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The Power Of Sobriety Thread (POST!) #3

Old 09-10-2017, 08:34 PM
  # 81 (permalink)  
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Bad work weekend, nagging problems. I let it get to me. Not connected at all like I need to be. Supposed to catch the Irma weather tomorrow afternoon/eve,in N Ga, butit aintgonna be crap by comparison. I hope you fla folks stay safe. I've messed up a lot the past few days by not being able to read other ppls wrong, troubled signals. Exhausted from emotional failure and stress. Not keeping my own head clear is the real issue I think. 14 months sober or 14 yrs, I think I'm still gonna be feeling lost in a lot of things. Most of the time it doesn't get to me. Got worn out from some beat ups recently (used to be drinking/gripes inthe past I'm sure).
Sober will forever be a new day for me, each day.
Not a cryer, but if I could I'd blow that sh-t out right now. ! Hahaha
Pls stay safe everyone. Thank you for letting me share.
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Old 09-10-2017, 08:55 PM
  # 82 (permalink)  
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How are you doing Gilmer?

Courage I think sometimes our auto-shutdown is a self-preservation thing.
I hope you are taking care of you. Any way to spread some of the work load around to be less overwhelmed?
I know some of us thrive in the pressure cooker lifestyle, but it's a fine line between getting it done and getting over cooked, ahhaha.

I don't know if there was much to admire in my actions or decisions. I feel the pressure cooker for sure and it is wiping me out. I don't know what to do about any onslaught- I just kind of take it as it comes. I had a chance at two meetings last night and tonight- I'm just done by day's end.

I went to church today, with my little. While it was no battery recharge, it was a spiritual reconnection I really needed. Some things I really needed to hear, other things kind of, well, struck a wrong note in me.
The pastor spoke of blessings and prayers, and urged us to join a prayer walk to bless the city and learn to love our city. He said, not many of us do, it is a rough city to live in.

You know, I feel a lot of negative feelings, particularly towards things like this. And things that have happened recently, like my character being called into question or offered useless, unsolicited advice.. or being used.
I feel a lot of cynicism towards people "in the program" and I'll use that very broadly. This is a small city with a big city attitude.
Where I live, this entire province has a huge drug and alcohol problem. This city I live in, yeah, it's rough around the edges, very much so, and sick in its heart, but there are people, so, so many people who are giving compassionate care to those who are struggling with mental health and addiction, and it's widespread across the province. We are modest in numbers though, so our attitudes and trends- don't seem to catch on much to our bigger neighbours across the country.
I know, I know.. most of us have "fake it til you make it" to get to any kind of spiritual connection to our higher power, the world around us, and ourselves. And maybe this is true for the congregation I sat on today.
Took me awhile to notice that the vast majority of people sitting amongst me where mostly white.

I am really truly nit picking at things, but when they start piling up it gets harder to ignore. I know these things.. get hashed out at meetings and with sponsors, the steps and the big book.
The cynicism is pretty thick, the apathy is heavy with the exhaustion, the depression is hard to shake with what sits over my head. I've kind of lost faith in humanity (in a small scale). People have a reeeeally hard time practicing principles before personality in the programs here. My absence will be noted as it is with everyone else- and this makes me not want to go or participate. I've heard this among many, I know we are not special. I know how much gossip happens in our fellowships and it bothers me to no end.

Whatever. I have a boulder I am pushing up hill. I am giving myself a goal to make like, one friend. I just, don't naturally trust people- ESPECIALLY women.
I am going through the motions til I get a time and place to throw myself back in the program. I am tired of being kicked like a dog. I don't have much put myself out there left right now. And all this feels super shameful to write out.

I just trust it will get better... I walk around blessing and thanking everything and just pray constantly. I've got what I need. I can hold on through the rest.

I was told by a wise woman once, if we do the best today with what I have, tomorrow will take care of itself. So, trusting the process and doing the next right thing, it's what I got left.
I surprise myself with the poise I manage to pull out sometimes dealing with the crap slung my way.
Mostly my head is a mess. Whatever.
I am not dealing with a hurricane, so this is a head of a lot of ladeeda in my mind.
the next 4 months will be the test.
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Old 09-10-2017, 08:55 PM
  # 83 (permalink)  
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I hope the week gets better for you JL.

D
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Old 09-10-2017, 08:57 PM
  # 84 (permalink)  
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Has anybody ever had any nerve testing done?
I am going in a couple weeks and not sure what to expect and a bit apprehensive.

JL I feels for you my friend. I'm sorry your work week has been rough.
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Old 09-11-2017, 02:46 AM
  # 85 (permalink)  
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Sorry I have not been posting much. I am caught in a vicious work schedule with nine hours between ten hour shifts recently.

Del and JL, when things seem overwhelming, I try to slow things down. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one thought at a time. Break things and thoughts into small, easily digestible pieces instead of trying to swallow a whole day at a time. It doesn't really matter how other people think and act. Life is merely how we interpret it in our heads. Do things that make you feel as though you are being kind to yourselves. Stop beating yourselves up for not living up to some idealized view of how we should be. We are our own judge and jury in life. Show yourselves some mercy.
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Old 09-11-2017, 03:31 AM
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JL, hope things improve for you.

Carlos, hope you came thru the storm okay.

Star, hope you can catch a breather. I certainly admire your work ethic. Hope your bosses feel the same!

Making progress on my huge project, but still have several weeks more to go. Just like sobriety, I'm taking it as it comes.

Have a great day, all!
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Old 09-11-2017, 06:35 AM
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I'm so sorry you're in the pits, JL.

Angry, frustrated, and regretful emotions certainly are hard to get through without a drink. But to paraphrase Dee, at least when you're sober, a few bad days are just a few bad days--they don't turn into a few bad years!

Well done on 14 months!

Carlos, I just heard that the Tampa are was not hit badly by Irma. I hope you therefore got off well! SG, I hope you stay well, too.

Thanks for asking about me! I've been working hard lately according to the schedule I've set for myself this week, so often I either go to bed early or wake up late--I've been highly motivated to work, so I've had to strike while the iron's hot!

I've felt much less panic-stricken at the prospect of the new class because the review has been going well. If all goes well, I'll start Thursday.

Yesterday I made a decision to honor my little schedule instead of rearranging my entire day to do some spur-of-the moment whim of others. I felt guilty at first, because my schedule is relatively unimportant in the grand scheme of things--but then I figured that the other thing was unimportant, too--so mine came first!

I'm only going to be out of commission till Thursday. Then I'll no doubt be a lot more available and back to normal.

The spur-of-the-moment thing went fine without my spearheading it.
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Old 09-11-2017, 06:43 AM
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JL, you sound like you need a hug. Since I got sober, I messed up on a bunch of interpersonal situations -- sometimes *really* badly. Some of it was due to fumbling around with feelings and values that I'd never developed, or squashed, when I was drinking. It's painful. Go 'head and cry. (JL)

Stargazer! That kind of schedule must be physically & psychologically draining. Is your job always such intense hours?

Del, the good news is that you're looking around your world with a thoughtful and critical eye. Active alcoholics don't do that. As for trust -- I don't trust anyone with everything, and most people I don't trust at all. Why should we trust, given what we know? Heck, I trust myself least of all. But in a congregation (using the term broadly) of equally untrustworthy, diversely f***ed up people, I can kind of give up my own sense of inadequacy & realize it's just part of the human lot. Does that make sense?
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Old 09-11-2017, 03:24 PM
  # 89 (permalink)  
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Hi Del

I've had something like a TENS machine where they cover you in suction cups and feed little electric pulses into the body and I've had the time worn 'can you feel this' needle test.

Neither was pleasant but not agony.
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Old 09-11-2017, 03:46 PM
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Today I was told I ought to see a neurologist.

Lately I've had a lot of trouble voicing what I mean to say. It seems to be a lot more within the last couple of months. It's more than the occasional, "Crap! What's that word I'm looking for?"

I want very much to express something, but all I can do is stammer entire phrases that don't make sense.

The GP asked me if any third parties had said anything. I was going to say no and blow it off, but in fact people close to me are beginning to get annoyed with increasing frequency, and all I can say is "You know I can't talk!"

It takes me about 30 seconds to formulate things when I space out.

Fortunately, writing is not affected!

The GP gave me a list of neurologists, and circled two in particular who specialize in my type of complaint.

I even had a slight episode of it right in front of him! I couldn't remember how to say "bariatric surgeon" or even "the guy who did my gastric bypass!"

My whole month is full of appointments of various types. My first thought when he told me to see a neurologist was, "Aw, Geez. Not another one!"

There's probably nothing wrong with me--I get rattled easily when challenged.

But I have to go, at least to have the assurance of a clean bill of health.

I don't have neuropathy or anything, though nerve pain from my neck vertebrae sometimes wakes me up at night.

I don't know if that's what you mean by "nerve test."

Why do you need a nerve test, Del?
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Old 09-11-2017, 06:32 PM
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That sounds a little bit like something a person on the Former Insanity Survivors' Thread could get all worked-up over, Gilmer.

But I'll bet it's just too many balls in the air.

Keep us posted! ((glimmer))
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Old 09-11-2017, 06:35 PM
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I never got hit by a belt, but my mom hit me with a garden rake, tines up, open grip, full batter swing. That was quite a day!
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Old 09-11-2017, 06:40 PM
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Since my mini strokes I sometimes need to look for the right word too Gilmer.

It gets a little better every year which is better than it getting worse


I hope and trust that all will be well with you

D
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Old 09-11-2017, 07:16 PM
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Hey thanks all !!
God bless I was whiny ! I had a good talk with my sponsor who loves a state away now, and I needed it as I'm
Not making meetings this week either. Things we talk about were what I really needed to think and work on.
Thank y'all SO much for being kind. It really makes a difference With me, and I'm very thankful for it.
Goin sleep
Another day with the men, coming up!
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Old 09-12-2017, 01:05 AM
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Have a great time with the guys, JL!

Thanks for the comfort, you guys. I hope it is just a stress thing.

OOTT, I can only remember getting the belt twice, but my mom used to slap me in the face every day (I was a sassy and disrespectful kid, it's true).

A lot of the time she hit me with one of those Bolo bouncing ball paddles from the five and dime. I never got to practice bouncing the ball: my mom always ripped it off and kept the paddle for my backtalking butt!
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Old 09-12-2017, 03:21 AM
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Hoping that Carlos will check in here. I'm FB friends with him and it appears that he pulled thru the hurricane unscathed!

Big meeting with the boss this morning to lay out plans for the new book.

Have a great day, all!
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Old 09-12-2017, 04:15 AM
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You guys are like a perpetual motion machine, FBL!
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Old 09-12-2017, 07:38 AM
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I have to go to Kansas tomorrow. Kansas! Maybe some of the good people on SR live in Kansas. I anticipate midwestern gothic combined with toxic hotel conference rooms and presentation-remorse, watched over by the grey wraiths of the powerful men, and probably my mother's ghost.
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Old 09-12-2017, 08:29 AM
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Maybe you'll find a nice eatery with pleasant waitstaff. Here's hoping!
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Old 09-12-2017, 08:32 AM
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What do they eat in Kansas?
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