PhoenixJ

EEEK! I am back. Courage- which is what we all have. BUT we do not have magical powers that allow us to predict the future so we can worry about it with any point- now. That is where for me- first HALTS, then facking journal writing, then mindful breathing crap....over and over, sometimes dozens of times a day. And of course- post here lots'nlots.
Tuesday, 0018am now.
Yesterday had counselling and was told by the counsellor I am 'the most motivated person' he has every worked with. This guy has worked around and knows things. Still has not really been accepted by my stupid brain as I do not accept positives very well- never got them much.
- Then meeting- my least fav. person in the known universe was there- a mix of Frank Burns and Gollum. Slimy man. BUT I treated him with respect and courtesy due any life form. Shared- about my experiences with over the counter pain relief meds- and my experiences in hospital with halluc's- due to the elephant strength pain relievers plus Ketamine I was given. Did not work- every procedure I screamed- and so they ended up putting me under. So when out of hospital- I threw all the pain meds they gave me away, except the paracetamol- which I have not touched.
Then hours of effort deal the faceless govt people- who when informing me 2 weeks ago everything had been resolved- had done nothing. I complained again at Ministerial level and it was fixed within the hour. So tiring- exhausting actually.
Today it finally hit me my family are never coming back. A sad thing- but one I must endure and fight through.
This meant the rest of the day, evening, night- I just keep going- setting up new computer (next stage of recovery- no free wifi or computer, so I have done all this now), setting up smartphone as a wifi hot spot. I have learnt more than I thought possible. Then more art- the avatar here is my latest m/p. A phoenix. About 20 hours painting, much more thinking went into it. Not technically brilliant- but it is exactly how I am - emotionally speaking. Plus lots of writing.
I will have a little more extra cash this week- so am going to treat myself..to a guided- coached art tour of an interpretive Rodan exhibition at the state art-g. Rodan's stuff, sculptures espec. are very raw and in your face.
AND an intro to serious sketching thing.
AND there is another exhib- which blends the ethos of tai chi with art form. Am thinking of starting up a martial art- or T/C again- for flexibility, discipline and breathing mindful crap. Still doing a lot of cognitive training for stupid brain. Have proceeded from baby hard chess to teenager hard chess on the computer. Also making less typo's and caps lock mistakes...because of this. It is at times very boring and not wanting to be done- which is stiff sh.it. I intend to be better than I ever have been b4. Except for typing b4 instead of before.
A good time then to stop.

PhoenixJ

So there!

IWLSAST

Time only for a pop in hello.

Still alive and quite sober.

Best intention vibes to all POSTites.

Off to see my old therapist from PA and continue working on the only remaining big issue in my life - my oldest. It's sad to me that we have no real relationship. I found wonderful pics of our times together when cleaning up and selling stuff last week, and, to be 100% honest, it kinda breaks my heart.

Life goes on - last week in PA...ending with a trip to Columbus to hang with my youngest. I need that food for my soul to complete this journey.

Best to all - sober for all the right reasons...

Carlos

Gilmer

(((((PJ)))))

(((((Carlos)))))

courage2

You are pretty freaking amazing PJ. Ii couldn't deal with all that, I think I'd turn into a blubbering gob. I get up every day and go about my life which is very, very small and am happy to be able to get back in bed.

I wish to see your avatar larger.

PhoenixJ

Cour...if you really want to punish yourself...go to my public profile..scroll down to 'Albums', click on that and your can double click on the thumb nail images and they grow. Most of what I paint is there. More as a way of preserving them. I may not be Van Gogh, but they have value to me.

gleefan

PJ - Wow, sounds like you are making good progress with finding serenity amidst the pain.

Carlos - I've watched you rise from the rubble (as you have watched me). I can only imagine how unnerving it was to sift back through it, literally, while going through your old things. If there is one thing I know about you, it's that you wont dwell on what's wrong with your relationship with your oldest, but at the same time, you won't give up.

Courage - It sounds like the unpredictability of life and a summer schedule has you feeling off. Have you thought of asking the universe for what you need? Or thanking it for what you have? I find an AA meeting can help me find a path to serenity.

SG - I went to see U2 last night. From where I was standing, I could see silhouettes of people in the section on front of me dancing. I was really struck by the person who had a water bottle in their hand. It wasn't my first concert sober, but I didn't miss being wasted, or feel awkward that I wasn't.

The show was wonderful. Incidentally, Bono told the crowd that Adam Clayton is being honored tonight for his work with people struggling with addiction. Way cool. I'm thankful for all of the work we do right here regarding addiction and recovery.

I am tired today from a couple of super late nights in a row and I took today off from work for a duvet day today. I was finally smart enough to plan in advance for the day off, instead of scrambling to get to work in a half dazed state.

Also I'll point out that my duvet days are more balanced than they were at first. I'm getting ready for a workout now, will have afternoon coffee with my husband, and planned with one of my new neighbors who I've known a long time and a friend we have in common. It's right across the street, which is nice.

The peaceful, easy life eluded me in addiction. I'm so grateful to enjoy it now as the fruit of my recovery and sobriety.

Del, Fbl, Gilmer - How are you doing?

Have a beautiful sober day, Posties!

Gilmer

Doing well, Glee, thanks.

Finally was able to get some schoolwork done today--I was worried that maybe I broke my brain with the hysterical exam frenzy last week.

gleefan

Gilmer - I haven't had to study like you in ages but I've taken a few licensing exams for work over the past couple of years. The mind's ability to absorb *even more* information, when I've already learned a lot, amazes me. Glad you're able to enjoy that gift!

Delizadee

I am here!
Kicking up the dust. Why do my off days seem busier than my 'work' days??
I dunno, I don't mind. But I am really, really tired.

Going to post more later. I had a very, very close call with myself the other night. more on that later.
I quit smoking. woot!

Time for second nap I think?
Got my new AA sponsor in place today too.

Batting a thousand just kind of stumbles in between.
4 days left til 6 mos, 9 til I leave to get my boy.

So, only an idiot or fool would drink at this point in my boat.

Gilmer

I'm glad you willed yourself to resist, Del.

courage2

PJ, it was very pleasing to see your work. I wish I could see the originals -- I like to look at brushstrokes I don't have a strong visual eye, but it pleases me to look and think of the artist's eye and hand. You have good stuff in both.

courage2

Carlos, I truly feel for you. I hope someday you'll find peace with your daughter.

courage2

Congratulations on quitting smoking, Del. Do post about your near-miss, if you think it will help you to write about it. Or post about the next challenge coming up. Or what you had for dinner!

Χαῖρε, Gilmer!

stargazer016

What a fantastic description PJ! Add that to your book of Famous Quotes.

Glad you had fun at U2 Glee! I hear that they still put on a great show. I saw them back on the Zooropa tour, which was a lifetime ago. I got home last night around 1:30am and to bed even later. Thankfully, I only had to be at work at ten today. I don't know how I used to go to shows and drink all day and night and still get up for work the next day.

I can firmly say that being around 30,000 people drinking did not trigger me in the slightest yesterday. For me, it seems that I am more likely to have triggers when I am alone in the house, bored, tired, angry or however lost in my head. I can be my own worst enemy.

So glad that you didn't break your brain with all that cramming last week Gilmer!

Courage, I wouldn't say you live a "small" life. It has such a negative connotation to it. I always was a fan of the Butterfly Effect, where small actions can lead to big changes down the time line. Besides, what you are doing isn't small for your family, or students, or the people here following this thread. It's bigley.

I am sorry that things are still difficult with your oldest Carlos. I hope that eventually time will help heal these wounds.

Del, I am glad that you stayed strong and that you are giving up the butts. It's an expensive way to kill oneself.

Peace!

PhoenixJ

C2- tanku. That is how I learn about myself in this crap of early recovery. Rushed brushstrokes- impatience. So slow down in art- have more patience in life.
Angry colours 9as I define them) like if I decide to do flames (wonder why?) with lots of blood reds, blacks and dark colours- there is certainly a visual metaphor (?) there.
So when I look at anything arty- that is where I go...what was the make of this art feeling- thinking in that moment.

courage2

Sorry for the multiple posts -- I'm cooking dinner &
up & down a lot so it's safer to hit submit more often. Glee -- I don't ask the universe for anything. I don't believe the universe has an interest in my personal needs, and in my mind, it would be a dangerous delusion to think differently. I mean that quite literally. I had that delusion for a while and it was wild and harsh.

I'm grateful all the time. Your comment makes me worried that I seem ungrateful, and makes me realize that I never express gratitude here, or even enthusiasm What can I say? I was raised American Gothic, we're not a smiley lot. Plus, my life's pleasures, I know from experience on SR and in AA, sometimes seem strange to people. I got a lot out of a stanza of a poem called Credences of Summer that I read today. I found a way to pay another young woman for the summer, which makes me happy, because I basically always like to pay decent young women to do decent, intelligent work. My husband and I debated things to do with Latin and Greek, as usual.

Plus, I have a kind of a theory about this thread, which is that if I air out my worries and weaknesses, other people will feel like it's ok to be worried and weak sometimes, too, and express it, and go on to the next thing. Sober.

Serenity - maybe a good topic for the thread? Does it help you? How?

OK, the rice is done. Dinner.

Gilmer

I can't type Greek on my phone, Cour, but "hi" back (technically "hail!")

courage2

PhoenixJ

Ave! Cour..
And yes Glee- we all grow and watch each other's backs as we do so.