ardy

prayers and a steady shoulder kiddo.. wow you have a lot on your plate... balance and time for yourself.. have been there it is going to be rough...

SoberLeigh

It is so wonderful to hear from you, dear Aiko.

A huge congratulations on 120 clean and sober days and in passing the English teaching class!!!!!

Sending love.

Aiko

Am starting to struggle...

Am upset for days now...
my secret lover situation is upsetting me!
am falling in love and can not be!!!
I wish I would not have to see him again...
It is so difficult to find someone that understands you, that you are comfortable with, that is so amazing in bed...
But at the end of the day am alone!

On my own with pills in a draw and home alone...
my tenant will be back in a couple of hours...
But I am not touching them...!!!

I got all ready for the purchase of the premises and am awaiting
not working drives me mad!!!

Sorry I come here to waffle... but I needed to talk...
Thank you for listening.

XO
Aiko

Gilmer

Hi, Aiko!

Dee74

Talk all you need to Aiko. It's great you're not touching the pills.

Sorry for the romantic entanglement tho. I think the longer it goes on the more difficult it's going to be to stop?

D

SoberLeigh

I am very happy (and relieved) that you have come to talk about your struggles. That's just what SR is all about - seeking support and receiving it.

You are a strong woman - much stronger than you realize.

If you and your man are not on the same page when it comes to the future of your relationship, now may be the time to re-examine and weight the benefits of the relationship against the inadequacies of same.

I am confident that you will make the decision that is right for you. You have made many important and healthy decisions in recent months. I have no doubt that you will prevail in this situation, also.

In the meantime, and always, sending you love.

trachemys

Hey, Aiko!

I think a little romantic drama is so much better than drug and drink drama.

You're doing great.

wpainterw

Hi Lydia:
Sorry you have some rough sledding. We are with you all the way as to helping in any way we can. My own reaction to your present challenge is that this is risky for you and your continuing to play nanny for the tenant could spell trouble in the long run. The tenant should have his own doctor supervise the pills the way your doctor was doing for you. You didn't have a nanny. Neither should he. This is the doctor's responsibility and by having you do this he is putting you, his patient, at risk. Secondly, which is more important, your sobriety, indeed your very life, or your current lover? It is up to you to answer this, not me. Forty years of hell have convinced me that NOTHING , NOTHING! is more important than my sobriety. Not family, not even dog, NOTHING because without sobriety I am truly lost, back in my own private hell and I never want to return there. It's up to you to choose
You have amazing courage, amazing guts, stamina. You are well on the road to recovery and only a few can do what you have done thus far. Give the pills back to the doctor. Bid farewell to the lad and wish him well. Your sobriety is your greatest asset, worth everything you might imagine. Find another lover who is not a risk to you I'm sure they are out there and anyone falling in love with you would be fortunate indeed.
Whatever you do you have the fondest support of

Bill.- forever!

ardy

Hi Aiko!
wow do we know what you are going thro... try past lover..from 26 years ago.. is suddenly at the same grocery store.. and is standing there in front of you... and is so much older. then you remember.. I mean like 5 inches shorter and looks like your GrandDad.. pleasant chatter and nice to see you again.. and you are out of there.. and then no matter what day you go to the store . or what time he is there.. with this face this sad face.. for you see at 66 I really do look pretty much like I did at 42 years of age.... then one day he has to engage chatter of Politics.. and how no one know what they are talking about .. the change that needs to happen... never do that with someone that has been in Child Protection and has guarded the body bag of a tiny child ... never.. stepped into his space and let him know .. where I was for 9 years... he stepped back and was afraid... started to turn away.. so much small then me.. older then me.. and now sad so sad.. for we were good banter mates as well as .. . well you know... stopped him and turned him to me.. no regrets kiddo no regrets... smile now for a Lady Clown.. and remember some sun shine ... know he went home and opened a bottle and emptied it.. sad ... shake it off.. new day new year new time...

Aiko!
you can do this Stand Tall Hold the High ground and Keep Punching... prayers ardy

wpainterw

Hi Ardy:
Such sadness! What can I say? What can I do? Seems like nothing would help. Other than saying... Well, I am here and what you have posted makes me think of you and hope that there is some sunlight in your life. My troubles for all those years have been light compared to what you tell me.

Bill.

ardy

Hi all.. I have no regrets... some sadness on how my children and I had to live life in the 1980's.... but seems that the harder things were the better they are for it all today...
men old flames and past loves... ah.... what can you say.. smile kiddo and know that you never hurt anyone on purpose and if it was in the 1970's through the 1990's hey... circles moved to fast back then.... like I tell my hubby I will be there to watch and stand firm when needed.. but will rib you about the "All the Time" girl every so often... he will never run into old flames of mine.... most were older.. and have past on.. happens that way when you are now 66... I knew some great men and fine gentlemen.. back in the 1980's and I knew some real rats too... don't go there babe it just upsets you... back Demons of Hell Back.... so

Stand Firm What do you really want out of life Now not back then.. and like Janice Joplin hit the desk clerk at least once and hour any calls notes letters or Teligrams for me... do believe with all my heart that young lady would be here today if she had known that Young man had sent a note that said " met me in our fav spot" she would have flown out of the Motel on wings on her feet.. instead of wings on her back.... sorry.... have to go and hug my hubby love and prayers ardy..... remember No Regrets... for Life is to Short......

wpainterw

Ardy: Remember the Senility Song? "My old flame! I don't even remember her name!". (And Jimmy Durante: 'Everyone's tryin' to get into de act!")

W.

Aiko

My tenant has gone with the parents this week to Madrid
and I kept 8 of his pills...
I lied
I said there were no more,
to ask more to the doc for the trip.
I left a cocaine addict without tranquillisers...
I hope he is ok!!!

I have then in a jewellery box for days now and am nervous.
I have told my doc I can not have them in the flat.
I said I can keep an eye on the boy but I can not take care of his meds...
So tomorrow morning I agreed to hand then in.

I do not want to give them up...
but I can not start the craziness again...

Am brokenhearted and am suffering...
Can not control my feelings!!!
How can I be such an IDIOT!!!

Alcohol and drugs just will make me more sick in the head and will not help my situation... my life will not improve on the contrary...
Two ends or overcome it or overdose.
So have to swallow it and accept it!

Am just upset and have to hand it the pills and I do not want to
But I will do it...

Gilmer

You did right, Aiko. It's been such a long and difficult fight--you know you don't want to go back to being enslaved as you were,

wpainterw

Dear Lydia::
You wrote "Am just upset and have to hand it the pills and I do not want to
But I will do it..."
Please, please do it.! Remember the long,long road we have travelled together, "we", all of us on SR, including me. Remember the way you were only two years ago and how horrible it was for you. Happiness for you lies ahead now. You have been strong, resilient, incredibly courageous. If you slip it will be devastating for you emotionally. I guarantee that you will feel completely miserable.
You have done something for yourself that only a few manage to do. You have given yourself freedom, rescued the true Lydia.
No matter what happens I will be here for you forever. Do send me a PM if you wish. Or set up a Skype call on the phone. We have done it before. We can do it again. Just to chat, to say hello. My dog talking to your dog. Do this for yourself. And do it for the dog!
Fondly,

Bill.

wpainterw

P.S. Lydia. It is 8:00 p.m. here in Massachusetts and I gather well past midnight where you are. Hopefully you are asleep. If you should happen to awake, consider taking these pills to the ER at the local hospital and turning them over. It will make you feel better, I guarantee it and it will put your AV back where it belongs. If you have already taken a pill, take a taxi to the ER. Then you will have proof that you don't have the pills with you any more. I guarantee that you will feel better. Please believe me.

Fondly,

Bill.

SoberLeigh

I am proud of you, dear Aiko; handing in the pills is the right thing to do.

You will be so relieved when you turn those pills over and have your sobriety still safely intact.

wpainterw

Hi Lydia:
May I inquire whether you handed in the pills? It would help me feel better about this. I recall having raised this issue awhile back either in a post or in a private message and recommending at that time that you ask your doctor not to put you in this position. Did you do that? If so, apparently he did not agree with that and has continued to place you under stress. All I can say now is that I am saddened by this and sorry you have to go through this. I would say that you have three alternatives. Tell your doctor that you will no longer accept pills from him given to you for the purpose of helping a patient. Secondly, continue with doing this and placing yourself at risk. Disposing of the pills in some other way, such as by taking them to the ER and leaving them there with a note to the doctor. The pills are his property and his means of treating a patient other than you.
If your AV is jerking you around on this I am concerned. I did not expect your AV to agree with me. Quite the contrary. But I assume I am talking to the real Lydia now and not to the AV.
Every good wish and lots of luck with this. I am always here for you, as I am sure everyone else on this SR is.
Fondly,

Bill.

Dee74

You sound on a really dangerous and slippery slope Aiko...I really hope you thought about the progress you've made, and made the right choice in the end.

I hope your tenant is ok too

D

wpainterw

Lydia: I agree with Dee. When I look back and see your posts of two years ago when (I'm sure you will agree) you were then incoherent and out of control in your illness, utterly unhappy, desperate, really in a living hell, this could happen again and, since the illness is progressive, it could become even worse. My last relapse in 1988 nearly killed me within a week.
You have made so much progress. You are a good ways up the hill of recovery. But overconfidence is your greatest enemy.
I so hope I am not just talking to your AV now. Are you sure? Am I talking to Lydia, the real one, my true friend?
Fondly,

Bill.