Martin1

My last post was 18 months ago.

I can't put into words how low I was when I made that post. I had always wished I would never know what it's like to feel so low that suicide feels like the only solution but when I last posted, that was how I felt. Life had completely lost it's 'colour', absolutely nothing mattered any more and I would feel a weight drop onto my chest when I woke up and realised I'm still here and still have to go on. I was absolutely terrified of facing the next day. As far as I was concerned there was no future and I needed to stop the pain right now. I lost about two stone of my bodyweight, would only eat every two or three days and was bed ridden for roughly six months. My legs had become so weak I would struggle to get up and down the stairs and the day I walked outside for the first time in months I could only manage a distance of about 100 metres.

I am not quite that bad now but I'm not better yet. I went to the doctor and told them I don't want to be alive any more. I am on the max dose of fluoxetine and also propranolol and I've been on medication for just over a year. Yesterday was my 1,000th day sober, so through all that I somehow managed to stay away from alcohol. But I did slip into self harming (less frequent now but I occasionally still do it).

I hope I can be here to post in another 18 months. I never want to go through that again.

Dee74

I'm really glad to hear from you Martin. I often wonder what happened to some members

I'm sorry it's been such a struggle - I hope the way ahead will be easier

I'm am so glad that you've made it through all day, and stayed sober though. That's something to be proud of I think, and inspirational for others to read

I hope it won't be 18 months before you post again

D

Martin1

I'll try to be around again. Thanks for your nice reply and not forgetting me, Dee.

Dee74

d

Martin1

Do any of the old posters still post here?

Dee74

I know Barbs and Tekink are still around Martin. PhoenixJ too.

I'm glad you dropped by - wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas

Martin1

Thank you Dee. I wondered how a few were doing. MeSoSober, Helen, CAGY and more.

I am still sober.

Don't feel good atm.

Merry Christmas to you Dee and to all on here x

Dee74

Sorry you don';t feel well Martin.
I forgot - CAGY is also around

D

Martin1

Tomorrow it will be three years exactly since I got sober.

What is the consensus on food with alcohol in? I ask because over Christmas I had a dessert that had some alcohol in, I didn't know until I'd eaten it. Obviously didn't get drunk cos it would be a miniscule amount. Personally I don't think this counts.

Dee74

Hi Martin

I certainly wouldn't reset your sober date if you didn't know

I don't eat food with alcohol in the recipe but other do - it's a up to you to set your own boundaries about whats good and whats not I think?

D

Martin1

Thank you Dee. I will try to reward myself tomorrow and mark this anniversary. I've been on here since 2012. I didn't succeed until 2016. If anyone is reading this who is struggling with this addiction don't give up, you can do it.

Happy New Year everyone and all the best for a sober 2020.

HelenofTroy

Hi everyone!

Martin I'm glad to see you still here and posting. I'm sorry you have been through such a difficult time; I hope things are looking better for you these days.

I've just had my 4 year anniversary of when I first quit drinking this week. I had completely forgotten about it, and a reminder popped up on my computer screen. What a nice surprise! My mom has been cleaning out her basement and was telling me about dumping all kinds of old booze she came across. I had no reaction; she could have been throwing away old newspapers for all I cared. If this would have been 5 years ago I would have cried for the waste of booze! My life is pretty good these days, no doubt. Several people in my life occasionally comment on how happy I am these days.

I hope you all are well. Sending hugs and support.

Martin1

Four years sober in ten minutes, as it will pass midnight in the UK.

Still can't believe I have gone this long.

Sending you al best wishes and hope you had a good Christmas.

Dee74

Happy New Year Martin and congrats on 4 years man


D

HelenofTroy

Happy New Year's Martin - congratulations! That is great news! I hope all is well in your world

Dee74

Happy New Year to you too Helen

D

Martin1

Five years sober on the 30th.

For anyone who reached this milestone how did you celebrate the occasion?

I feel like this is a big achievement, I've been on and off here for almost a decade and it's a long time to have a problem with alcohol so to be sober for five years makes me feel proud.

But I do think a lot about the time I spent drinking and I wish I had stopped sooner or even never started.

Hope my classmates are well.

Dee74

I'm really glad to hear from you Martin congratulations on your milestone

I'm not sure I did anything specific to mark 5 years but I've gone out to dinner or bought things I wanted in other years

Spoil yourself a little maybe - and Merry Xmas

D

Martin1

You too Dee 💜🎄

Martin1

Just passed my 7 year sober anniversary.

At this time of year I like to remember what I have achieved and where I was when I was at my lowest.

Alcohol does not control me any more and I am grateful every day for that.

I hope all my classmates are well.

Special thanks to Dee.

Love and best wishes to you all for the New Year.