Class of November 2016 Support Thread Part 11
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,549
That was a very funny joke kenton and loved that you used to "whom". The royal One cannot help but be impressed 
Thanks for your kind thoughts re my back and it looks like control freak is backing down somewhat in that all seem to be put off by him and he is losing his imagined power. At least that's what my friendly woman neighbour believes. There is strength in numbers. Supportive numbers not 'ganging up' numbers.
Firm but polite Dee, dead right.
Bullies are usually cowards and when I first met him extended my hand in handshake. He had a handshake like a wet lettuce leaf.
Just keeping to myself and I love it that way.
Please everyone stay safe from Irma.
Thanks for your kind thoughts re my back and it looks like control freak is backing down somewhat in that all seem to be put off by him and he is losing his imagined power. At least that's what my friendly woman neighbour believes. There is strength in numbers. Supportive numbers not 'ganging up' numbers.
Firm but polite Dee, dead right.
Bullies are usually cowards and when I first met him extended my hand in handshake. He had a handshake like a wet lettuce leaf.
Just keeping to myself and I love it that way.
Please everyone stay safe from Irma.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Queensland
Posts: 568
I had no doubt you fell like a pro Dee. We don't things in halves around here lol.
I'm so glad your controlling self righteous neighbour is backing off Steely... backing off. You have enough issues with your back, you certainly don't need a man on it
Kenton, your son sounds like a real gem. How proud must you be. What a lovely lad.
Last day of my mini break and about to go for a walk along the beach.
May everyone have a wonderful day/evening/morning or afternoon xoxo
I'm so glad your controlling self righteous neighbour is backing off Steely... backing off. You have enough issues with your back, you certainly don't need a man on it
Kenton, your son sounds like a real gem. How proud must you be. What a lovely lad.
Last day of my mini break and about to go for a walk along the beach.
May everyone have a wonderful day/evening/morning or afternoon xoxo
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
I'm glad no one escaped Badger. Or got hurt. Your job is so impressive and awesome. Bad day in my office is when someone jams up the photocopier and sneaks away without fixing it. Makes my blood boil when I turn up to photocopy something and the red light is flashing at me and I have to unjam someone's else's jam. I'm freakily good at unjamming photocopiers - I've had so much practice. We were all born with special gifts and skills and that's probably mine. I'm a photocopier whisperer.
I'm always talking to inanimate objects now I think about it. Earlier today, I put my coffee mug in the dishwasher at work and didn't realise it was already running so when I opened the dishwasher door, water squirted out at me and I said, "oh sorry!" before quickly closing the door. I apologised to the dishwasher - like I was sorry I had interrupted it. I've also apologised to my own reflection. I once walked into a mirror that I didn't realise was a mirror and said sorry to myself before getting on with my day. And these things all happened when I was sober. Sometimes I wonder whether I was always a bit kooky and maybe that predisposed me to addiction. Now I'm not drinking I need to learn to accept the kookiness and maybe somehow embrace it. Who wants to be just like everyone else anyway?
I'm also thinking that maybe I was an addict even before I started drinking. When I look back to the years before I started drinking, I can see that I already had an "all or nothing" type personality. I remember staying up all night to study for tests, it was like I was addicted to getting the best grades. And the thing was, neither of my parents cared what grades I got. They did the best they could but neither of them showed any interest in my school life. It's like there was something inside me that made me study and study until I made myself ill. And this was when I was like 6 or 7 years old. I wonder why I was like it. I wonder whether I was just born that way. Good news is, none of my kids seem to have that particular quirk - it's a nightmare trying to get them to do any homework!!
Got my first session with cognitive behavioural therapist tomorrow. My first ever experience of therapy and I don't know what to expect or where to start. I think I'm just going to explain that I'm alcoholic and whilst I've no longer got any desire to drink, I do have a strong desire to understand why I drank like I did. I'm quite excited to start working on this, it feels like the right thing to do at this stage of my recovery. I'm interested to see how therapy works and how it affects me. I'm looking forward to it. Will tell you all how it goes.
Hope everyone is ok. Steely, how is your back now? Hope control freak neighbour is behaving. Poppy, hope you enjoy your last day of your break. It sounds like you've had a fantastic time. Plenny, hope you're ok. Love to you Ananda, hope you are recovering well and love as always to Kev and Dee. Speak soon xxxx
I'm always talking to inanimate objects now I think about it. Earlier today, I put my coffee mug in the dishwasher at work and didn't realise it was already running so when I opened the dishwasher door, water squirted out at me and I said, "oh sorry!" before quickly closing the door. I apologised to the dishwasher - like I was sorry I had interrupted it. I've also apologised to my own reflection. I once walked into a mirror that I didn't realise was a mirror and said sorry to myself before getting on with my day. And these things all happened when I was sober. Sometimes I wonder whether I was always a bit kooky and maybe that predisposed me to addiction. Now I'm not drinking I need to learn to accept the kookiness and maybe somehow embrace it. Who wants to be just like everyone else anyway?
I'm also thinking that maybe I was an addict even before I started drinking. When I look back to the years before I started drinking, I can see that I already had an "all or nothing" type personality. I remember staying up all night to study for tests, it was like I was addicted to getting the best grades. And the thing was, neither of my parents cared what grades I got. They did the best they could but neither of them showed any interest in my school life. It's like there was something inside me that made me study and study until I made myself ill. And this was when I was like 6 or 7 years old. I wonder why I was like it. I wonder whether I was just born that way. Good news is, none of my kids seem to have that particular quirk - it's a nightmare trying to get them to do any homework!!
Got my first session with cognitive behavioural therapist tomorrow. My first ever experience of therapy and I don't know what to expect or where to start. I think I'm just going to explain that I'm alcoholic and whilst I've no longer got any desire to drink, I do have a strong desire to understand why I drank like I did. I'm quite excited to start working on this, it feels like the right thing to do at this stage of my recovery. I'm interested to see how therapy works and how it affects me. I'm looking forward to it. Will tell you all how it goes.
Hope everyone is ok. Steely, how is your back now? Hope control freak neighbour is behaving. Poppy, hope you enjoy your last day of your break. It sounds like you've had a fantastic time. Plenny, hope you're ok. Love to you Ananda, hope you are recovering well and love as always to Kev and Dee. Speak soon xxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,549
Hate it when someone leaves the photocopier jammed kenton, it's really annoying.
Excited for you with upcoming encounter with CBT. Interesting and good, and hope it goes really well and you find what you seek.
My back is still really hurting and unable to do very much at all in terms of unpacking and getting organised. Feeling really ripped off Buddha in that I fell at the last hurdle, metaphorically speaking.
Whatcha got to say about that Bud?
. Remind me of the Empty Mirror?
Again, and repetitively, no such thing as justice, only poetic justice.
Trying to take it really slowly and not give a tinker's cuss about disarray, and the bloody washing machine must have been damaged in the move and leaking everywhere. I'm afraid of electricity as have seen too many apprentices get fried. Electricity and water not a good combo.
I don't have an AV howling at me, don't give a tinkers cuss about alcohol either, maybe there is a 'natural' resolution with age in some people? Who knows, just don't want, or care to drink. It's a drag, and it's a bore.
Don't mistake me, I respect the power that it can hold over me if I let it. And that can change too, I know, and I dont think I've got the inside rails run on the mongrel, believe me.
Need to slowly do a bit of work around here as have had to hire a couple of blokes to move stuff within the f,at and need to give them access.
Hope everyone is doing well and hey Nands, you never finished up telling the joke about the chicken and the car. Does it have to do with the Mac truck that hit Steely?
Love to all.
Excited for you with upcoming encounter with CBT. Interesting and good, and hope it goes really well and you find what you seek.
My back is still really hurting and unable to do very much at all in terms of unpacking and getting organised. Feeling really ripped off Buddha in that I fell at the last hurdle, metaphorically speaking.
Whatcha got to say about that Bud?
. Remind me of the Empty Mirror?Again, and repetitively, no such thing as justice, only poetic justice.
Trying to take it really slowly and not give a tinker's cuss about disarray, and the bloody washing machine must have been damaged in the move and leaking everywhere. I'm afraid of electricity as have seen too many apprentices get fried. Electricity and water not a good combo.
I don't have an AV howling at me, don't give a tinkers cuss about alcohol either, maybe there is a 'natural' resolution with age in some people? Who knows, just don't want, or care to drink. It's a drag, and it's a bore.
Don't mistake me, I respect the power that it can hold over me if I let it. And that can change too, I know, and I dont think I've got the inside rails run on the mongrel, believe me.
Need to slowly do a bit of work around here as have had to hire a couple of blokes to move stuff within the f,at and need to give them access.
Hope everyone is doing well and hey Nands, you never finished up telling the joke about the chicken and the car. Does it have to do with the Mac truck that hit Steely?
Love to all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,549
Thanks Dee.
Nands, because I have been out of action do not know whether you are well or not? I understood it that all went went well for you with hospitalisation? Just haven't seen you around for a bit and thought maybe you were unwell?
It has been really difficult undertaking this move, a F'd back and a psycho neighbour as well as trying to stay connected here with SR and the Nobenders.
I do trust that people will understand my predicament and not see me as self centred and selfish, disinterested I'm not, I just need time to recover and repair. Had I been drinking I'd be six feet under.
Watching the news at the moment and there is a landmark case being undertaken (here) against Aristocrat and Crown poker machine manufacturers for misleading and unconscionable conduct. The weighting of the odds. They disgust me.
I do not have a problem with gambling thank goodness but have seen a lot of people lose the lot
and really hope this case finds legs.
Nands, because I have been out of action do not know whether you are well or not? I understood it that all went went well for you with hospitalisation? Just haven't seen you around for a bit and thought maybe you were unwell?
It has been really difficult undertaking this move, a F'd back and a psycho neighbour as well as trying to stay connected here with SR and the Nobenders.
I do trust that people will understand my predicament and not see me as self centred and selfish, disinterested I'm not, I just need time to recover and repair. Had I been drinking I'd be six feet under.
Watching the news at the moment and there is a landmark case being undertaken (here) against Aristocrat and Crown poker machine manufacturers for misleading and unconscionable conduct. The weighting of the odds. They disgust me.
I do not have a problem with gambling thank goodness but have seen a lot of people lose the lot
and really hope this case finds legs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
Hello nobenders!
I'm back from Greece. Still sober. But the last days of the holiday were horrible. On the outside everything was absolutely wonderful. Perfect weather, the loveliest little town and beach. Clear water, nice food. But on the inside i was busy ruining it all for myself.
I started looking at alcoholism not as the drinking (which was my way to self medicate my disease) but as a disease of the mind. A mind that keeps me telling that everything is bad in life. I'm not worthy, others are not good enough or way better than me, can't be trusted, will hurt me,... constantly judging everything and everyone. A negative narrator that puts my whole life in a bad light. When I drank it would silent that narrator for a while but alcohol wasn't a good solution to treat it of course. What helps me treating that disease is meditation, reality checks of my thinking / saying my thoughts out loud/ writing them down, listening to AA speaker tapes, praying, reading the BB, going to meetings, connecting with a god or HP.
Well as you can imagine, I did rarely do any of that while I was on holiday. And like with any chronic disease, if you don't treat it, it gets worse again.
So my brain obsessed with the thought of me not being good enough. I wasn't as nicely tanned as the others on the beach, not trained enough, my face isn't pretty enough, I'm not entertaining enough, sexy enough for my boyfriend. He sure fancies all the other women more than me. Then it went on telling me that he'd much rather be on holiday with any of the girls he was seeing before me and that he just is with me cause it didn't work out with them. But that they were all more fun than me.
I felt so horrible, so unloved and was internally even pissed off with my BF sometimes because of that thinking. It's insane.
Now that I'm back I still struggle with it. Every time someone or something makes me happy (and the first 2/3 of our holiday my BF and me were very happy together) my disease wants to pull me away from it. I still am in "I will start a fight about something he cannot win / change and try to proof him that he cannot possibly truly love me" mode.
It makes me so sad that I'm thinking this way. But at least these days I know where the thoughts are coming from and that it's not real. Like there's no real problem in the way he treats me. It's just my disease being active.
A year ago I would've dug out any old thing from the past like "you moved in with your ex after 3 months of dating her, we still don't live together!! You loved her way more than you love me! Why don't you wanna live with me?!?" Or "you've dated a girl from Brazil before, you sure must like exotic looking girls way more than me, why do you even date me? I look so boring and normal! You don't really fancy me!!!"
Of course like any person in their right minds my BF would've told me I'm unreasonable and why I don't believe him and gotten angry with me. Then I would've taken that as further proof that he indeed doesn't like me....
Now at least I'm able to distinguish between a real problem and one that's been made up by my alcoholic brain.
A real problem for me was that on our way back to the airport he had some sort of silent panic attack and had to take benzodiazepines. It was all in his head, no real problem on the outside. We were in the taxi, having plenty of time left, already checked in, bags packed, liquids in a separate bag, everything prepared for the flight. But he lost it completely, worrying about work, about the flight, about what might happen if the flight is delayed or if the gate will be changed spontaneously,.. all that insanity. Total overthinking until he couldn't handle it anymore. So instead of sitting in the car, enjoying the last views of Athens and talking about the highlights of our holiday he tortured himself internally until he had to take drugs.
Now I know he's very responsible with taking them, only doing so when he feels like he really can't handle it otherwise. But what I disliked very much and what makes me worry is the fact that there was absolutely no 'real' reason to freak out and he did it anyway. I mean he's the man I'm considering having children with some day. But if he already freaks out because of nothing, what would happen if there was an actual reason to panic?
Arriving at the airport he promised to go to a therapist and meetings again when we're back. Of course now that's forgotten again... I'm also a bit sick of it. I feel like this is how it must be with an active drinker. Always regretful and promising to quit when **** hits the fan and then when it's a bit better again, all the promises are forgotten.
It's not even that I expect him to go to AA. I just want him to build his sobriety on more than drawing and running sometimes.
Sorry for the huge rant, but I have to get it off my chest and i can't share that in a meeting cause so many people in AA know him too and I don't want to tell everyone about him taking the benzos.
Other than that my foot is still broken and it's not getting any better. The doc said it'll probably take around a year to heal and for that long I'll experience pain. It's a rare case that this tiny bone breaks so there's not much information about it available. I will go and see another doctor about it, just to get a second opinion.
I had pain everyday for 3 months last summer because of kidney stones and surgery and now I have pain everyday in my foot for 3 months again already. I'm starting to feel a bit worn down and frustrated. No running of course. Even not much walking. And always pain.
One more thing, a positive one. I'm developing some sort of acceptance in life. My old roomie moved out this Saturday and the new girl who I wanted to rent out to came over, signed the contract, picked up the keys, I showed her around and we had a nice chat. She went to get her others bags and when she came back a few hours later she looked like she'd seen a ghost, telling me she had a panic attack and that she decided she can't stay in this city but needs to move back to Sweden. She almost cried and I made her a cuppa and asked her to sit down and have a chat with me. I think I could relate to a lot of her fears (she's a total control freak) and tried to give her some advice but also said that I can understand and used to think in the same way. I told her not to stress about the contract and that I will find someone else for sure. When she went she seemed to feel a lot lighter and she thanked me for handling it in such a nice way.
When I told my friend about this situation later, she said I should've taken at least some money from that girl. Cause a signed contract is a signed contract and for all the trouble she caused and cause I could really use the money.
That made me realise how that would've been my default reaction. Holding on to my expectations, feeling like a victim, trying to get my will (like trying to manipulate her, talking her into staying) and to please my fearful and hurt ego.
But when it happened I suddenly wasn't focused on myself and my will. I was focused on the situation. On what actually can be changed and what cannot. Like I am powerless over her decision. But I have the power to try and make this situation and nice as possible. I can treat her the way I would've liked to be treated. And by doing so I felt like a truly good person and it's moments like this when I start liking myself for who I am becoming. I don't have to be a fearful, greedy person. I can be understanding and caring instead. And it left me feeling so much better than trying to get my will by pressing some money out of that poor girl.
I could've really used that money though so fingers crossed I'll find someone else soon. On holiday I tried to take a 500€ out of the ATM but the money didn't come out of it. The slot opened but it seemed to be stuck. I called the bank immediately and they said it'll probably not be withdrawn from my account but in case it will, I have to fill in a form, stating that I didn't get it, then they will investigate in my case and I might get a refund but it takes a couple of months. Unfortunately it got withdrawn from my account so I will send in that paper today and hope for the best. It's a lot of money for me and not knowing weather I have it or not is a bit scary.
Thanks for reading and also for asking how I was doing. I'm going back to read how all of you are doing and have a cup of tea.
Lots of love xxx
I'm back from Greece. Still sober. But the last days of the holiday were horrible. On the outside everything was absolutely wonderful. Perfect weather, the loveliest little town and beach. Clear water, nice food. But on the inside i was busy ruining it all for myself.
I started looking at alcoholism not as the drinking (which was my way to self medicate my disease) but as a disease of the mind. A mind that keeps me telling that everything is bad in life. I'm not worthy, others are not good enough or way better than me, can't be trusted, will hurt me,... constantly judging everything and everyone. A negative narrator that puts my whole life in a bad light. When I drank it would silent that narrator for a while but alcohol wasn't a good solution to treat it of course. What helps me treating that disease is meditation, reality checks of my thinking / saying my thoughts out loud/ writing them down, listening to AA speaker tapes, praying, reading the BB, going to meetings, connecting with a god or HP.
Well as you can imagine, I did rarely do any of that while I was on holiday. And like with any chronic disease, if you don't treat it, it gets worse again.
So my brain obsessed with the thought of me not being good enough. I wasn't as nicely tanned as the others on the beach, not trained enough, my face isn't pretty enough, I'm not entertaining enough, sexy enough for my boyfriend. He sure fancies all the other women more than me. Then it went on telling me that he'd much rather be on holiday with any of the girls he was seeing before me and that he just is with me cause it didn't work out with them. But that they were all more fun than me.
I felt so horrible, so unloved and was internally even pissed off with my BF sometimes because of that thinking. It's insane.
Now that I'm back I still struggle with it. Every time someone or something makes me happy (and the first 2/3 of our holiday my BF and me were very happy together) my disease wants to pull me away from it. I still am in "I will start a fight about something he cannot win / change and try to proof him that he cannot possibly truly love me" mode.
It makes me so sad that I'm thinking this way. But at least these days I know where the thoughts are coming from and that it's not real. Like there's no real problem in the way he treats me. It's just my disease being active.
A year ago I would've dug out any old thing from the past like "you moved in with your ex after 3 months of dating her, we still don't live together!! You loved her way more than you love me! Why don't you wanna live with me?!?" Or "you've dated a girl from Brazil before, you sure must like exotic looking girls way more than me, why do you even date me? I look so boring and normal! You don't really fancy me!!!"
Of course like any person in their right minds my BF would've told me I'm unreasonable and why I don't believe him and gotten angry with me. Then I would've taken that as further proof that he indeed doesn't like me....
Now at least I'm able to distinguish between a real problem and one that's been made up by my alcoholic brain.
A real problem for me was that on our way back to the airport he had some sort of silent panic attack and had to take benzodiazepines. It was all in his head, no real problem on the outside. We were in the taxi, having plenty of time left, already checked in, bags packed, liquids in a separate bag, everything prepared for the flight. But he lost it completely, worrying about work, about the flight, about what might happen if the flight is delayed or if the gate will be changed spontaneously,.. all that insanity. Total overthinking until he couldn't handle it anymore. So instead of sitting in the car, enjoying the last views of Athens and talking about the highlights of our holiday he tortured himself internally until he had to take drugs.
Now I know he's very responsible with taking them, only doing so when he feels like he really can't handle it otherwise. But what I disliked very much and what makes me worry is the fact that there was absolutely no 'real' reason to freak out and he did it anyway. I mean he's the man I'm considering having children with some day. But if he already freaks out because of nothing, what would happen if there was an actual reason to panic?
Arriving at the airport he promised to go to a therapist and meetings again when we're back. Of course now that's forgotten again... I'm also a bit sick of it. I feel like this is how it must be with an active drinker. Always regretful and promising to quit when **** hits the fan and then when it's a bit better again, all the promises are forgotten.
It's not even that I expect him to go to AA. I just want him to build his sobriety on more than drawing and running sometimes.
Sorry for the huge rant, but I have to get it off my chest and i can't share that in a meeting cause so many people in AA know him too and I don't want to tell everyone about him taking the benzos.
Other than that my foot is still broken and it's not getting any better. The doc said it'll probably take around a year to heal and for that long I'll experience pain. It's a rare case that this tiny bone breaks so there's not much information about it available. I will go and see another doctor about it, just to get a second opinion.
I had pain everyday for 3 months last summer because of kidney stones and surgery and now I have pain everyday in my foot for 3 months again already. I'm starting to feel a bit worn down and frustrated. No running of course. Even not much walking. And always pain.
One more thing, a positive one. I'm developing some sort of acceptance in life. My old roomie moved out this Saturday and the new girl who I wanted to rent out to came over, signed the contract, picked up the keys, I showed her around and we had a nice chat. She went to get her others bags and when she came back a few hours later she looked like she'd seen a ghost, telling me she had a panic attack and that she decided she can't stay in this city but needs to move back to Sweden. She almost cried and I made her a cuppa and asked her to sit down and have a chat with me. I think I could relate to a lot of her fears (she's a total control freak) and tried to give her some advice but also said that I can understand and used to think in the same way. I told her not to stress about the contract and that I will find someone else for sure. When she went she seemed to feel a lot lighter and she thanked me for handling it in such a nice way.
When I told my friend about this situation later, she said I should've taken at least some money from that girl. Cause a signed contract is a signed contract and for all the trouble she caused and cause I could really use the money.
That made me realise how that would've been my default reaction. Holding on to my expectations, feeling like a victim, trying to get my will (like trying to manipulate her, talking her into staying) and to please my fearful and hurt ego.
But when it happened I suddenly wasn't focused on myself and my will. I was focused on the situation. On what actually can be changed and what cannot. Like I am powerless over her decision. But I have the power to try and make this situation and nice as possible. I can treat her the way I would've liked to be treated. And by doing so I felt like a truly good person and it's moments like this when I start liking myself for who I am becoming. I don't have to be a fearful, greedy person. I can be understanding and caring instead. And it left me feeling so much better than trying to get my will by pressing some money out of that poor girl.
I could've really used that money though so fingers crossed I'll find someone else soon. On holiday I tried to take a 500€ out of the ATM but the money didn't come out of it. The slot opened but it seemed to be stuck. I called the bank immediately and they said it'll probably not be withdrawn from my account but in case it will, I have to fill in a form, stating that I didn't get it, then they will investigate in my case and I might get a refund but it takes a couple of months. Unfortunately it got withdrawn from my account so I will send in that paper today and hope for the best. It's a lot of money for me and not knowing weather I have it or not is a bit scary.
Thanks for reading and also for asking how I was doing. I'm going back to read how all of you are doing and have a cup of tea.
Lots of love xxx
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Hi Kev
I've always said my problems not alcohol or pot they're were just the things I used as self medication, and if I'm honest, I used them to avoid dealing with things.
It was rough having to face those things, and deal with them, and to force myself to write new inside voice monologues but I did.
I needed a new outlook for a new life and part of that was dumping old seklf image things - some I adopted but many more that were forced upon me.
Not poisoning myself with beer and whatever else helped a lot too.
It is a big undertaking, and it will take a little time and effort, and a little courage but if I can do it anyone can
D
I've always said my problems not alcohol or pot they're were just the things I used as self medication, and if I'm honest, I used them to avoid dealing with things.
It was rough having to face those things, and deal with them, and to force myself to write new inside voice monologues but I did.
I needed a new outlook for a new life and part of that was dumping old seklf image things - some I adopted but many more that were forced upon me.
Not poisoning myself with beer and whatever else helped a lot too.
It is a big undertaking, and it will take a little time and effort, and a little courage but if I can do it anyone can
D
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Hey Kev, I saw a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist earlier today and she said something very similar to what Dee said. She said my alcohol abuse was a coping strategy for a very unhelpful core belief I had developed about myself - my belief that I am worthless.
It's that belief that is the real problem. I drank because I feel worthless. I worry excessively about something bad happening to my kids because I feel worthless and don't think I deserve them. I get over sensitive and beat myself up with negative thoughts because I feel worthless.
She said it doesn't matter why I formed this core belief. What matters is that I entered adulthood believing myself to be worthless and the belief is now fairly entrenched. But that doesn't mean I can't challenge it. She said that with work I can start to alter this core belief. It's going to take time but what have I got to lose?
I went into the therapy session expecting to shock her with all my stories about secret drinking, blackouts etc etc. She didn't look shocked. She looked like she'd heard it many times before. Once I told her I'd been sober for 10 months and was committed to sobriety she said that we didn't really need to talk about alcohol anymore. She made me realise that alcohol was never the real problem - it was just masking the true problem. The way I feel and think about myself is the problem. But it's a problem I can fix.
I mention all this because there's things in your post that I was more or less saying in the therapy session earlier. Your feelings of not being good enough, comparing yourself to others..... it's identical to my thought patterns. With so much negative self-talk, no wonder I drank to shut up the internal voice.
But we're so lucky Kev because we get to see alcohol for what it truly is. A coping mechanism but a really dangerous one; one that can kill. We're so lucky to realise that we don't need alcohol to cope anymore. We can fix the real problem. I don't think it's going to be easy but then nothing worthwhile ever is. And I can't think of anything more worthwhile than recovering from addiction.
Not sure if any of that made sense. My kids have been back at school for 5 days and I've already got a sickness bug. None of my kids are ill but I swear I catch every bug going around that playground. And I'm only in the playground for 15 minutes every day. This year I must have caught about 6 sickness bugs off random kids. So I'm feeling a bit queasy and head-spinney and not really sure what I'm typing but I wanted to respond Kev because I think we have a lot of the same thought patterns and I feel so encouraged that we don't have to be stuck with unhelpful thought patterns for the rest of time.
Steely, I'm so sorry your back is still painful. You are not in the least selfish or self-centred. I wish I could pop round and unpack some boxes for you. If I could I would. And I'd use my best Queen's English to tell control freak neighbour to rack off. Going to go now and try to fall asleep because sleeping is better than feeling sick. Hope everyone is doing ok. Thanks for wishing me luck for today Dee, it went very well. And I've got CBT homework! I'm so excited. I'm going to get a special CBT folder and everything. I'm such a nerd. Hope to hear from everyone soon xxxx
It's that belief that is the real problem. I drank because I feel worthless. I worry excessively about something bad happening to my kids because I feel worthless and don't think I deserve them. I get over sensitive and beat myself up with negative thoughts because I feel worthless.
She said it doesn't matter why I formed this core belief. What matters is that I entered adulthood believing myself to be worthless and the belief is now fairly entrenched. But that doesn't mean I can't challenge it. She said that with work I can start to alter this core belief. It's going to take time but what have I got to lose?
I went into the therapy session expecting to shock her with all my stories about secret drinking, blackouts etc etc. She didn't look shocked. She looked like she'd heard it many times before. Once I told her I'd been sober for 10 months and was committed to sobriety she said that we didn't really need to talk about alcohol anymore. She made me realise that alcohol was never the real problem - it was just masking the true problem. The way I feel and think about myself is the problem. But it's a problem I can fix.
I mention all this because there's things in your post that I was more or less saying in the therapy session earlier. Your feelings of not being good enough, comparing yourself to others..... it's identical to my thought patterns. With so much negative self-talk, no wonder I drank to shut up the internal voice.
But we're so lucky Kev because we get to see alcohol for what it truly is. A coping mechanism but a really dangerous one; one that can kill. We're so lucky to realise that we don't need alcohol to cope anymore. We can fix the real problem. I don't think it's going to be easy but then nothing worthwhile ever is. And I can't think of anything more worthwhile than recovering from addiction.
Not sure if any of that made sense. My kids have been back at school for 5 days and I've already got a sickness bug. None of my kids are ill but I swear I catch every bug going around that playground. And I'm only in the playground for 15 minutes every day. This year I must have caught about 6 sickness bugs off random kids. So I'm feeling a bit queasy and head-spinney and not really sure what I'm typing but I wanted to respond Kev because I think we have a lot of the same thought patterns and I feel so encouraged that we don't have to be stuck with unhelpful thought patterns for the rest of time.
Steely, I'm so sorry your back is still painful. You are not in the least selfish or self-centred. I wish I could pop round and unpack some boxes for you. If I could I would. And I'd use my best Queen's English to tell control freak neighbour to rack off. Going to go now and try to fall asleep because sleeping is better than feeling sick. Hope everyone is doing ok. Thanks for wishing me luck for today Dee, it went very well. And I've got CBT homework! I'm so excited. I'm going to get a special CBT folder and everything. I'm such a nerd. Hope to hear from everyone soon xxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,549
Welcome back kev and glad that for the most part your holiday was a good one. The Greek Islands have always been a travel fantasy of mine.
Please don't read this as a negative kev only trying to help, lend light, but couldn't help but draw comparisons between your own inner dialogue and that of your boyfriend.
On the one hand you can see that his fears were not based in reality and it makes you cranky, yet this is exactly how it is for you and your own core beliefs. Not pretty enough, not interesting enough, unloveable, unworthy, etc.
You are all of these things kev. and besides, such things are external our internal world being the true barometer. Remaining sober, attending AA, meditation, and all of the positive things you are doing for yourself will lead you to this understanding. Guru Steely knows nothing.
It takes time to change our core beliefs kev and definitely not possible for us to change the self belief systems of others, this is an individual endeavour and believe that outside of honest and open dialogue with your boyfriend, concentrating on your own recovery the only way to go.
Both of you seem to have a lot in common and this commonality might be exactly what has you help each other rather than getting cranky and frustrated. Good sobriety and time is the key kev. And it's really natural to want everything fixed at once. Problem is it just don't work. Oh, gloom.
Maybe I'm off track, and if so please forgive me.
Same, same with ATM. The bloody thing did not deliver and I really needed the money too. You did well with the Swedish roommate. Feel good about breaking the contract, I would have done the same. Money, money, don't get you too far. You are generous and kind.
Relate entirely to your being in pain. My back in similar. I'm actually quite worried about the level of pain I am in and am setting an appointment with my old doctor (I have moved house) as will not be able to function if it continues. It goes into spasm and excruciating. A woman alone. But a woman sober.
Before I lose this post wanted to add kenton that it occurred to me that my reference to the "empty mirror" and might have been misinterpreted.
You were talking about mirrors which may have triggered my use of the phrase but definitely not in reference to anything you were describing about yourself. I'm sensitive to stuff like that, and didn't want you to misread me. I have the greatest respect for you kenton.
I'm going to make that cup of tea now.
My love to all xxxx
Please don't read this as a negative kev only trying to help, lend light, but couldn't help but draw comparisons between your own inner dialogue and that of your boyfriend.
On the one hand you can see that his fears were not based in reality and it makes you cranky, yet this is exactly how it is for you and your own core beliefs. Not pretty enough, not interesting enough, unloveable, unworthy, etc.
You are all of these things kev. and besides, such things are external our internal world being the true barometer. Remaining sober, attending AA, meditation, and all of the positive things you are doing for yourself will lead you to this understanding. Guru Steely knows nothing.
It takes time to change our core beliefs kev and definitely not possible for us to change the self belief systems of others, this is an individual endeavour and believe that outside of honest and open dialogue with your boyfriend, concentrating on your own recovery the only way to go.
Both of you seem to have a lot in common and this commonality might be exactly what has you help each other rather than getting cranky and frustrated. Good sobriety and time is the key kev. And it's really natural to want everything fixed at once. Problem is it just don't work. Oh, gloom.
Maybe I'm off track, and if so please forgive me.
Same, same with ATM. The bloody thing did not deliver and I really needed the money too. You did well with the Swedish roommate. Feel good about breaking the contract, I would have done the same. Money, money, don't get you too far. You are generous and kind.
Relate entirely to your being in pain. My back in similar. I'm actually quite worried about the level of pain I am in and am setting an appointment with my old doctor (I have moved house) as will not be able to function if it continues. It goes into spasm and excruciating. A woman alone. But a woman sober.
Before I lose this post wanted to add kenton that it occurred to me that my reference to the "empty mirror" and
might have been misinterpreted. You were talking about mirrors which may have triggered my use of the phrase but definitely not in reference to anything you were describing about yourself. I'm sensitive to stuff like that, and didn't want you to misread me. I have the greatest respect for you kenton.
I'm going to make that cup of tea now.
My love to all xxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,549
Hi Kenton and kev,
I posted prior to you kenton then saw that your own had preceded mine (Time Zones?) and hope you didn't read my post as being too hard kev, if so, not so as I relate to everything you say.
Just wanted to say that I agree with everything kenton had to say.
Thanks too Kenton, this pain is awful. Spotted my idiot neighbour trawling through all of my discarded (neatly stacked) paraphernalia.
Hope I didn't leave those instructions on how to rack off a moronic control freak neighbour whose first initial is R.
I'm laughing through those tears. Boo hoo. Actually think my ability to laugh at everything might be a curse in that I don't feel worthy either. Even worthy of good pain management. Gotta change, and AM going to doctor again. I know for sure that Paracetamol won't cut it. Oh wo/man, this sucks.
As earlier, I am seeing the doctor I have established good rapport from my old address and was honest about my 'alcoholism'. Now I'm afraid he will be reluctant to prescribe me anything stronger, but truly, I need it.
One thing I do know for sure is if this thing is chronic I will still not drink.
I posted prior to you kenton then saw that your own had preceded mine (Time Zones?) and hope you didn't read my post as being too hard kev, if so, not so
as I relate to everything you say. Just wanted to say that I agree with everything kenton had to say.
Thanks too Kenton, this pain is awful. Spotted my idiot neighbour trawling through all of my discarded (neatly stacked) paraphernalia.
Hope I didn't leave those instructions on how to rack off a moronic control freak neighbour whose first initial is R.
I'm laughing through those tears. Boo hoo. Actually think my ability to laugh at everything might be a curse in that I don't feel worthy either. Even worthy of good pain management. Gotta change, and AM going to doctor again. I know for sure that Paracetamol won't cut it. Oh wo/man, this sucks.
As earlier, I am seeing the doctor I have established good rapport from my old address and was honest about my 'alcoholism'. Now I'm afraid he will be reluctant to prescribe me anything stronger, but truly, I need it.
One thing I do know for sure is if this thing is chronic I will still not drink.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,549
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