Class of October 2017 Support Thread pt. 5
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
Hi SoberVictor, love your example, seeing the bar scene from a sober perspective is quite the eye opener! Almost humorous to me at this point.
Great idea to have these group threads and be able to share experiences with others reaching the same time milestones. I apologize in advance for venting and just generally being self-centered with this post but the last week or so has been kind of.. intense for me emotionally. It's great that things are leveling out and I'm realizing these "new normals" are not only possible to sustain but to build upon.. except now I'm having a sort of oh f*** moment because I know that means I need to keep pushing myself. I need to look deeper at how I got here and what I really want from here on out.
Telling myself long term sobriety was possible and worth it was mostly fake it til you make it at first. But now it's really here and it is scary. This isn't a phase or an experiment anymore, I'm now in it for the long haul. It's kind of like that show married at first sight if anyone has watched it.. you don't really know what you're gonna get and mostly what you get is not what you were expecting. But you sill try and give it everything you have during the trial phase. Then the day comes when you have to choose if you're going to stay committed of your own free will knowing all the pros and cons. I'm gladly choosing sobriety but god the weight of that decision is painfully clear right now.
So that's where I'm at, grateful to be here but not loving this loop I've been thrown for.
Great idea to have these group threads and be able to share experiences with others reaching the same time milestones. I apologize in advance for venting and just generally being self-centered with this post but the last week or so has been kind of.. intense for me emotionally. It's great that things are leveling out and I'm realizing these "new normals" are not only possible to sustain but to build upon.. except now I'm having a sort of oh f*** moment because I know that means I need to keep pushing myself. I need to look deeper at how I got here and what I really want from here on out.
Telling myself long term sobriety was possible and worth it was mostly fake it til you make it at first. But now it's really here and it is scary. This isn't a phase or an experiment anymore, I'm now in it for the long haul. It's kind of like that show married at first sight if anyone has watched it.. you don't really know what you're gonna get and mostly what you get is not what you were expecting. But you sill try and give it everything you have during the trial phase. Then the day comes when you have to choose if you're going to stay committed of your own free will knowing all the pros and cons. I'm gladly choosing sobriety but god the weight of that decision is painfully clear right now.
So that's where I'm at, grateful to be here but not loving this loop I've been thrown for.
O-n K-a-r A-r-r-e-s-t
Join Date: May 2016
Location: US
Posts: 600
Welcome Cosima -glad to have you in the family 
SV love love your post. I love hearing about how different, how better things are and can be. My mind is certainly is reprogramming mode. I have passed up buying alcohol multiple times this past week. I just let the thought go as soon as it came or walked a little faster past the huge alcohol aisle or display.
Happy Saturday everyone! I am relaxing with my little cuppa decaf and getting ready to do some computer work while watching LMN
SV love love your post. I love hearing about how different, how better things are and can be. My mind is certainly is reprogramming mode. I have passed up buying alcohol multiple times this past week. I just let the thought go as soon as it came or walked a little faster past the huge alcohol aisle or display.
Happy Saturday everyone! I am relaxing with my little cuppa decaf and getting ready to do some computer work while watching LMN
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 108
Taking it forward from here...
Hey there Bob. Great to hear from you and it was very nice of you to pop back in here to say hello. 70 days is great old pal, I am glad you are doing so well.
Thanks also to Soul & Cosima for the kind comments. I just wanted to pick up on the thrust of Cosimas post and to share something as it’s ringing some very familiar bells for me too.
The reason I was on a train was because my car broke down a couple of hundred miles away and I had to get home without it.
The train was going to get me to a large town 30 miles from where I live. The final leg of my journey was going to be courtesy of Mrs. Victor and our other car, but it left me with an hour to kill.
Luckily the train station is close to a really good gastro-pub, a favourite lunchtime haunt of mine for years. Great place, wonderful food, fantastic craft beers & real ales....my kinda place. In my thoughts, the silver lining on the cloud of my car troubles was going to be an “enforced stay” in one of my favourite places and I was looking forward to it all day....till I got there....!
By the time I got there lunch service had concluded and dinner service didn’t start for another 30 mins, leaving only 30 mins to order & eat which would never be enough and my wife couldn’t delay long enough to join me.
That just left the beer & the ambience and as great as it is, I wasn’t gonna go in & have a beer.
That left the ambiance....and the thoughts of sitting on my own at the bar nursing a bottle of fizzy water for the best part of an hour put paid to that.
It played out like a scene from a dickens story. The poor “have-not” peeps from the snowy winter street, momentarily through the window at the haves, inside in the warmth, all beer, joy and bonhomie. Realising he is no longer one of them, he quietly shuffles off dejected and alone....leaving them behind.
(Ok, forgive the dramatics, done purely for effect...but you get the picture yeah?)
I went down the road to a coffee shop, had a really nice coffee and a good read of a complimentary newspaper and my wife showed up 20 minutes early.
Later, when I was describing it to her, I explained how I had felt. That my commitment to sobriety had made me feel I was really giving up something and I was really missing out on something that was harmless and honest and good.
My very clever wife reminded me of all the great things I have and that I get to do now that I am sober.
Things like remembering in the morning what happens the night before.
Things like the time I get to spend with my family instead of a bunch of other bar flies that I gave the last decade to.
Things like the healing relationship I now have with my kids and that’s not to even mention the health benefits, the extra cash in my pocket, the energy & clarity of thought I have regained, all of this and more...
My clever wife reminded me that these are all the things I get now in return for not going in there and supping that beer and you know what? That’s a great deal.
I’m up on that deal all day long. It’s a deal worth keeping.
When I first read about AVRT, with which I credit BiminiBlue (a member here) I learned that I must recognise my addictive voice in all its forms.
I learned that one of its forms is “any thought or action that supports the idea of drinking either now or at any future time”
I also learned to say and really mean the following statement;
“I will never drink again and I will never change my mind.”
The feeling I had last Friday that I was missing out was a thought that supported the notion of possibility drinking at some future time. So.... I needed to recognise and acknowledge that thought, and then completely reject it.
As Cosima explains, it’s a big and scary thought to accept the finality of the never drink/never change mind statement.
Instead, i try to take strength from it.
It is such a powerful and absolute statement that saying it becomes empowering and absolute.
I hope you will forgive such a long post. I hope too that it will help someone to manage better those scary thoughts of finality and maybe even to take strength from them.
Keep well.
Victor
Thanks also to Soul & Cosima for the kind comments. I just wanted to pick up on the thrust of Cosimas post and to share something as it’s ringing some very familiar bells for me too.
The reason I was on a train was because my car broke down a couple of hundred miles away and I had to get home without it.
The train was going to get me to a large town 30 miles from where I live. The final leg of my journey was going to be courtesy of Mrs. Victor and our other car, but it left me with an hour to kill.
Luckily the train station is close to a really good gastro-pub, a favourite lunchtime haunt of mine for years. Great place, wonderful food, fantastic craft beers & real ales....my kinda place. In my thoughts, the silver lining on the cloud of my car troubles was going to be an “enforced stay” in one of my favourite places and I was looking forward to it all day....till I got there....!
By the time I got there lunch service had concluded and dinner service didn’t start for another 30 mins, leaving only 30 mins to order & eat which would never be enough and my wife couldn’t delay long enough to join me.
That just left the beer & the ambience and as great as it is, I wasn’t gonna go in & have a beer.
That left the ambiance....and the thoughts of sitting on my own at the bar nursing a bottle of fizzy water for the best part of an hour put paid to that.
It played out like a scene from a dickens story. The poor “have-not” peeps from the snowy winter street, momentarily through the window at the haves, inside in the warmth, all beer, joy and bonhomie. Realising he is no longer one of them, he quietly shuffles off dejected and alone....leaving them behind.
(Ok, forgive the dramatics, done purely for effect...but you get the picture yeah?)
I went down the road to a coffee shop, had a really nice coffee and a good read of a complimentary newspaper and my wife showed up 20 minutes early.
Later, when I was describing it to her, I explained how I had felt. That my commitment to sobriety had made me feel I was really giving up something and I was really missing out on something that was harmless and honest and good.
My very clever wife reminded me of all the great things I have and that I get to do now that I am sober.
Things like remembering in the morning what happens the night before.
Things like the time I get to spend with my family instead of a bunch of other bar flies that I gave the last decade to.
Things like the healing relationship I now have with my kids and that’s not to even mention the health benefits, the extra cash in my pocket, the energy & clarity of thought I have regained, all of this and more...
My clever wife reminded me that these are all the things I get now in return for not going in there and supping that beer and you know what? That’s a great deal.
I’m up on that deal all day long. It’s a deal worth keeping.
When I first read about AVRT, with which I credit BiminiBlue (a member here) I learned that I must recognise my addictive voice in all its forms.
I learned that one of its forms is “any thought or action that supports the idea of drinking either now or at any future time”
I also learned to say and really mean the following statement;
“I will never drink again and I will never change my mind.”
The feeling I had last Friday that I was missing out was a thought that supported the notion of possibility drinking at some future time. So.... I needed to recognise and acknowledge that thought, and then completely reject it.
As Cosima explains, it’s a big and scary thought to accept the finality of the never drink/never change mind statement.
Instead, i try to take strength from it.
It is such a powerful and absolute statement that saying it becomes empowering and absolute.
I hope you will forgive such a long post. I hope too that it will help someone to manage better those scary thoughts of finality and maybe even to take strength from them.
Keep well.
Victor
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 253
I was lucky Victor in that my drinking never involved anything outside the home apart from the occasional night out with friends I would have. It is nice now though when I do go out because I'm always the driver and it's so nice not to have to mess about with taxi's. I did notice when I was away last weekend the amount of people who have an alcoholic drink with a meal is huge - it was nearly everyone in the restaurant.
So my partner got the news on Friday that we had been waiting for that yet again he is being made redundant as of today. This is the 4th time in a row and the last one was horrendous it took him so long to find something else. I learnt last time that the only way to not get too worked up was to just take each day as it comes. Pretty much like not drinking.
Having said that I had a lovely day yesterday, it was mothers day here and my OH for a change got me a really thoughtful gift. I had a lovely run in the morning and my mum and dad came round for lunch which they haven't done in ages. Just need to focus on work now and try and earn some money.
Oh and I started a new diet last week. The food has been really nice and it's flexible so I can fit it round my life. I didn't want to "diet" again really but I've put so much weight on the last couple of months I need to focus on something. I hope I lose weight with it because I am enjoying the meals. It's a bit time consuming cooking everything from fresh but I do prefer meals like that.
Hello Cosima - nice to see a new member
So my partner got the news on Friday that we had been waiting for that yet again he is being made redundant as of today. This is the 4th time in a row and the last one was horrendous it took him so long to find something else. I learnt last time that the only way to not get too worked up was to just take each day as it comes. Pretty much like not drinking.
Having said that I had a lovely day yesterday, it was mothers day here and my OH for a change got me a really thoughtful gift. I had a lovely run in the morning and my mum and dad came round for lunch which they haven't done in ages. Just need to focus on work now and try and earn some money.
Oh and I started a new diet last week. The food has been really nice and it's flexible so I can fit it round my life. I didn't want to "diet" again really but I've put so much weight on the last couple of months I need to focus on something. I hope I lose weight with it because I am enjoying the meals. It's a bit time consuming cooking everything from fresh but I do prefer meals like that.
Hello Cosima - nice to see a new member
O-n K-a-r A-r-r-e-s-t
Join Date: May 2016
Location: US
Posts: 600
I hope you will forgive such a long post. I hope too that it will help someone to manage better those scary thoughts of finality and maybe even to take strength from them.
Hugs to charlie - God love ya. Glad you are keeping the mind in a good place. I'm sending good vibes and prayers it all works out good.
badge - hope you are doing well and everyone else too ♥Also prayers and good vibes for my buddy ready45
♥
O-n K-a-r A-r-r-e-s-t
Join Date: May 2016
Location: US
Posts: 600
I always blamed beer for me being fat.. well I'm not drinking, I'm still fat. ha. I am still wanting to eat all the time. It's going on 5 months sober. I guess I am still comforting myself. I will be a nervous nelly til I get past the interlock I guess. Oh well. At least I have moments where I do eat good and I do attempt exercise (let's not even go there with pathetic descriptions).
Watching LivePD. They just had a drunk driving lady on there and were being all judgmental about it. That doesn't help hearing about how ppl look down on you. Oh well. I was the typical I only had two person too. Ridiculous thinking back on it. I was all honest (besides that) with the officer so he wasn't an a** to me except for what he had to do. Hoping you guys are doing good. I try to check in here and there. I know life has been going on for me, as I figure for everyone else too. If you are doing good, good for you - if you are slipsliding, know my heart goes out to you. Try to not drink so much or try again to get back on the sober train. We are all with you.... no judgmental thinking from me for sure.
Watching LivePD. They just had a drunk driving lady on there and were being all judgmental about it. That doesn't help hearing about how ppl look down on you. Oh well. I was the typical I only had two person too. Ridiculous thinking back on it. I was all honest (besides that) with the officer so he wasn't an a** to me except for what he had to do. Hoping you guys are doing good. I try to check in here and there. I know life has been going on for me, as I figure for everyone else too. If you are doing good, good for you - if you are slipsliding, know my heart goes out to you. Try to not drink so much or try again to get back on the sober train. We are all with you.... no judgmental thinking from me for sure.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Anywhere USA
Posts: 2,097
Hi Soul- love live PD. I also have a difficult time with the drunk driving segments my feelings of guilt and shame are not as overwhelming as they were, but still there. I do not avoid the topic as much when talking with husband like I did before, but the embarressment is still here with me.
Congrats on the 5 months!!
badge
Congrats on the 5 months!!
badge
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 504
Congrats Soul!
And good thoughts to those who are dieting and trying to lose weight.
I hope everyone had a safe and sober weekend.
Austin, Texas has been being bombed lately. It's scary to think it can happen anywhere here in the city. Last night they set trip-wired bombs in southeast Austin. Very close.
I'm still dealing with sobriety in a hard way. Went on several interviews...and nothing came of them. Also walked out of 2 interviews. I'm not sure, but I think that my subconscious is telling me, "don't get a job until you have figured this sober thing out". ?? I can take 3 months off work to hunker down and work on me...and all the stuff I've dealt with all alone with no family support or friends here in Texas. What are your thoughts on taking 3 months off? No interviews. No thinking about not ever landing a job (one of my fears). I'm also afraid if I do get a job now, I will start drinking on the job again. UGH. I'm all over the board.
And good thoughts to those who are dieting and trying to lose weight.
I hope everyone had a safe and sober weekend.
Austin, Texas has been being bombed lately. It's scary to think it can happen anywhere here in the city. Last night they set trip-wired bombs in southeast Austin. Very close.
I'm still dealing with sobriety in a hard way. Went on several interviews...and nothing came of them. Also walked out of 2 interviews. I'm not sure, but I think that my subconscious is telling me, "don't get a job until you have figured this sober thing out". ?? I can take 3 months off work to hunker down and work on me...and all the stuff I've dealt with all alone with no family support or friends here in Texas. What are your thoughts on taking 3 months off? No interviews. No thinking about not ever landing a job (one of my fears). I'm also afraid if I do get a job now, I will start drinking on the job again. UGH. I'm all over the board.
O-n K-a-r A-r-r-e-s-t
Join Date: May 2016
Location: US
Posts: 600
Lulu I would say go for it but have a tightly structured plan of what you are going to work on every day just so you don't end up doing nothing and before you know it, it is all over with. I would also do x amount of hours (like one to three, one day per week) to keep up with the job search. Then it would probably be easier to let it go and be able to enjoy the rest of the time not thinking about it. Hang tight - and God bless. Thinking of you and the crazy nation we are living in right now. My self-induced hobbit (hermit) lifestyle is not looking so bad right now - Always tucked safe inside my house.
Thanks badge.... yeah I guess I will always have this bit of conscious that bothers me about stuff like that forever....oh well. And I am sure it will fade a bit too and not be such an open wound.
Big hugs to everyone - so glad to see people checking in!!
Thanks badge.... yeah I guess I will always have this bit of conscious that bothers me about stuff like that forever....oh well. And I am sure it will fade a bit too and not be such an open wound.
Big hugs to everyone - so glad to see people checking in!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 108
Howdy
Hi guys!
It’s been ages since I counted so I had to check it out on the web just now to see how many days I’ve been sober.
Answer = 153
On the one hand it seems a lot.
On the other, not much at all.
Some things from my new sober life feel now like they’ve been this way almost for ever. Some memories from my drunk life feel like they were only yesterday.
In that book from a few years ago “the Gift” the message was that if you focus on something you want (love, wealth, success, achievement etc) you set up positive neural pathways in your mind that create the conditions required for you to realise these dreams. Every waking moment you are working towards achieving your desired status.
Every day you take a thousand micro steps towards your goal. Everything you do, regardless of how directly relevant to your goals it is, becomes another vehicle to get you closer to what you’re looking for.
You get what you focus on.
I realise now that when I was drinking, everything I did was focused on getting my next drink.
If I was playing with my kids I was working towards getting a drink, visiting friends, same thing... working on a project, ..ditto...”
I was focused on beer.
So that’s what I got
I’m noticing these days that I’m much more present and in the now than when I was drinking. Because I’m not preoccupied with getting my next beer, there are no ulterior motives,
I am more fully engaging in whatever I’m doing as I do it.
This is bringing a new richness to my experiences or at least allowing an old level of richness to re-emerge after so many years of only being partly present.
When I was a drinker I was a partial bystander in much of my own life.
Imagine that!
Life is short and time is precious and we owe it to ourselves to live each minute of it.
And we owe it to our family and friends, colleagues and neighbors to be honest and interested and genuinely present in our dealings with them.
I wasn’t doing that.
I wasn’t paying enough attention.
I wasn’t being honourable in my actions.
I wasn’t being honest with my time.
I wasn’t being faithful in my relationships.
Alcohol was like a mistress that was causing me to persistently sell short all the other areas of my life just so I could spend time with her.
And it is a very greedy lover.
Alcohol steals so much more from you too.
Every day sober is a day taken back.
Days build into weeks and each week makes you stronger.
I’m reclaiming my life right now.
I’m getting stronger.
I’m rebuilding the relationships that I neglected.
I’m paying back.
Im tasting life more thoroughly than I have for years, and you know what...it’s just as sweet as I remembered.
Have a great weekend, one and all.
Victor
It’s been ages since I counted so I had to check it out on the web just now to see how many days I’ve been sober.
Answer = 153
On the one hand it seems a lot.
On the other, not much at all.
Some things from my new sober life feel now like they’ve been this way almost for ever. Some memories from my drunk life feel like they were only yesterday.
In that book from a few years ago “the Gift” the message was that if you focus on something you want (love, wealth, success, achievement etc) you set up positive neural pathways in your mind that create the conditions required for you to realise these dreams. Every waking moment you are working towards achieving your desired status.
Every day you take a thousand micro steps towards your goal. Everything you do, regardless of how directly relevant to your goals it is, becomes another vehicle to get you closer to what you’re looking for.
You get what you focus on.
I realise now that when I was drinking, everything I did was focused on getting my next drink.
If I was playing with my kids I was working towards getting a drink, visiting friends, same thing... working on a project, ..ditto...”
I was focused on beer.
So that’s what I got
I’m noticing these days that I’m much more present and in the now than when I was drinking. Because I’m not preoccupied with getting my next beer, there are no ulterior motives,
I am more fully engaging in whatever I’m doing as I do it.
This is bringing a new richness to my experiences or at least allowing an old level of richness to re-emerge after so many years of only being partly present.
When I was a drinker I was a partial bystander in much of my own life.
Imagine that!
Life is short and time is precious and we owe it to ourselves to live each minute of it.
And we owe it to our family and friends, colleagues and neighbors to be honest and interested and genuinely present in our dealings with them.
I wasn’t doing that.
I wasn’t paying enough attention.
I wasn’t being honourable in my actions.
I wasn’t being honest with my time.
I wasn’t being faithful in my relationships.
Alcohol was like a mistress that was causing me to persistently sell short all the other areas of my life just so I could spend time with her.
And it is a very greedy lover.
Alcohol steals so much more from you too.
Every day sober is a day taken back.
Days build into weeks and each week makes you stronger.
I’m reclaiming my life right now.
I’m getting stronger.
I’m rebuilding the relationships that I neglected.
I’m paying back.
Im tasting life more thoroughly than I have for years, and you know what...it’s just as sweet as I remembered.
Have a great weekend, one and all.
Victor
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Anywhere USA
Posts: 2,097
Hello all! I hope that the quiet that has befallen this thread means that everyone is doing well and enjoying a sober life!
All is well around my house, loving the spring weather. My flower beds are actually blooming and looking fairly decent. Which is a miracle considering that when I planted the bulbs last fall I did so with a glass or two of wine. I can remember trying to make sure that the bulbs were spaced and that the colors were dispersed correctly. As they are blooming I can tell when the wine started to kick in as there are holes in some places, clumps of flowers in others. It is only obvious to me but a good reminder non the less.
I am allowing myself 2 more days to continue with the slothful and trash eating ways I have fallen into. April 1st I am back to better eating and exercising. Dragging out my ninja blender making smoothies, drinking Sun Tea till I slosh when I walk, the hole bit.
Take care everyone, check in when you can!
Badge
All is well around my house, loving the spring weather. My flower beds are actually blooming and looking fairly decent. Which is a miracle considering that when I planted the bulbs last fall I did so with a glass or two of wine. I can remember trying to make sure that the bulbs were spaced and that the colors were dispersed correctly. As they are blooming I can tell when the wine started to kick in as there are holes in some places, clumps of flowers in others. It is only obvious to me but a good reminder non the less.
I am allowing myself 2 more days to continue with the slothful and trash eating ways I have fallen into. April 1st I am back to better eating and exercising. Dragging out my ninja blender making smoothies, drinking Sun Tea till I slosh when I walk, the hole bit.
Take care everyone, check in when you can!
Badge
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 108
Tell tales
Hey Badge, good to hear from you and yes, like you I hope the quiet times round here are indicative of happy sober classmates.
I really liked the image of your flower beds betraying the fact that the wine having a hand in the design. It’s a good and timely reminder of who & where you were last year before you succeeded in shaking that life off.
We all know how dangerous it is to forget and your irregular little patterns or sequences of flowers will always remind you.
Don’t be so hard on yourself regarding your recent diet. If it was what you needed to win this particular battle it was worth it.
I’m a recent convert to the idea that sugar and not fat is the true enemy.
I wish you luck.
You have proven yourself a very determined woman so you know you have within you the strength to drop that weight.
Keep well, one and all.
V
I really liked the image of your flower beds betraying the fact that the wine having a hand in the design. It’s a good and timely reminder of who & where you were last year before you succeeded in shaking that life off.
We all know how dangerous it is to forget and your irregular little patterns or sequences of flowers will always remind you.
Don’t be so hard on yourself regarding your recent diet. If it was what you needed to win this particular battle it was worth it.
I’m a recent convert to the idea that sugar and not fat is the true enemy.
I wish you luck.
You have proven yourself a very determined woman so you know you have within you the strength to drop that weight.
Keep well, one and all.
V
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 108
Easter
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Happy Easter guys
D
D
I too would like to wish everyone a very happy Easter.
Although raised Catholic, I’m not an overly religious person. Most of us I’m sure though, understand the message and significance of the story of Easter.
It has resonance for each of us in our journey or indeed our transformation into sobriety.
As Jesus’ earthly, human & fallible body was put to death his heavenly self rose from the dead. Today we might playfully say it was a “new & improved” version, just as we are emerging as better and improved versions of ourselves in this, our sobriety.
Remember too, Jesus fell 3 times and accepted the help and support of strangers and loved ones, in order to get up and keep going.
I hope you all enjoy the sweet taste of chocolate today as an acknowledgement of your achievements on this journey to sobriety.
Victor
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