Class of March 2016 part 29
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3,197
We are survivors!! Thanks Thirteenth! This is the first time that I have been able to be truly open with people about the abuse - it's very sad that so many of us understand the pain but also very freeing to share. I am not giving up on AA forever - that would be like admitting defeat...and I am no where near ready to do that!
And I use the term "lead balloon" with my therapist - the idea being that one day I will be able to work through the heaviness and release it.
And I use the term "lead balloon" with my therapist - the idea being that one day I will be able to work through the heaviness and release it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,679
I hope that day is today. 
Until this group I never knew anyone who’d suffered similar trauma aside from my brother. That I was aware of anyway. It’s been 12 years and many months since he died. I’ve spoken little about it and done limited counseling. Preferring to suffer in silence and brood and drink to escape it (this applies to both the abuse and the suicide). You have all helped me to get a little bit of it out and start to move forward. This is kind of my own exposure therapy, being honest about those feelings. I haven’t shared the depths, except for with one individual. She is a rock for me and shared her own awful trauma while moving through it. Learning I wasn’t alone, that I was a survivor made a huge difference. Prior to that I was lost and running. I’m still running to an extent, still lost, but I can stop sometimes and face it knowing it’s not just me against it all.
Until this group I never knew anyone who’d suffered similar trauma aside from my brother. That I was aware of anyway. It’s been 12 years and many months since he died. I’ve spoken little about it and done limited counseling. Preferring to suffer in silence and brood and drink to escape it (this applies to both the abuse and the suicide). You have all helped me to get a little bit of it out and start to move forward. This is kind of my own exposure therapy, being honest about those feelings. I haven’t shared the depths, except for with one individual. She is a rock for me and shared her own awful trauma while moving through it. Learning I wasn’t alone, that I was a survivor made a huge difference. Prior to that I was lost and running. I’m still running to an extent, still lost, but I can stop sometimes and face it knowing it’s not just me against it all.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3,197
I think I will always be running as well Thirteenth....but maybe it will be a slow jog one day. I am getting to the point where I am accepting some of the new normals in my life and that includes some of the limitations. I spent so long being angry at my abuser (and I still am) that I really stood in my own way. No, I didn't ask for this to happen to me but it did and now what am I going to do with it?? I don't know the answer to that question yet but just being able to ask it is progress for me.
The lunchtime meeting doesn't work with my schedule. When I am ready to try again though I will take the day off and try that one.
The lunchtime meeting doesn't work with my schedule. When I am ready to try again though I will take the day off and try that one.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,679
Originally Posted by samantha14 
I spent so long being angry at my abuser (and I still am) that I really stood in my own way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 3,197
All this talk of progress and recovery makes me realize that I have fallen back into the old habit of not prioritizing myself. This is a picture of me almost two weeks ago - the date of my last run....I am hoping its motivation for me to get back on track tomorrow. Tomorrow is Monday Bobbie!!
http://a67.tinypic.com/21mdqbl.jpg
http://a67.tinypic.com/21mdqbl.jpg
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,679
It's not selfish to be selfish when you're taking care of yourself. You can't care for others if you don't care for yourself. I'm working on that very thing over and over and over again. Someday I'll learn.
It's the least I can do. And really, I haven't done anything. You did it for yourself. You've helped me without even knowing it. Everyone here has.
It's the least I can do. And really, I haven't done anything. You did it for yourself. You've helped me without even knowing it. Everyone here has.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 1,219
Sam - sorry you had an anxiety attack. I know exactly what you are talking about. I used to have them all the time, but they have subsided somewhat. I hate them and always feel super embarrassed especially when they happen in public, which is the usual. It is a fight or flight thing and the more I try to quash it, the more amped the feeling and I usually burst into tears and can't calm down for a long, long time. (((Hugs))). So proud of you for going to the meeting! And glad that you were able to calm yourself.
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