Windancer

I think telling your family so you become more accountable sounds like a great plan, Martin1.

MBS Check In: I feel emotionally raw, physically mediocre and spiritually curious.

I had a brief nap after going through some more things in my grandmother's house. Thank you Dee, for the new items I have for my kitchen. I was really lacking in the drinking glasses department. And the new comfy couch will certainly come in handy. But it is so hard to go through your things and be in your house and remember that you are never coming home and I'll never hear your voice again.

I came back and had a brief snooze. It was a troubled snooze. I woke up feeling out of sorts and that something was wrong. And I really didn't want to go to AA tonight but I know as soon as I get back into the swing of things I'll quickly look forward to and enjoy AA again.

Heading out to feed the horses soon. I got some things in town to help my older gelding put on some weight....horse shopping whoop whoop.

Dee74

Hi and welcome back Martin

I'm not trying to put you off the idea at all, but what will telling your family do for you do you think?

D

Windancer

AA meeting was short and sweet tonight but I'm glad I went

Goodnight (or good morning) all my September friends!
I look forward to checking in with you all tomorrow

CuteNGayYay

I went to a speaker meeting tonight myself. Overall good day. Hope to hear news on the job I interviewed for and on others I sent resumes to. I at least feel like I'm getting things done or trying to. Technically Into my 43rd day now and am going to bed. Let's have a great Thursday all!

HelenofTroy

Good morning folks.

Good luck with the job perspectives CAGY.

I was just laying in bed, all snuggled up and warm, with the windows open and listening to a gentle rain. Then the dog decided he needed to go out lol. So I'm up and at it. I got lots accomplished yesterday. I can actually see progress being made in my house organizing. Just having my coffee and then time to get busy before I have to head out for bowling this afternoon.

I just checked my app and today is day 22. This is where I was at when I had two glasses of wine last time. I really don't have any interest in a drink at this point, although it is 7am lol. I'm sure that will change as the day gets on but I will be fine.

Have a good one everyone

Martin1

Sorry I didn't respond quicker.

Thanks guys, I'll keep coming back, I want to stop drinking.

Well done on 42 days CAGY.

I haven't actually said to anyone that I have a problem with alcohol other than on here and a doctor once during a panic attack. Maybe it would go some way to accepting it. I suspect my parents may have an idea but I've not said anything.

Dee74

Fair enough Martin

If you think telling people will help that's great but I think it's even more important to do something - take some action, you know?

the harder you can make drinking again the better I think - think about recovery plans (I know you've had that link before) or think about more support - being it counselling, a doctor, an outpatient rehab programme or meetings - if face to face support like that is too overwhelming for you, maybe an online AA SMART or Lifering meeting could help?

D

Martin1

After my assessment this weekend I'll see my doctor. I need to book an appointment for medication and to discuss my mental health. I've been talking to Samaritans by email so far.

I didn't know I could do this online, I've never heard of them. Do many people do this?

Thanks Dee.

SomeSortOfHuman

Keep talking to Samaritans, Martin1 - they saved my life. If you feel able to talk to your parents, that could be a really positive step too.

I'm feeling very strung out with work stuff at the moment. I've been here before. I know I need to make some massive changes to my work life, but the prospect terrifies me.

Hope you're all doing OK.

xx

bikube

Hello September class

Yesterday was 30 days for me. I feel pretty numb and apathetic about it at the moment. I have no desire or strong cravings for drink at the minute, but I know that can change.

All other areas of my life are pretty much in disarray. I feel pretty lost and down at the minute. I cried during my share at AA last night and left during the meeting. Now I feel kind of embarrassed about it, like I can't go back. I'm at least a decade or two younger than everyone else there and I'm worried that they judge me for that or for getting emotional? Sometimes I feel like they look at me and think I can't possibly understand the struggle of being an alcoholic in comparison to someone older/with more life experience.

I don't know, my thoughts are kind of all over the place at the minute. My friendships are mostly gone due to my drinking and my relationship with my parents is very strained at the moment.

Anyway, glad to still be sober.

Windancer

Congrats on your 30 day milestone bikube

Awe I slept in this morning. So I feel behind and busy and blah. I need to get on a better and more organized routine.

I have an appointment with my lawyer this afternoon ... and I'm not looking forward to it. These legal things have been very triggering for me lately, I'm not afraid I will drink. I'm afraid I will have a meltdown.

Martin1

Does anyone else have difficulty using the chat room?

Works on mobile but not PC, even with Java installed.

Windancer

Ugh....this legal stuff is triggering me every time in a very intense way. I end up having suicidal thoughts (don't worry ... I am NOT suicidal, just some dark thoughts) and I get terrified and angry and just so upset. For the first time in a long time today I felt like getting hammered. I knew in my heart I would not do that ... but I kinda felt like it.

MBS Check In: I'm feeling emotionally terrified, physically drained and need to fan a spiritual spark.

I also got confirmation that I will be doing an intense inpatient program at Hope Place for a month. I'll be there Jan. 3 to Feb. 3. Good way to start the new year I guess.

SoberRobster

Hi Martin - I'm on my 28th day and probably the best thing I did was coming completely clean and telling all my family and closest friends, it was far easier than I thought. In my case most knew I had a problem it was just the extent they did not know. I found it very cleansing to let it all out and their on-going support has been a massive help. I even had my ex-wife help clear my house of all alcohol and the one massive bonus is each day I am getting stronger and trying to repair some of the awful things I did when I was drinking.

Windancer

In less I've missed something, I haven't seen Snarly on here for awhile.

I'm thinking of you Snarly and hope you are back soon!

~Blessings~

HelenofTroy

Windancer, you are right. Snarly seems to be MIA. Hopefully we have a sighting soon. I am glad you were able to find a program that is close to home so that you can feel more confident about your fur babies. And I am assuming your parents are helping out in that regard. We need to be thankful for all our blessings. I'm sure that brings peace of mind to you.

I caved today. I was at the butcher's and bought myself a beautiful t-bone steak for dinner. I never buy steak for me alone, but I went there knowing that I just needed a meal for one night with no leftovers as I am going to my husband's house tomorrow for the weekend (long story but we have been in a long distance relationship for 21 years due to work - we live together most weekends). Then I bought a jalapeno pepper to fry up with some onions to go in my mashed potatoes. So as I'm starting to cook all this I'm thinking of how this special meal needs red wine. And I did. Simple as that.

It is no surprise to Dee and other mods, I am sure, that I am not committed to long term sobriety. So from that perspective, does it make sense for me to continue to be a part of this group? I am trying to make positive changes in my life, but as much as I have read so much information as well as my own lived experience telling me that moderation is a pipe dream, I still really really want to take one more test drive down that road. Is it unfair to others that are working so hard to maintain sustained sobriety if I continue to post here? I am trying to be completely honest with the group and myself, so I will not post that I haven't been drinking if I have.

I had three glasses of wine tonight. I was ready to stop at two - I was satisfied - but my AV said that if this is a one and only shot then I'd better have another to make it worth my while. This has left me very confused,

I'll leave it at that.

Have a good one everyone.

emme99

Hi Helen,
Your dinner sounds amazing
I drank on Monday, and it has been a struggle every day since to not drink. I wish you success in whatever path you choose, I think moderation would be hard. Thinking of you

Martin1

Not a great night's sleep, spent ages trying to drift off with bad anxiety, beating myself up over everything. I think a big part of my MH comes from comparing my life with other people which makes me feel worse and hopeless. Feel sick over my assessment tomorrow. My dad's friend is coming with me to support me, he is really good with this sort of thing.

Next time I get a craving I will come straight on here and post on the thread. I'm trying to think of a plan.

But yeah, not great at the moment.

Dee74

I'm not aware of any chat room issue Martin, but best wishes on your assessment - it's in your best interests so try and not be too daunted by it

D

Martin1

Cheers Dee