Class of November 2016 Support Thread Part 12
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Ok Kenton (HUG)
Yes ... it is a big deal to see the thread have some issues. I think that people will be returning. I really do. Now I'm not trying to be a downer, but it is also very true for all people at all times: "people come into our lives and then they go".
I have hung on to the last sobriety thread that I was a part of .... ironicaly, it was also a November thread, just a different year. I held on as long as I could, but eventually I did let it go. It doesn't lessen the impact and importance of that thread, and I still keep in touch a bit with most of the members of that thread.
I would disagree with your husband in that no matter where you go, web or real life, people will come and go and some will be sudden and some will hurt more than others. I do believe it is something all human beings need to learn to live with. I left work almost a year ago, and no one there has taken up on any offers to continue to be a part of my life...not in a mean way...just how it is.
The person I felt most close to here at SR is no longer a part of SR and infact no longer a person at all. I've had to struggle at times, but I know how enriched my life was by our relationship and unfortunately the time came for it to end.
I think if we hang a while (and that might be a month), that the thread may very well heal. If not, we may have to start a different thread where we can talk about our lives and days as we go forward sober, only open to more people to join us in the journey.
I love you Kenton and am so sorry to hear how hard this is for you right now.
I am committing to do my very best to post here several times a day, and at least once.
You can also PM me anytime (HUG)
Yes ... it is a big deal to see the thread have some issues. I think that people will be returning. I really do. Now I'm not trying to be a downer, but it is also very true for all people at all times: "people come into our lives and then they go".
I have hung on to the last sobriety thread that I was a part of .... ironicaly, it was also a November thread, just a different year. I held on as long as I could, but eventually I did let it go. It doesn't lessen the impact and importance of that thread, and I still keep in touch a bit with most of the members of that thread.
I would disagree with your husband in that no matter where you go, web or real life, people will come and go and some will be sudden and some will hurt more than others. I do believe it is something all human beings need to learn to live with. I left work almost a year ago, and no one there has taken up on any offers to continue to be a part of my life...not in a mean way...just how it is.
The person I felt most close to here at SR is no longer a part of SR and infact no longer a person at all. I've had to struggle at times, but I know how enriched my life was by our relationship and unfortunately the time came for it to end.
I think if we hang a while (and that might be a month), that the thread may very well heal. If not, we may have to start a different thread where we can talk about our lives and days as we go forward sober, only open to more people to join us in the journey.
I love you Kenton and am so sorry to hear how hard this is for you right now.
I am committing to do my very best to post here several times a day, and at least once.
You can also PM me anytime (HUG)
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Thanks Ananda, just got back from picking up my eldest daughter from youth club where a local hoodlum stuck a knife into a young boy's arm. You never have to look very far for real life to send a wake up call, do you? You know, I'm so lucky to have my husband and my kids and as long as those guys are ok, I'll be ok. Thanks so much Ananda. Don't feel you have to post loads of times each day! I'm fine. It's probably time for me to spend more time in the real world anyway. Maybe I was getting a bit too dependent here. I'll keep checking in once a day but from now on I think it's time I started flexing my sober muscles in the big bad world. I feel I'm ready. Love you Nands xxxx
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
I'm still here Nands. It's all about balance isn't it? Sobriety is allowing me to make big improvements in my real life but I still need to come here. I don't talk to anyone in the real world about addiction and I need to speak to people who understand. So I'll keep coming here. You're stuck with me Nands.... you might be the only one left who has to listen to my daily events. Oh crikey Nands. .. you're going to deserve a medal. Actually scratch that. .. you're going to deserve a trophy!!! I'm off to sleep now Nands but I'll be back tomorrow. Nite nite xxxx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Sunny Florida
Posts: 304
Hey all
Can I join in?
My sober date is 11/20/2016. I can't believe eleven months have passed. I remember
The first couple of days just wanting it to hurry up and be time for bed so I didn't have to worry about drinking anymore. Now I hardly think about it. I would love to be a part of this nobender club!
Pooky
Can I join in?
My sober date is 11/20/2016. I can't believe eleven months have passed. I remember
The first couple of days just wanting it to hurry up and be time for bed so I didn't have to worry about drinking anymore. Now I hardly think about it. I would love to be a part of this nobender club!
Pooky
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Welcome Pooky!
I'm glad you decided to join us. I got sober on November 30th ... so I just barely made the thread!
I do believe that the draw to drink as an answer to my problems has become fairly transparently an illusion. I do still have brief thoughts run through my head ... almost like an echo fading into the mist.
There are a lot of great Nobenders here and hopefully we shall see them soon
I do attend AA, although by itself it has never been enough for me. So I use spiritual path I am on (one without a god) and some good counseling and of course SR.
I like it cause when one part of the equation doesn't seem to be working I still have other things to see me through.
I find learning to live sober again to be a challenge ... but well worth it!
Again Welcome!
I'm glad you decided to join us. I got sober on November 30th ... so I just barely made the thread!
I do believe that the draw to drink as an answer to my problems has become fairly transparently an illusion. I do still have brief thoughts run through my head ... almost like an echo fading into the mist.
There are a lot of great Nobenders here and hopefully we shall see them soon
I do attend AA, although by itself it has never been enough for me. So I use spiritual path I am on (one without a god) and some good counseling and of course SR.
I like it cause when one part of the equation doesn't seem to be working I still have other things to see me through.
I find learning to live sober again to be a challenge ... but well worth it!
Again Welcome!
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Welcome Pooky! It's brilliant to meet you!
Congratulations on your sober time. It's so exciting as we approach one year isn't it? It will be good to find out more about you. I see you're in Florida. I've never been but just last week we booked our flights to Orlando and we will be going there August 2018. The kids have already started counting down the days!!
So glad you decided to join us. As November approaches, we can start preparing for a month of celebrations!!
Hello to everyone. 7.16am in London so I better get ready for work. Be back later xxxx
Congratulations on your sober time. It's so exciting as we approach one year isn't it? It will be good to find out more about you. I see you're in Florida. I've never been but just last week we booked our flights to Orlando and we will be going there August 2018. The kids have already started counting down the days!!
So glad you decided to join us. As November approaches, we can start preparing for a month of celebrations!!
Hello to everyone. 7.16am in London so I better get ready for work. Be back later xxxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Good Morning fellow spuds!
Potato King Worship resized.gif
I over slept, but am up and ready for action now.
Today is grocery shopping and finish budget work for October.
I've decided to try and spend more time listening to Pandora while I clean and less time watching TV. As soon as I can get to the library I'll read some.
Kenton - have you heard anything on your brain scan? Oh ... my sleep test is tonight and I sure hope they immediately give me a script for the machine.
Pooky - are you doing ok with the huricanes? One of our group is from Louisiana (I think?). I'm in Kansas so our issues are usually tornado's and flash floods.
I'll probably check in before I head out to the sleep test tonight.
Nanda
Potato King Worship resized.gif
I over slept, but am up and ready for action now.
Today is grocery shopping and finish budget work for October.
I've decided to try and spend more time listening to Pandora while I clean and less time watching TV. As soon as I can get to the library I'll read some.
Kenton - have you heard anything on your brain scan? Oh ... my sleep test is tonight and I sure hope they immediately give me a script for the machine.
Pooky - are you doing ok with the huricanes? One of our group is from Louisiana (I think?). I'm in Kansas so our issues are usually tornado's and flash floods.
I'll probably check in before I head out to the sleep test tonight.
Nanda
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Good luck with the sleep study Nands, hope it goes well and you get some answers that will help you sleep better from now on. I haven't had any test results back yet but I reckon if there was anything wrong, I'd have heard by now. No news is good news
Good luck Nands, let me know how it goes xxx
Good luck Nands, let me know how it goes xxx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Sunny Florida
Posts: 304
Hey guys
Hope everyone's tests turn out ok. I work for an ENT dr and the sleep studies show a lot and the CPAPS help if you have sleep apnea. You will feel so much better.
starting to almost cool down a bit in Florida . I was in an evacuation zone for the hurricane but fared very well. ThankGod. I feared my house was going to be gone when I got home.
I did so much better than I thought I would.i can't imagine evacuating and the chaos
If I had been drinking. Now if I could give up the sugar!
Pook
Hope everyone's tests turn out ok. I work for an ENT dr and the sleep studies show a lot and the CPAPS help if you have sleep apnea. You will feel so much better.
starting to almost cool down a bit in Florida . I was in an evacuation zone for the hurricane but fared very well. ThankGod. I feared my house was going to be gone when I got home.
I did so much better than I thought I would.i can't imagine evacuating and the chaos
If I had been drinking. Now if I could give up the sugar!
Pook
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 126
Ananda I don't know if there is any meaning behind Potato King but I LOVE HIM and I got so excited when I saw that. I worshipped him immediately.
Pooky! Heeeeeeey!!!!! Welcome. We have the same date!! Well I get my "chip" on my nomo app (a sobriety counter) at 11pm on the 19th of every month because that's when my last drink was. It's so exciting that next month will be one year!
It is cool that we got a new person!
Pooky! Heeeeeeey!!!!! Welcome. We have the same date!! Well I get my "chip" on my nomo app (a sobriety counter) at 11pm on the 19th of every month because that's when my last drink was. It's so exciting that next month will be one year!
It is cool that we got a new person!
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
I think potato king came about because Steely always used to refer to potatos as 'spuds' and I liked that because it reminded me that my dad used to called potatos 'spuds' and so we kind of started worshipping King Spud!! You know, it sounds a bit crazy now but it made perfect sense at the time!!
Pooky, so glad your house survived the hurricane ok. Watching it on the news, I just couldn't believe how bad it got. I can't imagine what it must have been like. I'm so glad you're safe.
Hello LSW! Hope you are ok. You sound great! There's going to be massive celebrations for you and Pooky on 19/20 November! I think Kev hits one year next week. I hope she checks in for it.
Nands, I'm really interested to hear about the sleep study. Let me know how it went.
All good here. My dog, who is the most chilled out creature ever, has become quite growly over the last couple of days and yesterday he snapped at one of the kids. Bared his teeth and everything. I'm taking him to the vets later to make sure he's not in pain or anything. If they can't find anything medically wrong, they're going to refer him to an animal behaviourist. In my head, it's going to be CBT for dogs. I wonder if they can do an owner/dog group discount? On a serious note, we need to get this sorted out and fast. I love my dog like one of the kids but he isn't one of the kids and he can't be snapping at them.
Hope everyone has a lovely day. Love to everyone xxxx
Pooky, so glad your house survived the hurricane ok. Watching it on the news, I just couldn't believe how bad it got. I can't imagine what it must have been like. I'm so glad you're safe.
Hello LSW! Hope you are ok. You sound great! There's going to be massive celebrations for you and Pooky on 19/20 November! I think Kev hits one year next week. I hope she checks in for it.
Nands, I'm really interested to hear about the sleep study. Let me know how it went.
All good here. My dog, who is the most chilled out creature ever, has become quite growly over the last couple of days and yesterday he snapped at one of the kids. Bared his teeth and everything. I'm taking him to the vets later to make sure he's not in pain or anything. If they can't find anything medically wrong, they're going to refer him to an animal behaviourist. In my head, it's going to be CBT for dogs. I wonder if they can do an owner/dog group discount?
On a serious note, we need to get this sorted out and fast. I love my dog like one of the kids but he isn't one of the kids and he can't be snapping at them. Hope everyone has a lovely day. Love to everyone xxxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Good Morning Spuds!
The sleep study was a bit of a bummer. I just wasn't comfortable and tossed and turned a lot. It was because I forgot to bring my 9 pillows that I sleep with, plus the tons of wires they connect to you. So I am a bit cranky...
Pooky ... I cnan tell you what it is like to go through a flood situation (not as severe as yours) drunk....
We had a record rainfall over a small period of time a few years back. It filled up the window wells and broke through one of the windows and we had 2 feet of water through the whole beautifully finished basement ... floating computers, appliances...etc.
I called Chris before coming home from work, arrived 15 minutes later and we went from nothing at all to 2 ft of water!
Of course I immediately went to the liquer store on my way to get a sump pump, and after having about 8 months sober .... got drunk for7 months. My son had to handle almost everything because I was passed out most of the time. It took me forever to arrange any of the clean up and restore done.
So ... I recommend staying sober and definitely admire you for not drinking when all this hurricane stuff went on ... those things can seem (key word seem) like good reasons to drink.
Kenton - If it is a sudden change in behavior I'm betting that your dog is sick. Hope that is the case. Let us know what the vet says.
And the spud of the day...
potato friends.jpg
The sleep study was a bit of a bummer. I just wasn't comfortable and tossed and turned a lot. It was because I forgot to bring my 9 pillows that I sleep with, plus the tons of wires they connect to you. So I am a bit cranky...
Pooky ... I cnan tell you what it is like to go through a flood situation (not as severe as yours) drunk....
We had a record rainfall over a small period of time a few years back. It filled up the window wells and broke through one of the windows and we had 2 feet of water through the whole beautifully finished basement ... floating computers, appliances...etc.
I called Chris before coming home from work, arrived 15 minutes later and we went from nothing at all to 2 ft of water!
Of course I immediately went to the liquer store on my way to get a sump pump, and after having about 8 months sober .... got drunk for7 months. My son had to handle almost everything because I was passed out most of the time. It took me forever to arrange any of the clean up and restore done.
So ... I recommend staying sober and definitely admire you for not drinking when all this hurricane stuff went on ... those things can seem (key word seem) like good reasons to drink.
Kenton - If it is a sudden change in behavior I'm betting that your dog is sick. Hope that is the case. Let us know what the vet says.
And the spud of the day...
potato friends.jpg
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Sunny Florida
Posts: 304
Ananda even though you tossed and turned during the sleep study they may have gotten some good data?? Or did they already tell you it was a no go?
Around here, when there's a hurricane on the way, there are hurricane parties. Just another excuse . I'm in AA and we've gone down a few people that relapsed during the storm.
LSW how cool that we have the same sobriety date!! I know this November will be better than the last!
Kenton. I hope the doggie is ok. Let us know
Around here, when there's a hurricane on the way, there are hurricane parties. Just another excuse . I'm in AA and we've gone down a few people that relapsed during the storm.
LSW how cool that we have the same sobriety date!! I know this November will be better than the last!
Kenton. I hope the doggie is ok. Let us know
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Yeah - I think they got the data ... of course by the time they get it to the sleep dr. to interpret and then to my dr. .... 2 weeks before I know...
I'm pretty sure that they will get me on after this test ... and with oxegen which makes me extra happy!
I'm pretty sure that they will get me on after this test ... and with oxegen which makes me extra happy!
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Hey guys! Hope everyone is doing ok. Glad sleep test is done Ananda, hope it will help.
Yes, this November will be WAY better than last, Pooky. I stopped drinking on 2 November last year and I had all kinds of problems with old drinking buddies when I stopped. They spread lies about me, started arguments with me etc etc. They did not react well to my sobriety! Luckily that is all now relegated to the past.
So my dog has bad back legs and he now has anti inflammatory painkillers for a week. He already seems happier. He had load of blood tests which all came back clear so it must be pain from his legs that made him snap. Poor animals.... must be terrible being in pain and not being able to express it. Altho I guess he found a way to express it.... hopefully he will start to feel better v soon.
So, welcome to the latest problem in the world of Kenton. .... I'm noticing I always seem to have something to worry about.... anyway, my eldest daughter started senior school 5 weeks ago. She went there with some of her friends from primary school. I'm friends with one of her friends mums and my friend is currently splitting up with her husband. The kids start senior school early and because my husband doesn't leave that early for work, I can drop my daughter at school without dragging my other kids out. At the start of term, I felt bad for everything my friend was going through with the divorce so I offered to drive out of my way every morning to collect her daughter and drop her at school. This has been happening for the last 5 weeks. Anyway, I've noticed my daughter has become very quiet in the car each morning when we pick up her friend and yesterday her friend started saying, 'I won't be walking home with you later today because I'm meeting up with my friends'. I thought it odd because I thought she and my daughter were friends.
Anyway, last night I chatted about it to my daughter and it turns out this girl isn't being very nice to my daughter at all. As soon as I drop them at school, this girl is leaving my daughter and being quite unpleasant with another group of girls she's become friends with. I get that the girl is having a tough time at home with her parents separating but my priority is obviously my daughter. My daughter doesn't want me to take the girl to school any more and I obviously don't want to but I was in a bit of a quandary last night thinking about what to say. I don't want to be honest because I don't want to cause any more trouble for my daughter at school but I also don't want to put my daughter through the psychological trauma of having to travel to school every morning with someone who is making her life hell. In the end I texted my friend and said I no longer have time in the mornings to drive out of my way to collect her daughter. She replied and really applied the guilt saying that her daughter will now have to walk and she'll probably be ok even though it's getting dark in the mornings blah blah blah. I'm standing by my guns because my daughter is my priority. I've told my daughter we won't be collecting this girl any more and that my daughter needs to keep some distance between them at school. I've also explained that bullies often bully because they're not happy and if you act not bothered they usually get bored and move on. She's upset today and doesn't want to go into school and my heart is breaking for her but I'm being realistic and reminding her that she has lots of lovely friends at school and she just needs to spend her time with them. I've also explained that you come across people like this all the time in life and whilst you can't change their behaviour, you can adapt your own.
I just hate the thought of her being upset but I'm learning that I can't fix everything straightaway. I'm learning that the softly softly approach is sometimes far more effective than my instinct which is to storm in and start shouting. Not sure where I'm going with all this and I have to rush off to get my daughter to school now. Just wanted to process it all. Be back later xxxx
Yes, this November will be WAY better than last, Pooky. I stopped drinking on 2 November last year and I had all kinds of problems with old drinking buddies when I stopped. They spread lies about me, started arguments with me etc etc. They did not react well to my sobriety! Luckily that is all now relegated to the past.
So my dog has bad back legs and he now has anti inflammatory painkillers for a week. He already seems happier. He had load of blood tests which all came back clear so it must be pain from his legs that made him snap. Poor animals.... must be terrible being in pain and not being able to express it. Altho I guess he found a way to express it.... hopefully he will start to feel better v soon.
So, welcome to the latest problem in the world of Kenton. .... I'm noticing I always seem to have something to worry about.... anyway, my eldest daughter started senior school 5 weeks ago. She went there with some of her friends from primary school. I'm friends with one of her friends mums and my friend is currently splitting up with her husband. The kids start senior school early and because my husband doesn't leave that early for work, I can drop my daughter at school without dragging my other kids out. At the start of term, I felt bad for everything my friend was going through with the divorce so I offered to drive out of my way every morning to collect her daughter and drop her at school. This has been happening for the last 5 weeks. Anyway, I've noticed my daughter has become very quiet in the car each morning when we pick up her friend and yesterday her friend started saying, 'I won't be walking home with you later today because I'm meeting up with my friends'. I thought it odd because I thought she and my daughter were friends.
Anyway, last night I chatted about it to my daughter and it turns out this girl isn't being very nice to my daughter at all. As soon as I drop them at school, this girl is leaving my daughter and being quite unpleasant with another group of girls she's become friends with. I get that the girl is having a tough time at home with her parents separating but my priority is obviously my daughter. My daughter doesn't want me to take the girl to school any more and I obviously don't want to but I was in a bit of a quandary last night thinking about what to say. I don't want to be honest because I don't want to cause any more trouble for my daughter at school but I also don't want to put my daughter through the psychological trauma of having to travel to school every morning with someone who is making her life hell. In the end I texted my friend and said I no longer have time in the mornings to drive out of my way to collect her daughter. She replied and really applied the guilt saying that her daughter will now have to walk and she'll probably be ok even though it's getting dark in the mornings blah blah blah. I'm standing by my guns because my daughter is my priority. I've told my daughter we won't be collecting this girl any more and that my daughter needs to keep some distance between them at school. I've also explained that bullies often bully because they're not happy and if you act not bothered they usually get bored and move on. She's upset today and doesn't want to go into school and my heart is breaking for her but I'm being realistic and reminding her that she has lots of lovely friends at school and she just needs to spend her time with them. I've also explained that you come across people like this all the time in life and whilst you can't change their behaviour, you can adapt your own.
I just hate the thought of her being upset but I'm learning that I can't fix everything straightaway. I'm learning that the softly softly approach is sometimes far more effective than my instinct which is to storm in and start shouting. Not sure where I'm going with all this and I have to rush off to get my daughter to school now. Just wanted to process it all. Be back later xxxx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Sunny Florida
Posts: 304
Hey y'all
Kenton. I know one thing, your daughter won't forget you sticking up for her. I had an incident with my daughter many years ago. Not quite like your story but it had the same elements. Be a fierce mama! Bullying carries over into adulthood with some people. Just mean and horrible. I'm also learning not to react too quickly. I think you're doing the right thing.
My day has been good. Uneventful equals good- right???
Kenton. I know one thing, your daughter won't forget you sticking up for her. I had an incident with my daughter many years ago. Not quite like your story but it had the same elements. Be a fierce mama! Bullying carries over into adulthood with some people. Just mean and horrible. I'm also learning not to react too quickly. I think you're doing the right thing.
My day has been good. Uneventful equals good- right???
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Sounds like you all are making good decisions!
I'm ok here .... the new med (I think) is making me a bit nauseous...
It should pass.
I was thinking last night about my own childhood. I was basically the kid with the kick me sign on the back. The brunt of every joke, the one no one wanted to be teamed up with in any way. In fact in the 8th grade I got a part in a play as the girlfriend of the main actor. He quite and they couldn't find a guy willing to take the lead role if I was the girlfriend. I guess the teacher stood up for me by refusing to ask me to step down, but the solution really hurt worse ... a girl had to play the role .... more lesbian jokes followed.
I looked at all this many years ago, worked through the raging anger and I'll never forgive them stuff. I have actually determined that some of my worst tormentors grew up to be decent human beings. I guess there is some hurt that lingers and will come up when things remind me of those times and incidents. Last night's AA meeting somehow lead me to think of this.
When people were sharing about the misery of drinking, I realized that I am so glad I found alchohol when I did. It opened a door for me. It changed my whole world so I was no longer the kick me girl ... I was always smart, but I became witty. I had friends (real ones) for the first time in years. It was great and it was fun .... UNTIL IT WASN'T. I remember my first drink with all its answers, and I remember the 1st drink that wasn't any fun ... and the fun never came back. There hasn't been fun in any of the last 30 years, but I can't deny that it probably saved me from suicide from 16 - 28 when I found AA.
I guess it is just that I don't ever want to expect others to never do anything mean. That would make drinking seem like a solution again. In reality it was only a solution for a period of time till I found a real solution in this journey of self discovery and spiritual drive.
OK ... I'm off to bed.
Love you all and thanks for letting me spin that out.
Nands
I'm ok here .... the new med (I think) is making me a bit nauseous...
It should pass.
I was thinking last night about my own childhood. I was basically the kid with the kick me sign on the back. The brunt of every joke, the one no one wanted to be teamed up with in any way. In fact in the 8th grade I got a part in a play as the girlfriend of the main actor. He quite and they couldn't find a guy willing to take the lead role if I was the girlfriend. I guess the teacher stood up for me by refusing to ask me to step down, but the solution really hurt worse ... a girl had to play the role .... more lesbian jokes followed.
I looked at all this many years ago, worked through the raging anger and I'll never forgive them stuff. I have actually determined that some of my worst tormentors grew up to be decent human beings. I guess there is some hurt that lingers and will come up when things remind me of those times and incidents. Last night's AA meeting somehow lead me to think of this.
When people were sharing about the misery of drinking, I realized that I am so glad I found alchohol when I did. It opened a door for me. It changed my whole world so I was no longer the kick me girl ... I was always smart, but I became witty. I had friends (real ones) for the first time in years. It was great and it was fun .... UNTIL IT WASN'T. I remember my first drink with all its answers, and I remember the 1st drink that wasn't any fun ... and the fun never came back. There hasn't been fun in any of the last 30 years, but I can't deny that it probably saved me from suicide from 16 - 28 when I found AA.
I guess it is just that I don't ever want to expect others to never do anything mean. That would make drinking seem like a solution again. In reality it was only a solution for a period of time till I found a real solution in this journey of self discovery and spiritual drive.
OK ... I'm off to bed.
Love you all and thanks for letting me spin that out.
Nands
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
Hello my lovely classmates!
I haven't had the time to catch up on more than this page so I don't know what happened but I'm very sad to hear that Steely and Poppy decided to leave the group
Hi Pooky and welcome to the nobenders! Technically I'm not a nobender cause I got sober in October (hey that rhymed!) but it's a lovely class with the loveliest bunch of people in the whole internet!
Ananda, I hope your test results will be helpful!
I'm sorry to hear about your time at school. It's a nice way to think as our drinking as a coping mechanism that kept us alive at times. I think it served the same purpose to me.
Kenton, it sounds like you're handled the situation with your daughter extremely well. I always love reading about your day to day family life. I might be romanticising it but it sounds so warm and loving. I hope that one day I will be lucky enough to have a lovely family myself.
At the moment I'm somewhat doubtful and hopeless. I'm working on the 4th step in AA (moral inventory to find out about your character defects). After breaking through thick layers of denial and lies that i started believing myself, I found out that I wasn't always the innocent, well meaning, caring person I liked to see myself as. I was selfish, cold, calculating, manipulative a lot of the time.
I used to think that my ego was what I really had going for me. I thought it was what helped me through life and that it was what I had to rely on to get where I wanted to be.
I thought that I was clever. I thought that I was doing well, living life in a clever way when I got away with cheating, lying, manipulating, controlling, tricking people, making others like me, make them jealous, make them feel sorry for me, make myself look humble and harmless, caring and selfless, and when I got away with other selfish behaviour. I used to utilise everything. My parents divorce, my mum's depression and neglect, my dad's struggle, my relatives' deaths, my rape, robbery, all of it, everything. Even the actual good sides of me like caring about animals and volunteering at a shelter. I utilised everything when I could to sell a certain image of myself to get from others what I wanted or to make them think of me what I wanted. And I always thought that this was one of my biggest strengths. That I knew how to do that. And I thought it was skillfull and good when I could lie and cheat and bend laws in a way that I got away with. It was only frowned upon when you were too stupid to get away with it. I seriously thought that was what life was about. Mastering all those little lies and manipulations. The art of living. It's what my parents told me about life.
It never even occurred to me that it was exactly THAT kind of behaviour and thinking that always got me into trouble. I thought it was what got me out of trouble when in reality it was the cause of it. That self seeking survival of the fittest, don't trust anyone, constantly lying and believing my own lies, holding on to them. It led me into hell.
And somehow I landed in a cycle of wanting something, putting all my effort into getting it (effort in the way I used to live life), then when I have it feel like a fraud, scared of being found out or feeling like I don't deserve it because I only got it through lying, tricking. Then the fear of losing what I have turns into anger and that anger will show through all sorts of destructive behaviour.
When I finally ruined what I had I feel sorry for myself, either blame others for losing it or it'll turn into self hate.
It's what's been going on in my relationship a lot. I wasn't so honest with my BF when we met and got together so I always have this underlying fear that he'd leave me if he found out about the true me. That it's only a question of time until I can't keep up the image I tried to sell to him. And then I try to control him because if this fear and to counteract the powerlessness. Then it comes to a point where the controlling doesn't work and he doesn't react the way I want him to which makes me scared and I want to run away, become resentful at him for making me love him and I turn against him.
Sorry I had to get that out. I hope I will find a way to break through this cycle otherwise there's not much hope for a healthy relationship.
Feeling slightly desperate after being stuck in bed with the flu for a week and now starting on the 4th step. All so close to my 1st birthday which in itself makes me feel super uneasy.
Much love
I haven't had the time to catch up on more than this page so I don't know what happened but I'm very sad to hear that Steely and Poppy decided to leave the group
Hi Pooky and welcome to the nobenders! Technically I'm not a nobender cause I got sober in October (hey that rhymed!) but it's a lovely class with the loveliest bunch of people in the whole internet!
Ananda, I hope your test results will be helpful!
I'm sorry to hear about your time at school. It's a nice way to think as our drinking as a coping mechanism that kept us alive at times. I think it served the same purpose to me.
Kenton, it sounds like you're handled the situation with your daughter extremely well. I always love reading about your day to day family life. I might be romanticising it but it sounds so warm and loving. I hope that one day I will be lucky enough to have a lovely family myself.
At the moment I'm somewhat doubtful and hopeless. I'm working on the 4th step in AA (moral inventory to find out about your character defects). After breaking through thick layers of denial and lies that i started believing myself, I found out that I wasn't always the innocent, well meaning, caring person I liked to see myself as. I was selfish, cold, calculating, manipulative a lot of the time.
I used to think that my ego was what I really had going for me. I thought it was what helped me through life and that it was what I had to rely on to get where I wanted to be.
I thought that I was clever. I thought that I was doing well, living life in a clever way when I got away with cheating, lying, manipulating, controlling, tricking people, making others like me, make them jealous, make them feel sorry for me, make myself look humble and harmless, caring and selfless, and when I got away with other selfish behaviour. I used to utilise everything. My parents divorce, my mum's depression and neglect, my dad's struggle, my relatives' deaths, my rape, robbery, all of it, everything. Even the actual good sides of me like caring about animals and volunteering at a shelter. I utilised everything when I could to sell a certain image of myself to get from others what I wanted or to make them think of me what I wanted. And I always thought that this was one of my biggest strengths. That I knew how to do that. And I thought it was skillfull and good when I could lie and cheat and bend laws in a way that I got away with. It was only frowned upon when you were too stupid to get away with it. I seriously thought that was what life was about. Mastering all those little lies and manipulations. The art of living. It's what my parents told me about life.
It never even occurred to me that it was exactly THAT kind of behaviour and thinking that always got me into trouble. I thought it was what got me out of trouble when in reality it was the cause of it. That self seeking survival of the fittest, don't trust anyone, constantly lying and believing my own lies, holding on to them. It led me into hell.
And somehow I landed in a cycle of wanting something, putting all my effort into getting it (effort in the way I used to live life), then when I have it feel like a fraud, scared of being found out or feeling like I don't deserve it because I only got it through lying, tricking. Then the fear of losing what I have turns into anger and that anger will show through all sorts of destructive behaviour.
When I finally ruined what I had I feel sorry for myself, either blame others for losing it or it'll turn into self hate.
It's what's been going on in my relationship a lot. I wasn't so honest with my BF when we met and got together so I always have this underlying fear that he'd leave me if he found out about the true me. That it's only a question of time until I can't keep up the image I tried to sell to him. And then I try to control him because if this fear and to counteract the powerlessness. Then it comes to a point where the controlling doesn't work and he doesn't react the way I want him to which makes me scared and I want to run away, become resentful at him for making me love him and I turn against him.
Sorry I had to get that out. I hope I will find a way to break through this cycle otherwise there's not much hope for a healthy relationship.
Feeling slightly desperate after being stuck in bed with the flu for a week and now starting on the 4th step. All so close to my 1st birthday which in itself makes me feel super uneasy.
Much love
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Hi Kev (hug)
Having been through a few 4th steps over the years, I can understand how difficult it can be to work on. A few things that helped me as I worked through it ... The person I lied to the most was myself. I was often if not mostly totally unaware of my true motivations. I sold myself on a version of me and bought it hook line and sinker. Today I see most of my "defects" arising from fear. I desperately wanted to be safe and did anything I thought I needed to do to survive.
Today I feel a lot of compassion for the little girl trying so desperately to fix life and thinking that I was the one who had to make me safe and that if something bad happened everyone would blame me and perhaps be right. It's strange how both sensations I've mentioned can co-exist and almost always do.
I hope you have a great sponsor who you can be sure to talk to when the inventory seems too crushing. If you need to come here and talk about things please feel comfortable doing so. When I started to see the bad motive underneath the good in so many of my actions, I tended to loose sight of that many of my actions I did have a good motive as well as a bad motive for doing it.... "I should help this person who is in pain because their pain hurts me"..."maybe if I do comfort them, they will be more companionate to me when I screw up".
I will be doing a 4th step with my sponsor if we can manage to be ok with the way I can do the 3rd (since I don't believe in a "god" as defined in a dictionary or in theology. I know I can trust Kristi, but being me ... don't like to disappoint her with some of the bad things I did over the last 7 years. I'm still debating if I want to share my 4th step with her or with a Buddhist Monk. The big book talks about that as an option, and I really think I will get more understanding of myself and benefit from reviewing these things with someone who shares the same basic set of values and same theological understanding of how to approach our "wrongs" (unskillful actions to a Buddhist).
OK ... now I've rattled.
I do believe that everyone here, whether in aa or not, do the sort of introspection that leads to the growth we need to stay sober.
I'm so glad you posted Kev!
Nands
Having been through a few 4th steps over the years, I can understand how difficult it can be to work on. A few things that helped me as I worked through it ... The person I lied to the most was myself. I was often if not mostly totally unaware of my true motivations. I sold myself on a version of me and bought it hook line and sinker. Today I see most of my "defects" arising from fear. I desperately wanted to be safe and did anything I thought I needed to do to survive.
Today I feel a lot of compassion for the little girl trying so desperately to fix life and thinking that I was the one who had to make me safe and that if something bad happened everyone would blame me and perhaps be right. It's strange how both sensations I've mentioned can co-exist and almost always do.
I hope you have a great sponsor who you can be sure to talk to when the inventory seems too crushing. If you need to come here and talk about things please feel comfortable doing so. When I started to see the bad motive underneath the good in so many of my actions, I tended to loose sight of that many of my actions I did have a good motive as well as a bad motive for doing it.... "I should help this person who is in pain because their pain hurts me"..."maybe if I do comfort them, they will be more companionate to me when I screw up".
I will be doing a 4th step with my sponsor if we can manage to be ok with the way I can do the 3rd (since I don't believe in a "god" as defined in a dictionary or in theology. I know I can trust Kristi, but being me ... don't like to disappoint her with some of the bad things I did over the last 7 years. I'm still debating if I want to share my 4th step with her or with a Buddhist Monk. The big book talks about that as an option, and I really think I will get more understanding of myself and benefit from reviewing these things with someone who shares the same basic set of values and same theological understanding of how to approach our "wrongs" (unskillful actions to a Buddhist).
OK ... now I've rattled.
I do believe that everyone here, whether in aa or not, do the sort of introspection that leads to the growth we need to stay sober.
I'm so glad you posted Kev!
Nands
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