Class of March 2016 part 30
Velveteen Rabbit
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: San Diego, Cali
Posts: 2,661
Originally Posted by KiKi0615 
Hi Sam, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. My doctor told me I'm not an alcoholic either last January and I listened to him! What did I do??? I started drinking MORE because he basically gave me "permission".
What I decided about "myself" is that I don't like to label myself an "alcoholic". I hate labels! Especially THAT label! For me, calling myself an alcoholic causes A LOT of shame.
But here's the thing....I don't have to EVER call myself an alcoholic....EVER. Not even in AA. The only requirement for membership to AA is a desire to quit drinking. I have a friend in AA that says " Hi, my name is Kim and I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous."
Anyway....AA or no AA, I decided for ME that I HATE the way alcohol affected me and my life! Did I have a problem? Hell yes!!! Am I an "alcoholic"??? Who knows!!! I mean, I never drank every day, never in the morning, I could go days or weeks without drinking.,,,,AND the doctor said I WASN'T, right?!?
BUT.......I know in MY heart that alcohol caused ALL the problems in my life! ALL of them!!! I wanted to stop drinking permanently and I couldn't! WHEN I drank, I didn't care about anyone or anything else and once I started drinking I didn't stop until I was extremely buzzed or drunk.
It's not how "often" we drink, it's "what happens to us" when we drink. I was miserable! It caused so much anxiety & depression. I hated the way my life was!
Was a born an alcoholic? I don't think so. Like you....I suffered an extreme amount of trauma. I believe that I have used alcohol to numb all the pain and memories. And you know what? It worked for a long time.....until it didn't!
I believe I drank myself into being addicted to alcohol. I have used my trauma as justification for my drinking for years! "If you went through what I went through, you'd drink too...blah blah blah". And you know what? What I went through SUCKED and it's NOT FAIR! But what can I do about it? I can't change the past. It hurts, it really does and I'm sorry for ANYONE who has gone through trauma. :-(
One day I realized that by continuing to drink I was just letting my abusers continue to abuse me! But NOW I was actually giving my abusers the power to KILL me! Why was I letting those b@stards win???
The drinking became more painful than the trauma! Even if I don't think I'm the "textbook" definition of an alcoholic right now, if I continue to drink it will progress and I WILL become a daily drinker and eventually die a slow, painful death.
I've watched this happen to so many people! It's so sad. They let alcohol kill them. They too started drinking to numb their trauma. It was so sad to sit at their funerals and see them in their caskets and know that their abusers WON! They had a hand in their deaths! :-(
Take your power back Sam! It's so hard but you are strong!!! Don't let those b@stards win!!! If you keep drinking to mask the pain of your trauma you are letting them continue to abuse you.
FIGHT SAM!!! Don't give up! You CAN overcome this! So can I!!! Many people before us have done it. If THEY can do it....WE can do it!
I love you friend and I prayed for you today!
What I decided about "myself" is that I don't like to label myself an "alcoholic". I hate labels! Especially THAT label! For me, calling myself an alcoholic causes A LOT of shame.
But here's the thing....I don't have to EVER call myself an alcoholic....EVER. Not even in AA. The only requirement for membership to AA is a desire to quit drinking. I have a friend in AA that says " Hi, my name is Kim and I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous."
Anyway....AA or no AA, I decided for ME that I HATE the way alcohol affected me and my life! Did I have a problem? Hell yes!!! Am I an "alcoholic"??? Who knows!!! I mean, I never drank every day, never in the morning, I could go days or weeks without drinking.,,,,AND the doctor said I WASN'T, right?!?
BUT.......I know in MY heart that alcohol caused ALL the problems in my life! ALL of them!!! I wanted to stop drinking permanently and I couldn't! WHEN I drank, I didn't care about anyone or anything else and once I started drinking I didn't stop until I was extremely buzzed or drunk.
It's not how "often" we drink, it's "what happens to us" when we drink. I was miserable! It caused so much anxiety & depression. I hated the way my life was!
Was a born an alcoholic? I don't think so. Like you....I suffered an extreme amount of trauma. I believe that I have used alcohol to numb all the pain and memories. And you know what? It worked for a long time.....until it didn't!
I believe I drank myself into being addicted to alcohol. I have used my trauma as justification for my drinking for years! "If you went through what I went through, you'd drink too...blah blah blah". And you know what? What I went through SUCKED and it's NOT FAIR! But what can I do about it? I can't change the past. It hurts, it really does and I'm sorry for ANYONE who has gone through trauma. :-(
One day I realized that by continuing to drink I was just letting my abusers continue to abuse me! But NOW I was actually giving my abusers the power to KILL me! Why was I letting those b@stards win???
The drinking became more painful than the trauma! Even if I don't think I'm the "textbook" definition of an alcoholic right now, if I continue to drink it will progress and I WILL become a daily drinker and eventually die a slow, painful death.
I've watched this happen to so many people! It's so sad. They let alcohol kill them. They too started drinking to numb their trauma. It was so sad to sit at their funerals and see them in their caskets and know that their abusers WON! They had a hand in their deaths! :-(
Take your power back Sam! It's so hard but you are strong!!! Don't let those b@stards win!!! If you keep drinking to mask the pain of your trauma you are letting them continue to abuse you.
FIGHT SAM!!! Don't give up! You CAN overcome this! So can I!!! Many people before us have done it. If THEY can do it....WE can do it!
I love you friend and I prayed for you today!
^^^^^ This was an amazing post. I related to it in so many ways. Thank you. For years I've questioned whether I am an alcoholic and that just delayed action on my part. Not a coincidence! I probably am not but I do have a drinking problem that was growing, like all do.
She's so right Sam. Keep fighting!
At some point, I realized that the only person who was abusing me at this point.....was me. For me, fighting meant letting go of the tug of war rope to accept that the person on the other side was still only me. I'm still a work in progress, obviously.....but alcohol wasn't dulling the pain any more. It was keeping it alive unfortunately.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,685
I almost feel like I'm journaling here. That's something I should get back to as it's been a long time. Regardless, I thought about a previous comment I made about getting to meetings and my schedule.
Later I wrote this (to myself): It doesn’t fit my schedule of drinking. If I'm drinking I can't go to a meeting; not because I won't be accepted or because I can't find some other mode of transportation, but because I've given myself an excuse. It's basically the same as not asking for help. My personal character flaw. With the help of you wonderful people I'm starting to notice things. No matter how small. Things that have stood in my way. They are not a panacea, but it's a start.
There may be (I'm still not sure the schedule is updated) three AA meetings tomorrow. I may be at all three but I may be at none. Baby steps. Thank you for your patience.
Later I wrote this (to myself): It doesn’t fit my schedule of drinking. If I'm drinking I can't go to a meeting; not because I won't be accepted or because I can't find some other mode of transportation, but because I've given myself an excuse. It's basically the same as not asking for help. My personal character flaw. With the help of you wonderful people I'm starting to notice things. No matter how small. Things that have stood in my way. They are not a panacea, but it's a start.
There may be (I'm still not sure the schedule is updated) three AA meetings tomorrow. I may be at all three but I may be at none. Baby steps. Thank you for your patience.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,685
And I saw this on the 24 hour thread of which I am still not a part. It very much applies to me.
"If you're reading these words, perhaps it's because something has kicked open the door for you, and you're ready to embrace change. It isn't enough to appreciate change from afar, or only in the abstract, or as something that can happen to other people but not to you. We need to create change for ourselves, in a workable way, as part of our everyday lives." -- Sharon Salzberg
"If you're reading these words, perhaps it's because something has kicked open the door for you, and you're ready to embrace change. It isn't enough to appreciate change from afar, or only in the abstract, or as something that can happen to other people but not to you. We need to create change for ourselves, in a workable way, as part of our everyday lives." -- Sharon Salzberg
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Originally Posted by LillianGish
^^^^^ This was an amazing post. I related to it in so many ways. Thank you. For years I've questioned whether I am an alcoholic and that just delayed action on my part. Not a coincidence! I probably am not but I do have a drinking problem that was growing, like all do.
She's so right Sam. Keep fighting!
At some point, I realized that the only person who was abusing me at this point.....was me. For me, fighting meant letting go of the tug of war rope to accept that the person on the other side was still only me. I'm still a work in progress, obviously.....but alcohol wasn't dulling the pain any more. It was keeping it alive unfortunately.
She's so right Sam. Keep fighting!
At some point, I realized that the only person who was abusing me at this point.....was me. For me, fighting meant letting go of the tug of war rope to accept that the person on the other side was still only me. I'm still a work in progress, obviously.....but alcohol wasn't dulling the pain any more. It was keeping it alive unfortunately.
Thank you for that!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 5,250
Originally Posted by Applekat
Lots of great posting today!!
I'm looking forward to closing out day 6 in a few hours.
I'm looking forward to closing out day 6 in a few hours.
Originally Posted by Thirteenth
I almost feel like I'm journaling here. That's something I should get back to as it's been a long time. Regardless, I thought about a previous comment I made about getting to meetings and my schedule.
Later I wrote this (to myself): It doesn’t fit my schedule of drinking. If I'm drinking I can't go to a meeting; not because I won't be accepted or because I can't find some other mode of transportation, but because I've given myself an excuse. It's basically the same as not asking for help. My personal character flaw. With the help of you wonderful people I'm starting to notice things. No matter how small. Things that have stood in my way. They are not a panacea, but it's a start.
There may be (I'm still not sure the schedule is updated) three AA meetings tomorrow. I may be at all three but I may be at none. Baby steps. Thank you for your patience.
Later I wrote this (to myself): It doesn’t fit my schedule of drinking. If I'm drinking I can't go to a meeting; not because I won't be accepted or because I can't find some other mode of transportation, but because I've given myself an excuse. It's basically the same as not asking for help. My personal character flaw. With the help of you wonderful people I'm starting to notice things. No matter how small. Things that have stood in my way. They are not a panacea, but it's a start.
There may be (I'm still not sure the schedule is updated) three AA meetings tomorrow. I may be at all three but I may be at none. Baby steps. Thank you for your patience.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,685
Originally Posted by LillianGish
For me, fighting meant letting go of the tug of war rope to accept that the person on the other side was still only me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,685
Originally Posted by KiKi0615
As they say in AA, "Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly". I see A LOT of growth in you since you first started posting here Thirteenth! 
Seriously though (she is much more advanced in sobriety), thank you. I'm not giving up and learning a bit at a time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: US
Posts: 16,904
Originally Posted by Caramel
Some very, very powerful posts in the last few hours:
KiKi0615 at post #58
LillianGish at post #75.
Thank you both.
KiKi0615 at post #58
LillianGish at post #75.
Thank you both.
(Thirteenth, have I already mentioned that I love your avatar?!?!)
Today was crazy busy at work.....something I would not have been able to accomplish with a hangover. And I get to stay sober here w/ you guys so I can get some sleep tonight & do it again tomorrow!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,685
So the first AA meeting I went to was in support of my brother. I didn't have a problem back then. Maybe it was growing, but I was OK. My brother's problem was a problem. I remember my father requesting I attend as I suspect he saw himself in me. I replied that it was Sunday and I'd be watching football and have a few beers. He requested that I abstain. I did and thought nothing of it. When I later recounted this to my brother he was amazed. Amazed that I simply said OK, none today. I didn't understand the surprise back then, I do now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,685
Originally Posted by Purplrks3647
(Thirteenth, have I already mentioned that I love your avatar?!?!)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 3,241
I know there's been posts recently about times when we have just decided to drink and then don't post on SR or tell on ourself or do much of anything about the feelings as if the decision has already been made. I've done that before, too. Guilty! I've been thinking a lot about those moments...
This time around I'm trying to remember something Dee said - along the lines of - we owe it to our sober self to give that side a chance for sobriety. The intelligent side of each of us knows how better we feel when sober, physically, hopefully mentally most days.....when the AV sneaks in and tries to take over....we owe it to our sober-loving self to hit pause and open our tool box. Post, text someone, check HALT, call a sponsor.....just use a tool, or ten tools!
I'm trying this time to be sure to give that side of me a chance to overcome the craving or trigger. I deserve that. We all deserve that!
Love you all! Sleep well!
This time around I'm trying to remember something Dee said - along the lines of - we owe it to our sober self to give that side a chance for sobriety. The intelligent side of each of us knows how better we feel when sober, physically, hopefully mentally most days.....when the AV sneaks in and tries to take over....we owe it to our sober-loving self to hit pause and open our tool box. Post, text someone, check HALT, call a sponsor.....just use a tool, or ten tools!
I'm trying this time to be sure to give that side of me a chance to overcome the craving or trigger. I deserve that. We all deserve that!
Love you all! Sleep well!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 397
Lots of great posts today. Wow. You are all so wonderful.
Lillian, I understand why are you are shaken up. And I understand your guilt. I too have driven drunk, way too many times. I am glad that those days are behind us and that nothing like that happened to us, because it very well could have, and still could, if we choose to pick up again.
I am thankful for this group and for SR.
Hugs
Lillian, I understand why are you are shaken up. And I understand your guilt. I too have driven drunk, way too many times. I am glad that those days are behind us and that nothing like that happened to us, because it very well could have, and still could, if we choose to pick up again.
I am thankful for this group and for SR.
Hugs
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
