Class of March 2016 Support Part 14
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Originally Posted by samantha14 
Just checking in this afternoon. It's day 19 I think. I feel defeated. I am tired of getting up everyday and putting on a smiling face for my family, my coworkers, the guests....everyone. I don't want to "fake it til I make it" anymore. I want to be sad, I want to cry and scream, I want to drink....but I won't. Sorry to be a downer - just feeling a bit overwhelmed.
Hang in there friend. I'm praying for you....
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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I agree with Fabela, samantha. Do what you need to do to get it out as long as that doesn’t include drinking. The feelings are not always temporary but they can be dealt with. If that means screaming, so be it. Punch a pillow, cry, whatever you need to do.
I don’t think it’s wrong, Fabela. I felt weird being almost relieved that I wasn’t the only survivor of abuse. I’m so sorry it happened to others, but it also helps to not feel alone. There’s kinship in a shared struggle. If I’ve learned anything from my time here, that’s it. As for the quietness, I think it’s mostly because of the time difference. It’s 4:00 here so many are likely at work.
Thanks, Casey. You make a good point. I do believe in the general saying, but it’s also hard to accept when I want both. I’ve always assumed that the point is acceptance. Until one accepts that the drinking/drugging is not the answer, they’re likely doomed to repeat. As such, wanting to be sober more than wanting to drink/drug to me means accepting a better way. I think I get what you mean, and I hope you get what I mean. If this makes sense to both of us we’re onto something.
I don’t think it’s wrong, Fabela. I felt weird being almost relieved that I wasn’t the only survivor of abuse. I’m so sorry it happened to others, but it also helps to not feel alone. There’s kinship in a shared struggle. If I’ve learned anything from my time here, that’s it. As for the quietness, I think it’s mostly because of the time difference. It’s 4:00 here so many are likely at work.
Thanks, Casey. You make a good point. I do believe in the general saying, but it’s also hard to accept when I want both. I’ve always assumed that the point is acceptance. Until one accepts that the drinking/drugging is not the answer, they’re likely doomed to repeat. As such, wanting to be sober more than wanting to drink/drug to me means accepting a better way. I think I get what you mean, and I hope you get what I mean. If this makes sense to both of us we’re onto something.
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Originally Posted by KiKi0615
Lol! Golden retrievers are so funny! Our first dog was a golden retriever. He was a huge golden! He used to pass gas (aka fart) in his sleep and scare himself! He would be startled awake by the sound his butt just made! He was like "huh?!? Who's down there? What was that noise?" Lol!
I miss him! We had him from 8 weeks until he passed at 12.5 years. He was such a good dog! Now we have a little dog and we love her too!
Animals are awesome & so therapeutic! They are also great listeners! Ha!
I miss him! We had him from 8 weeks until he passed at 12.5 years. He was such a good dog! Now we have a little dog and we love her too!
Animals are awesome & so therapeutic! They are also great listeners! Ha!
And yes, I am so glad that we have pets, Charlie in particular. He is exactly what I needed. 
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Originally Posted by Jemma44
Migraine again. I had one last night and took imitrex and it was ok. But it reared its ugly head again at work today. These are debilitating. Nothing is helping. I can't exercise. I can't do any yard work. I can barely make it through work and care for my son and me. Luckily the ex does not appear to be in a foul mood today and is helping with the little one.
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Thirteenth, are you kidding? People would rather work than talk to me?
Jemma, that migraine sounds awful. Hope you feel better soon.
It's a school night here, we've had four days off and are a bit too accustomed to late mornings. But I refuse to go to bed at 10.15, it's too early.
Jemma, that migraine sounds awful. Hope you feel better soon.
It's a school night here, we've had four days off and are a bit too accustomed to late mornings. But I refuse to go to bed at 10.15, it's too early.
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Originally Posted by samantha14
I'm not going to drink. But don't you ever get tired of being "on" all the time. That's what alcohol was for me - a way to turn it all off. I'm exhausted.
Hang in there and be true to yourself. (((Hug)))
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Originally Posted by Fabela
Casey, you mentioned that whole "You have to want to be sober more than you want to drink" crap, and I couldn't agree more. It's the exact opposite, if you ask me. When you want to drink so badly that you want to rip off your face and beat yourself with it, but you don't drink, THAT is what this is all about. If you have come to that place that you really want to be sober, then you have already won. Until then, it is a fight of titans. (I have never had such cravings, BTW, and I consider myself lucky. I can imagine how it must feel.)
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Originally Posted by Fabela
When you want to drink so badly that you want to rip off your face and beat yourself with it
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Did someone say migraine? Me too, Jemma. Damn they suck. It's when my peripheral vision starts blacking out that I know I'm screwed. Imitrex doesn't always work for me. 50/50 maybe. Maxalt seems to work more often, but not always, maybe you could try it?
I'm sure we'd all rather talk to you than work, Fabela.
I'm sure we'd all rather talk to you than work, Fabela.
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Originally Posted by samantha14
I'm not going to drink. But don't you ever get tired of being "on" all the time. That's what alcohol was for me - a way to turn it all off. I'm exhausted.
And, of course, drinking didn't really turn it off. It just compounded the issues when you had to turn it back on.
Sorry you're hurting today, Jemma44. I'm a baby when it comes to regular headaches, I can't even imagine how bad a migraine must be. Hope it gets better soon.
Glad you got some good sleep, KiKi. Keep on doing the next right thing.
I do understand what people are saying when they say that about wanting to be sober more than you want to drink. There does have to be a strong desire to want to stop to even get over that day one hump, but I just think a lot of newcomers see that sentence and think, "Well, hell, I still want to drink a lot so maybe I'm not ready for this" and that it becomes another excuse to go back out or to continue on with their drinking. No matter how much I want to quit or how low my bottoms have been, there are still going to be days, especially early on, when I want to drink. I've spent 17 years trying to solve every emotion I have by drinking--it's going to take me a while to get my body and mind re-trained after that. I just don't find that sentence to be particularly useful advice for newcomers.
Though I will say I know that "You have to want to be sober more than you want to drink" has also worked wonders for some. I may be confusing her with someone else, but I think our own Bobbieka has said that sentiment was an eye opener for her when she got here.
Basically I think there's a truth to the statement, but I just don't know that it's a particularly helpful truth to someone struggling today. At least I know it wouldn't be for me.
On the other hand, I'm not big on the whole fighting or waging a war against our addiction metaphors either. I'm not going to win a fight against my addiction. It's like an eight hundred pound gorilla in a cage. It wants what it wants when it wants it. But I realize today that I don't really have to fight it because eight hundred pounds or not, it is still just an animal in a cage and it's totally dependent on my actions and thoughts. My addiction has no real control over me until I start feeding it what it wants, that poison that we call alcohol. I repeat that whole "You don't have to take that first drink today no matter what" mantra all the time because I truly believe it. I really don't have to drink today no matter what my addiction tries to tell me. But I take that gorilla out of its cage, it's going to be in charge at that point and I might not be able to get it back in there ever again.
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Thanks everyone 
Casey - I do yoga, I meditate, I journal....I do all those healthy things that I am supposed to.....but sometimes they just don't help....it's like I run in circles and at a certain point I always end up back here....
Casey - I do yoga, I meditate, I journal....I do all those healthy things that I am supposed to.....but sometimes they just don't help....it's like I run in circles and at a certain point I always end up back here....
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Gotcha, samantha. Well, for what little it's worth, you've got my permission to turn yourself off. It's OK to hurt. It's OK to feel those things fully. Just don't drink. That's not the answer.
The feelings will pass given time. That's not a great answer, I know, but it's the truth. The sucky truth but the truth. Sometimes there's no magical answer but to sit through and experience those feelings. Drinking may have been your answer at one point, but you wouldn't be here on this message board if it still was.
But I can tell you from 14 years of on-again, off-again experience, that the endless cycle of sobering up and relapsing is so draining, so much worse than just sitting through those feelings for a while. Now that you've reached the point in your drinking life where you know it's not right for you, you'll never be able to fully go back. Every single time you drink, at least some little part of you will know at first it's the wrong decision. That bottle has been uncorked and can never be completely resealed.
Wishing you the best today. I totally get the place you're in. I've been there before and will probably be there again.
The feelings will pass given time. That's not a great answer, I know, but it's the truth. The sucky truth but the truth. Sometimes there's no magical answer but to sit through and experience those feelings. Drinking may have been your answer at one point, but you wouldn't be here on this message board if it still was.
But I can tell you from 14 years of on-again, off-again experience, that the endless cycle of sobering up and relapsing is so draining, so much worse than just sitting through those feelings for a while. Now that you've reached the point in your drinking life where you know it's not right for you, you'll never be able to fully go back. Every single time you drink, at least some little part of you will know at first it's the wrong decision. That bottle has been uncorked and can never be completely resealed.
Wishing you the best today. I totally get the place you're in. I've been there before and will probably be there again.
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Originally Posted by Thirteenth
I do believe in the general saying, but it’s also hard to accept when I want both. I’ve always assumed that the point is acceptance. Until one accepts that the drinking/drugging is not the answer, they’re likely doomed to repeat. As such, wanting to be sober more than wanting to drink/drug to me means accepting a better way.
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