SeanFox87

I seem to crave the evil stuff after I've done something positive for some reason, if I feel like a functioning member of society I feel as though I can do it in moderation. It's so frustrating, I'm hoping my brain re-trains to learn that I'm feeling good because I'm not drinking. I'm sure this feeling will pass.

Time2Rise

Hello November. Checking in on Day 6. It's just about Noon here in my part of the world and the day is cool but sunny. That being the case, I have no excuses for not cutting my grass and mulching all the fallen leaves for one last time this year. But getting outside and moving around will be good for me, so I plan to just enjoy it.

Make the best of your day everyone.

Stevie1979

Really loved reading this! Thank you so much for sharing. It's posts like these that remind me of why I will not drink.

Day 13 here. Going okay despite the anxiety. Trying to get myself up to go to a meeting since I've been too panicky feeling to go for over a week.

Strugglingtoget

Boy, do I identify with that. My mind has been deluded into thinking alcohol is a "reward" for being "good". In fact, it is the ultimate punishment: it is totally destructive off my body, my moods, my sleep, my marriage, etc. Somehow my brain was trained to believe the very opposite of the truth. If I have done something virtuous, I deserve a reward of some kind --not the punishment heaped on me by alcohol! Like you, I am working to retrain my brain.

JJ991

End of the day here, hot chocolate then bed.

Had this conversation with my AV earlier:

AV - wouldn't it be lovely to have a glass of wine after such a long day?
Me - hmmmmmm...
AV - just think of your favourite chilled white, that first glass would be amazing
Me - the first glass after a stint off alcohol tastes like, well, alcohol. It isn't actually very nice
AV - spoilsport!

Night all!

Strugglingtoget

Late evening in USA! Made it to 8 days sober! Yeah! Victory!
No big challenges today—had no desire to go out drinking, which is my usual MO at this point. Grateful I recognize how disgusting alcohol is for me—a toxic poison that causes cancer, damages my brain, etc. Grateful for 2 AA meetings today! Grateful I did not drink and will not be hungover!
Congrats to all those here who also tried today!

LiveLikeGold6

Day 10 ending. I can relate to many of your posts. Even though i dont always respond individually i do read most of them. The mood swings, anxiety, weight gain, sleep issues, etc. At present im sleeping pretty well. I had a couple weeks of horrendous sleep and couldnt keep any appointments. My heart goes out to those suffering.

My mood is optimistic. I no longer want to play the game of oh i can have just a few. Im really ready to make this a lifelong change. I had my psych appt today and i feel like she got me. She prescribed me antabuse and an anxiety med and said i must get in a program of recovery, suggesting aa, smart, and refuge recovery. Im willing to try all 3 n see what happens. She also understood that i used binge drinking every other weekend as a social outlet and suggested i find other outlets such as a hiking group, moms group etc, and use the anxiety med as needed to manage my social anxiety, max 1-2x a week. She said i can take the antabuse only on my trigger days, every other weekend, as the drug is immediate. Well meet back in a month to see how everythings going and make any needed adjustments.

SeanFox87

Day 11

Miserable day in England. I'm going to look after my brothers dog this afternoon which is always fun.

JJ991

Yep, miserable isn't it?! Hope you don't get rained on walking the dog!!

How is day 11 feeling?

Strugglingtoget

Good morning from USA east coast! Grateful that I woke up from a good night’s sleep that was not disrupted by the poison known as alcohol! As a result, I feel much better—in a better mood, more clarity and better rested! Grateful for now having 8.5 days without the carcinogenic toxin I used to drink all the time! Grateful I am not ashamed of anything I did while drinking and am not dehydrated with a headache! Grateful I did not waste time and money drinking yesterday. Grateful that I went to the doctor yesterday and my blood pressure was back in normal range! Grateful I did not trigger another AFIB episode. Grateful I did not damage my brain, heart, liver and esophagus. Grateful I have more energy and clarity. Grateful I went to 2 AA meetings and shared yesterday! Grateful for this site and all my fellow travelers. Proud to be on this journey with you and wishing you all success in sobriety today!

bluedog97

Good morning. Day 7 here. Finally beginning to feel rested. I’ve read alcohol disrupts your sleep so getting a week of healthy sleep works wonders. Feeling “better” has been an excuse to drink again in the past, but I don’t feel any urges so far. My last trip out was exhausting.

Thanksgiving tomorrow. But I think I’ll focus on today first.

Linners820

Struggling here today. I gave into the AV yesterday, again. Wasted the whole day drinking. I've been making it to 4 days, sometimes 5 when I crack. Willpower has never been a strong suit of mine...The memories of how awful I feel the next day go out the window, and I tell myself it'll just be a couple but I'm realizing now thats very rarely the case. I've been relating to so much in this class that others have said, so I'm glad to be part of it.
Right now, as I sit here anxious, shaky and feeling defeated, all I want is to fast forward to 4 days from now so I can kick day 4's butt, and then day 5, etc. I wish I could do yesterday over. I'm going to keep on keeping on, though, I have to.

SeanFox87

Thanks JJ, I managed to avoid the rain but there's been some power cuts now haha. I'm feeling ok I guess, I find the evenings most difficult but I've been getting through them so far.

Strugglingtoget

Glad you are back with us Linners 820. I have had similar issues for years: get 4-5 days sober; then feel pretty decent and my damaged brain starts thinking “well, this time I will just have a few—this time, I will stop at (2?3?4?5?). And then, when I start drinking, I tell myself that I have very great tolerance, so I “can have” say, 4 and be ok. When I’ve had 4 or so, then I’m invincible and I can just drink cause I am so swell! Of course, I’m actually just drunk and done it yet again!! My brain is really deluded by alcohol and my desire to “drink normally”. The truth has been revealed to me for 50 years: I cannot drink moderately. I do not want to drink moderately, really. I drink alcoholicly and destroy my body and my life. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and thinking the results will differ! Thus, I am truly insane when it comes to alcohol! I so relate to your struggles and all I know is I must keep trying—my very life is dependent on me not continuing to drink the poison carcinogen known as alcohol. Whatever it is for others, for me it is my mortal enemy!! I have seen so many who have overcome this. I know that you and I can do this! One day at a time!!!

JJ991

Bloody miserable here seanfox, dark, windy & wet. Definitely a night to stay in with a lovely hot chocolate!

Oh I'm sorry linners. You're right, you've got to keep trying. What did the AV say to convince you??

1ove1ife

Brand spankn' new to this group. 10 days and i feel great. I know i wont always but i think this group might be what gets me through.

JJ991

Welcome to the group! Well done on 10 days!

Linners820

JJ, pretty much exactly what Struggling detailed above. And "oh, you've made it a few days, a couple won't hurt, it'll help you relax so you can get more done"...It USED to help me relax, but now it's pretty clear that I'm just not stopping at a couple and I wake up the next day feeling terrible vowing never to do that again. It's just mental escape that I got in the habit of doing and now I fall down the rabbit hole each time I swear I won't.

I'm an at-home binge drinker. I don't have issues like this with drinking in a social setting; I can either take it or leave it and when I do take it, I don't drink to excess. Two drinks max when out to dinner with friends, and I don't find myself wanting more either. I went out a few days ago for a friend's bday and didn't have the desire to drink at all, so I didn't. At home, in my own surroundings it's easy to lose context and drink entirely too much, and I'm sick of it. Loneliness seems to be a big trigger.

I've made a long list of reasons why this needs to stop so I can be more vigilant. All the negatives, including a detailed description of just how crappy I feel the day after. I'm grateful for your support, everyone.

JJ991

Linners, I understand, I did my drinking at home too.

Sounds like you have a plan, glad you're starting again & not giving up.

Sneaky AV....

wiseheart

Linners, I am just glad that you are still with us. I know it is frustrating. I have been fighting the AV beast as well. Life seems so flat right now. I have very little energy/ enthusiasm for anything.

Drinking was mostly a social thing for me in the beginning but like you, it turned into secret drinking at home. I would have 0-2 drinks at dinner with friends (to show my "restraint") and then pick up a bottle of wine on my way home to finish the evening. That was on a good night.

I also use lists. In preparing to quit, I made several different ones including all the bad memories of what I did while drinking and how I felt after. When the AV strikes, I roll through some of those memories in my mind and like the old timers say, "play the the tape through." It's not pretty. And I come here and read as much as I can.

At least you now know that Days 4-5 are a major hurdle. Post as much as you need on those days. We will be here for you. I am just glad you are here. I am sending you a big hug