Class of March 2016 part 32
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,658
Kayak- doing the 12th (step), karma yoga, socialising, putting back, sharing- whatever. I think doing stuff like cleaning bogs is good as it shows commitment, motivation, progress and self respect.
Where I am I also do this. I hate cleaning toilets. I wish I had one just for me in the entire world. Also dishes, weeding, sweeping floors. I think your doing great.
Where I am I also do this. I hate cleaning toilets. I wish I had one just for me in the entire world. Also dishes, weeding, sweeping floors. I think your doing great.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Valley of the Sun, AZ
Posts: 3,458
Thanks for all the nice comments and positive thoughts. I am getting to that age where losing a friend at a young age is almost an inevitability. It doesn't really make it easier.
Trying keep busy these past few days, which isn't hard to do right now. But today I am just kind of laying low and taking it easy.
Enjoy the weekend everyone.
Trying keep busy these past few days, which isn't hard to do right now. But today I am just kind of laying low and taking it easy.
Enjoy the weekend everyone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: US
Posts: 16,898
Me again! Trying to get myself inspired to be creative, while wrestling with the fact that I've wasted so much time & energy by drinking and not knowing where to start. "Paralysis by analysis" I guess you would say. Maybe I should start by not beating myself up and being grateful to be here with all of you, and sober. Sorry, I feel like I keep repeating myself.
You guys are awesome!
You guys are awesome!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Valley of the Sun, AZ
Posts: 3,458
Thanks Dee. I know I should check in here. I kind of didn't want to. Just being honest.
Also, here's an interesting thing. I just went into to my profile to change my sobriety date to 9/20. I wasn't really tracking days this time, but my prior sobriety date was 8/19 - so almost exactly one month. This makes me curious about the body's reaction to not having alcohol. Most likely just a coincidence.
Nightfall here now. It's been a gorgeous day, but I do enjoy the the sounds of the woods that surround my house when it gets dark.
Also, here's an interesting thing. I just went into to my profile to change my sobriety date to 9/20. I wasn't really tracking days this time, but my prior sobriety date was 8/19 - so almost exactly one month. This makes me curious about the body's reaction to not having alcohol. Most likely just a coincidence.
Nightfall here now. It's been a gorgeous day, but I do enjoy the the sounds of the woods that surround my house when it gets dark.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 3,241
Closing out day 27. Tomorrow will be hard and annoying, hubby leaves for a trip.
I just bought Abby Wambach's new book Forward and will be interesting to read when and how drugs and alcohol came into her life. She is actually from the town I live in. I just missed her book signing last night. Boo.
I just bought Abby Wambach's new book Forward and will be interesting to read when and how drugs and alcohol came into her life. She is actually from the town I live in. I just missed her book signing last night. Boo.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Valley of the Sun, AZ
Posts: 3,458
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ 
There is a documentary on U-tube. 'Ch 5 My name is.....and I am an alcoholic'.
I found it to be worth a look. P.
I found it to be worth a look. P.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,683
Sure was, I actually started it a second time but haven't completed that.
I want to say so much and yet I'm not yet capable of it. Growth? Maybe. Though I've had depression, I've not been really down on myself for a long time. So long that I can't actually remember when it was (a year or so I'd guess). I still want to hate myself when I cave and drink but I don't. Does that mean I'm not there yet? I've asked the same question before but I still don't know and I can't wrap my puny mind around it.
Sobriety is my goal but it seems I'm lacking in the proper resolve. I feel foolish and stupid, but I'm not giving up.
I want to say so much and yet I'm not yet capable of it. Growth? Maybe. Though I've had depression, I've not been really down on myself for a long time. So long that I can't actually remember when it was (a year or so I'd guess). I still want to hate myself when I cave and drink but I don't. Does that mean I'm not there yet? I've asked the same question before but I still don't know and I can't wrap my puny mind around it.
Sobriety is my goal but it seems I'm lacking in the proper resolve. I feel foolish and stupid, but I'm not giving up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,658
MITA- the docu for me was powerful because of the stories the people in it shared. Alcohol is truly an equal opportunity employer. To become an alcoholic- the only requirement is the willingness to go to any lengths.....
I empathise about the passing away of your friend. When ever this happens to myself- mixed feelings occur. My paternal uncle called me a few weeks ago. He is 84 and the last of his immediate family left. My father (his bro) died last year (I was in a coma) alcohol related of course. My Uncle is not alcoholic. His older sister has just passed away aged 94. My Uncle is an Anglican priest- and included with his pastoral care were people in hospice care. He rang me to say he felt confused and alone. A good wife, family- a good priest- smart with lots of experience. Death is not really celebrated a great deal in Western society and it effects everybody differently. I hope you have good memories and feel at peace with the passing of your friend.
P47- I can so totally, you know, relate to paralysis by analysis. I think that I think too much. I get angry about getting angry and think why. Everything for me- especially at the moment to try and understand the absurdity of the last year- HAS to be explained. If I did not- I would surely go nuts. Seal's song- we never would survive- unless- we go a little crazy. Just let the creative forces flow would be my sage advice- do not think- do! You will get something out of the effort.
Appk- I think it is great how you have identified that you will be feeling a degree of stress because of something out of your control and have a strategy in place not only to cope with this time coming up- but in such a productive way- reading about addiction stuff. Kudos to you.
So many little lessons in dealing with the every day hum drum of 'normal' life posted here. For me it is grounding thankyou guys- because although safe and reasonably stable community wise- my life is far from being anything like normal given my neighbours. PJ.
I empathise about the passing away of your friend. When ever this happens to myself- mixed feelings occur. My paternal uncle called me a few weeks ago. He is 84 and the last of his immediate family left. My father (his bro) died last year (I was in a coma) alcohol related of course. My Uncle is not alcoholic. His older sister has just passed away aged 94. My Uncle is an Anglican priest- and included with his pastoral care were people in hospice care. He rang me to say he felt confused and alone. A good wife, family- a good priest- smart with lots of experience. Death is not really celebrated a great deal in Western society and it effects everybody differently. I hope you have good memories and feel at peace with the passing of your friend.
P47- I can so totally, you know, relate to paralysis by analysis. I think that I think too much. I get angry about getting angry and think why. Everything for me- especially at the moment to try and understand the absurdity of the last year- HAS to be explained. If I did not- I would surely go nuts. Seal's song- we never would survive- unless- we go a little crazy. Just let the creative forces flow would be my sage advice- do not think- do! You will get something out of the effort.
Appk- I think it is great how you have identified that you will be feeling a degree of stress because of something out of your control and have a strategy in place not only to cope with this time coming up- but in such a productive way- reading about addiction stuff. Kudos to you.
So many little lessons in dealing with the every day hum drum of 'normal' life posted here. For me it is grounding thankyou guys- because although safe and reasonably stable community wise- my life is far from being anything like normal given my neighbours. PJ.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,658
13th, the speed of postings here seems slow some days. Just read your last.
You say there is so much you want to say, but cannot. To me that is exactly what do are doing sharing here. The question of you recognising there could be growth may mean you know there is but do not feel comfortable in yourself in recognising your own achievements. I am an expert on this one. Recognition of depression is very important in recovery to ensure you give yourself a level playing field. Have you thought of talking to someone about it? I did, am on A-D's. Hate it but it levels stuff out for me. I recognised the need, saw my doc- did the tests- had bloods etc and said I think A-D's may be an option. So get support- do not try and wing it alone- 'cos that sucks. That you do not drink when feeling down is perceptive and positive.
Using words such as puny, foolish and stupid does not help yourself. Negative self image is only going to ****** any efforts you make to feel better in your life. Once again, have you thought of talking to someone? Likeminded people, like me, us at this virtual place are here for each other. However in your real time, by your words I think you know what would work best for you in seeking support. Hang in there. If anything- this site only requires a few minutes , 4 fingers to type and a few KJ's for me to offer support as we all do for each other. PJ.
You say there is so much you want to say, but cannot. To me that is exactly what do are doing sharing here. The question of you recognising there could be growth may mean you know there is but do not feel comfortable in yourself in recognising your own achievements. I am an expert on this one. Recognition of depression is very important in recovery to ensure you give yourself a level playing field. Have you thought of talking to someone about it? I did, am on A-D's. Hate it but it levels stuff out for me. I recognised the need, saw my doc- did the tests- had bloods etc and said I think A-D's may be an option. So get support- do not try and wing it alone- 'cos that sucks. That you do not drink when feeling down is perceptive and positive.
Using words such as puny, foolish and stupid does not help yourself. Negative self image is only going to ****** any efforts you make to feel better in your life. Once again, have you thought of talking to someone? Likeminded people, like me, us at this virtual place are here for each other. However in your real time, by your words I think you know what would work best for you in seeking support. Hang in there. If anything- this site only requires a few minutes , 4 fingers to type and a few KJ's for me to offer support as we all do for each other. PJ.
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
I drank for as long as I could Thirteenth.
That's the plain truth of it.
That didn't turn out so well, I lost a lot of people and things dear to me including, very nearly, my life.
I had a number of mini strokes that have stayed with me - I work around the effects but I'll never be the guy I was.
If there's anyway at all that you can take action now and get off the crazy train before it hits the end of the line, I say do it.
All the self examination in the world can never beat a simple reaching out and asking for help....and all the philosophising in the word will never be as effective as swift clear action.
make some changes
D
That's the plain truth of it.
That didn't turn out so well, I lost a lot of people and things dear to me including, very nearly, my life.
I had a number of mini strokes that have stayed with me - I work around the effects but I'll never be the guy I was.
If there's anyway at all that you can take action now and get off the crazy train before it hits the end of the line, I say do it.
All the self examination in the world can never beat a simple reaching out and asking for help....and all the philosophising in the word will never be as effective as swift clear action.
make some changes
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,658
S- I agree entirely with D74. I think a hole in the ground. Very good at that. The doing, sometimes for me is the scary part. Putting myself out of my self defined comfort zones. Thinking outside the square. Action speaks louder. As my gran (miss her, cool old lady) used to tell me ' the road to hell is paved with good intentions.' That strikes true for me every day and often repeat her wise (but under protest agree) words. PJ.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 397
I do hate myself, when I drink. And I have been drinking. I cannot seem to get off this crazy train. I do great for a month or two and then fail. Why? Because I get a case of the f*** its. I have a hard week of work. I'm a single mom and I finally get a break (aka a sitter for the night). I'm not making excuses; I'm just stating that this is what happens.
I am so disappointed in myself. My brother got married today. It was a beautiful wedding. The reception got a bit sloppy for a lot of people, including myself. My toddler son came charging at me unexpectedly and I fell off my chair at the reception
luckily it was a minor scene but I am obsessing over it. Even though he is quite a brute and could very well knock me off my chair sober, I knew I had had too much.
I am so disappointed in myself. My brother got married today. It was a beautiful wedding. The reception got a bit sloppy for a lot of people, including myself. My toddler son came charging at me unexpectedly and I fell off my chair at the reception
luckily it was a minor scene but I am obsessing over it. Even though he is quite a brute and could very well knock me off my chair sober, I knew I had had too much.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,658
J44-you sound as if you are feeling very vulnerable. Stay safe- HALTS. Get someone to stay with you, keep sharing here- talk to a person in AA (?sponsor).
Stay safe and don't pick up a drink. We are here to help each other. PJ.
Stay safe and don't pick up a drink. We are here to help each other. PJ.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 397
I'm typing on my phone and I wasn't done. Things got worse. I don't feel comfortable describing the details but I'm home safe, my son is safe as well. I had a sitter lined up and she was here, but I never did go back to the wedding reception, and I feel pretty bad about that but hopefully the rest of them were too messed up to notice or care. Ooooh do I hate addiction. Why me? Why us? I don't want this anymore. I don't want the struggle. I'm so tired of fighting it.
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
I'm sorry you're feeling down on yourself Jemma but...it's never too late to start on a chapter two
I had many embarrassments over the years, but nowadays noone else remembers them anymore.
D
I had many embarrassments over the years, but nowadays noone else remembers them anymore.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,658
J44 -being overwhelmed and being tired of stuff is a dangerous place to be. You and yours are safe by the sounds. Do not escalate- stay safe, do not drink. Talk, share, post. Try not to be alone with your own thoughts. This is the hard time for you- do not make stuff worse. Stay safe, HALT, do not drink- get support. PJ
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Valley of the Sun, AZ
Posts: 3,458
Jemma, it sounds like you did the right thing by leaving. That's excellent.
Thirteenth, I don't know that you need to feel like you hate yourself. Maybe you just need to want something better for yourself?
Happy Sunday morning everyone
Thirteenth, I don't know that you need to feel like you hate yourself. Maybe you just need to want something better for yourself?
Happy Sunday morning everyone
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