joandmelandhan

Good mornimg all. Got a lovely morning planned getting my hair done (the greys need some serious attention!) and then AN AFTERNOON TO MYSELF!!!!! Time to look after myself again and focus on some relaxation and better eating. God it's like we're kids sometimes not adults! "Yey Jo you had an apple - good girl!" I mean really......?
Sim I totally get your thing about your real life loved ones not getting it. I spent months actually trying to convince my bf that I was an alcoholic but to him it just didn't make sense. I mean I'm not drinking out of a bottle sitting in the park right? It's true that only an alkie understands an alki I believe that and that's why group or online support really helps. Isolation is an absolute killer for me too. I'm not good at the friends thing. I guess being a closet at home drinker for so long has created that. But it's a process and a long (life long I pray) one at that.
Hi Elke, hi Camery, hi phoenix, hi Dee, hi flossie, hi CG and hi to any lurkers......have a lovely weekend xxx

PhoenixJ

Hello. I am good at lurking.

Simplicity4114

Thanks D I know I've been reading into it too much, trying to think of all the possible scenarios, driving myself batty and such. This whole developing new ways of coping without alcohol has a bit of a learning curve to it......
Normally I would've just drank any worry away (cuz that's good for the body ). I am learning though through all of this not to panic right away and I haven't picked out a coffin just yet. I'm a slow learner-lol

Simplicity4114

PJ-yeah you are

PhoenixJ

Hoping all are okay. Sunday, 1344 here. Rainy- but 30C, so humid. Bleah. I am doing okay, no thoughts of drinking these days- just reconstructing myself- a slow arduous process. I 'lurk' because to click on thanks to me shows support- but to post if I have not much to say- I don't. Learn more by reading than typing. I am slowly teaching this piece of original thought to my mouth/brain interface. (:-)>

Dee74

I'm a slow learner too Sim

D

Simplicity4114

Happy Superbowl Sunday Mayflies! Off with the Patriots heads! Brady doesn't need another ring, or MVP, or truck! God he annoys me. End rant.
In less touchy subjects, had a lovely visit with the grandchildren and kids Friday evening. Baby girl is growing like a weed, walking, talking, and just being plain old adorable! Grandson is having none of the potty training! What a pip. He has also shared with me that having to pick up his toys is "bull-*****". This led to a stand off/battle of wills between a 3 year old and his 39 year old grandmother. In the end, he caved and cleaned up his toys (Grandson-0 Oma-1).
Spent some quality time with my best gal pal last evening It was good to see her and goof off......I needed the laughs and I've missed seeing her (even though we talk on the phone twice a day-lol).
Not much on the agenda for today.....food, football, and SR! No cravings, but this will be my first sober superbowl in a loooong time!
Wishing everyone a great day!

tootiesdad

Hi all,
I haven't posted in awhile, and hope everyone is doing well. I need you guys today...

My wife has been out of town for the past week; it's been just me and my daughter. Unfortunately, I relapsed. I've drunk everyday since she's been gone. I'm sitting here hating myself for being so weak. I feel like sh*t, mentally and physically.

My wife gets back in tonight. I don't have a problem with quitting again, but it hurts me that I'm not strong enough to abstain by myself.

That's all...please tell me that I'm not a bad person. Hugs are appreciated...

Simplicity4114

Glad you're here Tootiesdad! You're not a bad person Recovery is a process, a journey, and many times it's not a spotless walk. Relapse is a part of my journey as well. Not a shining moment for me, but it happened.
Just begin again. Dump the alcohol, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn what you can from the experience, adjust your recovery plan if need be, and post-post-post away.
You're not alone in this.

tootiesdad

Thank you Sim - you have no idea how much I needed to hear that. A million times, thank you.

PhoenixJ

Toot- no one is TRSONG enough. To believe one can stop alone is not strength, it is pride- for me.

tootiesdad

You are 100% right. Just discouraging. I guess the past couple of days are a wake up call for me. I do not want to go through this feeling again...

Dee74

Hi tooties dad
Of course you're not a bad person

You've underestimated what it might take fro you to stay sober but thats ok - I did that too.

Staying sober when your wife is around is a good thing, but it doesn't mean much if everything falls flat when she leaves.

I did that too with two relationships and two partners

Did you have any kind of recovery plan at all? Or was it the one I used to use - basically I can't drink cos I'll get in trouble?

so I'd sneak a drink here and there, lie if anyone got suspicious, and really go to town when my partner wasn't around.

You need to be your own parent on this basically.

Doesn't mean you have to do it alone, but it means you can't rely on other people to keep you sober.

You need to want to stay sober and you need to be commuted to doing whatever it takes - even using this place more than you do could be a step forward?

You fell - it's ok...lots of us have...learn your lessons and move on...do you have any ideas on what you might do differently or how you might make a better recovery plan?

D

tootiesdad

Thanks Dee
My plan is to be more accountable here on this site. It worked before.
I have to admit, it helps that my spouse is resolute in me not drinking. I don't touch anything unless she's out of town. I guess that's the issue - I need to learn to be accountable to myself. She doesn't go out of town very often, so this is going to gnaw at me until the next time she travels.
I absolutely hate the way I feel right now.

Dee74

What about starting working on staying sober for yourself right now - that way when she has to leave again you can have the makings of a great plan and a great support network?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

tootiesdad

Dee, thank you. I need to have a backup plan, plain and simple. This just can't happen again. When I joined here what kept me honest was remembering the bad feeling I have now. I can't let myself 'conveniently' forget that feeling again.
Starts with accountability here.

Simplicity4114

Happy Monday Mayflies! Could not believe my eyes as the Patriots came back to win the superbowl. Painful to watch. Brady has a pact with the devil I tell you.
The hubs and I have off of work today. Probably a good thing. Today is my son's birthday. He would have been 14! Hard to imagine. I figure he would be around my height by this point. Lanky, voice cracking, acne, and an attitude this size of Texas (strictly based upon his brothers at that age). I feel robbed. Lately I've started rotating the photos of him on our wall. For over 7 years I've been updating photos of my boys & grandchildren watching them all grow, change, yet his picture always stays the same, frozen in time, an eternal child of 6. I wish I could go back in time and just not let him go with his dad that day. Tell him that he is not feeling well and keep him home with me. Safe. I try not to think of these things too often. It isn't good for me, but anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays have a way of awaken my demons from the past.....and this has become another Dear Diary post

Toots-We all have a way of conveniently forgetting the dark road alcohol leads us down. We also have quite a knack for glamorizing it in our memory banks....I'm doing it right now at 6am on a Monday morning. Not exactly how I wanted to kick off the week, but hey, such is the brain of an alcoholic. For me, the trick is to play the tape the whole way through.
For me it would go like this: Bloody Mary to justify starting so early in the morning. It'll hit my system like a wrecking ball because I'm not used to drinking. It'll be a quick release from my current mood, a numbing peace. The tears will dry but another demon will awaken. One bloody Mary will become 2 because I can never have just one. If one is good 4 or 5 is better. I'll be sick by noon and need to lie down. My speech will slur, the room will spin, my husband will be fetching a bucket for me to puke in. I will hang my leg over the side of the bed and place 1 foot on the floor in an effort to regain some semblance of equilibrium, yet somehow even when I close my eyes, the darkness will spin. I will try to hold off vomiting for as long as I can because I hate throwing up, but I will throw up. Hopefully I will hit the bucket.....its a 50/50 kind of thing. I will then pass out. A couple of hours later I will come to, the taste of vomit still in my mouth. I will have a hellacious headache. Pounding, throbbing, right in the forefront of my head. I won't want to get out of bed because #1-my headache will immediately get 10 times worse and #2-I will have to face my husband. So I will lay there praying to God that my headache will let up some and try to justify my drinking.....shouldn't be too hard on a day like today. I'd probably doze off on and off for a couple more hours and eventually peel my a** out of bed. By now the headache will be a little better. I will empty my puke bucket as quietly as possible hoping the hubs doesn't hear me above the TV, go brush my teeth, take some advil and do the walk of shame into the main living area. There I will need to defer direct eye contact, assessing the situation whilst trying to recall if I said anything stupid or caused a fight during my drunken stupor. I will apologize, tell that my grief got the better of me, and he will understand and love me anyway because he is a good man. It is not him that will judge me, it is me. The self condemnation and hatred will be ruthless, and my AV will be talking too. My mind will be a battleground, not just today but for weeks to come. What started out as 1 rough day sober will become much, much worse if I have just one sip of alcohol. Today I am 76 days sober. Tomorrow I will be 77 days sober. I am sad today. I may be tomorrow too. But I will not surrender my self respect, my dignity, and my hard fought sobriety. I made that mistake once before. I learned a lot from my relapse but I doubt there would be anything new to learn from another one.

Ok, now that the idea of drinking is out of my system I shall commence the original plan for the day....getting all of my tax documents together in one place....God be with me. One would think I would learn after all these years to keep all that crap in one place, but as I've previously mentioned, I am a hopelessly slow learner. Also on the agenda, a trip to the store.....so we have something to eat besides hotdogs.
Wishing you all a great day!

PhoenixJ

Simpl- such a brave post. Honest and courageous. You are an admirable and a good person. Yes it is hard. But we can all stagger (sober- like) along the sh#tty road together, can't we?

tootiesdad

Good morning all. Simplicity, thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you. No parent should have to endure What you have endured. I will definitely be thinking about you today.
Still not feeling 100% and still a little down, but both should improve throughout the day.
I hope everyone has a beautiful day...

Simplicity4114

Thanks for the kind words friend. Not feeling especially brave nor courageous at the moment but I will take your word on it As far as traveling this sh#tty road together, that's what I love about this community! We're all here, different load of crap in our carts but we're dealing with it all the same; placing one sober foot in front of the other, supporting each other, lending strength, and lifting each other up along the way! I know couldn't go this alone.
So in short, yeah, I'm honored to stagger (sober-like) next to everyone of you along this sh#tty, winding, pock filled road of recovery. Thanks for always being there!
Tax paperwork collection update: Progress is slow as I have different bits of info all over the place. Must regroup, refill coffee, and hunker down until the job is complete. New Year's resolution: Keep a tax folder. New Year's resolution #2: use said tax folder.