Saskia

(((Fabela))), I can relate to your story so well. Over the years I have slowly gotten stronger and in recent years have found a lot of peace. Nothing is ever perfect but it can get better. I had a very kind and gentle therapist who helped me a huge amount over a period of about 20 years. There are still after effects but they are things I can work with.

Among things I've learned to do as needed: in my mind I imagine holding that little 4-year old me and keeping her safe. It helps. I hope I'm more empathetic than the average person and try to be kind to all kinds of people.

You've got people in your corner rooting for you

ScottFromWI

If you didn't care you wouldn't come here and tell us as much, right? Do you really want to ruin the rest of the weekend for you and those around you?

Fabela

I want to destroy myself, sweetie.

ScottFromWI

If you mean that literally please call for help.

PennyLane76

What happened Fabela?

Dee74

Please get help Fabela

D

Fabela

There is no more help. I have to do it myself. Just because I want to destroy myself doesn't mean that I am going to do it. That's the worst part; knowing that I am forced to live a life that I don't want.

Dee74

There's a lot of us here who wanted to destroy ourselves Fabela - and a lot of us who no longer want to do so.

I really hope you'll find whatever it is you need to join us

D

Saskia

Fabela, I haven't had the identical experiences that you did but I do think I understand at least to some degree how you feel. Many times I felt that life was too hard and never thought I could ever be happy. It didn't change overnight but slowly it did. Eventually, I became grateful that I stuck around. I know others in the same boat, one in particular who had a drunken father that was horrific and no support from other family members. She is slowly rebuilding her life. There is always hope even when life feels very bleak.

Fabela

I know, Saskia. I've come so far, and I know that I will be able to turn this around eventually, but I am so very tired of fighting. I feel like giving up, but I can't, and that means even more hard work. I have so much to live for, and I am grateful for that, but it makes me feel even worse knowing that it isn't enough.

I am angry at the man that was willing to destroy a life for his own screwed pleasure.

Saskia

Fabela, yes - I had spells of being very tired of fighting, too! It seemed so endless. I felt like I was walking through a very deep, dark valley and couldn't climb out and couldn't see any light. Eventually I started seeing some light far away and very slowly things improved. My life still isn't perfect but I am out of that deep dark valley.

One of the things that really helped me on my journey was a very kind and insightful therapist who said that if the relative who had harmed me so terribly were alive today, he would testify in court for me. It was the first time I felt someone was really fighting with me.

That anger you feel is very appropriate!


Sassy

Fabela

You know, I wish that the person was still alive, so I could kill him. My last therapist gave me an imaginary bat and told me to go ahead. Felt good. And it helps to hear about others who have found their way out of the darkness. Thank you.

Saskia

Oh yes - I get that! I did the bat thing many years ago. Good release :-)

The fact that you wish he were still alive is, IMHO, a positive thing - it means that we realize that it wasn't our fault. It took me a long time to get past feeling it was, in some twisted way, my fault.

And yes, when I discovered I wasn't alone that helped. It was many small things that got me through.

Fabela

The thing is... I feel that I consented to what was happening by accepting the money he gave me to keep my mouth shot. If he had threatened to kill me it would have been better, actually, because now I feel guilty of the whole thing. There are other things that happened that I haven't told anyone, because it's too painful.

Saskia

Fabela, one of the things my therapist told me is that as adults we have a tendency to superimpose adult responsibilities and choices on our very young selves. Taking money from him was not you being complicit! It was his sick way of "justifying" what he was doing. You were too young to understand all that happened.

One other thing I'll mention now because it does come up for some: a small child can have sexual feelings because of this kind of trauma. When that happens, we feel even more guilty because we think that we must have wanted it. NOT SO! My therapist explained the fallacy of that one to me.

ScottFromWI

Part of getting over the trauma of our past involves talking about it. That might be something you consider telling a therapist in confidentiality, but if you try to hold it in it will eat you up. You said you had a therapist in the past, do you currently work with one?

Fabela

Yup. That too.

Fabela

Yes I do, but we are still getting to know each other and we haven't talked about the trauma yet. In a way I'm glad, I don't feel ready yet, not stable enough. I can't risk breaking down, running away, drinking myself into oblivion and possibly killing myself. It has to wait until I have worked on the other issues that make me want to self destruct, until I know I can stay away from alcohol. Right now I'm not in that place, I still have that destructive force in me and I need to do something about that. I just wish I knew how...

Saskia

Fabela, I hope you will eventually trust your therapist enough to deal with it. I understand the reluctance, too.

That destructive force is a real challenge. There wasn't only one thing that "fixed" it for me. I avoided talking about it for a long time. The fact that you can talk about it even a little here is positive. A good therapist will not be shocked - they have heard it all before. You are the only one who can decide when the time is right.

I'm sure that you know that drinking will only defer the pain of dealing with it. I drank to obliterate all those feelings and thoughts. It never helped and I finally was shocked to find that I had next to final stage of cirrhosis (from drinking and excess weight). Please don't wait that long. I'm over 70 now and relatively healthy and am happy much of the time.

You can get through this. As I heard once:"The only way out is through".

Fabela

Yeah, drinking only feeds my depression and it is vital for my healing that I don't drink. But then again, drinking is the perfect way of sabotaging myself. I have a lot of work to do. I will get through it, eventually.

I was thinking of making two lists for myself. One list is for what I want to stop doing, and one for what I want to start doing. The latter is the list that I want to implement in my life. I will be back.