nexttime

And welcome to the group stellar

Viperidae

My car is back. They had to saw off and replace some rear links and do rear brakes too, which I didn't expect. The car drives like a new car. It's not surprising after all they did. Tight handling, stiff suspension, smooth ride, smooth braking. Maybe it was worth it. It is a Honda product after all. The power steering now has a growl and moan in it. He'll fix that.

I met a new hero today. My sister is the boating industry and she wanted me to meet this guy who is taking off on his sailboat. He had 20 years in IT, was married, had a house, all that. Never made him happy. He bought a good sized sailboat, spent a year fixing it up, and is going to live-aboard. He's leaving for the Caribbean. it's a nice little sailboat. Just enough room below deck. A small kitchen/living space, bath, and beds in the stem and stern. Totally my hero. Really nice and mellow dude. A kindred spirit. He just spent a month in Mexico doing Spanish emersion. He gave me the names of a several good spots to go.

I felt ill today, but I did it to myself, so I cannot complain. I got cookies and snacks again. I'll find something on TV or log in to Netflix/HBO on my laptop.

My poor sick friend is alone. Totally alone. And she's so bad. I'm glad I'm acting out of self love in not taking care of her. It's time to set my sights on the future. Still it does not feel good.

Talk tomorrow.

V

canguy

Purple....that's it perfectly.
I feel like I'd just really like to be able to step off this ride for a couple of circuits. But you know that it aint like that. There's no simple pick up right where you left off.

A grey, wet day here, silent and solitary. Just ride it out. Don't like Sundays.

Good about the car Viper....Honda's a pretty well made things.

Hello Stellar, welcome.

RetiredGuy

Stellar,welcome to the February class!

Daucuscarota

Sober Day # 63 after being dependent on wine, daily, for years.
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Welcome Stellar45!

You can call me Dau, everyone else does.
This group is great. It really helps to have company walking down this path.

badger257

Welcome Stellar! Just checking in a Saturday night. Will catch up with everyone tomorrow.

Have a great sober night everyone.

PhoenixJ

VIP- it is hard to maintain boundaries when someone you care about does not care for themselves. Stay safe.

Viperidae

Phoenix, it's incredibly hard to maintain boundaries. She can't take care of herself. I really think her free will has been taken by this psychological/physical illness. It's just heartbreaking. Thanks, I need to take care of me, I know that. I've got a ways to go. Recovery and building a life is a full time job. TY

VIPE

PhoenixJ

You are doing okay, v

nexttime

I have a quote or thought or a concept if you will that's been rolling around in my head for a week or so. I don't remember if it was advice from my dad or from a book or where i heard it but essentially it is this: "It's important to have something to look forward to." Everything I used to look forward to almost always involved beer. Hell if I had a bad day I could look forward to a beer (it was never A beer) at the end of it. I am struggling to find things to look forward to. Simply being hangover free no longer seems sufficient. I think I need to shift my thinking towards finding things to look forward to. Not just big events but day to day stuff too. I don't know if this resonates with PC and canguy but your last posts kind of spurred this one. Looking forward to atv riding later with some friends.

axeman5971

Happy to report that my wife is in with me starting to exercise this week. Walking, running, and biking. That is going to help a ton.

canguy

First.....It's a problem were lucky to have.

But that aside I know what you mean next. There's stages in this process, dealing with this is another one. It's actually been a big factor in my falling off around this point repeatedly. Just get 'bored' with the even sameness of sobriety. Start to want a 'break' from the everyday for a bit.

For me, maybe not others, there's a couple of things I've learned. I lead a pretty solitary existence, alcohol has played a big part in causing that as well as being the go - to temp solution. So its always tempting. I don't think I'm real good at dealing with psychic discomfort. Probably never learned psychic resilience because it was easier to drink. These are skills I need to make this work. Think I'm getting the hang of it better now.

Drinking has always been there as a pick up, a treat, a reward. Its not easy to relearn all that . You're used to the quick return when you're drinking. Everything's different inside 30 minutes.

Sober returns take longer. I'm lucky in that I've got plenty to do. Sober it gets done, and that's the current source of reward for me. I feel for the many ppl here who are obviously completely lost without the d.o.c. What's so good about being sober?, they ask.

The something to look forward to, the reward, is something you have to find to make this work. Maybe its small stuff at first then work up to bigger ambitions?

At this point.....it's definitely an issue.

Viperidae

We definitely need things to look forward to, whether they be smaller things like ATV riding or something at the end of the day, like a movie, or something bigger down the line that makes us want to stay sober (for instance moving to Spain . Seriously if I pull the trigger on something in my future that I want, I'd be more likely to stay sober, and work out (train) to get to that place in life. Feeling like everything is meaningless or hopeless is something I am trying to crush in my life. It doesn't help sobriety that's for sure.

I have a profound feeling that I lack an identity. I feel like a big nobody. I have an identity, it's a pretty good one, but it doesn't feel good enough. I don't feel good enough. My sister and I discussed it today. She thinks I have a strong identity. I always think that some object or thing that I want will make me 'something.' For instance I did a lot of photo documentary work in college. I felt like if I had a nice camera again, it would give me back that identity, 'a photojournalist type.' It hasn't. I don't use it. Im afraid of it. Every time I slip up and drink, that camera comes out. Odd.

Anyway, time to eat. More later.

V

PhoenixJ

Rewards- yes. That is why I push myself with painting- art. Even when I do not want to. The PROCESS of doing it, like going to a meeting- is the reward. I learn,grow and become more mindful and aware of myself.

rascalwhiteoak

Vipe, canguy, nexttime, I'm kinda there with you. Achieving some sort of ongoing sobriety is huge, but then ... like, what?

I guess this is where more sorted-out types would set and meet a goal. I've always been terrible at this -- other than stopping drinking, I've rarely set out to do a thing. Hell, the other night I googled "having goals" to see what I might learn. Apparently people get a sense of accomplishment from having them.

And this isn't to sound like I'm unhappy, I've sorted through a lot of my own stuff lately, and I'm damn proud of it. I'm a content person, but my emotions and ambition level don't go to extremes. Never incredibly sad, never incredibly happy. Probably a side effect of AD meds, but I'll take it considering.

But on goals, I think I need some, probably. My goal will be to have goals

axeman5971

Get back behind a camera, it sounds like a great hobby and identity, and maybe a way to see more hidden beauty in the world you wouldn't have seen or recognized before becoming sober.

canguy

Maybe a good goal is just to do something that you'd never do if drinking.

Got a couple of things done now like that. Just would never have happened under old regime.

Phoenix....my paints and canvases are all sitting in the corner of the workshop....one day. Soon.

PurpleCat

Hi all. Been an interesting weekend for me. I deliberately deviated from my diet/lifestyle change today in that I did not track a single calorie that crossed my lips. I needed to walk away from it - looking at my journal made that very clear, especially when coupled with what I talked about yesterday. Fortunately, there's no long term difficulties with a day long potato chip binge. :P I'll get back in the saddle tomorrow and I do feel in a better place now that I let myself go crazy (so to speak) for a day.

At my group on Thursday we talked about why people do things, including drinking to excess. The exercise was to think about what you are getting out of the behavior. For me, the drink after work started as a way to reduce the stress of my day. Over the years, it became a habit that started to have more negative consequences than positive ones. An analogy was made about taking the same path from your car to your door, across your lawn, every day. At first the grass is all fresh and springy - feels good under your feet. But eventually the path will get worn down and the grass will die. The path no longer feels good under your feet. But if you take a different path - even though it feels hard or weird - you can break the habit and things will eventually feel better. I dunno if this is coming out in an understandable way.

I did have one glass of wine at the Symphony. Rebellion more than anything else. None in the bar afterwards, nor at bowling tonight. Didn't want any and don't plan on having any more any time soon. Just wanted that one at the Symphony. To be honest, it didn't taste quite as good as I remember, and I don't think I got anything worthwhile out of having it.

Rascal, I'm a goal setter. If I don't set goals for myself, I'll procrastinate my life away. I feel good when I achieve them, but when I don't I struggle. I have a tendency towards perfectionism at times.

Anyway, enough about me. I hope you all have a great week ahead. It's a short workweek for me as our offices are closed on Good Friday. (ETA: That last part was about me again. Oops...)

nexttime

Viper for what its worth I feel you have a strong identity in this room. You have inspired me to think outside of my own tunnel vision of my life and I thank you for that. I wouldn't dwell on the past life of the camera. Decide on its future in your life and go from there.
Good for you PC! and the grass analogy makes perfect sense to me.
There are countless books and methods to help us with goal setting and achievement etc etc. I have made lots and lots of really weak attempts to find something that works for me but I think the biggest goal/bottle always got in the way. Hopefully now I can actually put something to a long enough test to see actual results and keep pursuing different methods until I find the right combination for me.
Canguy I like the idea of doing things we couldn't or wouldn't do before. Sets a goal if you will and helps find things to look forward to.
Well better get back to work. Happy Monday everyone.

Viperidae

Isn't it interesting the symbolism the camera has? A concrete object as a metaphor for my fears (and maybe of my life). There was a very traumatic part of of my life involving a camera and missing out on what very possibly could have launched a career. I did an Intensive Art Conservation Program in Rome with my college andit went well. However, the next abroad program ended up blowing up in my face. It was Intensive Photojournalism in Cambodia.

Not only was I one of 6 students accepted to the program, but the Asian Alumni Endowment Fund awarded me $10,000 to go. That covered everything but my flight and ancillary expenses. The professors running it were not sensitive men to say the least. One of them was just a straight up bully. I went to his office during posted office hours to show him a new camera and he erupted and slammed the door in my face. As the 5 day orientation approached I began to drink more and more heavily. I made myself physically ill. My throat swelled up so much the doctor gave me prednisone. Needless to say I did not make the trip. My family was devistaed and my father would not forgive me. And he had to pay the school $1500 to get me out of the whole mess. Hmmmmm. Fear of myncamera?????

I was about 40 when that happened. It still stings 6 years later. It's trauma deep down in there. What a monumental screw up.