Martin1

How are you feeling in general? Do you feel it is helping?

I feel like for anxiety episodes like this medication would help me.

I need to do something but the pressure is immense. If Dee sees this, what I've been PMing you about is an issue that makes me reclusive and difficult to speak in person.

HelenofTroy

Good morning folks.

Martin your comment about your thinking leading to anxiety made me think of this article.

I did a bit of organizing yesterday. Does anyone ever get everything in their home organized? No matter how much I do there is always another area that needs to be done. Once again I'll say "this is the year I get my home organized" lol.

Have a good one everyone.

PhoenixJ

I have long term serious depression- diagnosed. The antidepressant was carefully decided upon- although the specific one and dosage took some 'tweaking'. If my depression is a razor sharp sword- the medication dulls the blade. It makes the physical anxiety manageable. I do this with also careful management of recovery and behaviour by seeing a counsellor. Anyadvice you need has to come from a doctor. :-)

SomeSortOfHuman

Hi Martin - I don't have much to add, but just wanted to say I'm rooting for you and you don't need to feel embarrassed here. The advice to speak to your GP sounds good - there seems to be more recognition these days of how much anxiety can affect people, so there is help out there. It might be meds, it might be talking therapy - or maybe something like mindfulness. You might have to try a few things to find the right "fit" for you - might be a process rather than a quick fix, but it will be worth it.

When you relapsed, it would have been so easy to stop posting here and give up, but you didn't. That says SO much. Keep going.

xx

SomeSortOfHuman

After feeling so good about things over Christmas, I had a really bad day yesterday - massive bust up with my husband and came very close to drinking, which took me by surprise.

I think that if I drink again, it won't be because I'm feeling relaxed or celebratory - it will be a deliberate act of self-sabotage. I do have a tendency to push the big "Self Destruct" button and do things fuelled by anger and pain in the moment. When I feel self-destructive, all the reasons not to drink become the very reasons I want to drink - if that makes any sense? I want alcohol not despite the disastrous impact it has on my life, but BECAUSE of it. It's an impulse in me that really worries me - I can come up with a plan to deal with it when I feel calm, but once I' worked up, all "plans" go out of the window. Luckily, there was still something in me yesterday that stopped me actually doing it.

HelenofTroy

SSOH I think I know what you are talking about. I also have a history of sabotaging my own best efforts. I think on some level for me it is a case of I will do it to myself before someone else can do it to me. You can't hurt me because I already did the damage myself. Wierd, I know. I don't know what the answer is but I do think being aware of it is the first step. I wonder if it can be compared to "the beast" and to separate ourselves from those thoughts as if they are coming from someone else. Would that make us more protective of our own best interests? Worth a try, I'm thinkin'.

Barbs

Wow Helen and SSOH, I wonder if all of us here feel that way. Self sabotage and hurting myself before someone else takes it upon themselves to hurt me is the story of my life. I am the 8th of 9 children so I had 7 siblings putting me in my place from my earliest memory and the youngest one somehow just bulldozed over me lol.

It's not always easy to be good to myself but I am trying to change my thinking. Eating healthy and exercise help me a lot.

SSOH I'm glad you didn't give in to the urge!

Martin I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. Please keep us posted on how you're doing...wishing you the best.

PhoenixJ

The trick is to work out WHY we self sabotage- otherwise the drinking can be replaced by some other dysfunctional behaviour and the problem does not fix itself- needs work. Stuff like eating, smoking, playing RPG's, isolating, fixating on sex- whatever. My new word describes this stuff well- ugh.

Dee74

I think for some of us self sabotage is a way of trying to bring back control. I wasn't very good with change - it terrified me...I didn't know what was ahead.

I'd get a little distance away from my last drink and think maybe drinking wasn't so bad, at least I knew the parameters there.

Don't let fear win guys - getting sober and staying that way has been one of the best, if not the best, thing I've ever done

D

Dee74

Hi Martin

if you feel you need medical help, do it. However badly I felt about myself I knew Drs had seen worse.

Noone batted an eye, really.

D

Martin1

Just wanted to say thanks for all the kind words and advice from everyone. I am not in a good place right now. Just want to sleep forever.

Drinking is the last thing I want to do, btw

HelenofTroy

Good morning folks.

Martin I am glad to hear you don't feel like drinking but I am really worried for you. Perhaps talking to a doctor would help.

I treated myself to a mani/pedi yesterday. It was late in the day and I was the last customer, so my manicurist asked me if I would join her in a glass of red wine. There was a time where I would have been all over this, and then fretted about how soon can I get home to have more to keep it going. I smiled and said no thanks, I have my tea (I had a cranberry pomegranate tea in my travel mug). I think she was disappointed as she didn't have one herself at that point (perhaps she did after I left) but that is not my problem. Baby steps, people!

Have a good one everyone.

Martin1

I have emailed an organisation asking for help. I am finding each day difficult. Parents worried.

Barbs

Martin I'm glad your reaching out for help. Good luck.

Martin1

Thank you Barbs.

My mom has suggested going to the local Snooker hall and playing Snooker with my dad. I am most likely battling BDD as well, though because of an accident a few years ago I acquired permanent facial (ears?) deformities that have killed my confidence.

I set myself some challenges for this year. To walk to the end of the road, then round the block, then meet with an old school friend and slowly try to get my confidence back and beat this.

I thought how it would feel to face the world yesterday and walk outside in bright daylight and just felt overwhelmed and petrified.

My parents are trying to help me so much I couldn't have a better family, they won't be here forever and I just want to repay them and make them proud but it is so hard to get the courage and I feel useless.

Martin1

I don't mean to keep making this thread all about me by the way, sorry if it appears this way. This website is one of the only places I can vent and be open about my life.

HelenofTroy

Martin I certainly don't feel that you are making this all about you. I see this place as a space for us to share our challenges and triumphs and to support each other. I am glad you are able to share what is going on in your life.

SomeSortOfHuman

Hi Martin - it honestly never occurred to me that you were being "all about you" - I think we have all needed to confide here at some point, so please don't feel worried about that and keep posting when it's helpful.

Reaching out for help takes guts - so many people never find the courage or motivation to do that, so good on you. I don't know if you've been in contact with them, but Mind are a great organisation in the UK - they can often provide help themselves, or are a useful source of info about organisations that can offer specific help in your area.

Well done Helen for turning down the drink with your mani-pedi. I had a similar scenario in the hairdresser just before Christmas. Previously, I would have been impatiently waiting for them to offer me an alcoholic drink - and then feigned a bit of "Oh go on then, you've twisted my arm". I'm amazed how many situations I come up against where I would previously have made them about booze.

Something that has really started to annoy me is the trend for t-shirts / greeting cards / home furnishings etc aimed at women with "cheeky" references to wine or prosecco: "Love, Laughter and Prosecco" / "Is It Wine O'Clock Yet?" / "Keep Calm and Drink Prosecco". Is it just me, or is this stuff EVERYWHERE? It's like constant brainwashing! Ugh. Anyway, rant over!

HelenofTroy

Good morning folks.

SSOH, it is everywhere! Social media, real life media, in the stores... there is no getting away from it. I have read quite a few articles recently about how women's alcoholism is escalating and it is no wonder. I was so grateful I had my travel mug with tea when this happened to me. I know I would have still turned down the wine but it was so much easier to do with my own drink in hand.

Spent a lazy day reading yesterday. Not much else going on at the moment.

Have a good one everyone.

Dee74

I'm glad you're looking for help Martin

Glad you're going OK Helen

I never notice those things anymore SSOH but I used to see it a lot on things like Facebook

D