And another (Edit: ugh, sideways...)

http://i67.tinypic.com/nxurux.jpg

OMG, CH she is beautiful! What a sweetheart!

And Lucy's saying, what do you want from me? hehe

I miss having pets.

In my best Crow voice: Kitty!

It was so hard to get those shots. She's quick and doesn't stop moving. She really is a sweetheart!!

Pets are pretty amazing :)

Okay so day one is once again in the books.....although today didn't feel like a day one....it just felt like a continuation of the journey after a slight detour....progress maybe??

I am drinking a peppermint tea, snuggled with Charlie while DH plays some new video game he was super excited about....lol.... Note to self - this is what evenings are supposed to look like - calm, happy and sober :)

Thank you to each and every one of you for being here and for your unwavering love, support and encouragement. I am so proud to be a member of the family. Love you all!!

Thanks for being here too, Sam!

You've all helped me in ways hard to express. So thank you for being here Sam and CH and PR and AK and bbg and Fabela and Dee and Bobbie and Kiki and Casey and immri and Keets and Jemma and anyone I've missed.

And MITA and Missy and Mish and Kayak and fred and...

The hell with this, I'm cheating and using the list, my memory is leaving people out:

Thank you to
*1Stepup:
*AppleKat
*Beerbgone (BBG)
*Bobbie
*Casey
*Clearlyheaded
*Fred
*immri
*Icarus2
*Jemma
*Kayak63
*Keets
*Kiki
*Ladybug2
*LillianGish
*LostLilly
*ManInTheArena (MITA)
*Mish
*Missy7
*PeacefulRain
*Pelagic263
*Purplrks
*Sam
*Spacegoat

For me drinking was a control mechanism - however odd that might sound. I used drinking to stop feeling and to escape.

For much of my drinking life, I knew the parameters of my drinking and was ok with the consequences.

It was only towards the end that those parameters shifted and my perceived 'control' became so obviously out of control that even I couldn't rationalise it anymore.

I didn't want change, but I didn't want to die either.

Fortunately all you guys still struggling can jump off the crazy train before you get to that point.

I didn't need understanding, I just needed faith that action would save me.

I was well rewarded :)

D

Thirteenth - Did you ever watch the show Romper Room - when they would look through the magic mirror and call kids names out....and you hoped and hoped they would call your name...lol....that's what your post reminded me of :)

I had to do that too Thirteenth haha!

(Thanks Kiki!)

Dee - sobriety is definitely a reward...the question I ask myself is why do I choose punishment instead?

Well I am off to bed - night all!! Love you!!

I hated Romper Room (I don't remember the name call thing). Why? I was a bad kid, a bad seed. Yet I did like Mr. Rogers.

Kiki where are you? HOW are you?

:)

I chose punishment because it was familiar and comfortable...it fitted in with my low self esteem and self hatred and because, basically, I could.

^ There's a year of counselling right there.

But I got better - I learned who sober me was, found out I actually liked the guy and gradually the idea of beating myself up became more and more absurd...

D

I have to go point by point here.

That sounds all too familiar. Who wants to feel when we can run away?

Yup, what's the big deal with unpleasant physical aspects? Or lost connections with friends and family. Who cares that it's not normal to drink rather than eat?

I think I'm getting there but driving myself crazy by not getting there, if that makes sense. I can rationalize almost anything, but drinking is not one of them. Instead I just say screw it. I don't care. A form of rationalization I'm sure, but there's no real thought there.

OK, not point by point exactly, but I got a lot out of this post. Putting it into full action is the next step.

Sleep well Sam.