opalblue

I am trying. I really am but I feel like getting drunk too. Sigh. .There's alot of good. More good than bad. The best 36 days of my life in a long time. But it doesn't stop life from being challenging and it hasn't stopped me from feeling lonely. I dont understand why I dont t have a boyfriend. I dont understand why I am not married I deserve to he married. Even the alcoholics in the AA meetings are frigging married. Why am I not married?!!!!!!!

I am gonna shut up. I am in proper victim mode. I have actually opened one of the bottles and have poured myself a glass
Man it looks so frigging good. I am talking to myself thoufh. Talking myself out of it. I look fine on the outside but my head is screaming right now. Effing exhausting. Can't type as fast as i am thinking. Got 30 mins left and I will make a decision
If you don't hear off me for a while it's because I have failed and I want to thank all of you for caring.
My AV is still shouting at me.

PennyLane76

Throw it out

Delizadee

Ok knb. Exercise for us. Gratitude list time!

Put the bottles away for now. Sit here. And write down everything big and small right now, today, that you are grateful for.

I will go too...
*my smiling little girl
*morning texts from my son filled with smileys and hearts
*scrambly eggs
*cheeeeeese
*coofffeeeee
*my musckley arms.
*exercising
*looking at photos
*my soft silver hair
*sleeping in my cooozy comfy warm bed
*cuddles with my little one
*netflix
*me friends on SR!
*going to meetings and laughing
*being sober

Delizadee

It's not too late my friend. And dear god, a glass of wine sounds delish. Trust me an hour ago I had made up my mind to drink. Don't make me drink with you! It will be all your fault! I'm totally kidding. I'm just trying bass-ackwards psychology to help you reasses. And being silly.

You are not a failure so long as you keep trying. I still want to see your list yo! *big hugs*

Delizadee

Do you know what brought you to feeling this way? I know for me what it is- Every single letter of HALT.

Do you think you'd be able to give yourself enough time to try something instead of having that drink? Maybe try a walk like OT suggested, go for a bath, read a book, do a craft, play a game with a friend, go shopping, go for coffee, or anything else?

Applekat

Knb I'll tell ya though - after 36 days off wine...two bottles is gonna kick your butt and make you so sick. You don't want to end up in the ER do you? Or worse. God forbid that this binge is what does it. Seriously, friend. Pour it out.

360startstoday

Pour it out and you win. You will not be alone forever. Wine isn't your friend, it lies to you. It will only make the lonliness worse. You can do this!!!

jobei

Loneliness in my experience is caused by my drinking not solved by it. I made alcohol a priority over everything in my life, including myself and that pushed everyone out of it. It really is just that simple. I cease to be "me" while drinking and become something far worse.. my faults amplified.. my depression increased. I don't want that person around anymore. I hope you find the strength not to drink that wine knb... sounds like a call to a sponsor would be in order... pouring a glass isn't really giving yourself a chance...

opalblue

Oh man. Sense is coming back to my head.

I poured both bottles down the drain just now.. . Can't believe I just did that.

Gratitude to you guys for your posts. I kept reading them over and over again.

Thank you so much Apple, soberjim, 360startstoday,delizadee ,oldtomato, auggie, sadie, JL. Your posts meant alot to me.

I am mentally shattered now. Gonna have a shower and order a big fat pizza, and Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Gonna pile bananas on the icecream. Hell with the diet. It was a close call tonight.

I feel much much much better. Thank you guys big time

opalblue

Jobei I tried calling my sponsor but she wasn't picking up the phone. Omg that was close

Mel12

I hope things work out for you without the alcohol. Early death, sudden death, or slow death from painful disease--or some combination of these deaths--is all that alcohol had planned for me. I definitely do not want to drink that stuff anymore.

Delizadee

Omg!! I am SO proud of you!!!!!!!!

Mel12

You are a TOTAL inspiration to all of us. You are the best. I am speechless. Awesome. You are doing it.

soberjim

That was a very inspirational sentence to read. That was a very strong thing you did. An action which you will be pleased with tomorrow morning!!!
keep posting for support!

I know reading this post somehow will make it easier for me to deal with my AV later this afternoon!

Delizadee

I am so grateful to you knb! I was decided too but I was pulling so hard for you that my urge passed... thank you for sharing your strength.

jobei

I have a test of my own... last week my doctor found a tumor on my body and in two hours I am going in for an ultrasound. I'm petrified. I've been fearing this all week and doing relapse planning in my head if there is bad news. I've been sober for exactly 7 days now

Auggie

knb02 - When I read your post, I was so filled with relief, I cried. We are going to do this and we are going to do this together.

jobei - Keep us close. My last binge was the result of bad news from the doctor. So basically, what I did was take a really bad day and made it much, much worse. Please don't let that happen to you.

Delizadee

Try to stay strong jobei, I am sending positive thoughts your way for a good outcome. We are here for you!

jobei

Im going to cook kimchi fried rice regardless of the outcome I've decided.

opalblue

Mel this is exactly what I was saying to myself while looking at that glass. Alcohol is poison. I am an addict and I am sick but there is still hope.