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Class of October 2014 Part 43

Old 12-15-2017, 11:20 AM
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I agree Suze, Briar's post gave me a grin. . And how dare Jack Frost meddle with one's morning schedule.

Yes, he's to supplement the IOP with AA style meetings. He's been doing a few of those already. A disappointment was a couple nights ago when he reveals that he has never intended to stop drinking/smoking(pot), only to shake the Xanax component. I told him that if he can't give up the prior for a three month period it's indicative of a wider substance abuse problem. He just stares with a set jaw. Then I find angry exasperation welling up in me because of the tremendous resources invested and emotional toll this has/is taking. Anyway, I'm just gonna have to trust that the therapists are on to this type thing or possibly request a private or maybe group conversation. So yes there's hope, but with a generous cloud overhead too. Afraid of more disappointment because I've got nothing left to offer. And we all know it's ultimately up to him anyway.

You're absolutely right too Briar about idle time.....it is a BAD thing for him.

For now though, a late gym session. I've been in quite the funk this week and have not been. A BAD thing for my own stability. So off I go......
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:21 AM
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Oh Suze, unfortunately for the rest of us, he's not letting go of you.

I'm not sure if we ever talked about the critical parent/vulnerable child method. I'm not remembering. It certainly sounds applicable to me, though I believe my main problems from childhood were neglect and trauma. We are working through some really heavy stuff which I'm sure the whole crew doesn't want to hear about, but I'm happy to talk with you about it if you want.
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:35 AM
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Mark, I agree he needs to give up everything. I think it's hard for younger people to understand that you can't pick and choose. When you're an addict, the problem isn't the substance, it's your brain. I'm sure his program covers all the cross-addiction stuff, it's up to him how he applies it. Exposing him to the information he gets in treatment will give him a lot of education to work with. He will figure it out.
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Old 12-15-2017, 11:56 AM
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Absolutely we will talk about it Briar honey....

....and Mark, oh gosh, I don't know what to say. I don't think you want to hear it....sorry. I have to. Why would you support this if he isn't willing to stop drinking etc? You will spend a lot of money, and it could all get so much worse....

I can't say this can I? I am very torn....
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Old 12-15-2017, 01:51 PM
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We only just had this conversation Wednesday night, so still I'm processing things. I'm glad my wife was present for it too, but I guess I've some reasoning to trudge on.

If not a complete turning point, maybe a seed will be planted? A lot of education to work with as Briar said.

I'm not the only parent with an opinion and the truth is my marriage is absolutely feeling the stress of it all. My wife not being an addict, she processes things quite differently than I do. Through this process though I think we are coming closer to being on the same page where he is concerned.

My girls are watching me and I want them to see that I will do all I can for their brother (short of enabling).....realizing that he will have to grab the opportunity for the time I'm willing/able to offer. A time for his personal accountability is certainly looming.

And I guess, too, for my own peace of mind (such as it is) in the event that he relapses I will be able to look him, my wife, my girls and my own reflection in the eye and say in all honesty that I did all I could do within my means. He will own it.

We have ordered drug test kits for accountability. Any hint of using and maybe randomly as well we are gonna test. Any confirmed using results in expulsion from this house (my wife even told him that) as we won't stand for the girls to deal with it.

Once he's invested in the IOP we will have to address a job (for which he'll need his car) so not quite ready for that. But he's gonna have to face some financial reparation. Car is ready and waiting at a relative's place in Dallas.

Barring relapse, I'm guessing the next big reevaluation will be upon completion of IOP. I'm rambling a bit, but it's about the best I can do sometimes. Takes a lot to keep my focus for work.

Anyway, as always I appreciate y'all and the chance to share a bit .
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Old 12-15-2017, 02:00 PM
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Originally Posted by SoberLeigh View Post
Sending lots of love to you and your family, Mark.

Prayers continue.
I would be interested to know, also; I will have to see what a Google search reveals.
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Old 12-15-2017, 02:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Briar View Post
BOOM! Sorry about your tree, Arbor. We have a fake one.

Mark, I hope things go well with your son. IOP is essential, I'm glad he's doing it. Will he be attending AA/LifeRing meetings? My program required it, and despite my mixed feelings, it really helped if for no other reason than to occupy my time when I wasn't in the treatment facility. Full immersion in recovery stuff, three months of total saturation, was what did it for me I think. I really hope treatment will help him.

No snow here. A NorCal white Christmas is a thin layer of frost. Which, of course, to us is unthinkably cold. We're like 40 degrees? This cannot be earth!

Suze, you should come hang out here for the winter

Things are going well here. I just keep moving, putting one foot in front of the other, taking it one thing at a time. Work is good, family is good, house is warm. I've got a touch of a chest cold, but nothing major.

Still working with that therapist, and still like her. I'm getting familiar with her approach and where she's going with it. She really challenges me sometimes, which is exactly what I want, really digging in deep to break the old patterns that screw me up every time. I feel like I'm making more progress with her than I have with prior therapists. She really emphasizes self-compassion and learning how to stop being such a jerk to myself.

And I feel totally secure in my recovery. I have absolutely no desire to drink. None. What a great feeling!

Love to all!
So happy to hear that things are going well with your therapist, Briar. That is fantastic news.
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Old 12-15-2017, 02:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Briar View Post


That East Coast photo is so familiar
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Old 12-15-2017, 02:05 PM
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Originally Posted by venuscat View Post
What a magnificent post my love. (the first one, but the pics are hysterical!!!!!!! :-))

So very glad all is going well with your therapist. That is really good news.
The best therapist/psych I ever had taught me the Critical Parent/Vulnerable Child method....we have talked about that before, haven't we? Anyway, very glad you like her honey.

I'm wondering how Nick will feel if I migrate to Cali for 3 months? Surely he won't miss me....it might be a welcome break for him.....
I think that he would feel negatively to that arrangement
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Old 12-15-2017, 02:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Mark1014 View Post
I agree Suze, Briar's post gave me a grin. . And how dare Jack Frost meddle with one's morning schedule.

Yes, he's to supplement the IOP with AA style meetings. He's been doing a few of those already. A disappointment was a couple nights ago when he reveals that he has never intended to stop drinking/smoking(pot), only to shake the Xanax component. I told him that if he can't give up the prior for a three month period it's indicative of a wider substance abuse problem. He just stares with a set jaw. Then I find angry exasperation welling up in me because of the tremendous resources invested and emotional toll this has/is taking. Anyway, I'm just gonna have to trust that the therapists are on to this type thing or possibly request a private or maybe group conversation. So yes there's hope, but with a generous cloud overhead too. Afraid of more disappointment because I've got nothing left to offer. And we all know it's ultimately up to him anyway.

You're absolutely right too Briar about idle time.....it is a BAD thing for him.

For now though, a late gym session. I've been in quite the funk this week and have not been. A BAD thing for my own stability. So off I go......
Oh, Mark, I am so dismayed to read this.

I strongly suspect that if he shares that intent in IOP or AA, he will be met with strong rebuttals. Of, as is the case with many young people, of the rebuttals come from someone other a parent, they will have a greater impact on his perspective and thought patterns.

Sending you and yours love. ❤️
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Old 12-15-2017, 02:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Mark1014 View Post
We only just had this conversation Wednesday night, so still I'm processing things. I'm glad my wife was present for it too, but I guess I've some reasoning to trudge on.

If not a complete turning point, maybe a seed will be planted? A lot of education to work with as Briar said.

I'm not the only parent with an opinion and the truth is my marriage is absolutely feeling the stress of it all. My wife not being an addict, she processes things quite differently than I do. Through this process though I think we are coming closer to being on the same page where he is concerned.

My girls are watching me and I want them to see that I will do all I can for their brother (short of enabling).....realizing that he will have to grab the opportunity for the time I'm willing/able to offer. A time for his personal accountability is certainly looming.

And I guess, too, for my own peace of mind (such as it is) in the event that he relapses I will be able to look him, my wife, my girls and my own reflection in the eye and say in all honesty that I did all I could do within my means. He will own it.

We have ordered drug test kits for accountability. Any hint of using and maybe randomly as well we are gonna test. Any confirmed using results in expulsion from this house (my wife even told him that) as we won't stand for the girls to deal with it.

Once he's invested in the IOP we will have to address a job (for which he'll need his car) so not quite ready for that. But he's gonna have to face some financial reparation. Car is ready and waiting at a relative's place in Dallas.

Barring relapse, I'm guessing the next big reevaluation will be upon completion of IOP. I'm rambling a bit, but it's about the best I can do sometimes. Takes a lot to keep my focus for work.

Anyway, as always I appreciate y'all and the chance to share a bit .
You didn't ramble at all....

I hear you. You are 100% making him accountable, and you are doing the VERY BEST for your entire family.
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Old 12-15-2017, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by venuscat View Post
You didn't ramble at all....

I hear you. You are 100% making him accountable, and you are doing the VERY BEST for your entire family.
Agreed! Absolutely!
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Old 12-15-2017, 02:21 PM
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Originally Posted by SoberLeigh View Post
Oh, Mark, I am so dismayed to read this.

I strongly suspect that if he shares that intent in IOP or AA, he will be met with strong rebuttals......
Absolutely. My wife quizzed him as to what he thought his therapist at the Ranch would say to that and he said he purposefully didn't tell him. That's why I may investigate the option for a family session at this new place. Or maybe a session for my wife and me with his new therapist. I can't get into the exchanges with him here in my home. It's all too much and is it too much to ask for me to have somewhere I can rest?
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Old 12-15-2017, 02:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Mark1014 View Post
Absolutely. My wife quizzed him as to what he thought his therapist at the Ranch would say to that and he said he purposefully didn't tell him. That's why I may investigate the option for a family session at this new place. Or maybe a session for my wife and me with his new therapist. I can't get into the exchanges with him here in my home. It's all too much and is it too much to ask for me to have somewhere I can rest?
Not too much to ask at all, Mark. You are entitled to a peaceful home.
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Old 12-15-2017, 02:26 PM
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I would definitely ask for a session with your son's therapist love.....hoping that is doable.
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Old 12-15-2017, 02:55 PM
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I agree if you are going to be so involved as to house him and monitor his recovery as you are, you should be able to at least weigh in on the family's concerns with the therapist. The therapist would probably appreciate your input. Addiction therapists understand that their clients tend to leave out certain key details.
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Old 12-15-2017, 02:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Briar View Post
I agree if you are going to be so involved as to house him and monitor his recovery as you are, you should be able to at least weigh in on the family's concerns with the therapist. The therapist would probably appreciate your input. Addiction therapists understand that their clients tend to leave out certain key details.
Agree, also.
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Old 12-15-2017, 03:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Briar View Post
........ clients tend to leave out certain key details.
Gotta say that gave me a needed chuckle Briar!

I'm gonna talk it over with my wife and check into whether it's even a possibility.


Is your Meyer lemon tree still producing? I saw someone on tv that was preserving the rind some way and would use it as a garnish and in salads etc.. I'd never heard of using citrus rind before, other than zest.

Last edited by Mark1014; 12-15-2017 at 03:32 PM. Reason: Edit to say my wife is on board if have the option.
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Old 12-15-2017, 03:35 PM
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I don't know if your wife knows you are here Mark, but if she does....please give our love. s
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Old 12-15-2017, 04:06 PM
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Hi Mark my prayers and best wishes go with you and your family - it must be one of the toughest things to deal with as a a family unit.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

D
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