wpainterw

Aiko: You wrote: "I am painting a lady full of rats all over, from baby rats to big ones!!!
I got really inspired by Ganesha and the rat.
If you leave the rat to give you a ride they say!!!
Symbolism: ¨Desire unless under control can cause havoc, you ride the desire and keep it under control and don´t allow it to take you for a ride

Very true! And we alcoholics and substance abusers know Ganesha's Rat as the AV! The Hindus knew that the rat must be kept under control. If the rat is in control Ganesha is in big trouble. Amazing what the Hindus knew! Good luck with controlling the rat!

Bill

Aiko

I am struggling to control de Rat"""

The head did the CLICK!!!
I have to get stoned yes or yes...
Is like a robot... it takes control and will not stop until it gets it!!!

I dragged to do sports on the beach this morning depressed,...
This after noon with another nut case and the doc to walk a few miles...

I went to a friends house- she run out of benzo!!!
So I said ok!!! lets buy pollen to the neighbour...

And I Thought that is it pot my daily pills and the mini bar at the workshop of art... and I sleep on the floor...
And tomorrow I am still with the same problems... and my head even worse. Great!!!

The doc is really trying to keep me straight
but my head is all the time planing ...
He phones or txt: what are you up to????
So I said it so he just pop in and took it away...
It makes him angry my behaviour.
Do you want to continue be stoned...???
over 20 years taking all sorts and still at it"""???
Do you want to recover or continue???
not to waste more time!!!

Now my head is more calmed and the CLICK STOPPED...

I am depressed with my job loss.... well still am on sick leave... but I need to find another job.

I really got worked out as my mum asked me today to take her to but a new lamp for her... and I just could not put poker face today...
I just could not pretend as usual all is great, I am strong, am happy............

So just wanted to disconnect!!!

So now I took my night pill, I have a sower and tomorrow at 9:30 I am going running with him again...

I am a disaster... but at least I am not alone any more...
he is stopping me all he can...
But at the end of the day is my doing!!!

Recover or
Psychotic attack at the end they keep telling me.. or brain damage.. etc...

So another day getting through...
I got to do more activities but I just am depressed...
But am working on it!!!

Big Hug,
And hope you are doing ok

Soberwolf

Thinking of you x

Dee74

I don't think you're a disaster Aiko...keep moving in the right direction

D

wpainterw

Thanks Aiko:
Sorry you are depressed but this should get better if you persist. I'd avoid the friend with the benzos because hanging around her would be a very big risk at this time ("Here, have one, Have two, etc. etc. Why don't you get stoned along with me?") Like a compulsive eater trying to give up cake and having to hang out with a cake eater. The Rat and the AV want you to do this. Avoid it like the plague.
As for me, I'm doing fine except that I get depressed too, particularly when I think of U.S. politics. The thing to do is escape reading, exercise. Good luck and all the best.

Bill

SoberLeigh

Aiko, it is so good to hear from you and to see that you are making such good progress. Flushing that extra dose shows great strength and commitment - I am so proud of you.

I am very glad that you are utilizing your painting skills as an expressive outlet.

Stay the course, sweetheart.

Sending love.

Leigh

SoberLeigh

Agreed!

Aiko, you are withdrawing from a powerful drug; stay the course; you are going to make it. This difficult challenge will soon be behind you; you will be the victor.

trachemys

You're doing great, Aiko! Keep it up!

Aiko

I RUINED IT!!!

I asoulted my doc yesterday....
I fought and swallow pills, I bit his finger trying to take out of my mouth,
he crashed some on the road floor and I took the powder with my wet fingers from the floor so he pored water on them....
And I even thought to lick it but that was far too degrading
it was mud with drugs on the floor!!!
The sad part is I even thought of it!

We fought and my lip was bleeding as I had cut it.
One day I will get arrested.
Or throw out of the centre.

He said that my actions will have consequences...
I do not know if today I will get any dose
or will lower it to 5mg as a punishment.
I took I think over 25mg yesterday and I wanted more...

So I walked to the art workshop at night
and thought I finish with the mini bar,...
but started to take effect by then...
I had the bottles in my hands but I did NOT do it!
If I mix too much I can have and OD.
And I am scared of drinking... am an alcoholic.
and I have not got drunk for a long time.
I do not know how I will react.

I lied on the floor and my dog just kept licking me and I was pushing her!!!
So I phoned people I could not get back home
but no body answered.

I could not paint... so walked on the street for a wile.
I am still stoned.

I am regretting it... I was stabilizing!

Started to realize I am not normal...
I can have a coherent conversation but I can suddenly get aggressive!
I am worried I do not know how I will get through the week.
Still in sick leave... too many hours in my hands....

I always ruin it!
I was getting better...
But maybe is time to say that is it!!!

I just will stay in the sofa today... until he tells me to go to the centre and give me a good telling off.
I need someone stronger than me to control me.

I always disappoint people...
and always leave me!
I hope he wont give up on me
I do not want to be alone with my sick head!

And I always come here to get it out of my chest... I feel sad!
Is not fair on you!
But I need to express it sorry!

Big hug,
Aiko

Dharma33

Dear Aiko,

I know you have said in the past a detox or rehab center isn't for you....but I really wish you would rethink it. Or, maybe don't think and just GO!! And I say this with love, because I know there is so much more in life for you then to be a slave to addiction. A rehab center - imagine not having to worry about anything for 3 or 4 months but getting better!

wpainterw

This is what I think. Honestly. I am fond of Aiko. Concerned about you, Aiko. I want you to get well and I cannot just sit by and keep saying, "Keep up the good work. Congratulations, etc." This way of trying to get recovery has not been working out and it is hard both on your doctor and on you. When the rehab suggestion has been raised, when I have said what a fine result and start Mera had with her experience in Florence, you said that you were tough and would not retreat to a cosy nest. You would do it on your own and now you have said that you may very well get arrested and have to do jail as your "rehab" and possibly for a long time. And I have also said that you may hurt or kill yourself or someone else driving your car "stoned" as you say.
Isn't it time to admit that this is more powerful than you, that you desperately require help from a rehab and that perhaps we too have been in denial by encouraging you in your efforts to do it as an outpatient?
I honestly think that we have done you a disservice in saying how wonderful it has all been when things have not been wonderful at all, when you were heading towards a cliff, both for yourself and for others. Be kind to yourself. Think of others you may or will put at risk if this continues. Look at Mera's postings. Maybe get in touch with her.
One thing we all agree on. We are fond of you, concerned about you. And upset if we may have made things worse for you.

Bill.

wpainterw

Aiko:
Please look at the posting I have just put up in reply to Dharma33. The posting is really for you and for all of us. If this continues you appear to me to be heading over a cliff. If it goes on this way it will in all probability end in disaster.
If some on this website say that this is not being "supportive", I strongly disagree. That is all I can say. Please look at Mera's postings. Get in touch with her. Save yourself. Save others. Do not keep trying to climb this cliff while you bite and attack the only one on the end of your rope, the one who if this goes on may leave you all by yourself. On the North Face of the Eiger. I must say this. To say it any other way would be irresponsible and uncaring.

Bill.

wpainterw

Has no one anything to say to Aiko? Is there only Dharma33 and me? Aiko's post was put up at 2:09 a.m. today. It is now 11:47 EDT.

Bill.

SoberLeigh

Agreed.

Aiko, please give in-patient some very serious consideration. It is your very life and well-being that you should be considering. It is what we are considering when we make this suggestion.

Coldfusion

Aiko, I pray that you get the help you need before something else serious happens.

SoberLeigh

Agreed.

Aiko, we say this to you as your true friends.

I believe with all that is within me that long-term, inpatient rehab is what is required in order for you to conquer this beast.

Jsbodhi

Aiko we're here for you xoxoxo

least

I too think inpatient rehab is the thing to do. You have shown you can't get better on your own. Go to rehab and let professionals help you.

Melina

Aiko,

Please go to the ER and tell them you are a danger to yourself. Let them help you.

Best wishes,
Melina

Upward2Enlightenment

We are with you Aiko, don't give up. You are stronger than you realize.