FBL

Hang in there, Del! If I started drinking again today, I guess nobody would really know...except I would know, and that would lead to more drinking and I'd be right back where I was nearly 8 years ago. So, no drinking for me today.

courage2

^^^ Me neither.

stargazer016

Hope you are doing ok Del!

Delizadee

You guys are the best. Made me cry! Appreciative tears. I feel a lot better today.
I did not drink last night.
I feel like I've been sober forever but not long enough, and when these huge feeling situations keep coming up I feel so vulnerable, like a gentle breeze could knock me over and blow me away into oblivion. Ugh.

Best to get all angry and messed up in a safe little corner of SR I suppose.
I talked to my counselor today, and she assures me this sounds good and gave me some really good ideas I can do when my son is here.

Thinking I have no control at all is ridiculous and I've got to stop telling myself that. I have my control over my actions and reactions, and I really, really don't want to go down that rabbit hole again and let the hijacker take over.

It is what it is but it won't stay this way forever.
SO, no drinking today.
I really look forward to life becoming boring... maybe some day.

Thanks for the pick-me-up you lovely peeps.
xo Del

FBL

Nicely done, Del!

Gilmer

With every time you overcome one of these attacks from the AV, you become stronger and smarter. Well done!

Hope you have an uneventful weekend.

FBL

Got a gold star from my doc on the annual physical. Think I'll celebrate with a Friday fish-fry!

Gilmer

Sounds delicious!

courage2

Deliza -- and I don't say that to all the girls

Congratulations on good health, FBL!

PhoenixJ

Deliz- boring is good.

FBL

My side project work continues today.

Have a great weekend, gang!

courage2

Have fun with your project, FBL!

The (literally) self-absorbed ramble below was inspired by someone's relapse. It needed to come out.

Once along the way of trying to get straight and sane, good ol' Robby Robot and I had some kind of convo about self. Turns out, my idea of self was what he called his soul. He said his soul was a constantly changing accumulation of all his physical and mental experiences and perceived circumstances (or something along those lines). You don't lose your soul as a drunk. It's that your soul -- now I'll call it 'self' -- includes the characteristics, problems, degradations, and misery of a drunk.

"I'm not the person I thought I was" -- that's something a relapser said, regretfully, resentfully, resisting. Don't resist -- embrace it! The person I thought I was: a nihilistic, suicidal, deceitful drunk. Change that self. Change that soul.

Yes, it's a wrenching experience.

But, I'd wanted to kill the person I thought I was. I still remember sheer wonder at the *possibility* of ever becoming anybody different. My 'me' was either going to die or change. How amazing is it that all we have to do to live, is change!

Mark1014

c2

courage2

Is that Mark????? Hi Mark!!!!!

NYC is still here whenever you are

Gilmer

Hi, Mark!

FBL

Thanks, Courage. Your post really hit home. Change or die. Yep, that was me!

courage2

Oh and the death of drunk is a horrible thing.

Mark1014

Hi gang. I'm not so eloquent as y'all, but quite enjoy reading your posts. It's great to have happened upon this thread.

Thanks C2. I was still pretty vulnerable to my nagging AV on that NYC holiday, and I recall with fondness and gratitude your encouragement! My youngest daughter asked just this morning when I would take her back to the city again.

My wife and I are just back from an Irish holiday and the freedom I felt from my former chains as we explored that splendid place is something I cherish. Truly living. I love it.

Mark1014

Hi Gilmer!

stargazer016

Congrats on passing your physical with flying colors FBL! So many of my nagging issues have disappeared for me since I quit drinking. I am glad you are enjoying your side project on the weekends.

Way to go Del! I'm so glad that you made it through the tempest intact. Life as a recovering alcoholic blows chunks at times, but life as a drunk is far worse. The thing I always love about SR is one can say anything at all that is on their mind and know that others will listen non-judgmentally and will offer advice from their own life's experience.

Thanks for the post Courage. I have had several friends here on SR and one in noncyberworld relapse recently. It's been on my mind a lot. Relapse is actually a nine or ten step process, as I recall reading on SR a while back. We need to make certain we don't accidentally start ambling down that path a step at a time.

My wife asked me how I was doing the other night. She has totally left me on my own to figure things out in sobriety (which I am grateful for) and she had no idea that I even had an issue with booze until I told her that I was quitting drinking. She viewed me as a normal drinker who got just got sloppy occasionally. I never missed work, got arrested, smashed cars, punched walls and so on. I still have never come clean to the extent of my drinking to her, and I don't really feel that it matters at this point. Only a fellow addict can understand the thinking of an addict. Our marriage has ranged from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows, and I drank in good times and especially in bad times.

I told her my life was kind of boring now. She didn't understand me. I told her my life was very routine now, without the powerful highs and lows that alcohol provided, but that I was grateful to have escaped the overbearing depression that decades of daily drinking crushed me with every day. I spent so much of my life chasing the buzz and dealing with the consequences. Boring is ok with me now. I find joy in the very simple things that life throws my way now. But I can always understand why folks think that they can catch lightning in a bottle one more time and pick a drink up again. No thanks. I will calmly live each day, and wake up hangover free and at one with the cosmos.