Sunflower84

Hey Everyone

It's 7:25 am here... and I'm now on Day 38.

I'm sorry I've been so quiet, I'm feeling really good so all's ok it's just I'm so busy. My work kinda dies down just before, during and just after Xmas so I have around 3 weeks of nothing, no work / earning so I'm getting as much done as I can now while I can. Sober, Organised and LOVING IT!!!!

I'm managing not drinking ok but I will be honest I am at that point where I'm convinced If I get to 3 months dry then allow myself one drink a month for three months then once a week after that I'll be ok, I cant accept now that I cant break the binging cycle but I know this is dangerous territory so we shall see what happens...

I haven't had chance to read back over what I've missed but I will as soon as I have time... Hope you are all ok, sending you all a big hug, strength and peace!

You'll all be sick of me when my work dies down as I'll probs be never off here!!!! lol

I'll chk in again soon.

Thinking of you all.

K x

SoulShine8

I am at that point where I'm convinced If I get to 3 months dry then allow myself one drink a month for three months then once a week after that I'll be ok,
Thanks for being honest. I know for a fact that I will do this. I have done it before many times, making bargains with myself. I have failed every single time. I cannot drink like supposedly "regular people". I don't think most of them are doing that great either but they don't recognize it. Also they don't make their irregular drinking the focus of their life or a frequently occurring event like I have tended to do.

ChloeRose63

Good Morning Class. Glad to see everyone and that all is well. Have a great weekend!

Getbetter72

Soul: That's right, Soul. We have to hate that old us. That horrible past that we created by our mistakes. And all of the pain and suffering we caused ourselves and others was because of a stupid liquid in a bottle or can. How dumb we were!
Forgiving yourself for all of that mess is critical to move forward because without forgiveness there is only lingering guilt. I define forgiveness as choosing to remove the pain from the memory. We can't ever forget, that's simply impossible but we can disassociate the pain from the memory.
Kit: Please don't buy into the lie. We as alcoholics cannot drink just once a month or even once a year. One drink and BOOM, we're back at the bottom. Please don't do it, you've learned the hard way before that we can't do that with any degree of success. You said "but I know this is dangerous territory so we shall see what happens..." but you know what will happen if you pick up a drink again. Have power and confidence. Use the strength you know you have.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

charliesworld

Wow well done Chloe - 50 days is amazing!

Viperidae

I may as well get this over with first thing. I went off the wagon last night after a 7 hour wait at that office and drinking a bunch of coffe. The ordeal was over and I was sweating like pig from the coffee. Zooming. I cut it short, it wasn’t an all nighter but it was not good either. Dunno how many I had. I think 4. I woke at 7:50am and am getting some oatmeal and sausage at WF. I wanted a month before Florida. I’ll maybe have 2 weeks now.

Im disappointed. I was really going strong. My anxiety about my sick friend is off the charts.

V

Getbetter72

Viper, don't beat yourself up too much about it. You had a fall. We all have had falls. It sounds like you need an alternative emergency plan to execute when you find yourself in a predicament that may lead you to drink. A strong plan well executed will triumph every time. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go at it again. You WILL beat the demon alcohol! You must have faith in yourself. Persevere through the dark and difficult times. You WILL do it!
About your sick friend, I still say you shouldn't ignore the issue but I've said that before. I truly believe you will regret and experience intense guilt for not reaching out. Your anxiety about the situation is already starting and I'm telling you it will get worse and it will trigger strong urges to drink. Please understand I'm not trying to beat you up but I've been there and done that. It makes me sick to this very day. You must do what you believe to be right but please consider my advice.

SoulShine8

viper - I'm glad you immediately came back. There is strength in that. I stated what I thought about the friend before (you are priority at the moment). But. This seems to be something that is really bothering you. I can tell you feel guilty. How deeply have you thought into the subject? (And please I don't mean to offend) Why do you think you feel so guilty about this? Do you feel that since she doesn't have anyone else that you are obligated to be there? From what I am catching she has been using you (and I don't mean that in a negative light) as her rock for quite some time due to this reason. What are you getting out of it? Do you like feeling like the hero? or better than? or that you are capable of taking care of things where another isn't? or you like having someone need you? (Several of my ex-boyfriends just entered stage cos I have been there for a various assortment of these reasons before - it's human nature at times). Do you feel that God or karma or whatever may get you back if you don't help? Or is this person just your friend and you just miss her period.
The reason why I was saying you need to help yourself more than her was because of some things that you said that seemed like she was just stressing you to the point of giving up and drinking. I know you deserve sobriety. I just felt she was overwhelming you when you are having enough of a tough time without her stress too. It's up to you to decide what to do in this situation. Maybe you could reach a compromise that would benefit you both - set down some boundaries. I fully support you any way you go and I am fully supporting your sobriety too.
You had a rough day yesterday. You drank. Lots more rough days ahead in your lifetime but also a bunch of good too. Take yesterday as a strengthening day that it was. You drank, you stopped and you came back in..... I'm glad - no side looks, no downward thoughts to or about you, no holding back on opening up the door of the October house - or taking back your key

BrightenMeUp

G'day mates.. Thats my best Australian greeting

Checkin in on day 46.

Tried hiking this morning, got about a half hour into it and got rained out. Figures right ?

Just finished a good workout tho, felt good. A.V. is talking but im trying my best not to listen.

For those having it rough and going thru tough times, try not to beat yourself up too much. Today and tomorrow are new days. Also congrats to those hitting some good sober days.

Sending positive thoughts out to you all!!!

Brighten

biminiblue

Sounds like quite a bit of rationalizing going on in here.

There is no time in the future that I will be able to have a drink again - and really, what's the point in one drink a month or one a week? That's not the way I wanted to drink. I drank for the buzz. Full stop. Yeah, it was a bit of a medication and a bit of trying to shut down an over-active brain, or a celebration or whatever, but I never - not from Day First Drink - ever drank one. What is the point in that?

I hope all this talk of and experimenting with drinking doesn't send any of you back to the place that brought you to this thread/this website.

I'll never go back. I accept that it's over. Oh, did I mention my 18 years sobriety? Over with one drink at just the right time. I even drank moderately for a while after that...well, mostly. Thing is, I can't count on that. My own well-vetted experience tells me I cannot predict accurately just how many drinks I will take on any given day.

Took seven years to get back here, and the last year was pure misery. I'm now nearly four years sober. Hard-won, and non-negotiable. You know what I never said in those 18 years? "I'll never drink again."

I say it and mean it now.

SoberLeigh

This - all of this. Very, very wise words here.

Drinking is totally and permanently off the table for me FOREVER.

I tried to moderate, to be a "normie" for many years. Every single effort was unsuccessful.

Over the years that I have been here (not quite four, but almost six years sober), I have seen so many threads from members saying goodbye to SR as they had successfully had a drink or two and thought that they could now moderate. Many, many came back with tales of drinking habits even worse than they originally came to SR. I truly worry about those who did not return.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and the slide down the slippery can be devastatingly fast with insidious consequences.

Maybe give Kindling a search here or on a Google. The reads are well worth the time.

Embrace sobriety and recovery and give it all you have. You will never regret it.

I adore sobriety. It us one of my most cherished possessions.

Sobriety

Rocks

charliesworld

Hi

Sorry I've not checked in for a while. I'm still trying to pull myself out of this slump. Nothing seems to be helping. I wonder if I suffer from SAD? I do try and get outside though every day. Spent most of today watching rubbish TV in bed. First time I've let myself do that and now it's night time I'm feeling a little better. I don't know why I'm feeling so anxious and really cant be bothered mode. I've literally done no work this week - although I have sorted the kids bedroom out which was a big job.

Viper - don't beat yourself up too much but you need to deal with this situation with your friend. I agree with Soul. You need to set some boundaries - then you are both clear where you stand and hopefully she will stop putting so much pressure on you.

Kit - nice that you are busy. Bimini made some good points. What is the point of one drink once a week/month. There is no point. You will end up back where you left off and it will happen quickly. It's like a learned behaviour.

I've been a bit worried about a do I've got to go to the night before Christmas Eve. It will be a boozy one and I didn't know how I was going to get out of drinking without it looking a bit weird. Occurred to me today, I can just say there is no way I'm having a hangover on Christmas Eve because I want to do stuff with my kids. Phew!

LuluBread

I'm coming out of the really bad flu...I have been in bed trying to sleep it off since Tuesday afternoon. Horrible bug I caught. I'll be back once this dizziness is better. Hope you all are well. Sorry haven't read here since Wednesday. Have a nice weekend.

Viperidae

The pain about my friend set I in with the anxiety attack caused by drinking. I’m really not getting anything out of it like I’m the hero, although previously that was probably true. It’s more that I’m the only one. I watched the sweetest, cutest, young woman I e ever known decline to not being able to get out of bad. Suffering in the extreme and no services out there to help. She doesn’t deserve this. It just hurts. I DO communicate with her because I feel it’s wrong to ‘ghost’ her. But I’m not doing anything at this point to help. That pains me. Seeing her innocent eyes in pictures. She’s ematiated, hair is falling out. Malnurished.

And you’re right she has been using me as her rock for a LONG time. Even before she got sick. Years. Not to purposely use me, but because she needed someone and I needed someone too. It developed into a platonic life partnership.

There’s no helping her without 6 months sobriety. Even then it’s a stretch. Hopefully Florida will be warm and I can start to make a come back.

I just woke from a long nap. Going to Whole Foods for waters and berries and something to fortify me.

Viper

LuluBread

I am not well enough to read everyone's posts. Welcome back Viper. I totally understand the anxiety about your sick friend being off the charts. I'll need to go back and read from Wednesday about it all (last I read she was having some sort of panic attack). Dust off and get those 2 weeks before Florida. I'm right along with you (with my little fall. 5 days now. But hey, by end of year I'll have 7 months sober total for 2016. That is the most since I don't know when).

I did briefly see Kit saying maybe one drink after 3 months. I can only say that my little brief encounter was so fast and swift...so not planned or thought out (and just so very ok at the moment) it quite possibly could have and maybe still could be disastrous. One drink is never enough. Ever. And one hangover could be the downfall to so many hair-of-the-dog days.

Miss everyone here. See you soon...

Getbetter72

Bimini and Soberleigh:
Outstanding words. Echoes what others of us are saying here. We will never be able to drink in moderation. Alcoholics don't have an "off switch." Oh, we can fool ourselves for maybe a few days but eventually that switch for drinking will stick in the on position. This is not opinion, it is fact.

SoulShine8

Thank you bimini and soberleigh for popping in. Great posts and I read and the reread them. Those words are true for me. I have been on here off and on, each time starting with a "just a few won't hurt" mentality. I have to keep that in my mind every day. I want a sober life.

viper - I hope everything works out, I really do. I hope the Florida trip is everything you hope for it to be.
Lulu - glad you are on the mend. Take it slow and take good care of yourself.
charlie - I wonder about SAD, but I seriously think my world is just a depression of the crap I just left behind, drinking all the time and being around terrible people at work. And also the crap I put myself in and am going through hell cos I have to keep on going. I am certainly in limbo - a waiting time right now. I have goals to clean out my house, plans to organize and minimize for less stress but it's a slow pace. I either don't have the energy or whatever. But I am doing what I can little by little. I figure a little every day or more when I can will eventually get me there. I sympathize with what you are saying about worrying about the lack of pace but at least getting something accomplished. And I've quick beating myself up for not having energy and rest when I must (and can). I went to bed very early several times in the past week and right now feel a nap may happen today.

Viperidae

Well I literally cannot drink in Florida because I’m sharing a condo with my sister. So when I have my 2 weeks beforehand, I’ll add 4 weeks and 45 days which I hope is a foothold for me. However if I return here to the same thing, without a huge plan in place, I’ll relapse. It will be dark and raining and I’ll lose it.

The last 2 years we really got lucky with hot weather in December and 80 degree water. Some days the water was in the low 70s and it’s honestly not warm enough. I guess it would possible to get in a quick swim every day. I really want to bake on the beach.

Ok check in later.
V

badgerden

afternoon all,

Hang in there Viper, we are our own worse enemies when it comes to drinking and forgiving ourselves. The way you described your day I am sure the AV got you from all sides. Glad you are back!

I do not mean to get on the soap box, but the earlier times that I made a serious sober attempt, my goal was to become a "normy" to be able to have a glass of wine with my husband every once in a while, and that failed badly. I justified it because I am not a "social drinker" I am a closet binging, bottle hiding wino, and I thought that if I didn't do any of the before mentioned drinking habits, that I would be okay. It wasn't okay, that the one class with the steak and salad would be just fine. The truth and sad fact is that it led to lets just buy one bottle for today only, and well it kareemed down hill from there. When I read Kits post it really woke up my trigger, my AV right away began lying to me, yes that is your goal! You to can be a "normie" . My history tells me that as much as I would love to be that way, I cannot, my addiction has to deep and strong of a hold on me. If others can pull this off, well for that I am jealous, I have too weak of a resistance.

Badge

Viperidae

I’ll never, ever, be an ‘ok’ or regular drinker. No way. I’ve done 6 months before. Even if I did six years, there’s no getting ahead of the curve of the addiction. I know that for me.

I posting a lot today, I need it. I’ve got a lot going for me. Not many people get a free beach condo in South Florida for a month. Plus I didn’t mention, we made air reservations for C-U-B-A. My sister is doing it anyway so I can just tag along and pay my airfare which from S. Florida is dirt cheap. We managed to qualify for a special license. I’m scared, but it’s a big step for me. I haven’t used my passport in a long time. It’s another trip of a lifetime. I’ve been around. It’s not a far away trip or expensive but how many Americans can say they’ve been there? And it’s still untouched by the modern world. I don’t care how crappy I feel. Im going to power through and sleep when we get back to FL. That’s why I wanted to kind-of get in shape.

Maybe sauna every day next week and shower at the gym to keep myself moving and not atrophy from last night. Still gotta get in and out of the city but I think I can afford the parking. If I get enough water tonight, I can do it tomorrow.

Ivd had a lot of typos today, with the phone it’s easy to do.

V