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Class of March 2013 Part 51

Old 07-11-2017, 04:02 AM
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Good morning, Marchers!

I find many things here on SR get me thinking about various aspects of life. The most recent one that is hitting close to home is FBL's account of his boss' wife who had a bad accident parasailing at the age of 80. That especially hit home for me at 72.

My first reaction was Yikes! Parasailing it 80? Nuts! Now that I live surrounded by active though less adventurous seniors, I'm seeing first-hand how much we decline during those last years. It hit me this morning that playing it safe doesn't make a whole lot of sense at this age. Much better to have fun and do what we want even if risky. I'd much rather end doing something I love rather than decline and end up in pain and/or with dementia. Gotta spend some time figuring this out :-)
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Old 07-11-2017, 08:17 AM
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Yes, Sass you are right. I agree with you ! ! Life is too short. Do what you can now cause it could change over night.
Have a great day everyone !
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Old 07-11-2017, 08:08 PM
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Hey guys,

Sorry if this post is a downer but I need to get something out.

My wife is struggling with fertility issues. Without getting into details, the top specialist in our area gave us a 2-5% of getting pregnant naturally. Of course my wife blames herself and feels like a failure, even though it's not her fault and she did nothing wrong. None of the options on the table are easy. We're seeing an IVF specialist in New York in a couple of weeks. We're talked about egg donation, but my wife doesn't feel comfortable birthing a child that isn't genetically hers. We've even had tough conversations about what we would do if the fetus has chromosomal abnormalities like Down's Syndrome. The whole situation is overwhelming and exhausting.

The worst part is that adoption is off the table for now because I don't have enough sober time. Most agencies want 10 years of sobriety, though I think we could at least get in the door when I have 5 years. But no guarantees a birth mother would want to place with a recovering alcoholic. I clearly messed that option up and feel horrible about it.

I'm also worn out from work. I got promoted to a leadership role, which is great in terms of financial security, but the travel and hours are hard on both of us. I also feel like I just don't have anyone to talk to about this except my wife and our therapist. It feels like everyone around us is pumping out kids with reckless abandon. I can't even go on Facebook anymore because I get jealous of my friends' pictures of their babies.

I know the first year of marriage is supposed to be tough, but we weren't expecting to have to deal with all of this. We're supposed to be in our honeymoon phase but most of our conversations are just depressing because these decisions are on a tight timetable.

I think at this point, both of us just need some hope.
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Old 07-11-2017, 08:24 PM
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DD I had a very difficult time both getting pregnant and staying that way. After 20 miscarriages I finally had a full-term baby, after much intervention. It was emotionally awful. If I had to do it over again, I would have skipped having the baby or adopted, I'm sorry you and Mrs DD are running into this issue. Perhaps try accepting that adoption will have to wait a few years? My thoughts are coming your way.
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Old 07-11-2017, 11:09 PM
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DD lovely to see you, just sorry to hear of your troubles. Like your wife and the wonderful Sass, i had fertility problems. I fell pregnant only to miscarry twice. I was with the first Mr T then, and all our friends were drunks, yet they had no problem dropping kids. My bffs wife who was a total psycho drunk and my Sil ditto both got pregnant and i was so resentful and hurt! How could the fates give children to women who were already neglectful mothers - in my sils case aslo abusive but i never knew the extent of that at the time- when i had a heart as big as texas yet couldnt fall. It seemed so unfair. I spent years feeling hurt confused and angry, and i know i drank to help with the hurt even though at that time i wasnt yet dependent on alcohol.
Adoption was not a possibility because my husband was a drunk, and i had issues with ivf, i believed if it was meant to happen it woudl happen naturally.
If i had a choice, i would have fostered or adopted an older child in need of love.
There are so many young children out there who drop through the adoption net because they are a little too old or too much trouble - or mixed race, which i believe a child of yours would be?- does the 10 year rule still apply to older adoption? I find that harsh when most of these kids just need love and care.

As to the job, oh DD, Sass said it earlier. Life is just too short to spend it doing the wrong thing. No one lies on their death bed and says 'i wished i'd worked more' . Think of this: if youre wife had fallen pregnant already, how much quality time would you spend with her during the pregnancy? Would you watch your child grow or would his/her daddy seem like a stranger?
I feel you need to think seriously about your work/life balance. Financial security is important, but it isnt everything. You need to have time to enjoy your family, and have time to do things just for yourself. I feel you either need to put a specific timetable in place for how many years you will work these kind of hours, therefore having something to look forward to and be working towards, or you need to consider taking a job that gives you far less financially but but a much better home life.
Would you consider moving away from NY to take a lower paid job living in a town or city with a lower cost of living for example?
You have much to think on, but i suggest you do do some deep thinking, before you wake up and like Sass, feel life has gotten away from you. X
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Old 07-11-2017, 11:18 PM
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Sass, I guess you need to ask yourself how active your life would have been if you hadn't moved into the OFH. Were you a particularly active person in your hobby choices? Was parasailing, rock climbing, bungee jumping, on your bucket list? There is a wonderful old BBC series called Waiting for God about an OFH, starring the wonderul Stephanie Cole of Tenko as an irascible old biddy. The characters in ther are a mixture of those sitting patiently in gods waiting room, and those battling against the restrictions of time and age to squeeze some extra enjoyment from life.
Living in the OFH doesn't mean you need to restrict yourself beyond your body's capabilities. Look locally for things of interest that you would like to do. Write a bucket list. ( if visiting Scotland is on it, then dust off your passport mrs!) it is too easy to fall into the same pattern of those around you, but Sass, you have too much life, intelligence and passion for life to just sit there with your bible swatting for your finals. X
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Old 07-12-2017, 03:49 AM
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(((((DD)))))

Here are some stories that might give you hope.

I know of a couple who started off their marriage with an ectopic pregnancy that almost killed the wife. After that, they couldn't get pregnant, so twelve years later the began the adoption process. Within a month she was pregnant.

Also, I knew a couple that was told after trying for eight years that they'd never conceive because the man had an extremely low sperm count. As soon as they started the adoption process, she too got pregnant--and they went on to have two other children!

Finally, I know a woman who had a benign tumor the size of two softballs (plus an ovary and Fallopian tube) removed from her uterus. They told her that her odds of conceiving and carrying a baby to term were very low. Within five years she had two kids!

All three couples prayed hard (for years) to their HP for either a baby or the grace to be content with another outcome).

I don't know how you feel about that, but it seemed to me like an important factor they all had in common, so I felt bound to include it. I'll be praying for you guys, that's for sure.

Another thing that further reduces fertility is high stress. Even if prayer is not your thing, you and your wife ought to take concrete measures to dissipate the stress from your situation.

As far as work goes, on the promotion! You really busted your butt for it, even though sometimes it seemed like they were jerking you around.

I can't think of anyone who deserves this promotion as much as you!

So now you've got the sweet satisfaction of it, and I'm thrilled to death for you!

That being said, it sounds like your gut is telling you to get a less taxing job as soon as possible. You're exhausted, and your wife is at a very vulnerable time. My opinion is to go with your gut. Your marriage and sanity are more important than the job.

Your resume is probably fantastic--if anybody can get another (very good) job, you can.
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Old 07-12-2017, 06:21 AM
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DD, what Toots and Gilmer said so well!

Toots, yes, good thoughts! I'm working on me and where I want to be. In this OFH, thankfully we are getting a fair number of residents under 70 and very active (as much as I love many of our very elderly folks). Some folks are wanting to get on the wait list but they have to wait until 62. I don't expect this process to end anytime soon if ever. I spent so very many years pouring 100% of my time and energy into my daughter and my work. It's taking time to feel comfortable with taking care of me first. I'm delighted to have the opportunity to do some exploring. Time flies so quickly now that it's hard to fit in all the things I'd like to try to do :-)
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Old 07-12-2017, 07:53 AM
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That sounds like a good kind of challenge to have, Sass!
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Old 07-12-2017, 08:00 AM
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Sass, Yes ! you just make me want to get up and do something. You really got me moving today. So, Off I go for a walk and then whatever happens after that. Been down a little lately ---mostly feeling sorry for myself. Hubby still drinking and I just have to mind my own. He only drinks at night but, has switched to drinking both beer one night and then hard stuff the next. I feel sorry for him ---He is good to me. But drinking every night is quite trying. I should know---It use to be me === plus putting it away during the day.
Just had to get it out there again. Thanks for the shoulder.
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Old 07-12-2017, 08:17 AM
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Babs, good for you for getting out for a walk! For a lot of things I'm realizing just how applicable the Serenity Prayer is to all aspects of my life. Something similar I learned years ago also helps me when I feel frustrated: "optioning". If I'm not in a good space, I think of all of the options I have - the more outlandish the better. Once I work that through I find it much easier to accept if i can't change something or make some reasonable changes. Just knowing that i DO have options helps keep me from feeling trapped.

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Old 07-12-2017, 08:34 AM
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(((((Babs)))))
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Old 07-13-2017, 12:19 AM
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I'm sorry that your hubby is not being supportive of your sobriety, Babs. It's true you can't do anything about his choices, but you are certainly making much better ones yourself these days.
I believe you will continue to do what is right and best for you. I feel that you are learning to love yourself a lot more, and are caring more about yourself and what you want from your life. X
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Old 07-13-2017, 05:22 AM
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I am in awe of how much we all have changed since many of us met over 4 years ago! And our newer members fit right in.

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Old 07-13-2017, 06:36 AM
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hi guys! Have a little bit of family matters going on right now. will tell you when things slow down. Thanks for being here.
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Old 07-14-2017, 05:04 AM
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Babs, We're here for you!
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Old 07-14-2017, 08:06 AM
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Still here--to make a long story short. My MIL is in the hospital and she is 91 and she has four children. and since it's not my mom I'm standing back and not saying much. Oh boy ! I'm here if they need me. there ! ! that's my story today.
Thank you for being here.
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Old 07-14-2017, 06:16 PM
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Sounds challenging, Babs
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Old 07-14-2017, 11:02 PM
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(((Babs))) thought are with you and yourMIL & family X
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Old 07-15-2017, 07:08 AM
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hi ! Boy did I want a drink yesterday ---whew --made it. My husbands family
all drink and again---to make a small story ---My MIL is in surgery this morning for a mass on her colon and dear god, this is going to be a long day and eve. But, I will make it just fine. sooo, Gosh---hope you guys are doing well. I really don't have it all that bad. There is someone out there with a lot bigger problems then me. Have a good one Marchers .
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