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Aiko's Thread (was 'Am Falling Again') Part 2 Part one is here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-again-21.html Keep up the good work Aiko :) :c011: D |
A fresh start will be good. |
Team Aiko! |
Hi, Aiko- :hug: |
Originally Posted by Dee74
(Post 5957267)
Part one is here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-again-21.html Keep up the good work Aiko :) :c011: D Bill. |
Aiko- I keep up with your thread. I hope you are doing well today. Keep up the good work. :) |
I do not know if it is a good thing I am over 500 txt and am still head less.... Today again my boss after me trying to put me down, setting traps... Trying to demoralize me... And he is frustrated he has not found anybody yet!!! and in the meantime he is trying to do my life HELL! At the end I am going to have to get sick leave... I am not coping at all!!! The interview yesterday did not reach the standard!!! No body is ever going to reach the standard of a Psychopath!!!! At 4:30 I got the doc on the door awaiting so I do not do de-tours... We had another fight in the car... he really try to empty the car... but I swear I could work in an airport... I find!!!! He was smiling thinking you are not going to find a thing... He left me 5 min in the car and I found from other fights in the car 2 LZ and 15mg barbys... And I said give me my dose come on................10mg barby... So he started saying so you found nothing today heyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! Imagine his face when he realized I had more on my.... seriously we can not have fights everyday... going to the centre!!! We really hurt each other sometimes... I scratched him a little bit today and bit him a little bit... but swear not as hard as I can... He does not want to hurt me but is just pathetic my behaviour!!!! But he won at the end.... I took only my dose :( When I calm down we always have a laugh!!! He is finding ways on internet how to hold me down, and I am looking on internet how to open locks with clips..... He said I want to stop but I do not realize yet! I just can not see it my head is a mess... He is not giving up... But I get mad after so many hours without anything and under pressure... I go bonkers!!! I take one tranquillizer about 10:00 at night so by 5:00 the following day I am aggressive.................... we agreed today he is not going to lower it yet as I really can not cope with all going on!!! As usual my family does not know... But today I do 1 month in the centre... and I feel fortunate I found someone that can control me!!! Priceless!!! Night Night, Aiko |
Just to say............................... I left my job!!!! Went to ER yesterday I could not cope with the bullying! I got a doctors Sick Leave... 29 days to begin with! The boss probably died when he realized I was turning up %%%%%%%%%% He got what he deserved, he should not have pussed and pussed... So now eat it!!! And they have to pay me even if I am not working. I asked them to find someone--- please .... make me redundant... But left me no choice, I was sicker by day! And they can not make me un-employed now is illegal, sooner or later or they have to make an deal to make me redundant or I find a Job!!! Is the first time I am not working non-stop!!!!!!!! somehow have to rest and do not relapse!!!! Regarding Addcitions............ I am a month now and have so so low I do not feel a thing :( the rest is been fights... Today I emptied my meds card in the doctors so I can not get anything. And I promised I would not get anything and give the card back!!! But just could not resist it.... I stopped in a quemist and I was able to get one box out with the card cancelled!!!!!!!!!!! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<Go crazy I do not know why I do what I do????????? do it??? do not??? Do it???........................... The doc check that the chip card is emptied and well done!!!!!!!!!! God and I was going mad in my head................ But later on I confessed... He was whatttttttttttttttttttt How??????? I have to rest, The head how long to get normal??????????????????? Ever will be normal??? Night Night!!! |
YAY AIKO! Free at last. I really want you to be happy and healthy. |
Aiko, I am so glad that you are finished with that job and that you will get some sick-leave compensation. I am glad that you confessed to your doctor that you obtained a box of pills; did you turn them over to him? Sending love and support to my dear friend. |
Hi Aiko: Congratulations on the job decision. No point making your recovery more difficult and less likely by stressing out on that job. As you know I had a similar experience years ago. If i had not quit I'd be dead. Would have died more than fifty years ago. You wrote about your managing to get an extra box of pills,"I stopped in a quemist and I was able to get one box out with the card cancelled!!!!!!!!!!! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<Go crazy I do not know why I do what I do????????? do it??? do not??? Do it???..........................." Do you think that it was your AV which was making you do that? Glad you confessed to your doc. Hope that means that you're working on getting your AV back in its cage and keeping it there. Good luck. All the best. P.S. Be careful when you bite your doctor. You've got enough to deal with without getting dental problems! Bill |
Aiko: Do you think it would help now to seek the companionship of other persons in recovery, persons who don't drink or take drugs. That certainly was the thing that helped me. Trying to go "mano a mano" with a doctor or counselor went on for thirty years and I kept having relapses. If you have qualms about AA or NA then could your doctor recommend some kind of group therapy. It's hard to climb a mountain with only one person on the other end of the rope, particularly if there is some hostility going on. This is just a suggestion. The choice is always yours. Good luck. Bill. |
Dear Bill, I have tried NA and I respect others, but was not for me!!! I have no Hostility with my doc... On the contrary the puts up when I go crazy. I do not go near my older friends, I spoke on the phone the other day and told them am detoxing and the first thing I get stop with pills and start with MARIHUANA is healthier.........................againnnnnnnnnnnn nn....... DONīT YOU NEVER EVER SAY THAT TO ME AGAIN!!!!!! So I am going back to painting and sport, and slowly am forced to cut down :( I had another crazy time this morning... Is I go sometimes up the walls.................... and the poor man had to cope with my aggressiveness again!!! The problem now I am going to have too much spare time!!!!!!!! That is like Home Alone!!! So we are going to see how to keep me ocupied, even if he has to drag me to clinics he goes... or even jail, I can sit on the coffee shop having a good time with strange people... At 5:00 he brings my night dose and is Saturday. He does not trust me with the two doses together... He started knowing me... And tomorrow at 8:00 running. I am telling my family I am on Holiday. My mum can not suffer a rise in high pressure can kill her, and my dad will start saying crazy things..... So I phone my younger brother and told him the situation. The first time I share something with him really! To me is helping me a lot, I can not control by myself right now... Specially now that I quit my job I feel very insecure and am lost! So far is working... Tomorrow will see what is the next step!!! My head can not think straight so one step at a time!!! I am awake 24x7 I only got small tranquillizers that do not make me high at all :headbange And yesterday I gave in 30 benzos............................... I was driving me mad thinking get home and have the lot!!!!!!!!!!!! And I did not do it!!! So to me a month is like a year!!! I got to get ready... Big Hug and lots of positive wishes from across the Ocean, Aiko XO |
Aiko, I'm so proud of you. |
Well I wasn't thinking only of NA or AA. This doc you chew on occasionally must have other patients in recovery. Does he ever get them together for a group discussion or is it strictly mano a mano? Sort of a Hemingway thing? Anyway, if it works work it. Many paths up Mt Fuji.(But same thing for the North Wall of the Eiger). I like the idea of "sitting in a coffee shop having a good time with strange people". How strange? Awesomely strange? Hemingway never did kick the booze. Same for Fitzgerald. And Zelda! That's awesomely strange! W. |
So proud of you, Aiko; turning in those 30 benzos was major progress. Sending love. |
How are you, Aiko? |
Dear Friends, Still cutting down now to 10mg one dose... and two different antidepressants. But I still go crazy sometimes and the doctor learned how to reduce me and has to hold me down and Is not him... it me that goes bonkers...... Today I hurt my nose... do not know how... I am painting a lady full of rats all over, from baby rats to big ones!!! I got really inspired by Ganesha and the rat. If you leave the rat to give you a ride they say!!! Symbolism: ĻDesire unless under control can cause havoc, you ride the desire and keep it under control and donīt allow it to take you for a rideĻ I do not know how the day centre has not kicked me out yet!!! The has not given up with me! He is convinced I am going to make it! In fact today I drove him so crazy I managed an extra dose and when I got home I felt so bad, he is taking so much time and effort for me to stop.......... so I opened in he basin and open it and flashed it and sent it by phone so he knew!.... I am making an efforts too. But still have something running in my head I have to do!!! I just want to open the meds cabinet lock!!! I am going to buy a safe box with a lock and practice... and then leave him a note inside!!! I promised I would not still :( so I can not do that %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%, really tempting... I know even when I can do it... He would go really mad at me If I do it!!!!!!!!!!! He made me aware that even If I believe inside me I think I am normal, people outside see me un-stable!!! I never thought people would see me from outside not normal!!! I call it creativity and extrovert personality.... But starting to realize what I do....... some days............. Is just not normal.......................................... God is taking effect... got to go to sleep!!!!!!! Night night Big Hug and hope you are doing well :) XO |
Aiko! So good to hear from you. I'm glad you're making progress. I needed to hear your good news. |
Hi Aiko: Good for you! Congratulations. It's tough but you're hanging in there. Looks like you're doing a lot of fantasizing about gaming the doc. But I think you really respect him and rely on him to get you out of this, something which requires your help or it won't work. When you flushed the pill down the toilet and sent him a photo to prove it you were telling him that you were making every effort to play by his rules. It may not be the easiest path but if it's the path for you and you two can work together it sounds like he's right when he says that he has confidence that this is going to work out. So it's great to see that and every good wish to you both. If you succeed you will find that you feel a lot more comfortable if you taper off and rely on non addictive medications. As you know, with addictive medications your body builds up a tolerance and this leads to increasing the dose, etc., etc. And it's down the slippery slope, a very uncomfortable place to be. Good luck and every good wish. Do keep in touch. We're all rooting for you!:c011: Bill |
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