02022018

So close....so very close tonight. So many things building so I could barely breathe. Open the refrigerator - darn the husband has no wine in there! By 4pm, I was planning....and negotiating with my inner Beast. I could get the vodka before I pick up my son. No. No. Make good choices. I could get it after I get him home for his music teacher. No. No. Make good choices. But I don't want to make good choices. I just want to breathe again. Stop my mind from spinning. I could get the vodka before I picked up my daughter. No. No. Make good choices. I have to make dinner. I don't want my kids seeing me intoxicated again. I don't want to feel sick tomorrow. I still have plenty of time to get vodka before my husband comes home. Or, he will be gone with my son for 2 hours. I can get it after he leaves. I can just go to my bedroom and drink to oblivion. But....I am not. Right now I am going to get my pajamas on, and get in the bath, and go to bed. I haven't done everything I need to do today - but I definitely know that drinking is not one of the things I need or want to do and I have to stop the Beast from talking me into betraying myself.

RunToRecover

[QUOTE=02022018;6801985 Right now I am going to get my pajamas on, and get in the bath, and go to bed. I haven't done everything I need to do today - but I definitely know that drinking is not one of the things I need or want to do and I have to stop the Beast from talking me into betraying myself.[/QUOTE]

You are so strong. Keep it up!

Also, I'm glad to hear you're planning on doing something to relax. One of the things that appeals to me sometimes, when I'm in that state, is pampering myself a little. Put on one of those facemasks, take a hot bath, have some herbal tea, or even icecream, cookies, I don't care, anything goes as long as it's not wine.
Here's to feeling better once you're rested.

RunToRecover

Small steps are the kind that usually stick... That's what I think, anyway. Be kind to yourself! I hope tomorrow is better.

deniedfish

Hey just wanted to post as my last two were about freaking out over worst case scenario. I got results back from CT Scan and I’m ALL GOOD. They checked Pancreas, Kidneys, Liver and other organs and thank goodness no issues whatsoever! It is such a weight off my back and so helpful to know continuing my journey to recovery. Thanks to everyone who told me to just chill out and stop using Dr. Google to find the worst case illnesses. Promise I will stop that! Hope everyone has had a great start to the week!

RunToRecover

I'm not at all surprised by this, given what you said of your symptoms before.

I am, however, thrilled for you!

deniedfish

Thanks Run!!

wayforward

That's great news, deniedfish. Must be a huge relief to know for sure.

02022018, sounds like you really wrestled with the beast today. But you came out on top. You're giving your sensible attributes positive reinforcement, and denying the AV. It only makes you stronger.

taketwo

Hi all, another quick pop up like a gopher. I'm trucking along. Day 16. I've started to treat my AV like a boggart in Harry Potter as the justifications truly are ridiculous in examination. "Sure would be nice to relax with a few beers! You have fun unwinding on a Friday with beer." "True, but also I'm not someone that generally struggles to relax or have a good time, Boggart. Fully capable of that and without a hangover." Anyway, I have lots of plans for the other side of the February work deadline pile. Almost there. Two more days!

Viperidae

Hi all. I reached out out to my life coach and therapist today. And others. Hopefully they respond quickly. Crap day, but I’m ‘ok’

V

Strawberry18

Day 9 . Get kids of to school then a boxersise class In our village hall. Hoping my goat gives birth today , she is over due now
Health anexity is high . I have a dull ache under lower left ribs! It's very slight but my mild tells me kidney failure g.
Have a great day all

JustTony

Day 6

Finding the “not drinking” bit easy enough at the moment. It’s like I’ve just decided on a course of action (pretty much like when I START drinking) and nothing’s going to stop me. So that part I just don’t think about. Even the AV doesn’t rear his ugly head consciously.

Having said that my subconscious is having a field day because my dreams last night were full of drinking related scenarios. Arguments. Downing that last glass of wine before storming out. Fighting.....

Maybe the AV can’t get in via the front door so he’s trying a different way in? Well try some different scenarios if that’s the case Buster as they weren’t helping your cause.

So maybe I’m misreading it actually? Yeah in fact I am! That’s not my AV that’s my conscious self reaffirming all the reasons not to drink in a dream! Ha! Funny how you can work things out during the time it takes to scribble up a post first thing in the morning.

I do wish this horrible weather, snow, ice, cold etc. would go away though. I just want to go on long walks with my dog and visit the gym more so I can enjoy being healthy as opposed to just not drinking. In truth I could do with a week off in order to just pamper myself and get fitter but work is so pressurised at the moment.

Love to everyone. I mean that. We all suffer with this horrible addiction and we’re all trying so very hard. How can you not reach out to others that - no matter where in the World - are struggling, hoping, fighting, planning, praying, working and counselling inwardly with this miserable curse?

But it does get better. I know that. I tasted it during my 50 days in December and January. I was learning to love myself again and be a better human being all round.

I sometimes wonder if Dee and others used to see my daily posts and think “maybe this one will make it” just to see me crash and burn? Now I wonder if those same people see my daily posts and think “yeah, yeah.... talks a good game but...” Or maybe ACTUALLY that’s what I am thinking? Ha!

Just my stream of consciousness everyone. If you got through all that you deserve a medal.

I will not drink today.

JT

tiredwoman

Don't let cr@ppy colleagues drag you down too much, Red. I know it's easier said than done. Yesterday I had an experience at work that really stressed me out and my instinct was to reach for the bottle. But I am teaching myself to not be so impulsive so I took a few minutes of just sitting in silence and thinking, letting the emotion pass over me before taking action. It helped. I told myself that this particular colleague who stressed me out, was nothing in my life.

Stay strong.

tiredwoman

Day 32 for me. Woke up at 2am to study. The "drink almost every day me" would have never woken up at such a time because either I would be out partying or I would have blacked out and would be asleep. Almost 7am now and gonna sleep for a couple of hours. Booze is the last thing on my mind right now. And that feels very good.

Stay sober all. xx

Dee74

Believe it or not JT I don't like to forecast whether people are gonna make it or not.

Thats not up to me and I can't possibly fully appreciate the battle that someone else is waging

I do really believe that everyone can make it into recovery and stay there, especially if they keep trying...

I do think that the majority of posters who become regulars here - more than 3 months say do tend to make it - maybe not their first go but eventually .

D

JustTony

I believe you 100% Dee. You couldn't possibly keep track of us all anyway. It would be like herding cats!

Remember everyone has an ego - we all like to think we are the epicentre of everyone else's universe.

Of course you're all desperately tracking my posts! Nibbling your nails and awaiting the daily update from JT!

Aren't you? Eh? Eh?

Oh...

Dee74

Oh you might be surprised at how well I keep track

I just meant I'd much rather be expecting people to triumph than expect them to fail

D

Red78

Thank you Tiredwoman..
They say that you become like the 5 closest people around you and my 2 closest colleagues are super bitchy, gossipy, negative and volatile. I sit next to them 40 hours a week and whilst it isn't directed at me, it's like a tornado around me and I am finding their behaviours seeping into me and my mind is becoming more and more negative and bitchy and I am suffering spiritually for it.. I don't want to become like this or undo the years of work I've put into making myself a better person..

Red78

LOL you know it JT!!

Red78

Coming to the end of day 4, much better day today than yesterday however I didn't sleep a lot last night, like the night before as well..
I have not craved a drink at all today and am in the clear for the rest of the night, for this I am thankful.
I have been having many thoughts about myself, my behaviours, my beliefs, where I want to be etc... I have decided that the greatest gift I can give myself right now, apart from being sober, is to learn to communicate effectively and live within my own integrity, obviously this is easier said than done and will take work as it's like modifying ones personality but I think it will be more than worth it...
As I sit here and write this I realise that the feeling of being sober is so refreshing, to have total control of your actions, your thoughts and words without the clouded judgement of intoxication brings a great feeling of freedom, knowing that you will do the things that you wanted instead of the things the alcohol leads you too...
I will enjoy the rest of my evening and the chicken, coconut and ginger soup that my step son has cooked for dinner...
Happy sober Tuesday fellow Febs..

Strawberry18

hahaha I do actually log back on at 9 my time to see what u have posted lol