Class of October 2015 Part 7
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: sydney nsw
Posts: 785
Juno, I understand, I really do.. I dont know if I can make it myself but I now take it day by day..I asked a while ago how many attempts at sobriety each one of us had had. All of us said more than once. I think I have learnt from each attempt and take whats learnt when I try again.
We are all here as we do want to beat this beast..Am I able to do it this time around? I try my hardest that is all I can do. If I fall I need to come back.. I am always here for support whatvever that is for you Juno.
Alcoholism is like nicotinism to me. When I smoked my whole life was controlled by cigarettes.. As a non smoker now and Its been a long time. Cigarettes dont even enter my mind. I am hoping/wishing that this will be the case with alcohol as well. That is what I am waiting for...
We are all here as we do want to beat this beast..Am I able to do it this time around? I try my hardest that is all I can do. If I fall I need to come back.. I am always here for support whatvever that is for you Juno.
Alcoholism is like nicotinism to me. When I smoked my whole life was controlled by cigarettes.. As a non smoker now and Its been a long time. Cigarettes dont even enter my mind. I am hoping/wishing that this will be the case with alcohol as well. That is what I am waiting for...
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 1,486
Sydney,I keep hearing from longterm sober peeps that it does indeed get to the point where we never think of it,much like how you feel about the smokes,Juno,just keep posting here,this is hard,it shouldn't be, it should be common sense that if something is destroying our lives,health, etc just to stop but its not like that at all!! I think about drinking or not drinking every single day!(wish we could swear here cuz that's how irritated with it I get) my daughter is visiting from Portland right now and she offered my 18 year old son to fly back with them and stay for a bit,I dunno if I can handle having him gone,I mean rationally I know he's old enough,will be safe,he'd probably love it but selfishly I'm scared of him going! I'm scared I'll drink out of missing him and also of having the house to myself during my witching hours of 1 to 5 until hubs gets home from work,I feel so selfish,its so stupid to get all panicky about it but that's how I feel
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 506
Juno, I'm glad you came right back. I thought something was a little off when we didn't hear from you yesterday, and I knew one of your sons is gone for a few days. It takes as many times as it takes. Your AV is persistent, but I know you are more persistent. The important thing is that you keep trying, juno!!! I believe you can and will overpower the AV because you are that strong : )
Winslow, your post about your hair made me crack up this morning : ) My kiddo is about to leave too. He will be gone from June 5th to July 1st. First he is going to see family and friends in Memphis then he is going to DC. When he went to Memphis last summer for a couple of weeks, I got druuunk. But unfortunately that wasn't any different than I was when he's here. For about one minute it crossed my mind that if I wanted to drink, my chance is coming up to do it. But I have no reason to believe I'll magically stop when he comes back. What scares me is that I wouldn't stop, and my son would come back to seeing his mom drunk everyday again. No good. I wondered if I should be more worried about my upcoming time alone, but I don't have it in me to feel worried about it. Whether I'm alone or around people doesn't change my reality that I do not moderate my drinking once I start.
I was on the phone with the marketplace insurance after work, and she asked me if I smoke. I said yes, and she said that can affect your insurance premium. I'm like come on, ask me if I drink! I want to talk about that. Alcohol sure is unhealthy, but that was never a question she asked me.
Winslow, your post about your hair made me crack up this morning : ) My kiddo is about to leave too. He will be gone from June 5th to July 1st. First he is going to see family and friends in Memphis then he is going to DC. When he went to Memphis last summer for a couple of weeks, I got druuunk. But unfortunately that wasn't any different than I was when he's here. For about one minute it crossed my mind that if I wanted to drink, my chance is coming up to do it. But I have no reason to believe I'll magically stop when he comes back. What scares me is that I wouldn't stop, and my son would come back to seeing his mom drunk everyday again. No good. I wondered if I should be more worried about my upcoming time alone, but I don't have it in me to feel worried about it. Whether I'm alone or around people doesn't change my reality that I do not moderate my drinking once I start.
I was on the phone with the marketplace insurance after work, and she asked me if I smoke. I said yes, and she said that can affect your insurance premium. I'm like come on, ask me if I drink! I want to talk about that. Alcohol sure is unhealthy, but that was never a question she asked me.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,292
If I am brutally honest the reason I'm here and the reasons that I want to quit are twofold.
One is that alcohol depresses me terribly the next day. I'm sure most of us on this site will understand the self-loathing, fear, worry, regret, embarrassment which has become deeper and deeper each time. I'm such a wreck I can hardly move.
The other reason is that I'm worried about the health impact that my binge drinking is having on my health. I can literally feel my blood pressure rising, feel ypthe inflammation in parts of my body and physically see my red, puffed face in the mirror.
I don't and don't need to drink every day. Normally once a week is enough for me unless I'm on holiday. So considering all that look upon any periods of sobriety as positive and try to learn a bit more from it. Although relapsing is a terrible event, mentally and physically, I want to cherish my sober time too p, pat myself on the back a little.
My main point, hard to decipher I'm know, is that relapsing once every couple of weeks is far better that not even attempting sobriety. For 2 weeks, 2 months and 2 years we've done well and a one day relapse shouldn't totally overshadow that.
One is that alcohol depresses me terribly the next day. I'm sure most of us on this site will understand the self-loathing, fear, worry, regret, embarrassment which has become deeper and deeper each time. I'm such a wreck I can hardly move.
The other reason is that I'm worried about the health impact that my binge drinking is having on my health. I can literally feel my blood pressure rising, feel ypthe inflammation in parts of my body and physically see my red, puffed face in the mirror.
I don't and don't need to drink every day. Normally once a week is enough for me unless I'm on holiday. So considering all that look upon any periods of sobriety as positive and try to learn a bit more from it. Although relapsing is a terrible event, mentally and physically, I want to cherish my sober time too p, pat myself on the back a little.
My main point, hard to decipher I'm know, is that relapsing once every couple of weeks is far better that not even attempting sobriety. For 2 weeks, 2 months and 2 years we've done well and a one day relapse shouldn't totally overshadow that.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,134
Good morning guys. Thanks for all the useful support and words. I read everything and everyone has useful things to say. That is the benefit of being in a group like this. It is tempting to say this is too hard, I should just give up, etc. I agree with you Winslow - it is hard and it really shouldn't be. That's the mystery to me. For now I will keep trudging along one day at a time, because in the end that is how we live our lives.
As far as Day ones go, I know I had said that Day ones are never magical for me. Yesterday was a bit more magical than usual. I made it that way and it turned out to be a good day. As for quantity of drinking on Tuesday night, I had a bit less than usual so was spared the constant nausea and vomiting that I usually experience. However, the panic attacks were even worse than the last time. The effect that alcohol is having on my nervous system is terrible. This is my main reason for stopping.
There was one silver lining in all of this - my dog was amazing. On a normal night, he sleeps under my bed or at the foot of my bed and keeps his space and gives me mine. However, on this night after I had been drinking and was experiencing panic, he didn't leave me alone all night. He kept moving closer to me and lying by my side as if to offer his support in the best way he could. I think it's amazing that he could sense I was suffering internally and do what he could to help.
Last night my neighbor friend came over to do a couple of jobs. He needed money and I needed a couple of things done - so win-win. I had a new kitchen faucet put it in and I like it. The old one was leaking. I also had him do some work on my front gutters (which is a bigger job, but at least he got started). Getting things accomplished is always a good feeling.
I watched the season finale of Supernatural and then slept like a rock. I have to work both today and tomorrow then hopefully lots of yoga and good fun things over the weekend. Things are looking up. I'll try to respond more to you all individually soon - and thanks for keeping my spirits up.
As far as Day ones go, I know I had said that Day ones are never magical for me. Yesterday was a bit more magical than usual. I made it that way and it turned out to be a good day. As for quantity of drinking on Tuesday night, I had a bit less than usual so was spared the constant nausea and vomiting that I usually experience. However, the panic attacks were even worse than the last time. The effect that alcohol is having on my nervous system is terrible. This is my main reason for stopping.
There was one silver lining in all of this - my dog was amazing. On a normal night, he sleeps under my bed or at the foot of my bed and keeps his space and gives me mine. However, on this night after I had been drinking and was experiencing panic, he didn't leave me alone all night. He kept moving closer to me and lying by my side as if to offer his support in the best way he could. I think it's amazing that he could sense I was suffering internally and do what he could to help.
Last night my neighbor friend came over to do a couple of jobs. He needed money and I needed a couple of things done - so win-win. I had a new kitchen faucet put it in and I like it. The old one was leaking. I also had him do some work on my front gutters (which is a bigger job, but at least he got started). Getting things accomplished is always a good feeling.
I watched the season finale of Supernatural and then slept like a rock. I have to work both today and tomorrow then hopefully lots of yoga and good fun things over the weekend. Things are looking up. I'll try to respond more to you all individually soon - and thanks for keeping my spirits up.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 1,486
Hey all,Juno,my dog was my support last night too! I told hubs about my son maybe going back,he was all happy for him but I burst into tears, my dog came over jumped in my lap and started licking my face,he doesn't want mom sad,it was strange to me that the tears came cuz usually I can never cry,I can feel sad but I never cry and get it out unless I've been drinking,so maybe that's a positive sign that my body is starting to act like its supposed to without liquid courage, Midton,your reasons for being here are the same as mine, health and happiness, that's all I want and I'll never get that if I continue to drink,you made a great point too about the mostly sober days,I had a psychiatrist draw me a graph of where I was drinking daily and my sober sessions and he said even though the drinking is not good,look at the process on a whole,you've made great progress,so that was good to hear,that was back when I was trying to moderate though so I'm sure it would look better now,Sydney,how are you doing?get your bullet coffee today? Grizz,its just sad to think of my sin not beinghere but yyou're right,I don't want him calling a drunk mom,or coming back to one,he was thoroughly horrified at my last drinkbinge and swore i was drinking cuz Prince died, he called that a dumb reason,I dunno if that was one reason,we addicts drink if our eggs are cooked wrong haha,any bloody excuse,well gotta grab more java,much love to all,let's have a great AF day😊
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 506
Juno, a new kitchen faucet and gutters is exciting! I get so excited about house stuff now! It's a good thing we get excited about the little stuff : )
Winslow, I definitely understand being sad. How long do you think your son will be gone for? I have a definite time line for when my son is coming back, but if I didn't, I would be upset too.
Winslow, I definitely understand being sad. How long do you think your son will be gone for? I have a definite time line for when my son is coming back, but if I didn't, I would be upset too.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 1,486
I'm not sure Grizzly,but even 2 days without him will be sad,I've been thinking that I am making up for lost time now that I'm not drinking and wrapping myself up too much in my kds' lives,they're not babies anymore, I had my chance,I blew it,all I can do now I guess is just accept that it is what it is,can't dwell on it or I'll go bananas
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: sydney nsw
Posts: 785
Juno good for coming back!!
Winslow- yes I am here and having my Bullet coffee as I type. I am all fine or as fine as I can be. Another Friday here so weekend around the corner. No worries with drinking though, got to keep busy.
My worry at drinking at home is diminishing by the day. Last night while getting dinner ready I realized that my partner hadn't had a drink himself at all in over 3 weeks now. He hasn't even mentioned it. There you go, drinking is on my mind every day but he doesn't even think of it..
I think Winslow you may also be scared of being alone if your son goes away for a while. Let him go.
You said it could give you the perfect time/excuse to just get drunk. It is a test. Like me going to Bali for 2 weeks is a HUGE test for me. Can I do it? I will try my best. I hope that in 5 weeks time I would have healed more and it will be easier to stay sober.
I loved your line: drunks drink even if the eggs are cooked wrong, LOL.. It is so true. Always an excuse.
Midton I agree with you re the feeling after a session of grog and can relate to the health issues you raise.
I have my docs appointment 20 June so will have all my blood test done again then. I am looking forward to it.
Grizz - Cant help you didn't win lotto!!! any luck with the insurance??
Ok pretty boring from me and not much to post
Need to get ready for the day. Freezing wind here this morning..
Mother in law is discharged from rehab hospital on Sunday and coming to stay for 2 weeks with us. I need to enjoy this weekend to the fullest as I enjoy my own space/time in the house. I will check in later.
Enjoy your day!!
Winslow- yes I am here and having my Bullet coffee as I type. I am all fine or as fine as I can be. Another Friday here so weekend around the corner. No worries with drinking though, got to keep busy.
My worry at drinking at home is diminishing by the day. Last night while getting dinner ready I realized that my partner hadn't had a drink himself at all in over 3 weeks now. He hasn't even mentioned it. There you go, drinking is on my mind every day but he doesn't even think of it..
I think Winslow you may also be scared of being alone if your son goes away for a while. Let him go.
You said it could give you the perfect time/excuse to just get drunk. It is a test. Like me going to Bali for 2 weeks is a HUGE test for me. Can I do it? I will try my best. I hope that in 5 weeks time I would have healed more and it will be easier to stay sober.
I loved your line: drunks drink even if the eggs are cooked wrong, LOL.. It is so true. Always an excuse.
Midton I agree with you re the feeling after a session of grog and can relate to the health issues you raise.
I have my docs appointment 20 June so will have all my blood test done again then. I am looking forward to it.
Grizz - Cant help you didn't win lotto!!! any luck with the insurance??
Ok pretty boring from me and not much to post
Need to get ready for the day. Freezing wind here this morning..
Mother in law is discharged from rehab hospital on Sunday and coming to stay for 2 weeks with us. I need to enjoy this weekend to the fullest as I enjoy my own space/time in the house. I will check in later.
Enjoy your day!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,134
Hi guys, not a whole lot to report here. Just checking in. Today was a decent day with some ups and some downs. My new philosophy in life is to try to find some magic in everyday. There has to be some good in everyday, some magic, some moments that are perfect. Even if the whole day is not perfect. Today that moment was taking a walk with my dog and spotting a little chipmunk. We had seen him yesterday squeak into a little hole and make a noise. Today we saw him in a tree. Sometimes we see little frogs jumping in streams. There's just so much little stuff that is really big that we overlook in our busy lives.
I'm feeling like the last binge was the last and well, I learn from every single one. Here I am, moving forward. My younger son is back from NYC. He had an AMAZING trip. I'm so excited and happy for him. He went to the 9/11 Memorial and Museum (which I haven't even been able to do yet), saw a cool play, and took a cruise to see the Statue of Liberty. My Mom pointed out to him that our ancestors from Ireland came and saw that same statue many years ago. What an educational and transformative trip for a 12 year old!!
The down part of my day occurred when I got home and my older son informed me that he wanted to go to this "Pre-Prom" event that started at 4:00. I had just finished fighting traffic, and I had to get back in my car and take him back to his school. I was cursing the organizers of this event as I got stuck in the most horrible traffic and we missed half of the event. When we got there my son was angry at me for being so late, etc. He's got autism so he doesn't always know where to direct his anger/feelings. The principal of the school spoke to him and told him that he shouldn't blame his Mom for things that are out of my control. He seemed to calm down, but didn't want to stay so we promptly left. He then asked for some dinner and I took him to a drive through because it was so hot and I didn't feel like getting out of my car again. After we got the food everything calmed down and all was well again and I stopped at the grocery store for food for my younger son... ah. Order restored once again.
I'm happy tomorrow is Friday. I happy it's a 3 day weekend. I plan to do yoga everyday this weekend! My co-workers are having a big happy hour/party tonight and I decided to skip it. I'm too old for that stuff and my party days are over. Haha. We'll see what kind of shape everyone is in tomorrow at the office!! Hope everyone is well.
I'm feeling like the last binge was the last and well, I learn from every single one. Here I am, moving forward. My younger son is back from NYC. He had an AMAZING trip. I'm so excited and happy for him. He went to the 9/11 Memorial and Museum (which I haven't even been able to do yet), saw a cool play, and took a cruise to see the Statue of Liberty. My Mom pointed out to him that our ancestors from Ireland came and saw that same statue many years ago. What an educational and transformative trip for a 12 year old!!
The down part of my day occurred when I got home and my older son informed me that he wanted to go to this "Pre-Prom" event that started at 4:00. I had just finished fighting traffic, and I had to get back in my car and take him back to his school. I was cursing the organizers of this event as I got stuck in the most horrible traffic and we missed half of the event. When we got there my son was angry at me for being so late, etc. He's got autism so he doesn't always know where to direct his anger/feelings. The principal of the school spoke to him and told him that he shouldn't blame his Mom for things that are out of my control. He seemed to calm down, but didn't want to stay so we promptly left. He then asked for some dinner and I took him to a drive through because it was so hot and I didn't feel like getting out of my car again. After we got the food everything calmed down and all was well again and I stopped at the grocery store for food for my younger son... ah. Order restored once again.
I'm happy tomorrow is Friday. I happy it's a 3 day weekend. I plan to do yoga everyday this weekend! My co-workers are having a big happy hour/party tonight and I decided to skip it. I'm too old for that stuff and my party days are over. Haha. We'll see what kind of shape everyone is in tomorrow at the office!! Hope everyone is well.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,134
Grizzly, so sorry about the health/insurance troubles. I hope you're making progress with things however it works out. Please let us know how it's going!!
I went for a while without health insurance after my divorce had only catastrophic coverage. I then realized I wasn't really looking after myself and went to a salaried position to get health insurance (among other benefits). Shortly after that, I noticed a spot on my leg. Had it checked out and it was melanoma, fortunately caught early. The timing of getting insurace was so lucky. I hope you are able to get coverage somewhere somehow soon!
I went for a while without health insurance after my divorce had only catastrophic coverage. I then realized I wasn't really looking after myself and went to a salaried position to get health insurance (among other benefits). Shortly after that, I noticed a spot on my leg. Had it checked out and it was melanoma, fortunately caught early. The timing of getting insurace was so lucky. I hope you are able to get coverage somewhere somehow soon!
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 506
Oh winslow! You didn't blow it!! Your kids are alive and well, cared for and loved, so you did good. I have that guilty feeling creep back in, and you're right, it can get me really down if I keep thinking about it. I had a dream a couple of nights ago about my guilt of doing drugs throughout my son's elementary school years. I woke up sad. I just tell myself I cannot change what I've done, but now I know better so do better. We can still lead by example because our kids are still watching what we do, and we still have the power to make an impact on them. Don't be too hard on yourself, winslow. You're making the positive changes. You're doing great : )
Juno, that sounds like a great trip!! That is wonderful he had such a neat experience!
Sydneyman, thanks for trying, lol!! That is funny you said that about your significant other because he's like my significant other, and my reaction is just like yours. My significant other hasn't drank in almost as long as I have, and he's like I just don't think about it. What!??? It's totally foreign to me that someone "just doesn't think about it"- they don't think about doing it and they don't think about not doing it. Ugh, the way our minds work...
Hi midton!
Juno, I got great news on the health insurance! Very low monthly premium, low deductible, great coverage. I was just shocked! And yesterday when my car died I happened to be at an auto parts store. They said it was just the battery. Of all the things it could have been, that's the best possible news. I am feeling very fortunate right now. I want to run around telling everybody my car works and for the first time in 7 years, I have health insurance!!!!
Juno, that sounds like a great trip!! That is wonderful he had such a neat experience!
Sydneyman, thanks for trying, lol!! That is funny you said that about your significant other because he's like my significant other, and my reaction is just like yours. My significant other hasn't drank in almost as long as I have, and he's like I just don't think about it. What!??? It's totally foreign to me that someone "just doesn't think about it"- they don't think about doing it and they don't think about not doing it. Ugh, the way our minds work...
Hi midton!
Juno, I got great news on the health insurance! Very low monthly premium, low deductible, great coverage. I was just shocked! And yesterday when my car died I happened to be at an auto parts store. They said it was just the battery. Of all the things it could have been, that's the best possible news. I am feeling very fortunate right now. I want to run around telling everybody my car works and for the first time in 7 years, I have health insurance!!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: sydney nsw
Posts: 785
Best news ever Grizz.. Health insurance is so important... Glad your car died where it did... All perfect !!!!
Had to quickly respond to your message at it made me so glad.. Do you have a waiting period on the insurance??
Had to quickly respond to your message at it made me so glad.. Do you have a waiting period on the insurance??
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,134
That's wonderful news, Grizzly. So happy to hear this. My melanoma scare made me realize how risky it is to be without health insurance coverage. I feel very lucky to have had the care that I did. Glad you got this sorted. Phew!
Winslow, I think you're being hard on yourself with the whole bad parenting. We have all made mistakes and we have to learn to forgive ourselves. I have not been perfect, either, especially when I was drinking more. One thing my therapist used to say, "No one gets an A+ in parenting." That couldn't be more true. And nothing in the past can be changed, so we are where we are and need to work on being there for our kids as best we can going forward. It's so hard. Really, the hardest thing I have ever done.
Winslow, I think you're being hard on yourself with the whole bad parenting. We have all made mistakes and we have to learn to forgive ourselves. I have not been perfect, either, especially when I was drinking more. One thing my therapist used to say, "No one gets an A+ in parenting." That couldn't be more true. And nothing in the past can be changed, so we are where we are and need to work on being there for our kids as best we can going forward. It's so hard. Really, the hardest thing I have ever done.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 506
Thank you all for sharing in my excitement!!
My coverage doesn't kick in until July 1st. So what I'm thinking is take it easy on what I know triggers the issue (running) and go ahead and make my appointment now for the beginning of July so I'll be ready. I already feel so much relief just in knowing I can deal with this without going broke. Thank you all so much for encouraging me through this!!!
My coverage doesn't kick in until July 1st. So what I'm thinking is take it easy on what I know triggers the issue (running) and go ahead and make my appointment now for the beginning of July so I'll be ready. I already feel so much relief just in knowing I can deal with this without going broke. Thank you all so much for encouraging me through this!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,134
Good morning - just a quick post. I have to run to work very soon. I'm excited to finish up my hours for the week and have a 3 day weekend. I know I deserve it! I never get a full weekend off, never mind a 3 day one!!
I had a few magical moments this morning taking my dog for a walk. The air was fresh and warm, the sky was blue and the birds were chirping loudly in the woods. It was definitely a magical moment. I will keep looking for those moments in the day.
The Juno Recovery is going well. May 25th is day 1 for no alcohol. May 27th begins the climb back to physical health. I have been a lazy, slovenly sloth all spring. There's no other way to put it. It's time to start exercising. No more of this crap. It begins today. I snap out of my lazy streak today.
Have a wonderful Friday everyone!!!
I had a few magical moments this morning taking my dog for a walk. The air was fresh and warm, the sky was blue and the birds were chirping loudly in the woods. It was definitely a magical moment. I will keep looking for those moments in the day.
The Juno Recovery is going well. May 25th is day 1 for no alcohol. May 27th begins the climb back to physical health. I have been a lazy, slovenly sloth all spring. There's no other way to put it. It's time to start exercising. No more of this crap. It begins today. I snap out of my lazy streak today.
Have a wonderful Friday everyone!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 1,486
Hello friends, eeks! I have no health insurance, its too expensive for me ,hubs and son,I know its cheaper in the long run if something happens but 400 bux a month is b.s to me,son is officially going to Portland, ticket bought yesterday, I'll be sad but what can I do? I can't let my selfishness stand in his way,I won't let it,I'll probably be on here ALOT when they leave so watch out,anyways,not much planned today,3 day weekend for most people but just another weekend for me,hello to all,hope everyone enjoys their day😊
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