F.I.S.T. #3 (Insert Non-Acronymical Nonsense Expression)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
Star- had 'bout 3 hours lasty night. No complaining- I read, research, write and think until my brain goes sludge on me.
Not an ungood day today. Am now (it seems like after thrashing stuff in my head thousands of times- one day it seems much easier) able to process stuff out of my realm of control without freaking on it.
Lunchtime meeting- a young lady with 2 loud, very young kids. She apologised in the coffee and biscuit sacred zone- I replied 'why? Children are a gift'. Very damaged history from her childhood. She even thanked the people at the meeting who had not tolerated her kids- because she has learnt tolerance from their intolerance (touche).
Also noticing I can offer support to others after meetings- who are new and struggling with logic because of fuzzy brain feel more assured they are not alone.
So human has been a good boy today.
Not an ungood day today. Am now (it seems like after thrashing stuff in my head thousands of times- one day it seems much easier) able to process stuff out of my realm of control without freaking on it.
Lunchtime meeting- a young lady with 2 loud, very young kids. She apologised in the coffee and biscuit sacred zone- I replied 'why? Children are a gift'. Very damaged history from her childhood. She even thanked the people at the meeting who had not tolerated her kids- because she has learnt tolerance from their intolerance (touche).
Also noticing I can offer support to others after meetings- who are new and struggling with logic because of fuzzy brain feel more assured they are not alone.
So human has been a good boy today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
Originally Posted by stargazer016 
Carlos, you seem to always have a great deal of nearly manic energy that you bring to the plate each day. You bring an organization, determination and clarity of drive to your daily life with your foot fully on the gas pedal all the time.
....if only one of my many therapists over the years had offered this insight. Well, they have, but yours was so elegantly written.So true...I simply cannot let go of my "all or nothing" ways, no matter to what degree I pretend to say and act otherwise. Just yesterday I was pumping the weight up again at bodypump. No rational reason other than ego.
At least there is a big part of me that remains teachable. Step 6, for sure....
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
Also noticing I can offer support to others after meetings- who are new and struggling with logic because of fuzzy brain feel more assured they are not alone.
So human has been a good boy today.
So human has been a good boy today.
Stargazer, I'll work all summer but at a slower pace -- like today I'm strolling in at 1 p.m. & plan to work 6 hours. My adult son will be in town for a while, so there will be some good times with him, maybe a couple of long beach weekends. Slowly my back brain is mulling over a plan to shift work around towards ideas that are more stimulating than my current areas -- it's fun to hunt and peck through the field of possibilities.
What are other people's summertime plans? Or, winter, for Ozzies?
Hello Awake61! How are you?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
My plans are in a holding pattern for now. Still doing recovery stuff, been in this program nearly 1 year- it has 'stages' (based on performance in a way) to getting long term affordable housing. Also for divorce- just radio silence from the ex, no contact with sons (sigh, sniff and other pity me words), plus govt faceless people yet to give me final decision as to assistance (.burns blah).
Working very hard with psycholomologist/counsellor endorsed CBT self heal homework, plus serious attempts at writing and still doing art.
Working very hard with psycholomologist/counsellor endorsed CBT self heal homework, plus serious attempts at writing and still doing art.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Going south to a hotel for a wedding in August.
It's in Lexington, VA. I was hoping to see the burial site of Stonewall Jackson's arm; but it's actually just his main body that's buried there.
His amputated arm is actually at Chancellorsville, VA, where he was wounded.
Since the wedding happens to be the day after our own anniversary, I'm hoping to parlay it into an entire week!
It's in Lexington, VA. I was hoping to see the burial site of Stonewall Jackson's arm; but it's actually just his main body that's buried there.
His amputated arm is actually at Chancellorsville, VA, where he was wounded.
Since the wedding happens to be the day after our own anniversary, I'm hoping to parlay it into an entire week!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Now I find myself questioning myself constantly.
I just expressed a flash of anger in another thread. I was angry for about ten minutes; then I mellowed and saw a better point of view.
But for a few minutes I was really angry, and my post showed it.
I'm perfectly rational and I was perfectly rational when I was angry; yet every time any particularly vehement thought crosses my mind lately I automatically suspect myself of being manic.
I certainly was not super-industrious today. I haven't acted out at anyone IRL, and I was not mad AT anyone on the other thread--just at a person in the news (one of many) who committed a violent act in the name of religion.
I'm just like 200,000,000 other ambivalent Americans.
I'm very sure I'm not manic today.
But I'm constantly worried now. Is this going to be my new thing?
I'm constantly scrutinizing myself for something, I can't ever just accept myself the way I accept others.
Recovery or not, I'm still an "extraordinary worm"--the most hypocritical person who ever lived. I wish I could stop my own constant nagging.
I never nag anyone else!
Add one more thing to the list!
Why can't I just stop thinking? I swear, I'm like a mental cutter!
Is there a pill to cure that?
Hey, maybe there is!
I've told my p-doc about the problems I have that have affected other people, but I never have told her about this particular obsession.
I guess I always thought it was more a spiritual thing: part healthy self-checking and part condemnation from the enemy (no, I'm not warped about the devil. I don't believe anything more or less about him than what the Bible says).
But it's CONSTANT--so maybe my "badness" is just another delusion!
Wow! I'll call my doctor tomorrow and see what she says!
See how wonderful SR is? I started off a post with one concern--then chewed on it, kept thinking out loud and projecting what various and sundry of you would respond--and I got what might prove to be a very freeing breakthrough!
Thanks, guys!
Sorry for another encyclopedic post!
I just expressed a flash of anger in another thread. I was angry for about ten minutes; then I mellowed and saw a better point of view.
But for a few minutes I was really angry, and my post showed it.
I'm perfectly rational and I was perfectly rational when I was angry; yet every time any particularly vehement thought crosses my mind lately I automatically suspect myself of being manic.
I certainly was not super-industrious today. I haven't acted out at anyone IRL, and I was not mad AT anyone on the other thread--just at a person in the news (one of many) who committed a violent act in the name of religion.
I'm just like 200,000,000 other ambivalent Americans.
I'm very sure I'm not manic today.
But I'm constantly worried now. Is this going to be my new thing?
I'm constantly scrutinizing myself for something, I can't ever just accept myself the way I accept others.
Recovery or not, I'm still an "extraordinary worm"--the most hypocritical person who ever lived. I wish I could stop my own constant nagging.
I never nag anyone else!
Add one more thing to the list!
Why can't I just stop thinking? I swear, I'm like a mental cutter!
Is there a pill to cure that?
Hey, maybe there is!
I've told my p-doc about the problems I have that have affected other people, but I never have told her about this particular obsession.
I guess I always thought it was more a spiritual thing: part healthy self-checking and part condemnation from the enemy (no, I'm not warped about the devil. I don't believe anything more or less about him than what the Bible says).
But it's CONSTANT--so maybe my "badness" is just another delusion!
Wow! I'll call my doctor tomorrow and see what she says!
See how wonderful SR is? I started off a post with one concern--then chewed on it, kept thinking out loud and projecting what various and sundry of you would respond--and I got what might prove to be a very freeing breakthrough!
Thanks, guys!
Sorry for another encyclopedic post!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Originally Posted by IWLSAST
This is exactly what happened with me. My desire to live became stronger than my desire to drink. Again, such strong talk as we continue to out that monster that is lying dormant. Yes, SG, pretty sure that for me it would only take one drink to restart that vicious cycle. I also share your moment of clarity, FBL...it remains vivid.
Cour, I took to heart every aspect of that post you directed to me. It helped me to set a nice tone for the day. It had much music, calmly working on my northern plan in writing and action steps, a few hours of work, a great gym workout, ending with a really good step 6 AA meeting. SG, I choose not to watch the Pens game and hit the sack early. Turns out, that was a good choice for staying calm.
I was working myself up into a frenzy over much of what you said, Cour. So crazy how that on-edge living can make its way back into my life so easily.
My new daily-start routine for the remainder of June will be:
1. Asking for the strength to stay sober another day.
2. Be grateful for my many gifts that day...
3. STAY CALM
4. Keep moving forward even through the tough sledding that is sure to happen on this journey north.
5. Accept EVERYTHING
6. Stay alert and aware of the signs that the Universe offers
7. Find joy in all the small things that I so often take for granted.
Courage....THANK YOU...your post just prompted me to write the most important to-do's of my trip. You rock, left-eye.
Have a good one, all. Again with the no-drinkin plan today for me.
SR Carlos
EDIT - Any thoughts on adding to my to-do list for my journey would be appreciated.
Cour, I took to heart every aspect of that post you directed to me. It helped me to set a nice tone for the day. It had much music, calmly working on my northern plan in writing and action steps, a few hours of work, a great gym workout, ending with a really good step 6 AA meeting. SG, I choose not to watch the Pens game and hit the sack early. Turns out, that was a good choice for staying calm.
I was working myself up into a frenzy over much of what you said, Cour. So crazy how that on-edge living can make its way back into my life so easily.
My new daily-start routine for the remainder of June will be:
1. Asking for the strength to stay sober another day.
2. Be grateful for my many gifts that day...
3. STAY CALM
4. Keep moving forward even through the tough sledding that is sure to happen on this journey north.
5. Accept EVERYTHING
6. Stay alert and aware of the signs that the Universe offers
7. Find joy in all the small things that I so often take for granted.
Courage....THANK YOU...your post just prompted me to write the most important to-do's of my trip. You rock, left-eye.
Have a good one, all. Again with the no-drinkin plan today for me.
SR Carlos
EDIT - Any thoughts on adding to my to-do list for my journey would be appreciated.
Thank you. I REALLY needed this.
I am NOT happy. I want to punch walls and scream and swear.
I went to court today and the f'n idiot DIDN'T EVEN SHOW UP.
I am having a massive war in my head right now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Glimmer, are we twins??
You are good peeps. I'd love to sit down and have a good long visit with you.
I am STILL frikken sober- Though I am fighting the SCREW EVERYTHING!! feeling and what is the bloody point anyways?!?
I just won't drink. Uggggggh
You are good peeps. I'd love to sit down and have a good long visit with you.
I am STILL frikken sober- Though I am fighting the SCREW EVERYTHING!! feeling and what is the bloody point anyways?!?
I just won't drink. Uggggggh
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
Originally Posted by IWLSAST
EDIT - Any thoughts on adding to my to-do list for my journey would be appreciated.
Deliza, I'm truly sorry -- you have much to be angry about. You definitely need a sober way to blow off major steam. Have you considered a punching bag? (not joking)
Gilmer, it seems like you just want some good old venting. Maybe you should get a punching bag too?
A few nights ago I had an experience between waking and sleeping. I was exploring the inside of my skull, particularly that part that often seems buzzing and heavy like lead. It was a gigantic terrain, with strange pockets that unfolded like the pockets in a shoe bag. When I got to the base of the skull I started climbing, and the terrain kept going up and up and spreading out, practically unrolling in front of me both higher and wider, all black and flat, like a football field in the dead of night.
Ever since then I've had the strangest sensation of mental emptiness. I feel like I scooped out my brain. I know I can still think because I can communicate, but my mind is absent and when I close my eyes I have little self-perception. I feel no desire, and no strong consciousness of passing time or place. No depression or torpor either. Just blank.
Weirdness. Just sharing
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,833
Gil, the longer I've been sober, the more I've been able to get out of my own head. Something profound happened to me after I watched my Dad pass away. I can't quite put it into words, but ever since that sad day, something's changed from within. I'm much more calm and relaxed and a lot easier on myself. I'm not a very spiritual person by nature, but maybe I am and don't fully realize it. Anyway, I hope you'll start giving yourself a break, you deserve it!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Carlos, you demonstrated every day, day in and day out, that you know how to walk the walk. I know you will do beautifully this weekend, whatever happens. Will you be putting your house up for sale? Is it bittersweet to break that final tie to Pittsburgh?
Keep us in the loop as you pass through challenging moments. We will learn a lot from how you deal.
Cour, I hope your blankness evaporates this morning. Hope last night's sleep made for a clean slate--in a good way.
Glee, how is work? I hope things are less pressurized this week.
Have you genned up the composure to give the gentle but absolutely necessary correction to your sponsor? The AA breach was definitely bad; but she's likely to post other confidential things to people on public pages unless she is told exactly what she did.
She doesn't seem like she is very familiar with the ins and outs of FB. I know I'm not!
To anyone else I missed, have a good, solid, and sober day!
Keep us in the loop as you pass through challenging moments. We will learn a lot from how you deal.
Cour, I hope your blankness evaporates this morning. Hope last night's sleep made for a clean slate--in a good way.
Glee, how is work? I hope things are less pressurized this week.
Have you genned up the composure to give the gentle but absolutely necessary correction to your sponsor? The AA breach was definitely bad; but she's likely to post other confidential things to people on public pages unless she is told exactly what she did.
She doesn't seem like she is very familiar with the ins and outs of FB. I know I'm not!
To anyone else I missed, have a good, solid, and sober day!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
Hi All,
Plan to take some time to catch up with everyone Thursday evening in some hotel room in at least northern NC....if not VA.
Yesterday I planed bodypump with my old gang in PA for Saturday morning. Then, lunch and golf with 3 lifelong friends at my fav golf course, Ligonier CC. Starting Sunday the work begins at my big garage sale (all my worldly stuff) for the following weekend, and Monday the process of selling my house.
Not really all that bittersweet. I moved into our weekend home at a lake during separation and divorce that is 1.5 hours from Pgh. Ex kept the family home. All I did was drink there for the first many years, so moving on is just fine with me.
Busy times and no time for drinking.
Best to all...catch up soon
Carlos
Plan to take some time to catch up with everyone Thursday evening in some hotel room in at least northern NC....if not VA.
Yesterday I planed bodypump with my old gang in PA for Saturday morning. Then, lunch and golf with 3 lifelong friends at my fav golf course, Ligonier CC. Starting Sunday the work begins at my big garage sale (all my worldly stuff) for the following weekend, and Monday the process of selling my house.
Not really all that bittersweet. I moved into our weekend home at a lake during separation and divorce that is 1.5 hours from Pgh. Ex kept the family home. All I did was drink there for the first many years, so moving on is just fine with me.
Busy times and no time for drinking.
Best to all...catch up soon
Carlos
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