One Year & Over Part 42
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,841
Thanks for the new part Dee!
Well, hell has officially frozen over...I joined Facebook (or as Itchy calls it, Facecrook) this morning! Now I can waste even more time on the interwebs
Well, hell has officially frozen over...I joined Facebook (or as Itchy calls it, Facecrook) this morning! Now I can waste even more time on the interwebs
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Good morning, dear friends,
Thanks you so very much for your support! I know I will get through this (one of the benefits of age
). I think that defining this group as non-judgmental friends is spot on!
Dharma, I also was one of those people with very few friends (but always one or two priceless ones). I'm discovering that there are probably more people like us than the ones that are very sociable.
Thanks you so very much for your support! I know I will get through this (one of the benefits of age
). I think that defining this group as non-judgmental friends is spot on!Dharma, I also was one of those people with very few friends (but always one or two priceless ones). I'm discovering that there are probably more people like us than the ones that are very sociable.
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,180
My heart and sympathies go out to you Saskia. I can't imagine the anguish you must be going through dealing with your daughter's situation.
Congrats FBL on Facebook. I rarely post anymore, but it is a go way to keep in touch with old work colleagues and distant family members.
Have the best day possible Overs!
Congrats FBL on Facebook. I rarely post anymore, but it is a go way to keep in touch with old work colleagues and distant family members.
Have the best day possible Overs!
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,054
Morning, Overs-
Thanks, Dee for the thread
FBL, welcome to The Book of Face. lol
The political stuff I don't touch with a 10-foot pole, but I have reconnected with some relatives and old friends which has been lovely.
Enjoy your Sober Saturday, everyone!
Thanks, Dee for the thread
FBL, welcome to The Book of Face. lol
The political stuff I don't touch with a 10-foot pole, but I have reconnected with some relatives and old friends which has been lovely.
Enjoy your Sober Saturday, everyone!
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,042
Hi All, hope you're having a good or useful Saturday.
I've not been on SR for a few days and that's feels odd and not so good. Being here is still very very important to me being sober and coping with all the changes I've had.
So......... glad to be back on.
I've just read back a little on the previous thread, Saskia that sounds really a really challenging family situation. I've no wisdom, except when sometimes I have no answers I try to think, "one foot in front of the other today". It seems to help with feeling overwhelmed. Sending you lots of love and strength.
I've been doing lots of reading and research on the aftermath of a relationship with a narcissist, dare I say "sobering stuff". Seems to help that I have a name for it and process to follow / expect.
Love to all.
xx
I've not been on SR for a few days and that's feels odd and not so good. Being here is still very very important to me being sober and coping with all the changes I've had.
So......... glad to be back on.
I've just read back a little on the previous thread, Saskia that sounds really a really challenging family situation. I've no wisdom, except when sometimes I have no answers I try to think, "one foot in front of the other today". It seems to help with feeling overwhelmed. Sending you lots of love and strength.
I've been doing lots of reading and research on the aftermath of a relationship with a narcissist, dare I say "sobering stuff". Seems to help that I have a name for it and process to follow / expect.
Love to all.
xx
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
FTG, when I calmly think about it, I realize that the dynamics of my relationship with my daughter have been going on for far too long. Long ago I felt some guilt because I felt that I was a far from ideal mother. Yes, I made plenty of mistakes but I don't think I was a terrible mother. I don't think my daughter took advantage of that "consciously on purpose" but I've noticed that every time I try to help, she blasts me for it.
So I realize that somehow I need to find a way to let go of the guilt feelings, remind myself that I did the best I could and let it all go. She is really very much beyond my help now and it's OK for me to be a bit "selfish" and to take care of myself from here on. Easier to say than do but it's nevertheless the way I believe I need to follow as much as possible.
So I realize that somehow I need to find a way to let go of the guilt feelings, remind myself that I did the best I could and let it all go. She is really very much beyond my help now and it's OK for me to be a bit "selfish" and to take care of myself from here on. Easier to say than do but it's nevertheless the way I believe I need to follow as much as possible.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,042
Saskia, you sound incredibly strong and wise, so so hard to be these things in family relationships / dynamics.
When your daughter "blasts you", have you said anything? I don't really know (of course), but I wonder what she might say if you mirrored that your a bit stuck in that bit of the relationship ?
Sorry if this is not relevant
xxx
When your daughter "blasts you", have you said anything? I don't really know (of course), but I wonder what she might say if you mirrored that your a bit stuck in that bit of the relationship ?
Sorry if this is not relevant
xxx
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Thanks, Gilmer and FTG. When my daughter blasts me, I tend to feel helpless and it ties right back into my feelings of inadequacy. I don't have the feeling that she is much beyond being in her own misery - and I think she unconsciously lashes out because it works or for some unknown reason. Long past time for me to stand up for myself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
The discussion about children with social and psychological issues hits home. My 12 year old son is on the autism spectrum. He is hyperactive, emotional, and struggles when he interacts with people.
((Saskia)) - I'm so sorry for what's happening with your daughter. Your loving detachment sounds like the right approach.
I was a troubled kid myself, having developed crippling anxiety at age 11. Throughout my teens, I would rage at both of my parents for the damage their divorce, subsequent financial problems, and lack of emotional support inflicted upon me.
Today I drove past my grandmother's old house, where my mom and I moved when I was 10. I rarely go by there, or even talk about my childhood to my kids. My 10 year old son said, I'd never want to live there! It got me thinking about my anger, about how mad I was about the advantages they didn't provide for me.
As our conversation progressed, my anger turned around as I realized that I was sharing a major success story. I went to college, got a scholarship, used financial aid/loans, graduated, worked at progressively better jobs, got married, bought a house, and now provide more for my children than my parents provided for me. It's the first time my anger has ever been eclipsed by my gratitude.
When I feel frustrated, gratitude can sure turn my attitude around. I'm amazed that it can even soften deep, long held resentments like mine. Saskia, here's to hoping your daughter finds some peace and serenity too.
We are lucky to have such nonjudgmental friendships here, that teach us to be kinder to ourselves. I'm amazed, blessed really, to watch that spill into my real life relationships. The friendships that have flourished since embarking on recovery are sweet, mutually supportive, and fun!
((Saskia)) - I'm so sorry for what's happening with your daughter. Your loving detachment sounds like the right approach.
I was a troubled kid myself, having developed crippling anxiety at age 11. Throughout my teens, I would rage at both of my parents for the damage their divorce, subsequent financial problems, and lack of emotional support inflicted upon me.
Today I drove past my grandmother's old house, where my mom and I moved when I was 10. I rarely go by there, or even talk about my childhood to my kids. My 10 year old son said, I'd never want to live there! It got me thinking about my anger, about how mad I was about the advantages they didn't provide for me.
As our conversation progressed, my anger turned around as I realized that I was sharing a major success story. I went to college, got a scholarship, used financial aid/loans, graduated, worked at progressively better jobs, got married, bought a house, and now provide more for my children than my parents provided for me. It's the first time my anger has ever been eclipsed by my gratitude.
When I feel frustrated, gratitude can sure turn my attitude around. I'm amazed that it can even soften deep, long held resentments like mine. Saskia, here's to hoping your daughter finds some peace and serenity too.
We are lucky to have such nonjudgmental friendships here, that teach us to be kinder to ourselves. I'm amazed, blessed really, to watch that spill into my real life relationships. The friendships that have flourished since embarking on recovery are sweet, mutually supportive, and fun!
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Thanks Dee!
FBL I did too a couple of months ago but locked it down so no one can send invites, see my stuff except for friends, one only, my youngest son. I use it to read FB only articles and links. I rarely use it to log into anything. That gets reported home for more spam.
Sassy,
Good for you. And as was said, and I did for years, be there for her when she wants advice and someone to say they love them, enough to let them earn their own life lessons.
Dharma,
I need to get rid of my ten foot poles. Today there aren't any poles long enough.
FTG,
The reality of narcissism rarely is seen when under their spell and believing we are dependent on them. I am glad you are building up some immunity.
I am scrambling for a solution to my problem with the surgeries. We realized that we can't leave our house unoccupied because of son and his gf threatening to rob us, and the druggie niece and in laws living with and next door to her dad with Alzheimer's could take advantage in ways we could never imagine from our perspective with her gone. I wish I believed in survival of the personality after death so I would feel that they would get some consequences I can't provide. But they just lost my hesitance to have any of them arrested in the future.
FBL I did too a couple of months ago but locked it down so no one can send invites, see my stuff except for friends, one only, my youngest son. I use it to read FB only articles and links. I rarely use it to log into anything. That gets reported home for more spam.
Sassy,
Good for you. And as was said, and I did for years, be there for her when she wants advice and someone to say they love them, enough to let them earn their own life lessons.
Dharma,
I need to get rid of my ten foot poles. Today there aren't any poles long enough.
FTG,
The reality of narcissism rarely is seen when under their spell and believing we are dependent on them. I am glad you are building up some immunity.
I am scrambling for a solution to my problem with the surgeries. We realized that we can't leave our house unoccupied because of son and his gf threatening to rob us, and the druggie niece and in laws living with and next door to her dad with Alzheimer's could take advantage in ways we could never imagine from our perspective with her gone. I wish I believed in survival of the personality after death so I would feel that they would get some consequences I can't provide. But they just lost my hesitance to have any of them arrested in the future.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Guys,
my post was in my sleeping Surface Pro 3 as I reverted my main system to the Win 10 version just before the Anniversary update.
At this stage in my life I refuse to be daddy to my grown son's child personality. I had some guilt early on but that was when we did our best and had him challenging us for the whole first 18 years of his life. I'd raised him and saw him through survival and no addictions through his early teens.
I can't blame him for any of my issues but the reverse is true as well.
I have a brother who remains estranged at 60 blaming his childhood for his current dissatisfactions in life. WHAT A CROCK!
Our dad abandoned us when I was 6 and left the continent. He was a Subject to the crown, and successful in his life later. He was in the USAF when I was born but never became a citizen. We never saw a dime in child support and grew up in the projects on welfare. He never even called. I later found him after his death and a half brother who it turns out went to Cambridge and all the trappings of the successful UK family. They never contacted us or me, and when I found that half brother he shared some pics and his great success running major enterprises on the continent. I was hurt at first for just a day as I thought it through. See, I was loved and not abused, and had a wonderful maternal grandfather and mother who I lived with along with my now deceased younger brother. Back then I relied on me, and learned I was not the only egghead when I went on scholarship to a Piarist run school for gifted children. I worked a job from age 12, became a trained Sous Chef before age 17, and blah blah blah.
My point? If we should be enabling them who is there enabling us? Oh, that is different? I ask them. These people relatives or not, are not going to be there for their kids for a simple reason.
They have yet to take responsibility for themselves, their decisions all along the way, and their behaviors and consequences.
We all know how both sides of that self pity party street feels.
I did not copy the bad (and good) of the role my father played. I watched my wife begin to do the very things she swore she would never do/say to her kids when we were dating and she was 17.
I gently reminded her and said that she was free to read books, take classes, and my oldest was such a chore we went to counseling to learn tools to deal with him when he was only three.
I am proud to say I am the product of a poor but loving mother, and invented my own role of man, husband, father. Took a lot of reading, research, and even counseling. Before I had serious problems.
With no guilt, I wash my hands of my oldest. His brother and mother all said the same. When he gave in to drugs and refuses to seek treatment, then defrauded his grandfather with Alzheimer's, that was the final line for us all.
It is sad. For him. We can't be held responsible for their adult decisions, nor should "feel" responsible for their rock bottom.
Not even a thought for alcohol.
my post was in my sleeping Surface Pro 3 as I reverted my main system to the Win 10 version just before the Anniversary update.
At this stage in my life I refuse to be daddy to my grown son's child personality. I had some guilt early on but that was when we did our best and had him challenging us for the whole first 18 years of his life. I'd raised him and saw him through survival and no addictions through his early teens.
I can't blame him for any of my issues but the reverse is true as well.
I have a brother who remains estranged at 60 blaming his childhood for his current dissatisfactions in life. WHAT A CROCK!
Our dad abandoned us when I was 6 and left the continent. He was a Subject to the crown, and successful in his life later. He was in the USAF when I was born but never became a citizen. We never saw a dime in child support and grew up in the projects on welfare. He never even called. I later found him after his death and a half brother who it turns out went to Cambridge and all the trappings of the successful UK family. They never contacted us or me, and when I found that half brother he shared some pics and his great success running major enterprises on the continent. I was hurt at first for just a day as I thought it through. See, I was loved and not abused, and had a wonderful maternal grandfather and mother who I lived with along with my now deceased younger brother. Back then I relied on me, and learned I was not the only egghead when I went on scholarship to a Piarist run school for gifted children. I worked a job from age 12, became a trained Sous Chef before age 17, and blah blah blah.
My point? If we should be enabling them who is there enabling us? Oh, that is different? I ask them. These people relatives or not, are not going to be there for their kids for a simple reason.
They have yet to take responsibility for themselves, their decisions all along the way, and their behaviors and consequences.
We all know how both sides of that self pity party street feels.
I did not copy the bad (and good) of the role my father played. I watched my wife begin to do the very things she swore she would never do/say to her kids when we were dating and she was 17.
I gently reminded her and said that she was free to read books, take classes, and my oldest was such a chore we went to counseling to learn tools to deal with him when he was only three.
I am proud to say I am the product of a poor but loving mother, and invented my own role of man, husband, father. Took a lot of reading, research, and even counseling. Before I had serious problems.
With no guilt, I wash my hands of my oldest. His brother and mother all said the same. When he gave in to drugs and refuses to seek treatment, then defrauded his grandfather with Alzheimer's, that was the final line for us all.
It is sad. For him. We can't be held responsible for their adult decisions, nor should "feel" responsible for their rock bottom.
Not even a thought for alcohol.
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