Angie247

Thank you, Dee. It just gets frustrating but I know she cares. She's now telling me that she isn't going because she's mad at the office in her apartment complex. Now, she doesn't feel like going.

I forgot that I had started a movie with Robert Downey Jr last night so I finished that and it was really good.

I have a new journal that I fill in lists about happiness and every week has a different theme. It's pretty neat and I'm looking forward to start writing in it. My thoughts have been pretty negative lately about myself so I'm hoping that this will help.

venuscat

Hello Angie love ~ sorry to have been away with the fairies for the past week: it is a bit of a challenging time for me.

Also glad to know you are OK. ♥

Angie247

Thank you so much venuscat. I know you have so much going on and I appreciate your support always.

I'm having a moment where I want a drink. HALT is what I've read on here are the warning signs. Definitely not hungry, angry a bit, lonely a whole lot and yes, a bit tired. I'm grateful for a job but I don't want to go tomorrow. I have enough sick leave but I'm not calling off and drinking. I'm not giving up these 4 months and starting over because I don't know when I'd start the process of recovering again. It took a year and a really horrible year at that before I added up these 4 months. Had a phone call from the ex and he always puts me in a bad mood. I ended up crying over it and the bad mood hasn't left. It would just be an excuse to drink and he's not worth it. Nothing is. I just wish that I were better at so much and I know that's the low self esteem talking. I should be more appreciative but all I can think of is the sadness today and what a loser I am.

venuscat

I'm PMing my number love....please call me anytime you like.
We need as many sober buddies as we can get, and you know I care about you a great deal.

I'm so very sorry that your ex has caused you pain again....it's so hard when these feelings are stirred up.

I know you will stay strong....but really, here for you sweetheart.

Get some sleep if you can. Know you are loved. ♥

Soberandhealthy

You are not a loser. Whatch out for the way you talk to your self. You d serve love and to be kind to your self. Congratulations on four months. Be strong and don't relapse. All the best!

gleefan

I hope you're feeling better today.

As dull as it may sound to get up and go to work on a Monday morning, doing the right thing will leave you feeling better than taking a sick day to drink.

It sounds like a challenging weekend. You got ditched, another friend invited you to a place and misunderstood you and you talked to your abusive ex.

Take good care of yourself today. You deserve it!

Angie247

Thank you all so very much. I'm doing much better. I'll be 20 week sober on Monday and that is pretty neat. When I think that I should be happy about that then my mind goes that I'm still a loser and I go down the list of all the reasons why. However, I haven't been thinking about that as much in the last few days. It's always nice when the negative voice isn't as loud. The issue that I was having with getting into shows or books has also gone away. I can focus on what I'm reading or watching more easily now. Things are looking up and I'm grateful.

gleefan

Nice to hear.

I read this quote from Joel Osteen last night on Facebook: "You may have some things you don't like about yourself, we all do, but there's a lot right with you. Quit focusing on what you don't like and start focusing on what God says about you. God says you are a masterpiece. He says you are fearfully and wonderfully made—one of a kind!"

I saved it to refer back to for myself. When you're feeling good is a great time to write the list of why you're awesome. It may help to refer to it next time you're feeling down. I'll do the same!

Angie247

That is an awesome quote, glee! Thank you!

My mood has lifted considerably. Alex and I are planning on going to visit home in July and we will be there for mama's birthday! Words cannot express how happy this makes me! I got upset last year because she didn't have a birthday cake. My brothers nor their wives bothered to even buy her one so I will be making her whatever cake she wants and her favorite meal for her birthday supper. I love my brothers and I know they love mama very much and it wasn't intentional to be hurtful because they did buy her gifts. It was just an oversight. She was very excited to know we're coming to see them. She told me that she will decide what she wants for her supper but she definitely wants the bacon wrapped green beans that I made last time. I'm so excited to know we will be visiting home!! :-D Happy to be sober too and will continue to do the work so I can try to stay that way, one day at a time!

Angie247

Depressed tonight. I won't be able to go to therapist until mid next month. It's gotten too expensive to go every week but I'll go as often as I'm able. I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and told myself that I was garbage and didn't deserve anything good in my life. I didn't work on making the day much better, went to work and wallowed in my own misery for some time. The only good thing was that I concentrated harder on my work because I got tired of the self loathing after a while. I told myself that the accounts should be worked on by someone better than me, but I was there and I needed to concentrate on my work. Thoughts of drinking came up. I thought of buying a couple tall cans, opening them up when I got home and it did nothing for me except it made me irrigated with myself more. Thoughts of drinking now just depress me further and I'm not going to do it. Just want to give myself a break. Getting it now has helped a bit. I'll be okay.

Soberandhealthy

Hang in there Angie, be strong because drinking won't make anything better. Best of luck!

venuscat

But your mirror was just so wrong Angie love ~ you are wonderful. ♥

Angie247

Thank you both so much. I'm doing much better. I wrote down all the things that I didn't like and below them things that I could do to work on them. I'm going to start walking more, getting up 15 minutes early, and I've also written down a housecleaning schedule for myself. Things that I can work on and these things will make me feel better. However, I had to underline three times "YOU'RE HUMAN, GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK SOMETIMES." Always a work in progress and as long as I'm continuing that then I think I'll feel better. It's just when the self loathing starts and I do nothing but let it fester is when I have days of depression. Hopeful that this plan will help.

Thirteenth

Dear Angie,

You and I haven't interacted. If Suze (with whom I've also not interacted aside from one post months ago) says you're wonderful, you are. I tend to stick to my class in terms of posting but I do read a lot of posts and have followed your thread. I've also followed her threads. I think I'm on solid ground here to say she's right and you're wonderful. Keep up the good work you've been doing.

Dee74

Angie has my seal of approval too
Good to see you out and about 13th

D

venuscat

Love and hello Thirteenth.

So glad you're feeling better Angie love....lots of work to do on myself here as well. Not very happy with me right now either....and yes, it's about exercise and generally looking after myself better. We will both feel better with better self care, most definitely. So much love. ♥

Angie247

Thank you all!! Welcome Thirteenth!! Thank you so much for the kind words!

Having a pretty good day, went out and got lunch and I was thinking of some of the experiences I had after drinking. I can remember going to get clothes out of the dryer and walking back with the clothes basket while my whole body was shaking from withdrawals. I don't want to think too much about that today because I could get sad about that period in my life. It is important to remember but I don't want to get obsessive with it. I'm having an okay day and not wanting to ruin it. Have to be very careful though because I won't have my son at all this weekend, his dad has family over. When I don't have my son is the real danger period but I honestly don't feel any cravings for alcohol today. I feel better about myself when productive, so I've been cleaning a bit and I'm planning for a walk in a little while. Have to stay on this path, will hit 5 months next week. It's still early but I'm proud of getting this far. Thank you to all of you because I wouldn't have made it without your support and kindness.

gleefan

I think you're finding that fine line between moving forward but not closing the door on your past. Learn from your mistakes.

Busy here because I am in the process of moving. I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you!

Angie247

I know you're very busy, gleefan. Thank you so much for thinking of me and posting.

So yesterday was a good day but also I noticed serious brain fog. My memory is not that great lately and I've been reading up on things to do to help it. I'll definitely check in with the doctor if it continues but it is annoying. Makes me even more determined to stay on this path so that it can continue to hopefully get better. I did a lot of drinking in 2016 and the years before, and it's still early so my body will take time to heal. If I go back to drinking, it will only cause more damage in all aspects of my life.

I got up, showered and I'm thinking about lunch. I'm not obsessing about it being Sunday, and how much longer I can continue to drink so I could be "okay" at work tomorrow. Was never okay and usually drank past my time to quit. It was so tiring, depressing and what a waste of a day. The self loathing was on high on Sundays. Glad to not have that to worry about anymore and I don't have to have a day like that ever again. The major reason is my son, I don't want him to grow up with an active alcoholic as a mom. That sweet boy is my world, and I have to stay on this path for him, myself and the people who care about me.

My dad's health is much better, and I don't want my parents wondering if I'm drinking and them going through that incredible stress. They don't need that. My dad is still getting his strength back and he can focus on his recovery without me adding to worry by my bad choices. I would not talk to them for days and would sound all depressed when talking to them. It affected them greatly and I hate that. My mom told me how happy she and daddy were that I'm back to my old self.

I know it's one day at a time but I'm excited about hitting 5 months this coming week. Never thought I would get 5 months again. So grateful.

gleefan

Nice job making your way to 5 months. I love your determination to stay sober!