F.I.S.T. #3 (Insert Non-Acronymical Nonsense Expression)
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,039
13 years of this nonsense and this was the best -- the least fear, the least shame, no degradation, few regrets. Even a few good bits, like my encounter with the western boot-maker.
The last year I went to one of these drinking, Vancouver 2012. The only word is sordid. Seven months from when I started here, which is a rough estimate of my bottom.
Glad & grateful to still be here, not there
The last year I went to one of these drinking, Vancouver 2012. The only word is sordid. Seven months from when I started here, which is a rough estimate of my bottom.
Glad & grateful to still be here, not there
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Sordid. I had some years of that.
I'm so glad I left that far far behind. This last round of drinking I didn't do anything "too" stupid.
Definitely not sordid. But I know sordid. Sordid and I were racing for the bottom.
I've been thinking about C2 telling me I have good boundaries and filter. Not so much, I just keep my contact with humans shallow and brief. Can't get in any trouble that way. I do have a much more developed sense of what I want and what I won't tolerate. Finding the way to tactfully tell people or divert the conversation when they have stepped, jumped, or pushed past my boundaries is where I'm at now. That and not giving a rip if they don't understand.
I'm so glad I left that far far behind. This last round of drinking I didn't do anything "too" stupid.
Definitely not sordid. But I know sordid. Sordid and I were racing for the bottom.
I've been thinking about C2 telling me I have good boundaries and filter. Not so much, I just keep my contact with humans shallow and brief. Can't get in any trouble that way. I do have a much more developed sense of what I want and what I won't tolerate. Finding the way to tactfully tell people or divert the conversation when they have stepped, jumped, or pushed past my boundaries is where I'm at now. That and not giving a rip if they don't understand.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,039
I associate 'shallow and brief' with my active addiction so much, that kind of interaction now is practically a trigger. Keeping all relations at that level is a shield or barrier for me, not a boundary, and I'm really good at barriers -- drugs and alcohol make shifty, erratic, alternately fuzzy and jagged, impenetrable barriers.
To get sober, I've had to go the right other way around & join the human race. And I'm having a hard time developing standards and appropriate styles of interaction. But I haven't given up yet. Alienation is my alcoholic mindset. If I go shallow, it's because I've internally written other people off, and if I do that, I'm drinking.
For some reason I feel really sad right now. Can we have a hug?
To get sober, I've had to go the right other way around & join the human race. And I'm having a hard time developing standards and appropriate styles of interaction. But I haven't given up yet. Alienation is my alcoholic mindset. If I go shallow, it's because I've internally written other people off, and if I do that, I'm drinking.
For some reason I feel really sad right now. Can we have a hug?
:Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Interesting. I came at recovery from the codie side back in 1988. I was trying to connect with people and it was having disastrous effects in my life.
Now I am super cautious. No need to be everything to everyone. That's just me, though. I don't buy into the "isolation/solitude as mental illness" dogma. That leads me to feeling lonely and depressed and I'm anything but.
Now I am super cautious. No need to be everything to everyone. That's just me, though. I don't buy into the "isolation/solitude as mental illness" dogma. That leads me to feeling lonely and depressed and I'm anything but.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
People think I'm the last person on earth who would isolate, but that's because I am required in my position in life to have social interaction. I'm actually very isolated in my heart of hearts. As far as emotional involvement in life goes, I'm very detached.
I feel deep emotion extremely rarely, so when I do feel it I am extremely clumsy.
I feel deep emotion extremely rarely, so when I do feel it I am extremely clumsy.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,039
I admire someone who can connect selectively and with good caution. I'm not there yet and I have (and always have had) lousy judgment about people. I invest energy where I shouldn't, and I only have so much energy anymore. I spend a lot of time in bed getting over every single day.
Someday people like us will all meet in the middle. Here, for now.
Someday people like us will all meet in the middle. Here, for now.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
SR is such a great melting pot for all different sorts of people. I learn so much from so many different points of view.
And I may not be "emotionally attached" by the standard definition (whose definition, anyway?), but I sure do enjoy and appreciate people.
And I may not be "emotionally attached" by the standard definition (whose definition, anyway?), but I sure do enjoy and appreciate people.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Hi guys,
I'm taking a duvet day. My oldest was sick last night and wasn't feeling well when he woke up this morning, so I decided to take the day off from work to keep an eye on him. We watched Card Sharks and the $25,000 Pyramid, tv staples when I was a kid. I tried to introduce him to The Facts of Life, but he wasn't interested in watching the girls argue over Tootie's Jermaine Jackson fan club.
I finally made it to my home group meeting. It's been a while, because of everything going on, and because it's not super convenient to go there and back at the start of the week, but it was just what I needed to nudge my thinking on the right track.
Courage - Hugs, friend.
Gilmer - Detached but interested, or however you describe yourself, I think you're a good friend.
Badge - Nice job immersing yourself into your fitness program. It's an area where I really struggle, so I'm inspired when others create healthy lifestyles for themselves. I've been slim before but I've only ever been unhealthily obsessive about micro nutrients, calories burned, or relieving anxiety through heavy workouts. My actions were always fear-based, never balanced, happy, and peaceful. I guess that's what I'm working on with fitness. (Lightbulb moment!)
Carlos - Enjoy your date for the Derby. Be sure to take some pics of you and JG dressed in all that race day finery.
A great take away from last night's meeting was seeking conscious contact with a higher power, the one who relies on me being the best possible version of myself, especially when interacting with others. Someone said that if she trusts that her hp always has her in the palm of his hand, then she can pray for input. My hp's input comes in handy when seeking what the "right" boundaries are in various situations, as well as lots of other things.
Tom, PJ, Del, Leigh, Dee, SG, and everyone else - Have a great day!
I'm taking a duvet day. My oldest was sick last night and wasn't feeling well when he woke up this morning, so I decided to take the day off from work to keep an eye on him. We watched Card Sharks and the $25,000 Pyramid, tv staples when I was a kid.
I tried to introduce him to The Facts of Life, but he wasn't interested in watching the girls argue over Tootie's Jermaine Jackson fan club.I finally made it to my home group meeting. It's been a while, because of everything going on, and because it's not super convenient to go there and back at the start of the week, but it was just what I needed to nudge my thinking on the right track.
Courage - Hugs, friend.
Gilmer - Detached but interested, or however you describe yourself, I think you're a good friend.
Badge - Nice job immersing yourself into your fitness program. It's an area where I really struggle, so I'm inspired when others create healthy lifestyles for themselves. I've been slim before but I've only ever been unhealthily obsessive about micro nutrients, calories burned, or relieving anxiety through heavy workouts. My actions were always fear-based, never balanced, happy, and peaceful. I guess that's what I'm working on with fitness. (Lightbulb moment!)
Carlos - Enjoy your date for the Derby. Be sure to take some pics of you and JG dressed in all that race day finery.
A great take away from last night's meeting was seeking conscious contact with a higher power, the one who relies on me being the best possible version of myself, especially when interacting with others. Someone said that if she trusts that her hp always has her in the palm of his hand, then she can pray for input. My hp's input comes in handy when seeking what the "right" boundaries are in various situations, as well as lots of other things.
Tom, PJ, Del, Leigh, Dee, SG, and everyone else - Have a great day!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
Hello All,
Offering a group hug. You guys are great!
Interesting discussions. GG, yes, we are very fortunate to have this site and thread to offer some of our inner thoughts. Having been to a step 5 meeting last night, it reminds how by telling others my character flaws I actually felt a freedom.
I'm different since practicing recovery. I've always felt comfortable in social settings, but, today, I'd have to say that seeking humility has me craving attention much less than in the BR (before recovery) days. I still get lost and go for the gusto on occasion - but, I can catch it in reflection and try to improve.
It's hard to change overnight. I guess I spent a long time trying to make people think I was something special....now, not so much. There are parts of living this recovery life that I'm good at and other areas where I'll probably never figure things out. But, one thing for sure...I hope to never allow deep dark secrets back into my life again.
Glee, thanks for your meeting recap. Understanding the gift of my HP is an area that I still need much work. While the HP in my life has evolved well beyond "fox-hole" it still is infant stage. Thanks for your insight.
Haha, I wasn't in all that deep of a mind set till I read this thread. Not sure if I even know a direction that this post was heading,
but, banana-almond flour-walnut pancakes are on my pre workout agenda and I need to get cookin.
Have a good one....no, no, no drankin/druggin here today.
Carlos
Offering a group hug. You guys are great!
Interesting discussions. GG, yes, we are very fortunate to have this site and thread to offer some of our inner thoughts. Having been to a step 5 meeting last night, it reminds how by telling others my character flaws I actually felt a freedom.
I'm different since practicing recovery. I've always felt comfortable in social settings, but, today, I'd have to say that seeking humility has me craving attention much less than in the BR (before recovery) days. I still get lost and go for the gusto on occasion - but, I can catch it in reflection and try to improve.
It's hard to change overnight. I guess I spent a long time trying to make people think I was something special....now, not so much. There are parts of living this recovery life that I'm good at and other areas where I'll probably never figure things out. But, one thing for sure...I hope to never allow deep dark secrets back into my life again.
Glee, thanks for your meeting recap. Understanding the gift of my HP is an area that I still need much work. While the HP in my life has evolved well beyond "fox-hole" it still is infant stage. Thanks for your insight.
Haha, I wasn't in all that deep of a mind set till I read this thread. Not sure if I even know a direction that this post was heading,
but, banana-almond flour-walnut pancakes are on my pre workout agenda and I need to get cookin. Have a good one....no, no, no drankin/druggin here today.
Carlos
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
You're a very good friend too, Glee. Thanks!
That's funny about your son not cottoning to "The Facts of Life."
I'm glad you got to your home group.
You're right, Carlos. It is freeing to open up about our character flaws--it's a lot cooler than being in denial about them! I used to confess them just to beat others to the punch--but now I make an effort not to lead off every conversation with running myself down. When I do something wrong, I do strive to own up to my fault and apologize; but I find that since I've been sober I've become more secure, so I treat myself with more dignity.
I know that I get into a lot of funny situations, though, so I'd darned well better retain the ability to laugh at myself!
But I'm not the default neighborhood clown anymore. I still knee-jerk that way. I'm always the one who has to fill up awkward silences.
What's that you say, Dee? "I stepped down from being the manager of the universe?" Too often I consider myself much more important than I actually am--yet I treat myself like dirt!
I guess the road to recovery is a long and non-linear process!
That's funny about your son not cottoning to "The Facts of Life."
I'm glad you got to your home group.
You're right, Carlos. It is freeing to open up about our character flaws--it's a lot cooler than being in denial about them! I used to confess them just to beat others to the punch--but now I make an effort not to lead off every conversation with running myself down. When I do something wrong, I do strive to own up to my fault and apologize; but I find that since I've been sober I've become more secure, so I treat myself with more dignity.
I know that I get into a lot of funny situations, though, so I'd darned well better retain the ability to laugh at myself!
But I'm not the default neighborhood clown anymore. I still knee-jerk that way. I'm always the one who has to fill up awkward silences.
What's that you say, Dee? "I stepped down from being the manager of the universe?" Too often I consider myself much more important than I actually am--yet I treat myself like dirt!
I guess the road to recovery is a long and non-linear process!
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