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Class of November 2016 Support Thread Part 11

Old 08-19-2017, 09:24 AM
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Hello all, Kenton so glad your dog is home! 2 hours into a 12 hour shift,, thankfully its my friday.

As I said earlier my house is smack in the middle of the 100% totality of the eclipse, it will be here around 10:30 am mtn time, so hubby and are just pulling the chairs into the back yard and enjoying the view. We are going to keep the dogs in the house though, because one of them loves to run around the yard with her head up, chasing birds that sit 50 feet above tormenting her. I could just see her burning her retinas out on her bird harassment mission.

My AV is really chirping at me, annoying creature....

Good luck with your move Steely, keep those boxes labeled!

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Old 08-19-2017, 11:15 AM
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Thanks Steely, I have been trying to think of it as leading by example a lot.... why is it so hard? I guess I am codependent. But conscious and trying. I am hoping he will see it is possible for us to have a good life sober. I'm not sure what he wants at this point. I think he just has tunnel vision. I think he is stressed out and just wants to drink. Even though it really mucks up his progress as a person. I think he still thinks he may be able to learn how to be a functioning alcoholic. I'm really hoping seeing his mother may help. I feel as if I really have no room to tell him what to do or intervene. I really don't. I'm just a baby myself. But I have been vocal. Yesterday I told him that this is a really important time for him and I know he is so much more productive and clear headed and thrifty when he is sober. I told him that I am 100% on his side and he is my best friend. I don't think I can do more than that.

Kenton, that's a wonderful thing to do, talking with someone who may be lonely. Yeah food and service is my language when it comes to taking care of people I guess. I always tried with my mother to cook for her, but she hated me being in her kitchen. She rolled her eyes when I made her special dinners. But enough other people in my life enjoyed my cooking that I made a life out of it for a good ten years. I am glad it's over on the professional level but I am glad I did it. And now I can just feed people I love

Well I woke up early, took a shower and lay down for a minute to read, and just fell right back asleep. R woke me up at about noon. I guess I needed it! I have things to do but, honestly all I really want to do is read and fall asleep again.

Good luck Steely, Poppy and Nands! Congrats on the doggy being well Kenton.
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Old 08-19-2017, 11:16 AM
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Badge, enjoy that eclipse! I'll be working, I wonder what will happen here in Louisiana, I haven't really paid attention to the course of the shadow...
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Old 08-20-2017, 04:13 PM
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Super stoked the your dog is okay Kenton. Makes me v v happy.
Bride is back at work today so I'm a wee bit anxious about 'catching up'. First world problem though and I am not going to dwell on it.
I am also going to look into volunteer work. I think it could be very good for my mental happiness.
Have a great day all xoxo
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Old 08-20-2017, 04:21 PM
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you too Poppy

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Old 08-20-2017, 09:24 PM
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Trying so very very hard to practice mindfulness tonight. Trying so so so hard. Trying to forgive, trying to escape my own mind. Struggling a lot right now. Can't seem to escape panic. Still can't afford therapy. I need help and I am suffocatingly alone.
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Old 08-20-2017, 09:42 PM
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I'm sorry you're struggling with that Plenny.
Do breathing exercises help?

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Old 08-20-2017, 09:42 PM
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I hope everything is going well with the move Steely

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Old 08-20-2017, 11:21 PM
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I'm sorry you're struggling Plenny. Like Dee said, breathing exercises can help and mindfulness of course. In particular the self compassion practices are useful when you're struggling with forgiveness. I understand the feeling of wanting to escape your own mind. I'm realising that that was what I was trying to do every time I reached for a drink. Now I'm trying to come to terms that there is no escaping this mind so I need to try to make it as nice a place as possible. Doesn't always work but mindfulness, gratitude and exercise help. The problem is sometimes my mind doesn't want to do mindfulness or be grateful or go for a run. It's like there's a gremlin in there that wants my mind to get so bad I'll turn back to booze. Gremlin, bad wolf, AV - whatever we want to call it, I guess we've all got that side to us. We just need to make sure it never starts to win. I'm thinking of you Plenny xxx

Love to everyone. Steely, I guess you must be in your new home now?? Hope move went well. Nands, good luck with the surgery this week.

Poppy, hope all goes well with catching up with your bride boss. That sounds odd. You know what I mean??!!

Just a quick visit today because I have to be in work early. Hope everyone has or had a great day xxxx
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Old 08-20-2017, 11:27 PM
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Te anxiety is too much I'm in and out of it very rapidly very irrational. I do not like who I am during these times and I can not control

I forget about breathing because when I am having an episode I am not me. The person I become does not breathe, does not care. Fighting this very hard tonight
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Old 08-21-2017, 12:42 AM
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I think it's important in that case to do very normal mundane things - favorite music, food , TV programmes - even folding the laundtyry or sweeping the floor....

reassure yourself that although the panic response is real, the stimulus may not be?

Reassure yourself that life still goes on as normal as you will get through this and the anxiety will pass...

It works for me

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Old 08-21-2017, 05:16 AM
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I didn't make it through the night without a drink. Then things got worse and I couldn't breathe for hyperventilating. I have to go to work now. I really am exhausted. And I need to start over again
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Old 08-21-2017, 05:43 AM
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I will walk with you Plenny, together and with the rest of the nobenders, I know we can get and stay sober.

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Old 08-21-2017, 12:03 PM
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Plenny, try not to beat yourself up for having a drink. Easier said than done I know, but you are a fighter and this battle is bloody hard at times.
When I slipped, someone on here told me to look it at like this.... I've had 260 wins and 1 or 2 losses. That's pretty epic.
You have had some serious sober time under your belt, you can get more, much more. Be kind to yourself.
Have you thought of seeing your doc about possible meds for your anxiety and panic attacks? I take Valium when I start to feel anxious. Helps me a lot.
Be strong hun. xx
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Old 08-21-2017, 12:05 PM
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Bride boss does sound odd Kenton lol. We call ourselves work wives haha.
Yesterday was good, I haven't had the chat yet. Will wait for the right time, if the right time comes. I'm slowly getting over it.
Got more important things to worry my little brain about.
Hoping everyone had a great day free of poison xx
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Old 08-21-2017, 01:10 PM
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Sorry meant to say "hoping everyone HAS a great day"
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Old 08-21-2017, 03:35 PM
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I'm glad you made it back Plenny.

I think dealing with those episodes in a healthy way is something I'd look at when you feel up to it.

I forget about breathing because when I am having an episode I am not me. The person I become does not breathe, does not care. Fighting this very hard tonight
It may not seem like you at the time, but its you who ends up paying for it, which doesn't seem right or fair to me.

Maybe you need to find ways to assert your 'you-ness' when those things happen?

Have you had any counselling on this?

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Old 08-21-2017, 04:52 PM
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Hi all, yes i'm paying for it today in a way. I didn't drink much. I skipped out and found an open bar, had a glass of awful wine. Did NOT feel better. Of course.

I've never suffered from physical withdrawals, it's always been the psychological noise. So crazy making!!

Dee, your advice about doing mundane things was very helpful. I went back to grocery shopping and planning recipes.

As far as breathing goes, I just struggle with that so much. I must have tried two-in-four-out breaths for an hour! I also held my breath a lot. Ha.

There's a lot of issues with me financially and medical care. I can't afford to get it just yet. The OTHER issue with anxiety meds is, I am an addict. I find something that eases my pain and it becomes my favorite shiny thing and my crutch and my best friend. When I was younger, I was horribly addicted to xanax. Other pills followed. It was so wonderful to experience the quiet and the attention span and the focus and calm etc. I ended up on vicodin and oxy and it's a chapter of my life I refuse to revisit. So medication is a very slippery slope.

I'm trying to stay clean and natural and herbal and do my yoga. Nothing seems to be able to quench an attack here and there.

I'm not saying it's ok I had wine, but I am impressed that I didn't go into a full blown binge. I feel like I capped it off and got myself through the awful night. That's new. It was unpleasant enough to remind me that I am not a one glass kind of gal, though. It was a struggle and not pleasurable in that romantic way you think drinking again will be. It's pretty much the same! Lame!

I do not do well with guilt. I rebel and lash out. So, I am trying to avoid that feeling....

I'm still here.

Thank you for your comfort and support, all of you
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Old 08-21-2017, 06:01 PM
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Dee, about counseling, I haven't been able to fit that in my budget either still. I would really like some therapy I really believe in it and I miss it.
Here, with my income 'looking' the way it does on paper, I wouldn't qualify for affordable therapy. The problem is here, they only look at your income, not your individual financial issues and what you have left over after your expenses. I'm still in the same old catch-22
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Old 08-21-2017, 06:03 PM
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Yeah I'm sorry about that Plenny

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