Dee74

To be honest I found weed and hash to be the absolute worst things I could do if I wanted to be productive and energetic.

I always ended up apathetic, lethargic and substantially depressed....and I always ended up caning it as well.

If this has been going on for a while Tufty would you consider seeing someone else or going back to your old therapist?

D

tufty13

Hi Andy, thanks for your thoughts and thank you very much for your kind words. Made me blush you dafty. :-)

Sounds like you had a busy few days. Good on you.

I'm out of my fug. Haven't had time to think about anything so that helps.

Finally got round to putting an ad out to look for lodgers yesterday morning. The phone rang within a minute (that's not an exaggeration) and all four rooms were let out by 6pm. It's still ringing now. Crazy. No time to procrastinate now, I've been cleaning, scrubbing and tidying all day.

As a side note, if I'm permitted some mildly left wing social commentary, I'm absolutely shocked at the amount of people looking for somewhere to live. And I'm in rural Somerset. Heaven knows what it must be like in the cities. It's a frightening endightment of the social housing policy of successive governments and to the cost of buying a home in this country.

Sure doesn't look like capitalism is working here. I could go on but it's enough to drive a person to drink.

tufty13

Thanks Dee, yep weed and the like isn't the best for getting motivated. But it is short term mood altering and therin lies my weakness.

I've now smoked on three (maybe more) occasions since I've been on SR. That's in five months. I'm not saying that ok. It's not ok.

I phoned my therapist on Monday and I saw her tonight which was kind.

She thinks I need to see someone long term about the depression.

We both know the bottom line. And that's that I'm a vindictive and relentless bully who resorts to name calling, verbal abuse and other general malevolent behaviours.

All of which are aimed at yours truly.

It's been this way a looonnnnggggg time. Not something that changes overnight apparently.

Which is a nuisance because I was hoping that I could just take a pill or something. (That's a joke by the way) :-)

Dee74

I've used a kind of urge surfing to get through my negative thoughts.

Like you say it wasn't an overnight change, but I'm definitely less prone to beating myself up than I used to be.

This is an elementary article but has all the general basics

Thought Stopping: A Technique to Quiet the Negative Voice in Your Head

D

tufty13

Cheers Dee, that's very kind of you and I'm grateful.

SwimKim12

Tufty, I'm glad you saw your therapist and I think it's a great idea that you see someone long term. You can get through this you have this willingness!

tufty13

Thanks for your support Swim, that's really appreciated. As is everyone's.

The willingness is there alright. I've been trying to crack this for years. Tried antidepressants once but couldn't handle them so been in therapy on and off (mainly off admittedly) for the last six years or so.

The consensus is I've been depressed since childhood and I don't know any other way. The self deprecation has always been part of me but it's much more malevolent than it used to be.

Ho hum, at least it's not raining.

Oh, actually it is!

Keepnitreal

Great job SV

Keepnitreal

How is everybody doing? Pretty quiet around here.
Well it's raining a bit here in California and we hooked up this great plastic barrels to our rain spouts yesterday afternoon and have captured 200 gallons of fresh water that we can use to water our organic veggie garden. It's the little things in life! Haha
Have a great day all

SwimKim12

Hi KIR! Yes, the rain has been great (I'm in San Diego). I'm doing well. A bit of Friday night blues which is pretty normal. I feel like everyone goes home to their families or out with friends on Friday nights and I just go home to myself. I know that's on me - I should reach out to someone. Oh well! I'm okay now. Getting ready for bed. Not much planned for the weekend. Just grateful to not be drunk right now.

I hope you all are well!

RedAndy

Morning all,

After another really turbulent couple of days last week with my head again all over the place and realisation that I am not managing this very well on my own at all I decided at the request from my wife and counsellor that I give AA another go, returned to the meeting I first attended a couple of months ago on Friday evening which is the one I felt most comfortable at originally and made my mind up that I am going to give this a real shot to making things better for dealing with this myself, the way I've been thinking has got to the point where I have been seriously considering getting out of it for good as I've just felt at a loss as to how trapped I've become inside my own head, knowing drinking is not an option and will result in losing everything / yet knowing how messed up I keep feeling and seeing no possible way out to the point where I really do keep feeling like I'm losing the plot / I know now I cannot do this without talking to others and some sort of guidance and group support - listening to others and how they work the programme and live a good / rewarding & happy / peaceful life is what I strive for and need to reach out and work hard to achieve.

My weekend has been productive and with a smile on my face - a realisation that I need to work harder with a lot of things if I am going to find any peace and live a happy / content and fulfilled life in sobriety.

Structure is most definitely required otherwise the drunken chaos I lived for is just simply going to be replaced by sober chaos, most of it in my own head and that I cannot cope with.

Have a great day / week everyone and a happy Monday to all.

Keepnitreal

Hey Kim-
I hope the rest of your weekend was nice. It's so easy to isolate. I would do it if I was drinking or not. It's funny that we love to go home and have alone time, but sometimes it can feel so lonely.
San Diego? You're just a few hours South. I'm in Santa Barbara. The rain was so nice this weekend!!!
Happy Monday everybody.

Keepnitreal

Andy-
Im Sorry you're still struggling. Please let us know how the meetings go.
Depression can be a bitch. I decided to stop my medication because I felt it wasn't helping that much, especially without alcohol. I tapered off slowly, but have been a wreck since. My goal is to take something natural, but want everything out of my system for a couple of weeks. Yikes. I guess they were helping me after all! Lol
I'm popping a bunch for Vit b and D and hoping to start 5-HTP this weekend. If this doesn't work it's time for another doctors visit.
I've also decided it's time to talk to a counselor about my living situation to try and determine if I'm depressed because of a serotonin imbalance or if it's is more my "life. " I hate taking antidepressants when it's situational. I've always been afraid to make decisions because of the alcohol and depression, but with alcohol no longer being a factor I think it's time.
Have a great day.

learntofly

Sorry to hear that you're struggling Andy, but glad that you're reaching out. Depression and addiction seem to go hand in hand, don't they? I've been sober for 5 and a half months and I'm still trying to figure out how to cope with my depression and anxiety without alcohol. It's no easy task. I've also been extremely tempted to smoke weed, just because I feel the need to get out of my own head and to somehow feel differently than how I feel. I wonder if that need will ever go away, and I also wonder what's wrong with me that I can't just be? I'm always looking for something to alter my mental state. I hope to come to the point where I'm just satisfied with what is. Anyway, hope you're all having a great night!

tufty13

Keep on keeping on Andy, your determination and the hard work you're putting in to cracking this is inspirational. I reckon your dad would be as proud as punch. It certainly lifts my spirits - so thank you.

So what if it takes another year before you start to feel better? So what if it takes three years? So what?

tufty13

Great work learntofly, as you see written so many times on SR...."I could have written that post"

5.5 months is brilliant. Hat tip to you.

I'm constantly asking myself "why can't I just be?"
I believe the answer is because "you don't put any effort into trying Simon"

I think to "just be" when life's journey has been a bit ruggedy isn't that simple.

I'm a very deep thinker and the neural pathways to self analysis and pretty much everything else pertaining to existentialism are as wide as a highway.

To just be, and to just be comfortable in our own heads without needing to get away from our thoughts and feelings takes time and practise.
Practise meditating and mindfulness and gratitude. I do sweet fanny adams when it comes to these things so it's no wonder I can't do it.

That and the fact there's two drug dealers on my street and another guy with a cannabis factory in his garage five doors down from me makes it a bit more tricky avoiding the weed. I haven't smoked since my last post so I'm happy with that.

Keepnitreal

LTF- are you being treated for the depression?

learntofly

Tufty, I do need to practice meditation and mindfulness more. I think we are aware of what might help us, but it seems like the doing part is the issue! Congrats on avoiding the weed. I'd have a very hard time if it was that accessible too! I got a chuckle when I read sweet fanny adams. Never heard that before.

KIR, no I'm not officially. I've struggled with depression and anxiety since I was little. To be honest, I'm not sure why I've been so resistant to going to the doctor. I've been trying to eat healthy, exercise, take vitamins, and get outside more. I guess I wanted to exhaust all of my options before I committed to being prescribed something. Right now it feels like I'm just struggling against the current. It might be time to go in and get professional help. I've convinced my fiance to get on antidepressants and to go see a therapist. Maybe I should take my own advice!

RedAndy

Cheers all - appreciate the kind words, I actually got told I was a nice man yesterday - been called plenty of things over the years but not that very often, another comment by my mum to the wife and I at the weekend, she was round sewing some curtains for us whilst we were cooking a meal / a few other jobs together / having a laugh and working as a team, not one cross word - my mum commented on how much happier we seem and that the selfish / argumentative t**t seems to have disappeared - was good to hear and meant a lot, things are so much better at home but to hear others comment and it be so noticeable is definitely rewarding and makes the effort even more worthwhile - something to focus on when feeling down.

Got to agree with you LTF regarding the actual 'doing' part - I'm so guilty of talking a good game and knowing what is needed but not actually carrying it through and procrastinating, that's why I am trying to ensure I put more structure into what I actually say and need to complete.

That must be tough with the weed on your doorstep Tufty, I went to an appointment yesterday and a couple of the 'clients' stood outside smoking a joint, only the second time I've smelt it in the last 5 months - a few months ago I would have commented and most likely asked for a drag - I can't lie, it did smell good but for me it has to be nothing and completely clean otherwise it opens the door, it's the only way this can work for me and it sounds like we're all really in the same boat with it - stay away from the weed lads it won't do you any good to start messing with your head again no matter how tempting it may seem.

Good time to make an appointment to see your GP I reckon LTF, take your own advice, you know it makes sense ;-)

KIR as you say sounds like the meds may have been doing more than you gave them credit for but can understand your thinking re the all natural side of things, hope you too can find what works best for you and the right counselling etc if required.

I'm wearing my smile and making sure I keep thinking positive.

One thing that has been going round in my head for a while now is your tag line Tufty and it is so true "nothing changes if nothing changes"

RedAndy

Morning all,

Hope everyone is doing well - glad today those few days of struggling are well behind me now and back to feeling really positive about things, keeping that smile on my face and finally realising just how lucky I am and stopping seeing this as the end, it's really just the beginning - life really is for living and that's what I intend to do - there's something clicking at last that I really don't need the artificial highs to be happy and enjoy myself - I'm not missing out on anything, far from it I've got so much to do and plenty of time to do it - a future that can be as happy as I want it to be.

I've got my health and the most beautiful family I could ever wish for and I am truly grateful for that - the rest of it is down to what I make of it - the pity party has got to stop if I'm to enjoy any peace - all this is definitely in my own head and if I don't give it the chance to fester and actually realise how good things can be then I can live and still have just as much, no scrap that much more fun and happiness than I've ever known - as your friend said a while back Tufty - none of it was real - this is and I need to hold on to it.

Have a good weekend and look forward to hearing how everyone's doing.