotions you have about it.

BTW, I'm building a relationship with my new home. It's been a bit of a love affair actually. I fall in love with it a little bit more every month.

I realize I sound crazy.

Numblady - dear.LORD girl your days off even exhaust me - lol. Sounds like you're doing great. Keep it up. Sorry about the cat. Cats are difficult to deal with when it comes to medical stuff. BTDT.

Scotty - Man your work stress sounds intense. Are you done with the across town work? What's next on your work schedule? Congrats on 50 days. That's a GREAT number.

Palmer - Girl I love your consistency on this thread. You are always there to help everyone. Still . . . uhm . . . you worry me a little bit . . . you say things like "I'm not one to complain" and "it's not like me to tear up" . . . Are you maybe holding too much stuff inside? Obviously we seem like complete opposites with how we share on these threads; I blurt out everything that bothers me and get tons of great advice . . . you seem to help everyone but demand non of the attention you give back for yourself. I'm likely reading wayyyyyyy y too much into things. I do that. It just mean so much to all of us. I want you to know that.

Anyway, for what it's worth . . .

Komplex - how's it going???

Athomeuk, 4thefallen, TROHYN - where you at?

Love and Peace Sober Buddies!

Komplex

Hi NumbLady, I hope the vet went well. I enjoy using the weekender threads, and I’m pretty sure you can pop in any time. There is a lot of action there. There’s often a lot of light conversation that I find distracting from dwelling over drinking/not drinking. I hope to see you in there this Thursday!

All else is well. Day 47 here and I think it’s starting to get easier.

Komplex

A more proper hello -

I’m doing great! Still on here and in AA daily. Just starting step one this week. Handling work stresses better, relationship stresses worse. I do find myself resorting to my old ways of self-sabotage and anti-dependence when it comes to this. I will figure it out though - sober!

Scotty - I love the term “play it forward” sometimes I think man that one glass looks so good - then I think about where one glass ALWAYS leads.

UBNT - congrats on your dog. I got one in Oct. I’ve found him to be a big part of my recovery as he was hurt by my drinking too. Our long walks help me clear my mind and stay focused.

Congrats on days 74 Shell, 51 Newch & 79 Palmer. (I feel your sugar struggle lol)

Sunflower - congrats on the house find.

Milly - I like that you are still learning to live your home 2 years later. I feel a new appreciation for mine if 10 years now that I’m sober.

Hi Tyg, Trohyn, ATM, 4the and anyone else I may have missed! I hope you’re reading and doing well

Take care Class!!!

NewChapterJan18

@Komplex: Congrats on Day 47! Re: Sugar struggle - I'm stuffing chocolate into my face as i type, on the way to lectures!! Back to gym and healthy eating tomorrow I hope!

@Milly: OMG I couldn't agree with you more. The extremes of my personality (drinking, eating, etc.) are definitely rooted in a deeply maladaptive psychology for reflexively coping with stress and failure. Yes, we need to identify better ways of handling those times for sure! I find exercise is a great outlet which usually keeps my anxiety at bay, but when I allow myself to fall into old patterns or let the negativity take hold, or if something (work, schedule, family stuff, obligations - LIFE in general!) gets in the way of my regime or plan, I react really badly and my resolve can get derailed, which compounds my anxiety, stress levels and low self esteem for failing AGAIN. I'm going to make a huge effort to address this over the next few months and hopefully this will strengthen my sobriety tool kit also. Are you finding that the spinning is helping you to manage those feelings? We can do this together!!

athomeuk

Hey gang! Just checking in to say that everything is still going ok here.

We're also looking for a new house. When we saw our current house my wife cried and that was that, but truth be told, even though it's very beautiful, it's never really worked for us. So we've started looking for somewhere new. No rush, but we want to move to the countryside.

I've signed up for a run this weekend. 10k. My wife is doing it too Haven't done anything like this for years so it will be interesting to see how it goes. Then a potentially tricky situation. I'm going with my son to a 6 Nations game in the afternoon. I normally associate rugby with drinking so have decided to drive to remove temptation.

Have really enjoyed catching up on everyone's posts. Good to hear people doing well. I feel like I'm beginning to understand who who each of you are and what you're about. A little anyway. When I messed up it was difficult to come back to this thread and post. But it was a great decision. Hoping those who haven't posted for a while come back and let us know how they are doing.

NewChapterJan18

@AtHomeUK: Good to hear from you! Congratulations and best of luck with the 10k - so nice that your wife is also doing it with you. Well done on the forward thinking re: triggers of rugby game attendance for old behaviours, and for putting a plan in place to prevent any temptation. I hope you enjoy the game with your son - just think of how much sweeter the memory will be, unsullied by the broken and hazy memory of alcohol. It takes huge strength to return after a relapse, and I'm so happy you did. This little SR family has to stick together, through the good times, the bad and everything in between!

milly4me

Nope. Not yet. Spinning really just feels like work. But it will get better. I know it will.

milly4me

athomeuk - I love that you signed up for a 10K. That is awesome. I'm considering signing up for a 5K WALK.

So guys, here's my catchup. 53 days today. Crazy.

But also 5 days on a really restricted diet for G.I. issues. I've been missing the carbs and sugars more than the alcohol these days.

Still going to too many parties/events that have alcohol, but luckily still haven't been really tempted.

On Saturday I hubby and I attended a costume murder mystery party. The booze was flowing and everyone was having a good time. I had a prop that was a martini glass with olives and a lemon twist that I filled with water. It was all fine. It bothered me more that I couldn't eat the olives than I couldn't use real booze. The host did mention that I seemed quieter than normal. Drunk me is LOUD.

Sunday, I had to pass on a gala event that I was already signed up for because it was a preset, sold out, fancy dinner thing and I can't eat anything. My sister took my place and raved about how good the food and drinks were. She doesn't drink, but she tasted some of the pairings that my hubby had and thought they were amazing. I'm glad I didn't go. Some of the drinks sounded too good.

Last night, I finally joined a book club that I've been meaning to join. It's actually a group my dear friend who recently passed formed. She's been after me for years to join it. I decided I would in her honor. It's a small group ( about 16 ladies) and I know about four of them. I was running a little late and when I arrived everyone had a glass of wine in front of them, including the empty chair they had saved for me. It didn't tempt me. Several women didn't even finish their glasses, so it was no big deal that I didn't touch it. No one seemed to even notice.

Tomorrow I have a fundraiser to attend that is actually "mandatory" for - of all things - the non-profit, exercise group I recently signed up for (the group hosting the spinning classes I've been going to). It's really a neat organization. But - OF COURSE - they assigned me to pour the complimentary wine at the bar for the event. I thought about trying to get out of it . . . but as you can see - ALCOHOL IS EVERYWHERE in my life. I mean it everywhere. Everyday I'm getting more use to it. I'll just work the bar. At least that means I won't have to stand awkwardly about introducing myself to strangers - which would certainly make me want a drink much more.

Friday is the open bar board meeting I have once a month.

I'm just amazed at how many people AREN'T alcoholics now that I've taken a step back and looked at all these things.

Ug. So that's about it. I'm more concentrated on healing my gut than thinking of drinking.

PalmerSage

Milly, I'm so glad you posted because I've been thinking of you and forgot to give you a shout-out...my apologies. It definitely sounds like you are super social. There are lots of events I could attend in my neighborhood (book clubs, wine clubs, dinner clubs, hanging out with "fabulous" folks), but they all seem like an excuse to drink. I may be projecting, because as you said, the vast majority of people don't revolve their life around drinking, but despite being very friendly, I'm something of a recluse these days except with close friends and family. So sorry to hear that your diet is restricted, I would be super annoyed if my sugar and carb binges were off limits. Congrats on day 53, you're doing so great.

athomeuk, the race sounds like a perfect activity, especially because your wife is doing it too!

NewChapter, I'm so glad you're back to your frequent posting. I know it's not easy to find the time, but it sometimes sets the tone for the day and forces us to note some of the good things about being sober, ammo for those times when the AV is loudest.

ubnt, I want a cute, fluffy little puppy! Will have to live vicariously through you.

Sunflower, decorating a new house will be super fun (I'm 100% obsessed with Houzz, but have too many ideas and not enough focus sometimes!)

I'm waiting for my turn on the treadmill, which always helps me so much, then I need to find a new book to read since I finished the last one.

Dee74

congrats on 51 days NewChapter
and 47 days Komplex, 74 days shell

Congrats on 53 days Milly - one thing I'm better at now is saying no - if you don;t want to go to something or you feel obliged/[ressured to perform a task like tending bar but you don't want to, it's ok to say no.

Yes people might be ticked off but my recovery is vital to me. I don;t have to give chapter and verse as an excuse either.

It's not above my AV to use my nobility or sense of obligation to put me in a dangerous 'wet' spot.

Good luck on the 10k and the new house Athomeuk

D

ubntubnt

Just a quick check in here this morning. I am very happy to see Athome, Komplex and Milly posting with sobriety intact. The group is rocking.

Isn't it quite the eye opener when you realise that the world doesn't look at alcohol the way we do? That this war we have been waging is mostly in our own heads. The torture we have been putting ourselves through, most people don't have the slightest inkling about what that feels like. Then one day you wake up and realise "oh, that seems quite a bit easier, that's how its supposed to be, ah, ok, cool".

Numblady

Ha. Morning in Asia for untubnt and bedtime for me here in TX. Hope all are well. Awesome posts and thoughts from all. Long day with the early wake up and kind of rough evening with the kiddos so I’m just calling it a day though I wish I had the energy to say a better hello to you awesome people. Sleep tight or have a great day depending on which part of the globe you are on!

PalmerSage

Thanks numblady, glad you checked in! Those kids will get us every time.

PalmerSage

Hi all, checking in on day 80 (I was miscounting my days so I got a bonus, love it when that happens!) I know a lot of people don't believe in counting days, but in addition to my superstition, I like to track things. I was always one of those people who tracked my pregnancies closely: "Your baby is the size of an avocado!" and all that. Now, if I can only get back to tracking my weight and food intake, I'll be good. I actually had a dream last night that I was preparing for plastic surgery, which is NOT something I've ever consciously considered but it's not unheard of in my social circle, either. How do these thoughts pop up out of nowhere?

I really, really, really need to focus on eating healthier today. It's not even the sugar, as much as it is that I'm not eating much besides sweets, which is terrible for both my weight and my mood. I also ran out of vitamin D supplements, so I need to pick up some more. Do any of you have vitamins you recommend? I also take a multivitamin and B12.