trachemys

HI, Aiko! Sounds like you're making progress again. Keep at it.

Aiko

Starting to snap out of it!
It has been hell inside the head and keep staring at nothing....

Option 1:
Thinking ways to end in a non-painful way...
Thinking to make a will!...................

Option 2:
Renovate the passport!

Option 3 an Aim:
I got a burofax, I been made redundant but I am having a Settlement cheque and a monthly pay!
So tomorrow I am going to stand up and turn up at the Lawfirm and sign!

I decided to keep the cheque for a Masters!
To be able to improve my position and to keep busy my head.

I can phone and go back to my old position if I wanted
But I want to change my life,
Going back Is like a defeat!!! Never!

My doc is been helping me tones...
Phones me every morning to make sure I get up literally!!!
Do positive activities to get out of the house!
and as soon as he can collects me so I am not left alone too long!

Makes sure I look after myself...
As all gets secondary to addictions!!!
Done my hair, my nails, facial, clean the Car, etc...

I am working really hard to get up!!!
But I am doing my hardest I swear!
I can not keep my eyes open when the med quicks in!!!!

Hope are all well!
All my Love from across the sea!
Aiko

wpainterw

Aiko:
This sounds hopeful. But be very very careful climbing this very dangerous cliff alone except for your doctor with whom you must admit you have had severe differences which occasionally have led to fights. Option 1 is always there for all of us but in many ways it is the ultimately selfish alternative, a slap in the face to all who survive you, usually consigning them to guilt for the remainder of their lives, as my sister's suicide in 1968 has done to me and did to my mother, who lived with that till 1997, if you can call that "lived".
I don't understand Option 2 ("Renovate the passport"). Would you go somewhere? Where? Why"
Good luck on what hopefully may be called your recovery. We worry about you, my friend, or at least I do. That is what we do. Worry. We try to help. That is also what we do. 24/7.

Bill.

SoberLeigh

Aiko, I am so proud of your benzo-free week and of your plans to seek your master's degree (what a great way to keep busy and create a better professional profile).

Please keep your sobriety and recovery work as your absolute No. 1 priority; without sobriety and recovery, everything else starts to crumble.

I echo Bill's sentiments on Option #1 (Non-Option#1). Trash that option, my friend.

Sending love to you.

wpainterw

I'm sorry. I still don't understand "Option No. 2". And I remain at Kleinesheidegg in Switzerland, looking up at the North Face of the Eiger. I wish these two climbers all the luck in the world and hope that they do not fight with one another again.

Bill

Aiko

Dear friends,

Iam trying to avoid option 1 but the head does not stop!!! 24x7!!!!

Bill so sorry for the loss of your syster...
I know how much it hurts loosing a loved one...
That is why I am pushing... my family would not recober loosing two...

And Bill to renew passport is hope!
To travel... but were ever I go comes my head and my problem!!! And am not strong enough right now...

Am fighting and hopping that my head will calm down in a while... fingers crossed as the waves are really driving me mad literally!
Maybe a few months... I hope It will settle down as some days the water is drawns you down!

And Kitty drives me mad... I am not well and she keeps jumping on me.
Wakes me up at 7:00 to take her out...
And then go back to bed!
But gives me love and I have to take her out that helps to move.
Is a responsability. I have to look after the dog and depends on me, so It pushes to get up

And regarding opening the center's drugs cabinet... my doc saw a picture of the lock on my mob... so If I empty it he will know straight away where to look!!!%**$%*$%$*%$%*$!!!

I will be ok!
For some reason I have to be alive!

Lots of Love and (((Hugs)))
Aiko

wpainterw

Aiko: Traveling is usually not a good idea. They call it the "geographical cure". The AV loves to travel. Likes that booze cart coming down the aisle in the plane. Likes all those sidewalk cafes with folks drinking wine. Its inner voice says, "Try just one! Don't be a spoil sport! You deserve it what with all the "progress" you've made!" Good luck. It gets better if you hang tough. Hang in there.

Bill.

trachemys

Aiko, Option 1 is off the table. No discussion.

I think you are doing great. Keep on doing great.

wpainterw

Aiko:
You wrote: "And regarding opening the center's drugs cabinet... my doc saw a picture of the lock on my mob... so If I empty it he will know straight away where to look!!!%**$%*$%$*%$%*$!!!

Sorry I just can't sit around and agree with everything and say things are just fine. So I'll say this and hope it's O.K. The problem with fooling around with the lock on the cabinet is now that if anyone else should do that you might get blamed for it.
I may be a pain in the neck or may be thought by some as not being really "supportive" but I am your friend and want you to get well and not suffer more. So you do it your way and I'm supportive on that if that's the way it's got to be but if there are things like suggesting you take a taxi if there is a risk of driving or not fooling around with the medicine cabinet then I will say them because I am your true friend. You've got a lot of happiness waiting for you if you just watch your step, Good luck

Bill

wpainterw

Aiko:
I'm so happy that you liked my previous post. Because I have grown so fond of you I just want to share some of the things I have gone through in those forty years when I was struggling with this illness, like the time when, after giving what I thought was a successful presentation, I decided that I would reward myself with just one drink, ending seven years of sobriety and ushering in thirteen years of further relapses (three in number). Like a ball bouncing downstairs, Down! Down! Down! It's not easy and many folks just don't make it back.

Bill.

SoberLeigh

Hope you check-in soon, Aiko.

We care so much about you.

Hawkeye13

Hope you are doing well and making progress Aiko

Hevyn

We're thinking of you, Aiko.

Aiko

Am on my 11th day...

Am doing better by day,
the first weekend I thought I could not make it
and that wanted to jump of the first cliff I find......
And at one point I had hold of one key and over 60 pills no joke..........
and did not take them...
I have learned:
I am not stable from outside as much as I pretend!
And am a coward and I do not wan to affront life and hide in drugs and alcohol.
Never thought I was a coward... before!

But I made it

The only thing that is making me So Unstable is
I been with someone I should not have been!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For So Many Big Reasonssss!!!
But we said we would not do it anymore until I am off the treatment
and I have recovered.
Too many reasons and am recovering, so we said we leave it.
Just Sex no falling in Love,
No compromise,
We are adults bla bla bla...
My heart aches again really!

Tomorrow I am going to my parents to let them know I quit my job,
they will not know I am on a sick leave...
Let alone I got clean again!!!
So fingers crossed they take it gently and do not do my head in!!!

I am thinking of changing my career... not sure yet!
Thinking of learning Russian in the meantime!
And make a time table of activities as my doctor wants me to.
So I am always busy not looking at the ceiling!

Just started the night pill... to take effect!
ca noG continue... night night
XO

wpainterw

Hi Aiko: Your last post sounds very hopeful. It's reassuring that you saw the danger of a relationship with someone who has not yet gone into recovery, Things should gradually get better and better for you and you should feel more comfortable as time goes on. But it takes patience, courage and always watching your back, sniffing out when your AV is planning a relapse. Relapses are common but never a reason to give up. The reality is that it takes quite a while for body and mind to stabilize. As you know, I relapsed after seven years of sobriety and didn't manage to straighten myself out for thirteen years. That's why I emphasize so often the need to associate with others in recovery. A group of some kind, if not AA then something else. Ask the doc about that why not. Good luck. All the best!

Bill.

SoberLeigh

I am so pleased that you are 11 days clean, Aiko. I don't have any benzo experience but, from everything that I have read here, the early times are very difficult. The early times are temporary, though; they will be replaced, in time, with all the goodness of recovery.

I can't wait for you to experience that!!!!!!

Goodnight, Aiko.

Sending love.

wpainterw

Aiko:
A propos my last posting to you I tried to get links on this website expressly dealing with relapse (a crucial issue particularly in the first years of recovery) but for some reason was unable to get a good one. Perhaps persons on this website or the administrator or forum leader may be able to suggest a link. Also there are even books dealing with it. As I have mentioned earlier, as recovery starts (and again congratulations on that!) you may find yourself elated, sometimes described as a "pink cloud". The danger is overconfidence, a state of mind which makes you particularly vulnerable to your AV. I have also suggested getting the support of other persons in recovery. If AA or NA is not for you, what about SMART Recovery? What about group counseling? Your brain and body are still very vulnerable since you are in the very early days of what I hope will be a long and successful voyage. Be careful and develop your sensitivities to moments of danger. They say relapses are subconsciously planned days in advance. You can sense this and head them off. Exercise is also good. Helping others in some way. Good luck.

Bill

wpainterw

No response to my Email of five hours ago. Can someone (e.g., administrator, forum leader, etc.) recommend one or more links for advice on how to be aware of relapse possibilities? It would be helpful to her and important at this very early stage of what promises to be a recovery

Thanks.

Bill.

Soberwolf

Thinking of you & sending all my love x

saoutchik

Here is a link on relapse avoidance, it is a bit general but at least it is not too dry to read. I hope I am not contravening any rules regarding medical advice - I don't think I am

Congratulations on what will be 12 days by now Aiko

8 Ways to Prevent Relapse