The Power Of Sobriety Thread (POST!) (was F.I.S.T#3)
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Sometimes counsel from a friend who knows both sides of a dispute is just what the doctor ordered.
I'm not talking necessarily about an impartial mediator; rather, I mean somebody knows both parties very well and truly appreciates them.
I was a bit surprised by something my female tenant did today. At first it didn't bother me and I thought it was a good thing. Then as the hours went on, it started to bother me, and I began to take offense.
My husband thought I was just being paranoid.
So I texted my two daughters, who are each good friends with my tenant.
They understood why I'd feel a bit odd; but they were able to explain my tenant's mindset totally. It never dawned on me to look at it from that point of view--but when I did, I was very impressed with her kindness. Where I thought my tenant was being rude and petty, she was actually being expansive and extremely generous!
I'm so glad I had my daughters to turn to to reassure me that my perception wasn't totally beyond the pale--but that there was a much better explanation.
The voices of reason prevailed!
It's good to be wrong sometimes!
I'm not talking necessarily about an impartial mediator; rather, I mean somebody knows both parties very well and truly appreciates them.
I was a bit surprised by something my female tenant did today. At first it didn't bother me and I thought it was a good thing. Then as the hours went on, it started to bother me, and I began to take offense.
My husband thought I was just being paranoid.
So I texted my two daughters, who are each good friends with my tenant.
They understood why I'd feel a bit odd; but they were able to explain my tenant's mindset totally. It never dawned on me to look at it from that point of view--but when I did, I was very impressed with her kindness. Where I thought my tenant was being rude and petty, she was actually being expansive and extremely generous!
I'm so glad I had my daughters to turn to to reassure me that my perception wasn't totally beyond the pale--but that there was a much better explanation.
The voices of reason prevailed!
It's good to be wrong sometimes!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Courage - Youhave a real knack for articulating those deep thoughts.
Gil - Emotional equilibrium - a great way to start off the day. I drank for the highs and the lows. Like SG said, I have much more to look forward to now.
Last night at a party the host was sharing some special wine that his buddy has made from grapes grown especially for him in Bordeaux. I am a middle class suburban working mom; these kinds of opportunities don't come my way often. Being able to play the long game in the face of special temptation is a miracle for me. I am so grateful that I have much more to look forward to than hangovers.
I left the party at a reasonable time. Came home and went to bed at a reasonable time. Went to work on time. I owe the deep satisfaction from doing the right thing to recovery!
Gil - Emotional equilibrium - a great way to start off the day. I drank for the highs and the lows. Like SG said, I have much more to look forward to now.
Last night at a party the host was sharing some special wine that his buddy has made from grapes grown especially for him in Bordeaux. I am a middle class suburban working mom; these kinds of opportunities don't come my way often. Being able to play the long game in the face of special temptation is a miracle for me. I am so grateful that I have much more to look forward to than hangovers.
I left the party at a reasonable time. Came home and went to bed at a reasonable time. Went to work on time. I owe the deep satisfaction from doing the right thing to recovery!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Gil - I used to think that the only other perception than mine was the wrong one.
I can still be pretty stubborn about things, to my detriment.
It says a lot about the strength of your character that you can accept other points of view.
I can still be pretty stubborn about things, to my detriment.
It says a lot about the strength of your character that you can accept other points of view.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,039
Glee, you done good. That would have been hard. You don't say so, but in your position, that would still have me a little ragged the next day. Virtue is its own reward, but maybe this calls for a new pair of earrings or a summer frock
Gilmer, I'm glad you sought out your daughters instead of obsessing over the apparent offense. No "stewing in your own juices."
Gilmer, I'm glad you sought out your daughters instead of obsessing over the apparent offense. No "stewing in your own juices."
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,039
Hi Gilmer! Long answer to short question:
Yesterday morning I passed the Hendricks Gin truck . Then, after a fairly grim day of not-working at my desk, I took a walk. A hot Friday night in June in midtown, light rain. A window display of Laphroaig called out to me. & I can't get out of my mind the unassuming but attractive middle-aged couple with tequila shots -- one of them had a beer chaser -- sitting outdoors under an umbrella at a Mexican restaurant as the last raindrops fell.
Why does drinking seem more than usually attractive? My adult son is in the city for the summer. I love this guy to death but having him around but not in a way that I can predict or influence makes me constantly anxious. Hell, I'm a bipolar former speed-freak alcoholic person with a fair dose of depravity in my background -- it's a miracle I managed to raise a child at all! Also my home and work computers both failed on me over the last few days, blowing my schedule to pieces.
I can't relax, and I'm worried that I won't relax, and will waste the summer in depression and anxiety, and I'm tired from such stupid worries, and annoyed at myself for not being more resilient to such a very little turbulence.
Writing this was helpful. I think I can now go about my day. Sober!
Yesterday morning I passed the Hendricks Gin truck . Then, after a fairly grim day of not-working at my desk, I took a walk. A hot Friday night in June in midtown, light rain. A window display of Laphroaig called out to me. & I can't get out of my mind the unassuming but attractive middle-aged couple with tequila shots -- one of them had a beer chaser -- sitting outdoors under an umbrella at a Mexican restaurant as the last raindrops fell.
Why does drinking seem more than usually attractive? My adult son is in the city for the summer. I love this guy to death but having him around but not in a way that I can predict or influence makes me constantly anxious. Hell, I'm a bipolar former speed-freak alcoholic person with a fair dose of depravity in my background -- it's a miracle I managed to raise a child at all! Also my home and work computers both failed on me over the last few days, blowing my schedule to pieces.
I can't relax, and I'm worried that I won't relax, and will waste the summer in depression and anxiety, and I'm tired from such stupid worries, and annoyed at myself for not being more resilient to such a very little turbulence.
Writing this was helpful. I think I can now go about my day. Sober!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Writing can really help to crystallize your thoughts!
I'm glad writing helped you a bit today.
I'm sorry you're suffering.
I hope you get a long stretch to hang out with your son very soon.
Hope your computers get up and running.
I'm glad writing helped you a bit today.
I'm sorry you're suffering.
I hope you get a long stretch to hang out with your son very soon.
Hope your computers get up and running.
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,172
Great job playing the long game Glee! It would have been very easy in early sobriety to excuse this "special occasion" to drink. Waking up feeling rested and healthy the next morning is also a great reward.
Courage, be careful! Sounds like you have a depressive/anxiety laden emotional spiral going on now. When I used to spiral down, I would feel defenseless and powerless, like the world was plotting to crush my mind and soul. I would reach for anything that might give me momentary relief. It's odd how we notice things like alcohol delivery trucks on the street, and commercials that show shiny happy people. (Thanks REM) in our vulnerable times.
I don't know how comfortable you are confiding with your hubby or if you have good local friends in recovery that you can spill your thoughts to. If I feel myself getting a little shaky and jonesing a drink, I replay a tape of my final days. I know you mentioned your son finding you drunk on the floor one day. With him in town, that could be a big reinforcement, or are you frightened that this scene could replay itself in some nightmarish scenario? I understand how loved ones can create anxiety in our heads unintentionally.
The more I sit here in my massively sleep deprived state, the more I realize that our problems often involve us slipping back into our alcoholic brains,and ways of thinking, even without touching a drink. I think at times we let our Addictive Voice come roaring out of the cage where we thought we had left it locked up. A higher brain/lower brain battle is taking place and we aren't really sure momentarily who we want to win. Our AV is putting out a stream of subtle messages that a relapse is no big deal, in fact, it would be a delicious treat from the stress we are encountering at the moment. Our higher brains/conscious self is being ambushed and might not have all of its defenses and tools ready. Conflict and turmoil ensue. It scares me because when it hits, it hits hard and our Addictive Voice knows all of our weaknesses. Our Addictive Voice is a survivor. It can be beaten down, but it is never totally defeated. Sometimes, we are just holding on with white knuckles buying some time to gather ourselves. In our early recovery days, we called this urge surfing.
I hope that you can grab a hold of something solid to steady yourself Courage. Life is a wild ride but you are in the driver's seat now and have control of the wheel. If you slip, you voluntarily slide over to the passenger seat and lose control of it all. Things can careen wildly out of control. You know that, I know that, all of us know that. Keep that seat belt fastened because it's a wild ride at times.
Courage, be careful! Sounds like you have a depressive/anxiety laden emotional spiral going on now. When I used to spiral down, I would feel defenseless and powerless, like the world was plotting to crush my mind and soul. I would reach for anything that might give me momentary relief. It's odd how we notice things like alcohol delivery trucks on the street, and commercials that show shiny happy people. (Thanks REM) in our vulnerable times.
I don't know how comfortable you are confiding with your hubby or if you have good local friends in recovery that you can spill your thoughts to. If I feel myself getting a little shaky and jonesing a drink, I replay a tape of my final days. I know you mentioned your son finding you drunk on the floor one day. With him in town, that could be a big reinforcement, or are you frightened that this scene could replay itself in some nightmarish scenario? I understand how loved ones can create anxiety in our heads unintentionally.
The more I sit here in my massively sleep deprived state, the more I realize that our problems often involve us slipping back into our alcoholic brains,and ways of thinking, even without touching a drink. I think at times we let our Addictive Voice come roaring out of the cage where we thought we had left it locked up. A higher brain/lower brain battle is taking place and we aren't really sure momentarily who we want to win. Our AV is putting out a stream of subtle messages that a relapse is no big deal, in fact, it would be a delicious treat from the stress we are encountering at the moment. Our higher brains/conscious self is being ambushed and might not have all of its defenses and tools ready. Conflict and turmoil ensue. It scares me because when it hits, it hits hard and our Addictive Voice knows all of our weaknesses. Our Addictive Voice is a survivor. It can be beaten down, but it is never totally defeated. Sometimes, we are just holding on with white knuckles buying some time to gather ourselves. In our early recovery days, we called this urge surfing.
I hope that you can grab a hold of something solid to steady yourself Courage. Life is a wild ride but you are in the driver's seat now and have control of the wheel. If you slip, you voluntarily slide over to the passenger seat and lose control of it all. Things can careen wildly out of control. You know that, I know that, all of us know that. Keep that seat belt fastened because it's a wild ride at times.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,039
Thanks, stargazer. I had a better day. I just blotted out my thoughts by sitting in the sun with Moby Dick coming through my headphones. I can't read anymore but I can listen.
I don't personally work through the AV analogy, but I get where it comes from. It's not right for me because it reminds me of a divided self, which is a little too close to compartmentalizing and suppression -- those haven't worked too well in my life. The aspects of me that went for a life of drugs and drinking & a lot of other destructive stuff are completely equal to the other "saner" bits -- my aspects converse all day long. Some of them smoke a cigarette in the morning and dress inappropriately, and some act like a human being. But we're all hanging out together in an atmosphere of mutual respect.
It's going to be a long summer with a lot of ups and downs but I can handle it. Moby Dick is a very long book, and there's always American punk rock.
I don't personally work through the AV analogy, but I get where it comes from. It's not right for me because it reminds me of a divided self, which is a little too close to compartmentalizing and suppression -- those haven't worked too well in my life. The aspects of me that went for a life of drugs and drinking & a lot of other destructive stuff are completely equal to the other "saner" bits -- my aspects converse all day long. Some of them smoke a cigarette in the morning and dress inappropriately, and some act like a human being. But we're all hanging out together in an atmosphere of mutual respect.
It's going to be a long summer with a lot of ups and downs but I can handle it. Moby Dick is a very long book, and there's always American punk rock.
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,172
I am now the defacto designated driver when concert time comes around. I will be cruising over the bridge with friends to see a show in New Jersey tonight. It's ironic that I somehow still get the responsibility of packing the beer cooler.
When I was just a couple months into sobriety, I approached concerts very nervously. I spent a lifetime holding a beer in a parking lot before a show. The first couple shows, I nursed a NA or two to have something in my hand. Later on, I would become comfortable just having my water in my hand and no one cared. That will be me later later on today sipping water on a thankfully much cooler summer day today.
I've lots to get done beforehand around the house. Best wishes for a great day all!
When I was just a couple months into sobriety, I approached concerts very nervously. I spent a lifetime holding a beer in a parking lot before a show. The first couple shows, I nursed a NA or two to have something in my hand. Later on, I would become comfortable just having my water in my hand and no one cared. That will be me later later on today sipping water on a thankfully much cooler summer day today.
I've lots to get done beforehand around the house. Best wishes for a great day all!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,039
Have we become suddenly less attractive? Where are you all?
Maybe we'll go into stealth mode.
I'm still very anxious. And there are decisions to be made. I can't tell the difference between big decisions and small ones, not on a day-to-day basis. But in the face of too many decisions, I still make at least some of the right ones: post, gratitude, meditation....
Sober.
Have a good day, my fellows
Maybe we'll go into stealth mode.
I'm still very anxious. And there are decisions to be made. I can't tell the difference between big decisions and small ones, not on a day-to-day basis. But in the face of too many decisions, I still make at least some of the right ones: post, gratitude, meditation....
Sober.
Have a good day, my fellows
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