MariahGayle

I'm sorry about the situation Obo. Sounds like they needed to go & questioning it all isn't going to change the outcome on the visit but puts you in a better place to take a deep breath & put sobriety at the forefront of it all & know that is all you have to do right now.

I only have about 10 days again right now, it's a devil of a thing the alcohol. Grab back hold of it Obo.....were all on the same bus. Hugs to you

MariahGayle

Thinking of you all.

obosob

I also explained that if this didn't work out, and we couldn't get along that it would always have an affect on my relationship with my wife and baby's relationship with the UK family.

That this was the last thing I wanted.

He has done this to hurt me.

I mean let's face it I am an alcoholic and I do have issues. I get angry etc...

But knowing this I kept out of the way. Left them to do some work around the place, offering tea etc...
He yelled at me yesterday as to what I'd done work wise.....
"What have you done"....
We spent 4 moths getting the place ready.
About 20k setting up a studio.
Sanding, painting, builders, plumbers, electricians.....

I'm telling you all now it wasn't me. But I was a part of it and I couldn't turn it around.

Bottom line is they don't like me. Her mother told her before we were married that she didn't like, that I reminded her of her father. He has massive anger issues.

Jesus, the wife is going to be upset......

I'm staying sober, mostly out of fear!

Dee74

I really believe that both you guys have the capacity for change

(((Mariah and Obo)))

D

obosob

Thanks Dee, Mariah right with you!

Needless to say I'm in for the bargain......

Hope all are faring better than I......

Upward2Enlightenment

I'm doing ok here. Things could be better but, they could be worse.
Have 2 months ciggy free.

Hang in there obo and Mariah.

I hate to sound like a broken record but, have you checked into any counseling for the anger?
That being said, I have to call today to see about seeing someone about this depression. I have the male condition of, I don't need to go to the doctor.

In for the bargain.

obosob

I've woken up this morning, with a sick feeling in my stomach.

I know in my heart that if I was still on a sober run, and still working a daily recovery plan, that this wouldn't have happened.

To an extent it's all my fault as I chose to not completely **** alcohol off. Because I'm clearly sick in the head. Worse still I haven't seen a professional in relation to anger or anxiety, after constantly stating that I would.

So my selfish, drunk, wanna have everything, thoroughly out of balance mind has to an extent created this. I'm aware they had many chance too etc..... but in the end my crap has caused grief for my wife and therefore my baby.

I drank on Wednesday, so I'm on day 3 of a new recovery, of which I intend to never let go.

I'm also going to find someone who can help me manage my anger and angst better.

Thanks for reading and the support!

I really need it........

obosob

Up, 2 months is great....

I bet your lungs are much better. Do you feel better physically/emotionally???

Noolan

Mariah- Congrats on the 10 days! We all are on the same bus of addiction. Keep fighting the good fight.

UP- Congrats on the two months smoke free! I took your advice and got the free patches. I went a week with no vaping and thought I could taper of the patches in that time period. It failed and I decided to vape again until I have a break from school. So will give it a go Monday.

Obos- Sorry to hear about your family troubles. I went through some similar struggles with my family the past 3 years and also with self acceptance and worth. For me, I had to discover my self acceptance and self worth is an internal achievement. If I can keep that in order, it radiates out to the external. On the other hand if I am trying to seek approval and worth from the external, it's a foundation composed of variables out of my control and it always left me hollow inside. Therapy helped me tremendously in that regard. Keep fighting!

Well, it's been a pretty easy week. I worked at the family business all week and it was all good. I start the new job on Monday and will be finishing up my final homework and first semester of graduate school this weekend.

Being 11 months into this sober go around, it crazy how old feelings crop up. I had a great meal I cooked myself and have been watching a show on Amazon I enjoy. Seemingly out of nowhere, I was beset with feelings of loneliness. I haven't gone this long without a romantic encounter in many years. I know I'm doing everything I need to do and when the time is right something will materialize. Yet, I did have a strong urge to drink. Not one in which I acted on, nor do I think I would, but it's a reminder of the fickle nature that is my condition. I don't think wanting love or feeling unloved is a trigger for me to drink. I think my previous solution of drugging or drinking them away just creeped in. Good news is I already feel better posting this and remain in for the bargain!

Noolan

Oh and I've been jamming to this song a lot recently. It's really describes my last few years. It's been an arduous process, but life is getting better. It's not all gum drops and roses, but neither was active addiction. Life is rough, but it's fair.

I hate to say it, but these last few years have been hell
But patience pays off finally
I hate to say it, but these last few years have been bell
But patience pays off finally

obosob

Thanks Noolan, that's a very accurate overview of my personality in relation to my family.

May I ask what sort of therapist you saw?

Noolan

Well, I'm now studying to be one, but I don't think you should wait 2.5 years.

My therapist utilized psychodynamic, insight-oriented, object relations, cognitive and behavioral, Gestalt, relational and stages of change theories. There are many more approaches though. I think in general therapy helped me to correct poor behaviors and the means in which I was coping with things beyond just drinking and using.

obosob

Again Noolan thanks...

I've called a therapist, a psychoanalyst dealing with anger, angst and family issues.

We spoke briefly on the phone, my first appointment is next Tuesday 11.00am.

For some reason I feel really emotional about it!

It's been too long, and as I said to her (very understanding type) if it's not for you maybe you can refer me to someone who could help. I checked her out online first, it's a start in the right direction anyway.

I'm bloody sick and tired of being angry and angst ridden.

freein14

Obo, what is done is done. It's in the past now. At least you have some time and space to start planning your recovery. The absolute best thing you can do as a husband and father is to focus on your sobriety. Really, that's all you need to do. Forget the in laws, you and Mrs Obo can sort out that issue at a later date, just focus on getting yourself back to good health. Whatever it takes.

New bridges can be built, but only if you are healthy enough to help build them.

Focus on getting beyond the addiction, it's that that is sabotaging your efforts to live life fully.

I know it's painful at the moment, but put all of that energy in to your recovery. Start 2017 with over 2 weeks of solid sobriety, and hit the New year strong.

Don't look back, just keep looking forward and you'll conquer this without doubt. <3

obosob

Thanks Freein.

freein14

That's great that you've got an appointment already Obo!

It's interesting that you mentioned getting emotional about it. When I made my first post on SR I can remember being really tearful, looking back I realise that it my "higher self" saying: "At last.......at last you're seeking some help, you'll be fine now...." I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

freein14

Mariah, I'm sending you out some love and positive thoughts right now, hope you have a window open to receive them <3

obosob

Me too Mariah, 10 days is the start you need....

izzy8

Hey everyone- wow I've missed out on a lot! Sorry about the inlaws Obo- that's tough. I really admire your taking responsibility for your part even though it seems like they make things pretty hard on you. Please keep us updated on what you think of therapy

Things have been pretty busy around here. Finally went back to aa. Just don't want to admit to husband I still have a prob and they count days in aa - he asked the other day if I had drank since summer ... there were a couple of times he asked and I denied it. So having to fess up eventually is what scares me... I'm still struggling and he has no idea to what extent.

I know I need help- just scared.

In for the bargain for the rest of the weekend

obosob

Thanks Izzy, aside from 15 months sober April 2014-July2015, where nearly everything went right.
Bought house...
Landed job in HK in a few days....
Got pregnant....
Had baby.......
lost weight looking good,
friends all back in the scene...
happiest I'd ever been as an adult....
(still a whinger though...!)

My whole adult life, on reflection, has been a mess of anger and angst.
That's a fact!

I've been looking back again. I only ever took acid once, when I was 19, and after that on coming down I had my first anxiety attack, eating corn chips, needing a drink of water, I jumped a friends fence and drank out of the pool....

The acid triggered an anxiety issue in me, which I also think comes from my parents abusive relationship......

Looking forward now to therapy on Tuesday, so someone can help me line all this up and establish a maintenance plan......

I watched reviews of the chimp paradox last night, 3 areas of the mind...etc....

I like analogies. I can understand them more often than not, over a difficult text.

My Chimp is a real nightmare.....!

I have a strength now that I haven't felt in a long time. Reminds me of 2014, when I first got sober.

Sunday morning here in Melbourne, cloudy but warm enough.

Hope all are ok!