Notices

Class of April 2015 Part 12

Old 01-16-2017, 12:10 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
amp123's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
Yes, happy birthday! Can't believe I started writing my previous post with the intention of saying happy birthday and then wrote about something completely different!! That's how scatty I am at the moment!!!
amp123 is offline  
Old 01-16-2017, 02:36 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
Incontrol15's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Happy birthday SG!

Your thoughts look like mine around my bday. Actually... Everyone's thoughts looks like mine! It's a little erie. Not surprising I guess given the similarities right from day 1.

Anyway... I sincerely hope you have a great day.

This future self thing is really bugging me. Specifically that I have no vision at all. This was bugging me before the willpower video. That video just explained why I struggle with willpower today. Not just staying off mood altering substances, but exercise, diet, staying committed to work, house chores, finances, pretty much everything.

I feel undefined. Worse yet, I feel defined only by my past. I'm somebody who threw away a 15yr marriage, 20yr career, and failed at selling life insurance.

I'm making baby steps. Mostly, I feel, because I'm looking down or behind me. I'm not looking forward. I can't make big steps. It's amazing I'm moving forward at all really.

How do I fix that? That's what I'm working on. At first I focused on today. But very little sticks. I'm currently putting a lot of blame on the willpower issue, which brings me to my future self.

Maybe if I can connect with my future self at some level, my world opens up. I'm beginning to believe I may need to start in the middle. At least try to connect with my no so far in the future self.

Another thought is to use this opportunity to work backwards. To start with the end in mind. I've spent my life so far succumbing to the will of the universe. Very little steering on my half. I simply let go of the wheel. I don't like where that got me.

So maybe this is my chance for a redo. Why not go for the gold? Sometimes I think of running away and starting a new life in a new place. Why not? I have an entry level job anyway. I'm only a couple years into a relationship. No ring on the finger yet. Which is mostly my fault because I cannot seem to move forward. Then I question myself if that's because maybe I'm heading into a direction my subconscious mind doesn't want to go.

It's deep. Lots going on and a lot to wrap my mind around. I think the best I can do is work with today and try to push that envelope to include near term future.

I just don't want to move too far forward without knowing the direction I should be going. I don't want to end up down another rabbit hole. At 50yrs old, I feel like I don't have many more chances to get it right.

Then... To add to that mess... I realize that I'm over thinking it at times and setting too many expectations.

Also....
SG, your comment about being a dopamine junky. That's me bro. Again, everything you guys are saying I can relate to 100%. On the dopamine front, I've been learning some interesting stuff on how dopamine effects various parts of the brain. My inquiry stemmed from the willpower speech at Google. That the frontal lobe is where all the action needs to be.

I'm learning how sleep, meditation, diet, and exercise develops the frontal lobe. We all know how important each of those are.... Maybe not so much with meditation, but we do know it's beneficial.

Apparently the order of importance is:
1. Sleep 7hrs +
2. Meditate at least 10min /day
3. Exercise
4. Low glycemic diet.

I'm beginning to understand just how much of my thoughts and internal struggles are determined by which part of the brain is most active.
Incontrol15 is offline  
Old 01-17-2017, 02:07 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Quit 4/17/15
 
stargazer016's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,070
Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone!

I was a little taken aback yesterday. I had a period of self pity come over me."Poor me, I can't drink and have fun on my birthday anymore." I haven't had thoughts like that in quite a bit. I ended up taking a long walk in the park and that helped to clear my head.

Take care all!
stargazer016 is offline  
Old 01-17-2017, 02:12 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
amp123's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
That's the way, SG. Move a muscle, change a thought!
amp123 is offline  
Old 01-17-2017, 02:23 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Quit 4/17/15
 
stargazer016's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,070
I love that Amp!
stargazer016 is offline  
Old 01-17-2017, 08:24 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
Incontrol15's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Yeah... I don't know why they're called pity parties. It's ANYTHING BUT a party.

Just had my 50th. Thats an open ticket to party till you puke, Right? I was feeling pity the day before. Found myself setting high expectations 50th birthdays, and knew I had to snuff those thoughts out and quick.

Afterall, maybe my fiance had a surprise up her sleeve. Maybe dinner out to the awesome seafood joint I've mentioned I wanted to hit a few times. Maybe get a huge, juicy steak. What right did I have to already feel pity for something that hasn't even happened yet?

I was able to successfully bury those thoughts. Wasn't properly addressed I think. Just buried. No idea what else to do really.

Well... It ended up being pretty lame alright. We ate at home. Carry out BBQ and some crab legs from Sam's Club. The girls decorated for me. That was sweet.

Past that, I got a text from my brother and my oldest son wishing me a happy birthday. Nothing from my mom or my youngest son. It was pretty brutal. Thank God a had a day head start on dealing with the pity!
Incontrol15 is offline  
Old 01-18-2017, 05:15 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
 
Incontrol15's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
I scheduled an appt with therapist for next Tuesday

Here we go!
Incontrol15 is offline  
Old 01-18-2017, 07:12 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Quit 4/17/15
 
stargazer016's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,070
Inc, it's funny you used the word "lame" to describe your birthday. Compared to most of my birthdays over the years, mine was too. Dinner with the family, a few presents. Compared to the times of all day partying, it indeed looks kind of lame. But, spending the day with loved ones who care and accept you for who you are now is pretty cool.

I have had stretches in recovery, especially the last few months, where my life seems almost boring. I eat, work, sleep and repeat the next day. Drinking brought excitement- and tons of drama too! The newness of sobriety has worn off by now and like Amp and OMD have mentioned, I really have become a hermit socially. I wonder if others at our stage run into a "Is this all there is to sobriety?" at this point. I guess the flashiness of being newly sober has been replaced by the routine of living life each day not as an alcoholic and all the hell that came with living that life. Boring, lame and reclusive are better than drunk, stupid, and embarrassing.

We are always quick to remember the good times drinking. It takes a moment to remember the constant fighting with myself, trying to hold off on my first drink until 10:00am, and failing repeatedly. Amp, I love your analogy of being a 21 month old learning everything anew. That is pretty apt. We have to learn everything all over again. Frustration is inevitable, I assume. We have to remember it is one step at a time each and every day.

Have a great day all!
stargazer016 is offline  
Old 01-18-2017, 07:16 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Quit 4/17/15
 
stargazer016's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,070
Congrats on scheduling a therapy appointment Inc!
stargazer016 is offline  
Old 01-19-2017, 08:19 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
 
Incontrol15's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Originally Posted by stargazer016 View Post
..... spending the day with loved ones who care and accept you for who you are now is pretty cool.
Agreed. Thankfully I had a head start on the pity party, otherwise that day would have been a HUGE disappointment. I accepted what came and looked at that carefully instead of "looking at" what didn't happen.

I'm also beginning to realize my fiance would have probably appreciated some suggestions from me. I'm not one to do that at all. I don't even like asking for Christmas gifts. I expect to be surprised, then normally get disappointed. That's so silly. Done it enough times now to know better, at least on the disappointed side. I just go with the flow and appreciate what does happen (with a little awareness and work). I'm just now realizing that things could be even better if I make suggestions. After all, I barely know what would be fun for myself! How can I possibly expect somebody else to know?

Originally Posted by stargazer016 View Post
Boring, lame and reclusive are better than drunk, stupid, and embarrassing.
Yup. For sure. Not to mention one day of "fun" would be followed by 1 full day of hell, another day of not so much fun, then possibly a 3rd day of not feeling right. Depending on sleep, hydration, diet, and exercise. The funny part is....early on in my alcoholism, those days that followed would be viewed as positive. I would feel like utter crap, then think "Man...that was one hell of a good time!" Sounds pretty ******** to me. I'm thinking that was my addict voice trying to protect it's logic of partying hard.

Originally Posted by stargazer016 View Post
We are always quick to remember the good times drinking. It takes a moment to remember the constant fighting with myself,
You are so right. Thankfully the memories of how bad it was are still there. I think I've done a decent job of keeping those memories alive. I'm going through the same exact issue with my divorce. I am going to the phase where I remember all the good times. My birthday was one of them because my ex would have gone over the top to make damn sure I had a fun 50th bday. She would have partnered with my family.

I didn't do a good enough job of keeping the memories alive of why I wanted to leave that marriage, and as a result, I feel very strong guilt now. I was able to semi-solve that issue by talking with my former self. This exercise helped my drum up the feelings I had when I left and why.

At the end of the day, I'm looking at how boring and reclusive I am now and trying to solve it. I strongly believe doing nothing about it is not going to fix it. Maybe it will fix itself in time. But I'm looking to take an active approach instead. I'm just not sure what to do about it.

The only thing that seems most logical to me is putting myself in more social situations. I've been thinking of AA as a chance to make friends. Looking for ways to make friends at 50 is pretty hard. Oh...this reminds me that I had the thought of touching base with my family more often for now. Even facebook perhaps. I am so far removed from everyone, it's crazy. At the moment, I would be happy to be a hermit. Sounds awesome actually. All alone on an island. I'd probably never even clean myself.

I really do believe having social contact is important to our wellbeing. Something I've gotta work on and is on my short list with my therapist.
Incontrol15 is offline  
Old 01-19-2017, 10:08 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
Incontrol15's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
I just wanted to comment....

I never realized how much work it takes to be sober. Makes me wish I would have put more energy into this earlier. I think having a good addiction therapist would of helped. Same goes for divorce.

I'm absolutely sure of the fact that there's an emotional process for both divorce and addiction. With the right direction and follow through, I could speed things up a bit.

I'm glad I finally made an appt with a. Therapist. I have so much to address, I have no idea where to begin. My first appt is going to be 1hr where I'll drop everything that is bothering me.

After this post, I'm beginning to wonder if I should perhaps schedule another appointment with a divorce specialist.

I'll just ask my therapist what he thinks about it.
Incontrol15 is offline  
Old 01-19-2017, 05:08 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
 
Cauliflower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

Inc…I totally get you. I struggled with the picture of what my future self looks like. I thought I was the only one with no clue. I know the cliché answer: rich, successful, in my case a million dollar earner in my MLM biz….blah blah blah. But what will that take? What do I need to change? I’ve been meditating on a daily basis for some time now, and one thing I learned is that you just have to surrender, and the answer will come. So, recently, I did just that. I wasn’t going to whack my head against the wall anymore, beating myself up again because I had to clear goals or plans for the future. I’ve read that once you have clear enough goal that you can actually visualize yourself doing it, the chances are your body will follow and you will just take action, Magic! I felt defeated already, because I had nothing to visualize or work towards….I was drawing blank.
The other day I just surrendered. I read that you can just surrender what ever it is that is blocking you from moving forward, and trust that the universe will figure it out. I did just that, through meditation and journaling. I surrendered and patiently waited for the Universe to work it’s magic. I knew that the answer would come. And then it did just that. I saw my future self during a meditation, and she was happy, amazingly healthy, confident, non-judgemental with a plethora of close friends who all worked together to help as many people as possible in the mind -body connection. I know I have to meet new people everyday, it’s a personal goal of mine, to really connect with people. That is what I visualize every night before I go bed, and every morning. I write out my daily plan, and I visual myself doing it, and so far it’s working. I am working harder then ever, I have committed time for myself and my business and I use that time to honor my future self.
So maybe, you can try that. I know it sounds all fairy dust and unicorns, but it works! Just surrender, believe that the answer will come, and one day it will, clear as day. 
Cauliflower is offline  
Old 01-20-2017, 12:31 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Quit 4/17/15
 
stargazer016's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,070
Originally Posted by Incontrol15 View Post

The only thing that seems most logical to me is putting myself in more social situations. I've been thinking of AA as a chance to make friends. Looking for ways to make friends at 50 is pretty hard.
I have actually kind of been kicking around the idea of going to an AA meeting both to meet people and possibly help lend moral support to those worse off than myself. I don't necessarily subscribe to all of their ways of thinking, but they have ideas that have helped many folks. I did this whole quitting thing by myself for months before I even found SR. Who knows, I might even be an inspiration for someone!

I'm in the midst of working 20 out of 30 hours. I finally caught one of the nasty colds that have been flying around my work. It is going to be a long sleep derived day for me. At least I am not hungover!

Have a great day all!
stargazer016 is offline  
Old 01-20-2017, 01:41 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
OMD
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 560
Hi everyone,
I hope you all had a good week...

There is no doubt SG that you would be an inspiration. You, and everyone else on here, are an inspiration to me. No question. I read your posts and they act as a compass. No judgment, just good observations.

I was at a low earlier this week. I read your posts and they helped me rationalise things. Onwards and upwards!

Thank you
OMD
OMD is offline  
Old 01-20-2017, 01:48 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
 
Incontrol15's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
SG
I was talking to my fiance about it too. My only reserve really is the class of people that show up aren't my kind of folks. I've been to a few early on. Just a different crowd.

The trick, I believe, is to attend several meetings so I can find a group thats a good fit. I should do that too. Nothing but good would come out of hitting several meetings. Nothing but good.

Like you, my schedule is so screwed up though, that if I did find a meeting I like, I wouldn't be able to hit it consistently. So I'm holding myself back because of that too. Even though that's a silly excuse.

I did find a couple SMART meetings in my area. That's probably going to be a better fit. I picture less people forced to go because the courts made them go. I picture higher educated folk. And I picture folks who aren't as desperate and live relatively normal lives.

Given my fascination with psychology overall, I can see myself buying into that program a whole lot more.

Although, I do feel the 12steps are very important. They may not all be necessary to quit drinking, or even to stay quit. But I've come to believe strongly, for me at least, all 12 steps are necessary for moving on and living a happy / guilt free life.

I'm sure SMART has a similar process.
Incontrol15 is offline  
Old 01-21-2017, 12:19 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Quit 4/17/15
 
stargazer016's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,070
I am sure that any AA by me would run the gamut from bikers to white collar executives. But being just a few miles from the county seat, I am sure that a lot of folks would be court ordered to attend.

SMART always looked interesting and I like their bullet points. I am not sure how active they are nationwide. I ended up using the Rational Recovery online course because I could sit at home and read it, admitting to no one of my issues, plus it was free. I much later on picked up the book.

I am a last minute replacement for the opening manager today, who succumbed to a stomach bug. Fighting a nasty first of the season cold with my alcohol free NyQuil. I remember having a cold early on in sobriety, and I began to dose on the regular NyQuil, which is laden with alcohol. As soon as it hit my lips, sirens went off in my head and I spit it out. It was amazing how it was an immediate trigger to my brain. That's another reason I know that I can't drink any longer.

Have a great day all!
stargazer016 is offline  
Old 01-21-2017, 06:56 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Member
 
Cauliflower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
Good morning. Hope you are feeling better soon SG. I find lately I've been reluctant to taking any medication. So strange, even tylenol makes me think. I guess, we are just instinctively being more aware? Not sure.

Talks of AA helped me remember about a tv show that I watched on the plane. It was a sitcom about this single mother of two who is a recovering alcoholic. She goes to AA and takes to the podium talking about herself and how she was raised by an alcoholic mother. Then when she sits down, the woman behind her tells her she shouldn't blame the parents. The young mom turns, rolls her eyeballs and says hi mom. I know it doesn't sound funny the way I'm writing, but it really was, and it was well done. I can't remember what it was called, I think it was "Mom". I watched the 3 episodes they airline had loaded, and they end up forging a relationship in recovery together as the single mothers teenaged daughter adds to the dynamic.

I, myself, used the online Rational Recovery, and it really helped me seal the deal this time around (this is not the first time I quit, but it certainly is the longest). I would be reluctant to hit an AA group, people in my area tend to talk, and everyone knows us, especially my husband, who lived here all his life, so it would through the whole concept of Anonymous right off for me.

The weather is stunningly beautiful! All this snow is actually melting, so strange, but I know it won't last, so we are going to spend some time outdoors today. But, first, we have to get our butts in gear for hockey practice!
Cauliflower is offline  
Old 01-21-2017, 08:28 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
 
Incontrol15's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Cauli... Im pretty sure I saw that

SG... Get well quick buddy!
Incontrol15 is offline  
Old 01-21-2017, 09:02 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
 
amp123's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
Hey, SG! Hope you're feeling better?! I'm doing ok. A bit down recently. Business is hard and I feel a bit nervous. Going to need to downsize which will mean some difficult conversations. I sometimes miss being able to switch off with alcohol but I know that's not for me.

Just wanted to say that you guys continue to inspire me too although I'm having trouble nailing down the whole future self thing! There is an illusive quality to the image that I try to conjure up, and on bad days he doesn't look much like someone I'd especially like to meet! I might need to give that a bit more time!

Hope you all enjoy the weekend!
amp123 is offline  
Old 01-22-2017, 02:15 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Quit 4/17/15
 
stargazer016's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,070
Amp, I sorry business is challenging and that you have to downsize. That must be an incredibly difficult conversation to have to have with someone. I have had to let people go, but it is usually for direct violations of company rules like stealing or attendance issues. It is still unpleasant even when it is deserved.

Sometimes I still miss that instant switch off that alcohol provided.At times, I still will go to bed with my mind racing. Usually though, I wake up in the morning feeling a little better and very happy that I did not drink the night before. Waking up in the morning just feeling tired is way better than waking up tired and hung over.

I think that not being able to visualize your future self now is to be expected. Whether we realize it or not, we are still evolving and changing pretty dramatically still, well into our second years of sobriety. Most of us drank hard for many decades, so it would seem natural that it will take more than a little while to discover who we really are as people with our brains not addled with intoxicants. Like so many things in life, it just takes some time.

Have a great day all!
stargazer016 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:27 PM.