One Year and Under Club Part 52
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by gleefan 
Hi Undies
Knb & Thumpa - When I first stopped drinking and saw myself through a sober lens, I was devastated about some of the things I'd done. First and foremost people told me to relax, that the steps are in order for a reason, and not to tackle my list of amends before it was time. I found that there is no benefit to perseverating on my mistakes. Working on the steps with a good sponsor helped me do all the inside work I needed to do before I looked to apologize.
Letitgo - It may take you a bit of time to find a sponsor who is willing to work with you over email, FaceTime, or the phone, but it will be beneficial to find the right fit.
Knb - I had lousy boundaries before I got sober. I could tell when people plowed through them, but didn't ever feel they could handle it if I stopped them. First thing I did when I got sober was try to straighten that out. My sponsor didn't listen to me, didn't try to understand me, and made increasing demands of me that I couldn't fulfill, I suspected it was "too much." When she started outright insulting me, I knew I had to end our arrangement. The timing wasn't great, as she was going through a difficult time, but even though that had always stopped me in other relationships, this time I protected myself and "broke up."
In the past, I gravitated towards people as sick as me. I needed a posse to feel like I belonged. In recovery I am much more discerning about who I spend time with.
There's a saying "stick with the winners." When I see people who have the peace, serenity and joy that I want, I listen. Suggestions on acceptance, humility, rigorous honesty, and vulnerability that seemed outrageous not that long ago have become bedrocks of my life.
WWS - I appreciate your kind words. The thing is, you help me more than you know. For me recovery is very interdependent on other alcoholics.
Saskia & Toots - You have played a huge role in helping me sort out all my baggage and rubble! I'm lucky to call you among my friends.
Knb & Thumpa - When I first stopped drinking and saw myself through a sober lens, I was devastated about some of the things I'd done. First and foremost people told me to relax, that the steps are in order for a reason, and not to tackle my list of amends before it was time. I found that there is no benefit to perseverating on my mistakes. Working on the steps with a good sponsor helped me do all the inside work I needed to do before I looked to apologize.
Letitgo - It may take you a bit of time to find a sponsor who is willing to work with you over email, FaceTime, or the phone, but it will be beneficial to find the right fit.
Knb - I had lousy boundaries before I got sober. I could tell when people plowed through them, but didn't ever feel they could handle it if I stopped them. First thing I did when I got sober was try to straighten that out. My sponsor didn't listen to me, didn't try to understand me, and made increasing demands of me that I couldn't fulfill, I suspected it was "too much." When she started outright insulting me, I knew I had to end our arrangement. The timing wasn't great, as she was going through a difficult time, but even though that had always stopped me in other relationships, this time I protected myself and "broke up."
In the past, I gravitated towards people as sick as me. I needed a posse to feel like I belonged. In recovery I am much more discerning about who I spend time with.
There's a saying "stick with the winners." When I see people who have the peace, serenity and joy that I want, I listen. Suggestions on acceptance, humility, rigorous honesty, and vulnerability that seemed outrageous not that long ago have become bedrocks of my life.
WWS - I appreciate your kind words. The thing is, you help me more than you know. For me recovery is very interdependent on other alcoholics.
Saskia & Toots - You have played a huge role in helping me sort out all my baggage and rubble! I'm lucky to call you among my friends.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 3,403
Ugh. I feel so fat.
I have been told to eat whatever for the next few months but all this sugar cant be good for me.
Ha! Can tell I am an alki because the calories nor the sugar content in wine didn't bother me when I drank
I have been told to eat whatever for the next few months but all this sugar cant be good for me.
Ha! Can tell I am an alki because the calories nor the sugar content in wine didn't bother me when I drank
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Knb, IMHO, sponsors are people, too! Yes, people can and do switch sponsors when that seems appropriate. Sometimes one sponsor may be great for an early stage but we might need some different qualities later. I have friends who had sponsees tell them it wasn't working out. Yes, that can be painful, especially for a first-time sponsor. However, you aren't there to make a sponsor happy, you are there for the life-saving and life-changing work that you need to do. A sponsor should be able to get over that. If they can't, it's not your problem.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: PA and Florida
Posts: 4,179
Hi All,
I remember being told that choosing a sponsor should not be a popularity contest, that I should avoid picking someone "like me" or that I liked for whatever reason, and that I should ask someone that has the sober program that I wanted.
Over the last 33 months, I have had 4 sponsors. Each time, asking that person to be my "temporary" sponsor. They all have offered strength and growth to my program. I've pretty much been in Florida now for 2 months and am yet to ask anyone, but, I plan to soon.
I do not need or want friendship from my sponsor. I want program guidance. If friendship follows, great, I will embrace that with open arms.
Knb, if it were me, I would ask my higher power for guidance and direction. Fact is, it is hard for me to imagine that it was me who wrote that last "suggestion". I came to AA spiritually bankrupt. I wanted nothing to do with religion, and, would cringe when a meeting took hp tones. I still find it hard to define exactly what my Higher Power is...but, strangely enough, whoever or whatever it is, has helped me through some challenging times. All it required from me was a willingness to turn my will over (step 3)...once I did that, recovery in AA started to make more sense...for me.
Good luck in your decision, whatever it is.
Yes, it is a blessing to have the likes of a Glee, Toots and Sask supporting this thread the way that they do. I've learned much from those three baberaham lincoln's!
My best to all...
Carlos
I remember being told that choosing a sponsor should not be a popularity contest, that I should avoid picking someone "like me" or that I liked for whatever reason, and that I should ask someone that has the sober program that I wanted.
Over the last 33 months, I have had 4 sponsors. Each time, asking that person to be my "temporary" sponsor. They all have offered strength and growth to my program. I've pretty much been in Florida now for 2 months and am yet to ask anyone, but, I plan to soon.
I do not need or want friendship from my sponsor. I want program guidance. If friendship follows, great, I will embrace that with open arms.
Knb, if it were me, I would ask my higher power for guidance and direction. Fact is, it is hard for me to imagine that it was me who wrote that last "suggestion". I came to AA spiritually bankrupt. I wanted nothing to do with religion, and, would cringe when a meeting took hp tones. I still find it hard to define exactly what my Higher Power is...but, strangely enough, whoever or whatever it is, has helped me through some challenging times. All it required from me was a willingness to turn my will over (step 3)...once I did that, recovery in AA started to make more sense...for me.
Good luck in your decision, whatever it is.
Yes, it is a blessing to have the likes of a Glee, Toots and Sask supporting this thread the way that they do. I've learned much from those three baberaham lincoln's!
My best to all...
Carlos
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: England
Posts: 2,675
I'm having issues with my sponsor at the moment as well. She's brilliant when I see her in person, she understands me and talks about things in a way I respond to. Thing is, she takes a while to respond when I'm going through a craving, and her responses aren't particularly helpful either. She also doesn't check up on me, I haven't had any contact in over 4 days. We were set to see each other at a meeting on Monday but she didn't turn up, I think I'm still sulking a bit over that.
I'm considering getting a new sponsor, and I'm questioning whether having a sponsor will work for me at all. I'm not sure.
I'm considering getting a new sponsor, and I'm questioning whether having a sponsor will work for me at all. I'm not sure.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Saskia
Knb, IMHO, sponsors are people, too! Yes, people can and do switch sponsors when that seems appropriate. Sometimes one sponsor may be great for an early stage but we might need some different qualities later. I have friends who had sponsees tell them it wasn't working out. Yes, that can be painful, especially for a first-time sponsor. However, you aren't there to make a sponsor happy, you are there for the life-saving and life-changing work that you need to do. A sponsor should be able to get over that. If they can't, it's not your problem.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by IWLSAST
Hi All,
I remember being told that choosing a sponsor should not be a popularity contest, that I should avoid picking someone "like me" or that I liked for whatever reason, and that I should ask someone that has the sober program that I wanted.
Over the last 33 months, I have had 4 sponsors. Each time, asking that person to be my "temporary" sponsor. They all have offered strength and growth to my program. I've pretty much been in Florida now for 2 months and am yet to ask anyone, but, I plan to soon.
I do not need or want friendship from my sponsor. I want program guidance. If friendship follows, great, I will embrace that with open arms.
Knb, if it were me, I would ask my higher power for guidance and direction. Fact is, it is hard for me to imagine that it was me who wrote that last "suggestion". I came to AA spiritually bankrupt. I wanted nothing to do with religion, and, would cringe when a meeting took hp tones. I still find it hard to define exactly what my Higher Power is...but, strangely enough, whoever or whatever it is, has helped me through some challenging times. All it required from me was a willingness to turn my will over (step 3)...once I did that, recovery in AA started to make more sense...for me.
Good luck in your decision, whatever it is.
Yes, it is a blessing to have the likes of a Glee, Toots and Sask supporting this thread the way that they do. I've learned much from those three baberaham lincoln's!
My best to all...
Carlos
I remember being told that choosing a sponsor should not be a popularity contest, that I should avoid picking someone "like me" or that I liked for whatever reason, and that I should ask someone that has the sober program that I wanted.
Over the last 33 months, I have had 4 sponsors. Each time, asking that person to be my "temporary" sponsor. They all have offered strength and growth to my program. I've pretty much been in Florida now for 2 months and am yet to ask anyone, but, I plan to soon.
I do not need or want friendship from my sponsor. I want program guidance. If friendship follows, great, I will embrace that with open arms.
Knb, if it were me, I would ask my higher power for guidance and direction. Fact is, it is hard for me to imagine that it was me who wrote that last "suggestion". I came to AA spiritually bankrupt. I wanted nothing to do with religion, and, would cringe when a meeting took hp tones. I still find it hard to define exactly what my Higher Power is...but, strangely enough, whoever or whatever it is, has helped me through some challenging times. All it required from me was a willingness to turn my will over (step 3)...once I did that, recovery in AA started to make more sense...for me.
Good luck in your decision, whatever it is.
Yes, it is a blessing to have the likes of a Glee, Toots and Sask supporting this thread the way that they do. I've learned much from those three baberaham lincoln's!
My best to all...
Carlos
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 3,403
Erm. I need some advise .I will try And keep it as simple as possible. It's over a man. Let's just call him Jack. Please bare with me.
I met Jack at a smart meeting. He is a recovering alcoholic. Jack told me he is anti AA and I told him I attend AA meetings. I started to see jack at my AA home group Meetings. Then he starts to visit me at my place of work ( I own a retail shop). The first week it was three times in the week. The second time it was twice. I then tell Jack that I am busy and I can't have a chinwag every time he visits. He makes a remark about this at a smart meeting . I ignore his remark.
Then he starts visiting again. I tell him I want to keep this separate to my workplace and would prefer to talk about drinking issues at meetings only. He stops coming to my shop for the next few weeks and I just see him at the smart meeting and home group meeting.
I missed last Fridays AA meeting. He turns up at my shop asking where I was. I told him I was busy last night. He then asks me what I do on weekends..what do I do on a Saturday night, on a Sunday night and what other meetings I go to and where..can he have my number. I told him no it's not appropriate. I don't disclose much about what other meetings I attend and he notices I am being standoffish.
He then says "your hair looks different..it makes you look older". I think he was trying to insult me. I ignore it and tell him I have to work
So I saw him tonight at a smart meeting and he immediately says to the group that he has started to go to AA meetings but doesn't share. Then says "but Kim shares. She can talk for England. She is very brave because you should see the faces the other people pull when she does. Kim doesn't notice it but I do because I can see their faces and it's clear they don't like her. Isn't she brave"
I am speechless at what he said. I didn't say anything to him because I think he is being nasty. I have decided to avoid him by not going to the smart meetings and not going to my AA home group meetings from now on.
What do you guys think to my plan?
I met Jack at a smart meeting. He is a recovering alcoholic. Jack told me he is anti AA and I told him I attend AA meetings. I started to see jack at my AA home group Meetings. Then he starts to visit me at my place of work ( I own a retail shop). The first week it was three times in the week. The second time it was twice. I then tell Jack that I am busy and I can't have a chinwag every time he visits. He makes a remark about this at a smart meeting . I ignore his remark.
Then he starts visiting again. I tell him I want to keep this separate to my workplace and would prefer to talk about drinking issues at meetings only. He stops coming to my shop for the next few weeks and I just see him at the smart meeting and home group meeting.
I missed last Fridays AA meeting. He turns up at my shop asking where I was. I told him I was busy last night. He then asks me what I do on weekends..what do I do on a Saturday night, on a Sunday night and what other meetings I go to and where..can he have my number. I told him no it's not appropriate. I don't disclose much about what other meetings I attend and he notices I am being standoffish.
He then says "your hair looks different..it makes you look older". I think he was trying to insult me. I ignore it and tell him I have to work
So I saw him tonight at a smart meeting and he immediately says to the group that he has started to go to AA meetings but doesn't share. Then says "but Kim shares. She can talk for England. She is very brave because you should see the faces the other people pull when she does. Kim doesn't notice it but I do because I can see their faces and it's clear they don't like her. Isn't she brave"
I am speechless at what he said. I didn't say anything to him because I think he is being nasty. I have decided to avoid him by not going to the smart meetings and not going to my AA home group meetings from now on.
What do you guys think to my plan?
Alive in the Superunknown
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: 30.47ºN, 98.15ºW
Posts: 1,460
Originally Posted by knb02
I am gutted because I liked going to both these meetings but this man is being very stalker like. Or is it me??
If he asks why, tell him directly that you didn't appreciate him slagging you in open meeting and prefer no further contact.
Bitter people, and he's obviously one, are bad news.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by knb02
?..
So I saw him tonight at a smart meeting and he immediately says to the group that he has started to go to AA meetings but doesn't share. Then says "but Kim shares. She can talk for England. She is very brave because you should see the faces the other people pull when she does. Kim doesn't notice it but I do because I can see their faces and it's clear they don't like her. Isn't she brave"
I am speechless at what he said. I didn't say anything to him because I think he is being nasty. I have decided to avoid him by not going to the smart meetings and not going to my AA home group meetings from now on.
What do you guys think to my plan?
So I saw him tonight at a smart meeting and he immediately says to the group that he has started to go to AA meetings but doesn't share. Then says "but Kim shares. She can talk for England. She is very brave because you should see the faces the other people pull when she does. Kim doesn't notice it but I do because I can see their faces and it's clear they don't like her. Isn't she brave"
I am speechless at what he said. I didn't say anything to him because I think he is being nasty. I have decided to avoid him by not going to the smart meetings and not going to my AA home group meetings from now on.
What do you guys think to my plan?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Thumpalumpacus
I think you avoiding him is a damned good plan.
If he asks why, tell him directly that you didn't appreciate him slagging you in open meeting and prefer no further contact.
Bitter people, and he's obviously one, are bad news.
If he asks why, tell him directly that you didn't appreciate him slagging you in open meeting and prefer no further contact.
Bitter people, and he's obviously one, are bad news.
Alive in the Superunknown
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: 30.47ºN, 98.15ºW
Posts: 1,460
Originally Posted by knb02
Avoidance is a good idea. He is toxic right? He could annoy me and mess up my sobriety
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Missouri
Posts: 515
Knb - it sure isn't you! "Jack" seriously concerns me. It's not right for you to change your schedule or have to deal with this. Sheesh, you have enough to deal with! He's a BIG creep. I don't know what to advise. I would t give him many more chances and I have the police talk to him. I had one stalker type guy in my life. It was freaky to say the least. A guy I worked with years ago (actually two weird guys over the 28 years) and I worked with mostly male engineers). The president of the company told the receptionist if "Jack" stepped off the elevator, call/page him (president) immediately! The other guy got canned and it wasn't pretty. I became almost more afraid of his weird, rough looking wife. This was all a long time ago. But it wasn't funny then and still weird to think about it now. Don't mess with weirdos! Ppl do strange things these days and he sounds very strange. One of my "guys" drew a face on paper and glued pennies on the eyes and hung it on my office wall. I'd come in at 6:00 am. Turns out Years ago they used to put pennies on people's eyes to keep them shut when they died (I heard). Anyway, didn't mean to hi-jack your story but you can never be too careful. Take him seriously. Freakin freaky f'in weirdo that he is!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Thumpalumpacus
At the least, certainly. Nothing is more important than your sobriety, and includes his feelings, too. If he's nursing sore feelings over your turndown, it's on him to grow up and deal with it like an adult -- on his own time, not yours.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Olivia2011
Knb - it sure isn't you! "Jack" seriously concerns me. It's not right for you to change your schedule or have to deal with this. Sheesh, you have enough to deal with! He's a BIG creep. I don't know what to advise. I would t give him many more chances and I have the police talk to him. I had one stalker type guy in my life. It was freaky to say the least. A guy I worked with years ago (actually two weird guys over the 28 years) and I worked with mostly male engineers). The president of the company told the receptionist if "Jack" stepped off the elevator, call/page him (president) immediately! The other guy got canned and it wasn't pretty. I became almost more afraid of his weird, rough looking wife. This was all a long time ago. But it wasn't funny then and still weird to think about it now. Don't mess with weirdos! Ppl do strange things these days and he sounds very strange. One of my "guys" drew a face on paper and glued pennies on the eyes and hung it on my office wall. I'd come in at 6:00 am. Turns out Years ago they used to put pennies on people's eyes to keep them shut when they died (I heard). Anyway, didn't mean to hi-jack your story but you can never be too careful. Take him seriously. Freakin freaky f'in weirdo that he is!
Olivia is he a big creep. Literally. He is 6 ft 3 and scary looking.He has been homeless due to his drinking issues. I think he is mentally sick.. I have to be careful. I think it's best that I don't go to any meetings that he attends.
I know he will come to my shop and pay me a visit. It's too easy for him not to. I will just tell him that I am busy and I can't talk...every time..untill he gets the message.
Sigh trust me to get a weirdo to latch onto me
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Knb, sorry to hear you have to deal with that :-(. I think Olivia's comments make sense. I would be very careful of him. I hate to see you feel pushed out of your home group. Is there someone in the group you can talk to about how to handle him? He sounds rather messed up and his problems should not be yours.
The Long and Winding Road....
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Brisbane QLD
Posts: 897
Originally Posted by knb02
Erm. I need some advise .I will try And keep it as simple as possible. It's over a man. Let's just call him Jack. Please bare with me.
I met Jack at a smart meeting. He is a recovering alcoholic. Jack told me he is anti AA and I told him I attend AA meetings. I started to see jack at my AA home group Meetings. Then he starts to visit me at my place of work ( I own a retail shop). The first week it was three times in the week. The second time it was twice. I then tell Jack that I am busy and I can't have a chinwag every time he visits. He makes a remark about this at a smart meeting . I ignore his remark.
Then he starts visiting again. I tell him I want to keep this separate to my workplace and would prefer to talk about drinking issues at meetings only. He stops coming to my shop for the next few weeks and I just see him at the smart meeting and home group meeting.
I missed last Fridays AA meeting. He turns up at my shop asking where I was. I told him I was busy last night. He then asks me what I do on weekends..what do I do on a Saturday night, on a Sunday night and what other meetings I go to and where..can he have my number. I told him no it's not appropriate. I don't disclose much about what other meetings I attend and he notices I am being standoffish.
He then says "your hair looks different..it makes you look older". I think he was trying to insult me. I ignore it and tell him I have to work
So I saw him tonight at a smart meeting and he immediately says to the group that he has started to go to AA meetings but doesn't share. Then says "but Kim shares. She can talk for England. She is very brave because you should see the faces the other people pull when she does. Kim doesn't notice it but I do because I can see their faces and it's clear they don't like her. Isn't she brave"
I am speechless at what he said. I didn't say anything to him because I think he is being nasty. I have decided to avoid him by not going to the smart meetings and not going to my AA home group meetings from now on.
What do you guys think to my plan?
I met Jack at a smart meeting. He is a recovering alcoholic. Jack told me he is anti AA and I told him I attend AA meetings. I started to see jack at my AA home group Meetings. Then he starts to visit me at my place of work ( I own a retail shop). The first week it was three times in the week. The second time it was twice. I then tell Jack that I am busy and I can't have a chinwag every time he visits. He makes a remark about this at a smart meeting . I ignore his remark.
Then he starts visiting again. I tell him I want to keep this separate to my workplace and would prefer to talk about drinking issues at meetings only. He stops coming to my shop for the next few weeks and I just see him at the smart meeting and home group meeting.
I missed last Fridays AA meeting. He turns up at my shop asking where I was. I told him I was busy last night. He then asks me what I do on weekends..what do I do on a Saturday night, on a Sunday night and what other meetings I go to and where..can he have my number. I told him no it's not appropriate. I don't disclose much about what other meetings I attend and he notices I am being standoffish.
He then says "your hair looks different..it makes you look older". I think he was trying to insult me. I ignore it and tell him I have to work
So I saw him tonight at a smart meeting and he immediately says to the group that he has started to go to AA meetings but doesn't share. Then says "but Kim shares. She can talk for England. She is very brave because you should see the faces the other people pull when she does. Kim doesn't notice it but I do because I can see their faces and it's clear they don't like her. Isn't she brave"
I am speechless at what he said. I didn't say anything to him because I think he is being nasty. I have decided to avoid him by not going to the smart meetings and not going to my AA home group meetings from now on.
What do you guys think to my plan?
van
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