clearlyheaded

I've been doing a lot of reflecting during my commute...my dedicated recovery time. Listening to other's stories keeps pinging those light bulb moments, and I'm trying hard to pay attention to them. I don't think I fully realized how dangerous my drinking was in my 20's. I blacked out a hell of a lot. I put myself in terribly dangerous situations. Nights on the town in Chicago by myself completely obliterated. I'm very lucky. The reprieve I had from drinking when I was pregnant followed by the slowed-down-ness after DD was born probably saved my life. But it's also tricky. My drinking in my younger days was so reckless, that it seemed to "mature" over the last decade (that of course would be my addict brain talking). Although clearly, completely alcoholic, there is a functional component to my drinking life that makes it easy to live in denial. In fact, if it weren't for the health complications I have from so many years of alcohol abuse, I'm not sure I would be open minded enough to have started this journey into sobriety.

I'm also understanding how destructive alcohol was to my marriage. While I'm not sure we would be together regardless of my drinking, it's clear that there was no room for my husband in my life. It makes me feel awful, what I put him through during our 15 years together.

Anyway, lots on my mind tonight that needed to get out so my brain can rest when it's time for bed.

Thanks for listening.

clearlyheaded

AK - co-sleeping is necessary sometimes. DD was in my bed until kindergarten, lol.

Thirteenth

List three accomplishments from today, no matter how small:
1. Assisted one of our people with a billing issue and resolved it.
2. Set up new equipment for an individual in my department despite some troubles.
3. Saying please and thank you are a big part of my life, and I'm happy to say that despite my issues, that's one thing I can always count on. I'd guess I said thank you 10-20 times today, please maybe 5-10.

I am sorry to say that I did not remain sober. I lost a filling yesterday after my long dental situation was finally resolved. Back to that, clearly. I'm also rather concerned about a family member I've been trying to reach for over a week. I intended to go and do a wellness check yesterday but didn't feel up to it if there's an issue. That must be done this week. Tomorrow. I don't think there's any reason that something might be wrong, but it's unusual for my calls to go unreturned for so long. Of course, I'd expect that someone would know something and I'd be informed, but...

For that reason, I have not gone back into writing my story. I'm a little overwhelmed by the what ifs.

I started writing yesterday as a distraction but I'm also apprehensive. I thank you all for your feedback and encouragement. It's a work in progress much like myself. I still feel so close and yet so far away.

PhoenixJ

13th- keep going, keep posting,..stuff happens.
My 3 things for today
- I went completely out of my comfort zone and made myself do an activity with people in recovery I usually avoid.
- Part of this was also involved on the way t(o the beach/reef/jetty for a day's snorkelling) took us close to my family home- which I am disowned from and most of my possessions abide. Last time I was there was Aug/'15
- While snorkelling (have not done this for about 25 years)- I carefully pushed myself as far as I knew I could to stretch and exercise my crispy bits.
- Changing into the wet suit needed me to ask for help, it was full sleeve/leg and I had a little bit too much warning pain to put it on alone. So my chest was revealed in all it's glory to the public voluntarily for the first time since crispy time because I needed help putting the damned thing on.
I did not feel too wanting to avoid some of the recovery people. I did get teary passing near my home, however got through the day without going to pieces. Although very self conscious about crispy chest- I did what I had to do to get on with the snorkelling. So another day of small steps. As to the snorkelling- there WERE fish. The shark plane/helicopter watch patrols were out but there were NO Whities. or blue ringed octopi.
So a 7/10.

Purplrks3647

Early check in this morning....(I am awake, right??? )

I woke up at around 2 am to the power going out. Apparently it wasn't just the house because within 15 minutes the truck for FPL was across the street....then of course my skeptical mind starts wandering if that really is them.....there are guys walking around out there with flashlights....that could be anyone!!! (Yep, I can be a bit of a worrier!) Anyway the power was back after an hour, and it set a good perspective on how easy it is to take things for granted.

Let's keep going today!

samantha14

Good morning class. After a stupid long day yesterday I've decided that people suck....lol. Why do people feel the need to belly-ache, whine and complain about everything...it's annoying.

So....based on that rant I obviously need to watch myself today....I am angry and tired. Eighteen hours at work yesterday, no sleep, being unable to visit my Dads gravesite and having tomorrow off make this a dangerous time....will do my very best to check in here more often....

Three things for yesterday;
- I didn't drink
- I competed a project I had been working on for a long time
- I ran before work

Happy Tuesday all....thanks for putting up with me <3

clearlyheaded

Good morning class. Slept pretty decently. Got just over 7 hours, some broken sleep, but I still feel a thousand times better waking up sober. looking forward to some startin' fluid once I get to work. In the meantime, I'll enjoy my morning diet coke. Horrible habit I've had since high school. But boy does a cold diet coke taste good first thing in the morning. I'm weird, I know, lol.

Hope everyone has a good day.

Sam - stick close. Sending get through the day vibes to you!

Bobbieka

Good morning!

Thirteenth - sounds like you had a very polite day yesterday!
CH- Hey!
Phoenix - wow. You had some day yesterday. High fives and hugs.
Purple - GnR will be here this summer. They vowed to never play St. Louis again. It's going to be huge, I think.
Applekat - Good morning. Homework for today? PS - I got two pair of lularoe leggings and a cute T in the mail yesterday!
MITA - have a good one!

Samantha! What is your tea for today?

Have a super Tuesday, Super People!!

Applekat

"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop."

clearlyheaded

Did you get some sleep last night, AK?

Applekat

11-4 perhaps. I woke up with the crud, too. No fun. No breaks for mom. Day 9.

Bobbieka

Hugs, AK

PhoenixJ

Do GnR have wheel chair access to the stage?
I have been listening to some AA speakers online. One guy was saying once when he saw a newbie after a meeting looking lost, trying to get home. He offered him a ride. Good stuff- service work, an old timer sharing his years of wisdom and knowledge- reaching out to help a person who is suffering.

This speaker then describes the thoughts/feelings he had-'why should I help this puke? Nah- I give him a ride, that way I can feel good afterwards for being such a saint.' The voice that corrupts......
Sometimes with me it is a bit like that- just need to get on with what needs to be done and ignore THAT voice.

Purplrks3647

Hello there! Just got done w/ work....heading to the gym 4 a bit....AV is dangling a glass of wine in front of me so it needs a good bitch slap!

Applekat

Hi everyone! I'm here, sober night. Hubby is having a glass of wine - yes, that last bottle of red I mentioned on Saturday night. Who takes that long to get through a (normal size) bottle of wine?! Oh right, "normies".

Not triggered at all. Feeling like junk! Minor progress. Usually when I feel sick like this I will make a joke we should get some whiskey for the cough. Ha.ha.blah.

Purplrks3647

I am back! I've been on the SMART website the past couple of days....there's an online meeting tonight at 8 that I'm planning to attend. Not sure how it works; figured I would at least sit in and see what it's like.

Watching the movie Anger Management ~ Jack Nicholson is my favorite!

samantha14

Checking in. Came home around four and fell asleep....weird for me....I don't nap. Anyways up now and going to read a little. I'm off tomorrow so hoping for a restful sleep. My oldest daughter is coming over and we are going to binge watch Gilmore Girls.....looking forward to it. Hope you're all well!! ❤️❤️

PhoenixJ

Sam- what is your GG higher power telling you? Haha. Enjoy with your daughter. I claim ,even now to hate Grey's Anatomy- but I still cried when that perfect boyfriend was dying after a heart transplant with that "would you just lay here and just forget the world' playing (sniff).
Purp- I attend SMART weekly, have done for 6 months now. I like it.
AK- NO progress is minor. Good- I find the thought, smell and 'happy' recveryists sharing 'back in the day- it was so funny that time when I was drinking/using...but I would not do that now' stories.
B- congrats again. How are your Xmas rituals gearing up with your family?
AK- crud happens- always settles. Mum needs to make sure she has mum time. 10 minutes with the BB and a coffee?
Sleepy- I agree with the sleep and coffee bit. But diet coke first thing in the morning. No- pure coke-cola, ice cold. The original- the only (for me). Yes, alcohol + me + marriage + divorce because of the damage. I am sad and remorseful for that. Cannot change it- but I am ever so slowly learning from it.
13th- thoughts and prayers and support and friendship to you. Keep sharing. It's our COM- our little group.
Hello to all of you. PJ

clearlyheaded

AK - feel better! Hot tea, a mug of chicken broth, a hot shower...all of those are so much better than whiskey or wine! Hope you get good sleep tonight.

Sam - I just started watching GG. I'm only five episodes into the series. It's good mindless tv. Good for the weekends!

PJ and Purple - Two Recovery Elevator episodes I listened to in the last couple of days talked a bit about SMART. Might be worth checking out for me too. As far as I know there aren't any F2F meetings near me, but I like that they have online meetings.

Bobbie - Hi, friend!

Had a few times where AV tried to creep in today, but I shut it down. I had opportunity to stop at the store before meeting DD at basketball practice, but kept driving instead. Now we're home, fed, and I'm in my pj's getting ready to watch This is Us.

clearlyheaded

Ugh, I feel the crud coming on. Chicken broth and watching GG in bed for the win.