Sunflowerlife

Hi Rainman- lots of things going on in your life right now! I do hope everything goes smoothly with the move in, if that happens. I'm sorry to hear about your MIL's lung cancer, that is so awful especially when they can put a time stamp on it.

I am so proud of you, truly. And that card must have made you feel so good to be acknowledged like that by your family. What a blessing to have them involved in this process!

Good luck with court and I hope it is uneventful as well although i'm sure you'd like to put all of this legal stuff behind you.

Thanks for checking in and congrats on 101 days!

WeaverBird

Dearest Sunny,
I can hear your frustration with the food and it really is mood altering both in the way it changes a day and in how it affects our hormones. You are not alone :hugs:

It's so much harder to stay sober around that time of the month, because my anger levels are up and I feel like my skin's too tight somehow. Generally cranky and headachy. Can't get any relief or sleep or energy or motivation. It's like walking thru treacle.

When it's going well, I just feel light and like a little engine is going along inside me.

I've struggled for the past 2 weeks with sugar and I know I'm in for PMS from hell this month. Last month when the food had been under control more or less since I stopped drinking was much, much easier. The day before yesterday I lived on ice cream and cakes, downed with soda.

I can't exercise enough to keep the weight off and I dread getting on the scales. I took pills for way too many years to deal with it and the temptation to do so today was huge. I know a high protein, rice based diet seems to calm my blood sugar spikes but it takes weeks to do this and I have to accept an albeit temporary weight gain whilst it stabilises. I just can't face it. I just can't find the willpower.

Damn sugar. It's hurting everyone, we're just super-sensitive to it.
I hope you get some relief.
All my love darling girl
xxxxx

Sunflowerlife

Thank you Weev and I'm so sorry you are struggling as well. I am speaking with a therapist this afternoon and I heard back from that group that does long distance healing and they will be praying for me on Sunday. I hope that helps as well. I am back on track today- honestly I can't do more than 2 cheat days in a row before I feel like utter crap- that's the good thing about it. Years ago I would binge for weeks on end- so at least I'm getting better in that respect.

If you do well with the high protein/rice diet why not give it another shot? Or have you ever looked into a ketogenic diet? I still swear by it despite my recent binges. For the first 6 months I was only cheating during that time of the month- it's only now that I am unhappy not working that I'm binging a lot more- so strictly emotional. The diet itself is amazing, especially if you eat meat. You can have bacon every day, any meat you like- lots of fats too. Just no grains/sugar and carbs are restricted. It's like Atkins only better. IT takes a while to adjust but after several weeks blood sugars stabilize and carb cravings disappear. I only get them during my PMS time and again, because I have a history of food issues.

It's the hardest vice to have- food. Because we can't live without it, it's everywhere and people constantly use it to celebrate. I always want to give my kids treats and take them out to eat and then I feel bad when they are all eating and I'm sitting there with a water or whatever. It feels socially wrong. But I also know what eating crap does to me and it's just not worth it.

Anyway, I am rambling. I do hope you are feeling better today and eating in a way that makes your body and soul feel good. One day at a time- choose to love yourself today, and be gentle with yourself as well. We are all just doing our best, at any given moment!! Lots of love,

Sunny

WeaverBird

I'm going to look it up right now!!!

WeaverBird

Hey Sun, hey fellow Mayflowers and anyone else here,

Hope you had a day when you felt in control again with the food.
I've done better only because I got on the scales and my weight hasn't changed. I feel like a balloon though and I'm sure I'd be cramming the sugar in if I'd put on a few pounds.

I fall smack bang in the middle of my BMI at the doctors but I know I feel happier 20 pounds lighter. It's an ongoing battle.

I have no sense of my body at all. Body image is so fluid. I wonder if it does change with our emotions?

I often feel very tall and big until I get a hug from an actual tall and big person and then I have a moment of unreality as I realise how small i actually am.

Anyway, love to you, my beauty

WeaverBird

What a funny, chaotic day I've had so far. Busiest in sobriety so far but unstructured and unplanned and so many people: talking talking.

Up early, and my head all over the place with worry about money and how I will ever work in my present unreliable state.

So off to an early meeting I go, annoyed by every single person speaking. Decided to go on to another meeting and finally relaxed a bit and saw sense. I can always tell I've been anxious because at some point in the meeting I will start to yawn and I love the people sharing again

I meet more people than I've seen in months on mornings like this. It can feel like sensory overload. I try not to go into my social face which tires me out and always makes me want to kick myself afterwards. Dealing with loud people with smart comments is the worst. I still can’t understand what they’re saying that they think is so witty.

Then lunch with some AAs and that's not easy to accomplish because we are all self-will run riot. Surprised we could even agree on a table. Anyway, it somehow worked out and I did manage to socialise sober. So there’s hope there.

In all this, I forgot my car was hours past it's allocated free parking time and I was over 2 miles away outside the city because I refuse to pay to park my car!!! When I got back to it, the car in front had an £80 fine but I didn't get one, by some fluke or design. Whew. Much gratitude.

Then I got home and some friends from The North came visiting out of the blue which was nice. They are nice. Was very happy and got the 'you look so well what have you been doing' compliment, which always makes me happy somewhere deep inside. And I know it will get better still because my eyes are not white and I get an occasional pain in my liver area or above if I've eaten badly.

They've just left and I think I've got a bit of separation anxiety and I suddenly feel really lonely. I blew it. I had everything that the world sees as success and I drank it away. I know I’m still very poorly and can’t get any balance in the things I do. I spent too many years wishing I was elsewhere and it IS getting better and better with every day that passes. Just not fast enough for me.

I'm such a child. The reading today was from As Bill Sees It and the part that struck me was:

76
"Change is the characteristic of all growth. From drinking to sobriety, from dishonesty to honesty, from conflict to serenity, from hate to love, from childish dependence to adult responsibility -- all this and infinitely more represent change for the better.
LETTER, 1966

I want somebody else to take care of me. I've never had to do anything for myself, by myself, a real dependent alcoholic who ended up alone. Now, I *am* excited about becoming an individual and making choices that reflect me, but I’m oh so frightened that I have no-one but me to fall back on if I get it wrong. I'm just lonely I guess.

I've been off the voddie long enough for reality to be hitting home. When I go off into fantasy, which is often, I pull myself back sharply to the present moment by saying "that's not happening - it's just a story you're making up", because I've got so much to do in the present moment and I'm working quite hard to have a human experience and to connect to my higher power.

It also hit me this morning how deadly this disease is. I felt such compassion for those it kills. Whatever the statistics I don't know the truth but I know it's far higher than those who get well, get freedom. I stopped drinking because I thought my soul was dying and I was terrified not because of any statistic.

I don't want anyone else to die. It's so difficult to pin alcoholism down even in my own head. I forget everything I learn overnight. It evaporates in my sleep maybe. How could I ever help another person to get free? Just overwhelmed by the waves of addicts that have come thru my meetings in 4 short months. The misery caused by alcohol.

Anyway, I seem to be writing a book/blog here and I only started to post so our Mayflowers thread wouldn’t fall off page one!

I do feel hope, a deep certainty that I’ve chosen the path of sobriety whatever I have to face. The healing that has gone on in the last month; the change in my thinking patterns; the revelations are priceless to me.

It's happened so quickly I feel like a pendulum swings from that old behaviour and goes to the extreme the other way and I don't like that either and back we go again. I hope it settles in the middle somewhere in a place of calm quiet and my true personality comes out.

I would like to be sure of who I am and not constantly swayed by other people's opinions. This current uncertainty that I’m doing the right things is a pain. A million different people from one day to the next. I can change - it's about time I grew up and counted my blessings. My head is clearing and I am very lucky to be alive. I got a second chance.

Dee74

Thanks for sharing that Weev

Like I just said to some one else, it's not about who knows the most - sometimes it's just about a simple acknowledgement of someone else's story.

You never know when something you wrote, or say, will resonate with someone else and make their day a little easier

Have faith that you will become who you want to be - it's already underway

D

WeaverBird

"Have faith that you will become who you want to be - it's already underway"

Thanks for saying that Dee. It made me cry with relief actually because most days I am wondering (panicking) what new thing is happening to me now. I want to be well THIS SECOND cos I've got so much to put right. This is like an endurance race and I could really do with a nap!

That's not to say that I'm not quite happy at the moment. Nothing is wrong in this moment. And nothing much is going wrong in my head this second.

What I want is MORE!!!! Such an addict Love you Dee and hope you are happy and content.

Rainman1

Just a quick check in, I'm alive, sober and somewhat ok. Once I put my thoughts together I'll try to give y'all an update.

Weeve, loved your post from Sat.

Rainman1

Hey Gang, I'm not sure where to start. First I should say that according to my sobriety counter I've been sober for 110 days and I've saved $2000. Now I've spent that and more on legal fees and it's not over yet. At some point it'll be money in the bank. :-). Last Fri I went to court, lawyer said they offered 3 year probation, he thinks he can get it down to 2 years and have my DWI charge reduced. he's the lawyer and I trust him so we'll see. Next court date is Oct 6.
After court I decided not to go back to work and instead went and picked up our camper. Called my wife and she was home by 4 and we were gone by 4:30. It was just the 2 of us plus our 2 dogs. this was the first time we've gone camping since I got sober, Before, we'd get to the campsite and I would open a beer even before we set up. When it was just us 2, very rarely did I get loaded but I always had an open beer and the mornings were made for bloody marys. This weekend was nice, we went hiking, rented a canoe(which was an experience with 2 dogs), kayaked and just enjoyed ourselves. Campgrounds also had a church service Sunday morning. We pulled the jeep and went out driving around they campground and surrounding area. I thought about it but didn't wanted nor miss drinking. It was just a nice relaxing weekend with my wife. But then Monday had to come along and back to reality.
Question for ya'll, After 110 days I still don't sleep, my fitbit says I average about 4 1/2 hour of sleep a night. I go to sleep but then wake up 1/2 hour -hour later and my mind wont shut off. I guess I should add I was the same way when I was drinking. I thought quitting was supposed to help insomnia?
Anyway that all for now. Stay Sober My Friends
Rainman

Sunflowerlife

Hi Rainman- what a wonderful trip that must have been. I am so glad you enjoyed your time in nature with your wife and without the need for a drink. You've come a long way my friend!

Court issues sound like they are coming along! I hope your lawyer can get those 3 years down to 2 for you. Fingers crossed!

I'm sorry about the insomnia- that is rough! I had really bad sleep when I was drinking but it was caused by the alcohol- it sounds like your insomnia isn't alcohol related but maybe more a matter of stress/overactive mind. Have you tried hypnosis? My favorite hypnotist has an app where you can buy tracks ($1.99 each) and listen at night as you fall asleep. I swear by them. His name is Andrew Johnson and he has several for relaxation which is what may help you. Also learning to meditate will help calm the mind too.

I do hope you get things resolved- 4 hours does not seem like enough sleep for anyone! Glad to hear from you and congrats on 110 days!

Sunflowerlife

Greetings friends- I am doing okay these days. My moods are better than they were and I'm not sure what is changing them. I did start taking CBD oil but I can't tell if it's helping or if this is purely hormonal. Speaking of hormones I just mailed out my hormone/neurotransmitter test yesterday- looking forward to getting the results on both.

I see my new therapist this evening and I can't wait! He is all about becoming mindful and centered, and seems different than your typical, run-of-the-mill therapist. He writes his own meditations and songs and he sounds so zen when I talked to him on the phone. I'll let you know how that goes.

My toddler is turning 3 on Friday- we will be celebrating here just with my family. Going to get him a pinata this afternoon I also decided to enroll him in three mornings a week at preschool. This will hopefully give me time to run errands without him. He ends up driving me crazy in stores and I end up rushing through every trip and getting frustrated! It will be nice to buy groceries in peace or stay home and work on myself- maybe take a yoga or an art class.

Sobriety wise I am feeling pretty strong- no cravings really and at this point I don't see myself every drinking again. It took me a year and 8 months to get to this place, and several relapses but it was all worth it. I know that this is it for me. Now I have to work on finding ways to enjoy my life without numbing through other distractions/addictions like food, social media, my phone or laptop. I want to learn how to sit in these uncomfortable feelings that I started numbing around age 15. That's 26 years of bad habits to break. God help me.

I wish you all a wonderful day and end of the week. Weev hope to hear from you soon.

Goat

I have not spent enough time in this thread... So it may be a little presumptuous of me to jump in and talk a bunch... But I am going to do it anyway, cause I need to talk.

I have until recently lived a life that is completely alone. I was an only child with indifferent parents and my world was entirely inside my head. I went to college and kept my head down. I studied physics and that kept me busy all the time and I did not have to engage with friends or have any sort of social life. As an adult I've had a number of relationships, but I was always very isolated. I never understood why I had so many relationship failures... I always blamed my significant other when things went south.

More recently I started to understand that my alcoholic behavior was fatal to my relationships and that I needed to see my part in the past failures. And my isolation was the biggest problem.

I am in a relationship (as many of you no doubt are aware) with a particularly awesome member of this forum. We are getting married in September. And... For the first time in my life I do not want to be isolated. I want to join fully: heart, soul and mind.

But my isolation is habitual. I keep too much in my head. And I can see clearly how much it hurts my beloved fiancee when I put up barriers. And.... It hurts me too. I don't want it. I have never wanted to be alone LESS in my life.

I have made a clear and vehement decision to not be alone anymore. I want to be open and honest and loving at all times. My heart is absolutely in the right ace, but sometimes my head is not.

Anyone else ever feel this way? I am very serious about changing this about myself. I could use any advice available about this.

Sunflowerlife

Hi Goat and congrats on your engagement!

I can relate a lot to this but I didn't realize how much of a loner I am until I got married and had kids. There are days I feel like I am suffocating because of it. Like you, I had one failed relationship after another but most probably due to the fact that I was a drunk and the people I chose were toxic. But also I feel that a lot of it is a fear of intimacy. I was always quick to fall in love but once that wore off and the real love was about to happen, I was out the door.

My husband is a very good man and we still have many issues- some of which are due to my intimacy issues. Could some of these feelings of wanting to be alone be more related to a fear of being intimate/close with another? I had a reading done last year with a spiritual medium and he told me it is one of my life lessons, to overcome my intimacy fears.

I just started therapy yesterday and am ready to tackle these things head on (along with many other issues.) My suggestion would be to find a therapist- one you really connect with and trust and go into therapy with a goal to be whatever it is you want that will support the new life you are seeking.

I do wish you luck- I think it's a beautiful thing when we recognize within us the things that are holding us back and the things that we want to change. Life is all about evolving and challenging our minds/egos and habits. You can absolutely do this if you want to- I really believe that...

Dee74

Hi SFL - I had to remove your Andrew Johnson link because it's a commercial site - it sells stuff - and that against our rules.

Folks can Google or PM you for the link

Rainman - it may be you have some long standing sleep/stress problem. Have you thought about seeing a Dr?

Good to hear from you Goat.
I was a loner too but I learned to trust - not only my partner, but myself.

It was a great load off my mind when I knew I could be trusted not to drink again.

Learning to reach out and share my innermost thoughts was hard - it took a while....but my partner was patient and understanding. She never let me down.

I'd always thought that reaching out & trusting would diminish me, but the opposite happened - I grew.

I wanted to be sober and good and trustworthy and honest not only for her, but me too

Hi Weevl

Have a great weekend guys.
D

Sunflowerlife

Sorry about that Dee- not sure how I forgot...

Dee74

Thanks SFL

D

Rainman1

Happy Sunday Class of May 2017. Not much going on, just thought I would say hi. Just a rainy kinda lazy days. Hope everyone is doing good.

Rainman

Rainman1

How's our Weeve doing?

WeaverBird

Hey Rain, good to hear from you, sober twin - how’s the family? How’s your insomnia? I’m trying valerian tea before bed but I couldn’t say it’s giving me any extra hours just maybe a deeper sleep. I’m not waking every night at 4.30 like before when my body expected a drink but I don’t know if it will ever totally go away because I drank so long and so consistently… must be imprinted pretty deep.

It’s way easier, no cravings, and my brain’s clearing a bit. I’m hoping my empty head is in fact serenity and peace!!! I have achieved zen nirvana and didn’t even notice.

I’m having a funny day tho. I woke up and decided I needed a man this morning and have been tempted to join a dating site all day. I went into the city to get my coffee, but it’s official: my Higher Power has imposed a 10 mile exclusion zone round me. Would you believe it I saw NO men AT ALL. Even in the coffee shop. Not ONE. Is that even possible? Did they get up and move county? Anyhoo, I should take the hint: He knows what’s best for me. New relationships go hand in hand with relapse sometimes.

I’m just reading chapter 1 from “Is it love or is it addiction” by Brenda Schaeffer which starts by saying most efforts to love fail unless a person has actively tried to develop his or her individual potential and personality. Not sure you can do that when your main focus is on getting drunk. Yet another reason to be on my own for a while yet. Me and The Dog are best buds.

Also really grateful for what Sun, Dee and Goat wrote on this thread about isolation and fear of intimacy in relationships. I’m pretty sunk into the way of life of 12 step recovery programs now. I’m doing some intense written work at the moment in SLAA - I accidentally ended up in a meeting one day, and felt right at home with some of the “socially challenged” people there. No holding hands or hugging either!

They have a concept called “social, sexual and emotional anorexia”. I don’t like the word but it’s about patterns of avoiding closeness or inability to trust that usually start in childhood and can end up with isolation and aloneness through subconscious choice. It’s the anniversary of my father dying today and I expect that’s bought all this up. He is at peace, if my prayers for his forgiveness are heard, but he, among others, taught me not to trust.

I’ll get there. I’m facing stuff I’ve run away from for ever. Four months is a million miles away from Day 1, isn’t it? Just the thought of going back there fills me with dread. How did I ever think taking a drink would improve my ability to solve any problem? I pray none of us ever goes near that filthy stuff ever again. I love that we’re all exploring different ways of finding relief from the problems of living in reality. I could stay sober if this is all I had to deal with but you lot have work and relationships and children in the equation. I take my hat off to you. Love you guys