Class of April 2015 Part 13
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Happy birthday buddy!
It's a classic time to get introspective and Philosophical, right? Much better time than hitting major cross roads like when you realize you're an addict.
When I hit my most recent cross roads, the biggest question I was looking to answer is "Who am I"? It's lead to the verge of an awakening. Mind blowing stuff.
It's good of you to see what's going on with your work ethic as this will lead to a new version of you. You first ask "for what", then you'll as "now what?". That's where the magic happens.
Sorry to hear the brother mess hasn't been cleaned up yet. Does this mean you're not expecting a birthday card from him?
It's a classic time to get introspective and Philosophical, right? Much better time than hitting major cross roads like when you realize you're an addict.
When I hit my most recent cross roads, the biggest question I was looking to answer is "Who am I"? It's lead to the verge of an awakening. Mind blowing stuff.
It's good of you to see what's going on with your work ethic as this will lead to a new version of you. You first ask "for what", then you'll as "now what?". That's where the magic happens.
Sorry to hear the brother mess hasn't been cleaned up yet. Does this mean you're not expecting a birthday card from him?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
Thanks for the felicitations, guys. Turned out to be a quiet one. We had decided to watch a movie together as a family, but the router at home went down and having spent an hour trying to fix it (to no avail @#**#), the best part of the evening was gone. Still, nice to hear from some old friends and I also received a few thoughtful gifts. Some friends are coming round today so I'll consider that part 2!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
So something I've been exploring is a spiritual awakening and it's been very interesting to say the least.
Meditation is a big factor. The idea is to quiet the mind and get to the silence space and explore that area. Basically letting it present itself to you.
When doing this, you see ego for the big fat lie that it is. Ego just dissapates. From there, you can rebuild the ego to what you want. It's simply a story made up of Thoughts.
I'd say the biggest obstacle I've had to overcome is regret. That was a huge issue for me. Almost unbearable. Literally made me suicidal at times. No more.
I am actually happy to have the experiences I've had, otherwise I would never have began a journey to find myself. Specifically that version of self that's behind the ego.
I've learned this space is where everything is.... Is. It's "isness". A vibration, or an energy,.
Most recently i learned how we take away this energy source.... This isness from things as early as when we learn to speak.
Take a tree for example. What is a tree? What energy does it have? Wha "vibe" do they give off. What do they represent? A lot in my mind: Strength, stability, even beautiful. How about Peace or life itself? Prosperity, Growth, Determination, and patience. Man... I could go on for days. Oh... How about family!
Well all that goes away when we look at a tree and call it a tree. Everything is lost. No more energy, no more vibe. It's just a tree.
This most recent lesson involves being more present. Really being in presence of everything around myself at any point in time. This can achieved by being with something and not naming it.
Like sitting under a tree. Just be with the tree, without naming it. Looking at it with an open and curious mind. Or better yet, not even looking at it and simply feeling it's presence.
Interesting stuff. Enlightening.
Meditation is a big factor. The idea is to quiet the mind and get to the silence space and explore that area. Basically letting it present itself to you.
When doing this, you see ego for the big fat lie that it is. Ego just dissapates. From there, you can rebuild the ego to what you want. It's simply a story made up of Thoughts.
I'd say the biggest obstacle I've had to overcome is regret. That was a huge issue for me. Almost unbearable. Literally made me suicidal at times. No more.
I am actually happy to have the experiences I've had, otherwise I would never have began a journey to find myself. Specifically that version of self that's behind the ego.
I've learned this space is where everything is.... Is. It's "isness". A vibration, or an energy,.
Most recently i learned how we take away this energy source.... This isness from things as early as when we learn to speak.
Take a tree for example. What is a tree? What energy does it have? Wha "vibe" do they give off. What do they represent? A lot in my mind: Strength, stability, even beautiful. How about Peace or life itself? Prosperity, Growth, Determination, and patience. Man... I could go on for days. Oh... How about family!
Well all that goes away when we look at a tree and call it a tree. Everything is lost. No more energy, no more vibe. It's just a tree.
This most recent lesson involves being more present. Really being in presence of everything around myself at any point in time. This can achieved by being with something and not naming it.
Like sitting under a tree. Just be with the tree, without naming it. Looking at it with an open and curious mind. Or better yet, not even looking at it and simply feeling it's presence.
Interesting stuff. Enlightening.
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,176
Hope things are going well with everyone. Very busy at work and home, but no drinking thoughts here. I am feeling as though I might be approaching a more normal life, one that is not dominated by constant thoughts of my addiction. I am going through each day like a regular person. I kind of like that!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
Originally Posted by stargazer016 
Hope things are going well with everyone. Very busy at work and home, but no drinking thoughts here. I am feeling as though I might be approaching a more normal life, one that is not dominated by constant thoughts of my addiction. I am going through each day like a regular person. I kind of like that!
Drinking thoughts are down to zero most of the time though a weird thing happened. I'm reading a book in which one of the characters is struggling with alcoholism. It's new year's eve and he lapses. The weird thing is that I felt happy for the character when that happened. I don't know why I would! Funny what the subconscious throws up!
I was thinking about what Inc said about how, by naming things, we devalue them. I think the art of good writing is about allowing readers to build their own image of a situation or scene. Language has a tendency to over simplify and thereby invalidate. Interesting.
Anyway, getting late here. Take care all!
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,176
I am glad that business is picking up a bit for you Amp. I can't imagine the stress of running one's own business. You must never have a "day off" even if you aren't physically at work.
I think by putting a name or a label on something, it becomes a mental shortcut that we use to not think as deeply about something. It may be a short term help, but a long term misuse.
Enjoy the day all!
I think by putting a name or a label on something, it becomes a mental shortcut that we use to not think as deeply about something. It may be a short term help, but a long term misuse.
Enjoy the day all!
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,176
Best wishes for a good weekend all. It's my daughter's birthday and we are hosting a family get together tomorrow. I actually took the weekend off. I know there won't be too many more birthdays with her living at home, so I plan to enjoy the time together with everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
Originally Posted by stargazer016
Best wishes for a good weekend all. It's my daughter's birthday and we are hosting a family get together tomorrow. I actually took the weekend off. I know there won't be too many more birthdays with her living at home, so I plan to enjoy the time together with everyone.
I can't believe how quickly my kids have grown. It seems like they're going to be small forever and the next minute...
So make the most of the moments!
Take care all!
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,176
Thanks Amp! The gathering went well. I was thinking to myself that both of my kids could be living across the country in six years. I am really trying to make the most out of the time I have with them. I wasted so many years together drunk and absent in their lives.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
Ohhh! I just lost a post I'd been writing and need to start again! It wasn't Shakespeare, but...
Anyway, I was talking about work and how I still don't know which way things are going to go. That's a lot of stress for me and I'm not sleeping well...
Yesterday I woke up after a drinking dream. That hadn't happened for a while. There was the usual relief and a little psychological cross examining trying to pin point just why my subconscious threw that particular gem at me! It's probably because there was a party at my house last night (my birthday recently and a couple of other friends' in the last two weeks). There was a little drinking (which I now don't mind at all). One girl got a little drunk. Maybe that's what sparked it. I hate remembering myself in similar situations!
The party broke up a little unexpectedly and I ended up on my own, clearing up at 2am. My wife got a call late saying a relative had passed away. They don't wait long for funerals here. It's on Monday at 12 midday about 800km away! She left with some friends who were heading back to town (we're out in the country house) to get the early train to Madrid today.
I'm here with my two kids and a friend of my daughter's. Need to think about how we're going to manage tomorrow with work, etc.
Thank God I don't drink anymore....
I can't remember how many times I've uttered that sentiment!!!
Take care, all!!
Anyway, I was talking about work and how I still don't know which way things are going to go. That's a lot of stress for me and I'm not sleeping well...
Yesterday I woke up after a drinking dream. That hadn't happened for a while. There was the usual relief and a little psychological cross examining trying to pin point just why my subconscious threw that particular gem at me! It's probably because there was a party at my house last night (my birthday recently and a couple of other friends' in the last two weeks). There was a little drinking (which I now don't mind at all). One girl got a little drunk. Maybe that's what sparked it. I hate remembering myself in similar situations!
The party broke up a little unexpectedly and I ended up on my own, clearing up at 2am. My wife got a call late saying a relative had passed away. They don't wait long for funerals here. It's on Monday at 12 midday about 800km away! She left with some friends who were heading back to town (we're out in the country house) to get the early train to Madrid today.
I'm here with my two kids and a friend of my daughter's. Need to think about how we're going to manage tomorrow with work, etc.
Thank God I don't drink anymore....
I can't remember how many times I've uttered that sentiment!!!
Take care, all!!
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,176
Sorry for your loss Amp.
I have been working until midnight and later all week then sleeping late in the morning. The physicality of this job can be a challenge at my age. I'm definitely sore this morning.
I hope your enrollment mets your business needs Amp. Do you have other plans for down the road if this venture isn't going to pan out long term?
I am sure that your drinking dreams were directly related to your party. I finally feel like I have entered a post drinking mentality now. I don't think about drinking or have remorse about not be able to drink now. I don't obsess about my addiction. I pretty much am living my life like the one third of adults whom don't drink. I certainly don't take things for granted, and continue to be grateful each day, but no longer do I dwell on it. It's pretty cool.
I hope that you were able to sort your Monday out.
Have a good day!
I have been working until midnight and later all week then sleeping late in the morning. The physicality of this job can be a challenge at my age. I'm definitely sore this morning.
I hope your enrollment mets your business needs Amp. Do you have other plans for down the road if this venture isn't going to pan out long term?
I am sure that your drinking dreams were directly related to your party. I finally feel like I have entered a post drinking mentality now. I don't think about drinking or have remorse about not be able to drink now. I don't obsess about my addiction. I pretty much am living my life like the one third of adults whom don't drink. I certainly don't take things for granted, and continue to be grateful each day, but no longer do I dwell on it. It's pretty cool.
I hope that you were able to sort your Monday out.
Have a good day!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Yeah... I can't wait for the day I have dreams of using again. I haven't had a drinking dream forever, but I assume that's due to kratom use.
Did I mention I was using phenibut for a while too? It's a legal anti-anxiety supplement that builds tolerance very fast. Hits Gaba like alcohol, but different.
Of course it's addictive and if course I had a habit going. That stopped a week ago thankfully. I am about done with WD (night sweats, chills, and anxiety).
I leveled kratom at 50% of norm while going through that, as well as Nicotine WD I went through a few weeks ago.
I have also reduced coffee down to 1 cup a day! That is amazing. My plan was to unload all the **** I put in my body to change my mood by the time I step off kratom.
Kratom is weird as it has over 40 alcaloids that effects several parts of the body and brain functions. Quitting it is hard as heck because it's like quitting pain killers, alcohol, speed, and anti depression meds at the same time.
Acute WD is brutal for 15days, followed by lingering acute for another 2wks of. Insomnia, pain, and poops. Them comes PAWS at a whole.new level never experienced before.
Although I got myself into a real bind here, I am thankful. I am quitting everything in my arsenal for mood helpers, all the way down to sugar while tapering off this junk.
I have a couple solid accountability partners that are also tapering. One owns a construction business in the US, and the other is retired early at 55 (lucky).
I am feeling really good with my progress so far. I am getting sick of putting myself in discomfort though. I wish I could just jump. But there is no way I can do another PAWS. Each one has gotten worse for me. I literally would rather be a junky than go through PAWS that is harder than the last.
I am most definitely tapering slow so my brain can adjust over time. Now that Ive knocked out Nicotine, phenibut, caffeine, and started reducing sugar, it's time to get more active with the kratom taper.
I am following a program that seems to work for me, as long. As I can stay on program. That's where I make a drop day 1 and suffer a little. Day 2 I repeat and many symptoms take 48hrs to appear, so I suffer again. Day 3 I hold and level out. Sometimes I hold for day 4 depending how bad things were.
So..thats where I am. Stay away from anything that makes you feel good gents. Just not worth it.
This past spring and summer I was using at versions times: kratom, gabapentin, phenibut, Adderall, wellbutrin, caffeine in a big way, and sugar in a big way.
Today that list is down to 50% kratom and reduced sugar. Super psyched. Just time to stay focused on kratom now.
Along the way, I've so been going through a spiritual awakening which has been AWESOME to say the least.
Somebody from my quitting kratom forum noticed my comments about meditation, the evil ego, and spirituality. He pointed the way to another forum for awakening which is amazing.
I also join a 4wk course offered by a guru for meditation growth. It's free, so why not.
I am growing so much right now, it's a trip. Everything really should come together when I jump off kratom. I'm in the process of going through a complete transformation.
Did I mention I was using phenibut for a while too? It's a legal anti-anxiety supplement that builds tolerance very fast. Hits Gaba like alcohol, but different.
Of course it's addictive and if course I had a habit going. That stopped a week ago thankfully. I am about done with WD (night sweats, chills, and anxiety).
I leveled kratom at 50% of norm while going through that, as well as Nicotine WD I went through a few weeks ago.
I have also reduced coffee down to 1 cup a day! That is amazing. My plan was to unload all the **** I put in my body to change my mood by the time I step off kratom.
Kratom is weird as it has over 40 alcaloids that effects several parts of the body and brain functions. Quitting it is hard as heck because it's like quitting pain killers, alcohol, speed, and anti depression meds at the same time.
Acute WD is brutal for 15days, followed by lingering acute for another 2wks of. Insomnia, pain, and poops. Them comes PAWS at a whole.new level never experienced before.
Although I got myself into a real bind here, I am thankful. I am quitting everything in my arsenal for mood helpers, all the way down to sugar while tapering off this junk.
I have a couple solid accountability partners that are also tapering. One owns a construction business in the US, and the other is retired early at 55 (lucky).
I am feeling really good with my progress so far. I am getting sick of putting myself in discomfort though. I wish I could just jump. But there is no way I can do another PAWS. Each one has gotten worse for me. I literally would rather be a junky than go through PAWS that is harder than the last.
I am most definitely tapering slow so my brain can adjust over time. Now that Ive knocked out Nicotine, phenibut, caffeine, and started reducing sugar, it's time to get more active with the kratom taper.
I am following a program that seems to work for me, as long. As I can stay on program. That's where I make a drop day 1 and suffer a little. Day 2 I repeat and many symptoms take 48hrs to appear, so I suffer again. Day 3 I hold and level out. Sometimes I hold for day 4 depending how bad things were.
So..thats where I am. Stay away from anything that makes you feel good gents. Just not worth it.
This past spring and summer I was using at versions times: kratom, gabapentin, phenibut, Adderall, wellbutrin, caffeine in a big way, and sugar in a big way.
Today that list is down to 50% kratom and reduced sugar. Super psyched. Just time to stay focused on kratom now.
Along the way, I've so been going through a spiritual awakening which has been AWESOME to say the least.
Somebody from my quitting kratom forum noticed my comments about meditation, the evil ego, and spirituality. He pointed the way to another forum for awakening which is amazing.
I also join a 4wk course offered by a guru for meditation growth. It's free, so why not.
I am growing so much right now, it's a trip. Everything really should come together when I jump off kratom. I'm in the process of going through a complete transformation.
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